Topic: Ashes

Luna Eva

Date: 2008-11-18 20:20 EST
"Goddamn... sonofabitch... whore..." The expletives continued out of Mr. Crandall's mouth at a steady rate as he picked the carcass of his bookstore. The building had been gutted by flames, soaked by fire crews, and picked over by thieves. There was nothing left. "My life's work... my entire life's work."

He picked through burnt books, hoping for something salvageable. Of course it wasn't all from his bookstore. Some of the junk in the ashes belonged to his tenant, Eva Luna. Just the thought of her made his mouth twist in a sneer. It was her fault. This was all her fault. Who knew what kind of business she ran from her apartment. Something unseemly.

Cracked and melted bottles of medicine were scattered towards where her closet once was, but there was too much of it for just one person. And there was strange equipment, like nothing he'd ever seen before. It was no matter. It would all be cleared out by the following day.

"Have you seen her?" Credo, the young fruit and vegetable seller who manned a stall across the road from the bookstore, stood at the edge of the property, looking through what was once the bookstore's window at Mr. Crandall. He'd left his produce cart unmanned in the Marketplace square. It was early still, just after dawn, and the square was empty enough that he didn't have to worry about being robbed blind.

Mr. Crandall looked up at the young man. "Have I seen her? You mean the whore that used to live here? No, I haven't. I suppose she knows better than to show her face around here." He turned away, pushing over the crumbling skeleton of a bookcase to look beneath, muttering. "Worse mistake I ever made was renting to that girl... let me tell you, she's not getting her security deposit back..."

Credo frowned, twisting the yellow apple he held in his hands, and then looking down at it. Every morning Eva used to buy a yellow apple from him. She always looked so lonely in the mornings, but then she'd see him, and she'd come to get her apple, and she'd smile. He liked to think it was a special smile, but he knew it wasn't. He'd been setting aside a yellow apple for her every day since the fire, the best one he had, expecting her to walk down the alley towards him like she'd done every day for a year. But she never came. She was never going to come. "She wasn't a whore."

"Oh yeah, what do you know about it? You're not the one who had to... had to clean the filth out of the alley every morning!"

"I know she wasn't a whore! She was a good person. You should have some respect for the dead... considering you're likely walking on her grave."

"Walking on her - is that what you think?" Mr. Crandall turned on Credo, glaring at him across the wreckage. "You think she died in this fire? She didn't die in this fire, no one did. No remains here but my bookstore, boy. My entire life's work, you see?" He narrowed his eyes at the farm boy with his little fruit and vegetable stall.

"She ain't dead, boy. She's just hiding from her just deserts. She's just hiding."

Luna Eva

Date: 2008-12-01 18:47 EST
Eva couldn't escape the smell of smoke. It was everywhere. Burning wood. Melting plastic. Gasoline. She awoke in the middle of the night, her chest aching, heart pounding, gasping for breath.

She scrubbed under hot water. Washed her hair with scented soap. Stripped the bed and pillowcases in exchange for fresh sheets.

It was as if the smell had sunk into her skin. As if her entire body were smoke, her skin a layer of ash. She wanted to blow away.

She spent hours laying on her back. One hand held her side, as if she could hold her broken rib in place, while she took shallow breaths. Each breath sent a shooting pain up her side, and any time she managed a deep breath, her raw throat and aching lungs made her want to cough. Coughing was brutal. So all she did was lay still and stare at the ceiling.

When she managed to drift off to sleep, she had nightmares. Always the fire.

She could take nothing for the pain but aspirin, and its usefulness was limited. The temptation was there. It was always there.

After a week of hiding in her room in the Red Dragon Inn, Eva ventured out. She went to work. Straight to the docks, then straight back again. And so became her routine. Her only deviation the route which she varied daily. Just in case.

Tucker was looking for them. For him. Renzo. Eva wasn't sure who it was. Maybe the man whose mugging she'd interrupted in the Marketplace. Maybe the one who'd attacked her in her apartment. Maybe the man who'd threatened her in the Emergency Room. Maybe someone else. She'd never seen the same face twice. Renzo. She tried to imagine someone. Someone setting the bookstore on fire. Someone pushing a dumpster in front of her door. Someone who tried to burn her alive. She couldn't.

She had no more rage. Not like Tucker. Thinking about who had done it only made Eva feel empty. She was too tired, too hurt to feel anything but the pain of her body. The desperate need for comfort.

She felt like a ghost. Going through the motions of her life. Exhausted. The Inn was a purgatory of sorts. A place for her to wait for something to change. A place for her to wait for judgment. Restless. Drifting. Like smoke.

Luna Eva

Date: 2008-12-04 20:45 EST
"Jesus, Eli, where have you been? That new number you gave me has been out of service for like three weeks."

Eva leaned forward and rested her forehead against the plexiglas of the phone booth. "Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. I had to move suddenly." She watched her breath fog up the glass in front of her.

"You had to move? You just put in that phone line." Gus' voice sounded heavy with suspicion.

"I know... there was a fire... I had to move." Eva still didn't know how to tell anyone about the fire. She felt the weight of it inside of her, dragging her down, dragging her under, like she couldn't breathe. She wanted to tell someone. She wanted to tell someone how it felt. How frightened she had been. How frightened she still was. But there was no one to tell. No one who wouldn't worry. No one who would understand that she just needed to say it aloud to make it go away.

"A fire."

"Yeah."

"Well where are you calling from? Where are you living, Elinor?"

"I'm in a temporary situation. I'll call you when I have something more permanent - "

"Come home. Elinor. Come home. This is ridiculous."

"Oh, it's ridiculous that I want to have my own life? That I don't want to be some weird extended guest of my ex-husband and his new wife? That I - that I don't want to live in that damn town with everyone talking about me all the time?" Eva raised the pitch of her voice. "Oh there goes that Elinor McCall, she never did turn out right, did she? Always said there was something wrong with that girl. Marrying her brother and all, even if she was adopted. Always said that wasn't right."

"Stop it, Eli. Just stop it." Gus sighed into the phone, causing the signal to crackle. "It wouldn't be like that."

"Yeah it would."

"Things have changed here. It's not the same town anymore. You know who just moved back? Gary Harding. He's divorced now, already got a couple of kids... came back to take care of them."

"Oh my god, are you serious, Gus? You're trying to set me up with Gary Harding?"

"No, I'm just saying - "

"Christ, Gus."

"I'm just worried about you."

"I know." Eva closed her eyes, squeezing out the fading light of the evening. "Just... tell me something good."

"Something good?"

"Yeah."

"Alright." Gus was quiet a moment. "Mary's started talking. Not, talking but babbling, you know? Katie puts her in the... the bouncer thing... and she'll just go on and on. Bran seems so... amused by her. He just sits there watching and giggling. Like she's fascinating to him. And Jamie's already started in about picking out the Christmas tree..."

Gus went on for a few minutes while Eva listened, letting herself drift off to the sound of his voice, her body held in the cold comfort of the phone booth, shivering, and sliding her hand to cover the mouthpiece so Gus couldn't hear her cry.

Perceval Tucker

Date: 2008-12-05 09:01 EST
Tucker stood quietly in the darkness of the alley, leaning against one of the building walls as he watched the people go by. He had left his shift from the Inn about an hour ago; he had left Eva there as well. Everything in his being made him want to stay with her, but there were matters more important right now than fulfilling one?s own selfish desire. These men, Renzo?s men, had to be found. Eva?s life, and less importantly to him, his own life depended on it. The Inn was not where he belonged right now. It was here. He pressed against the wall again, arms folded tightly over his chest to keep warm. It was cold tonight, but he blocked it out. Tucker had a singular purpose.

The Marketplace was dying down from holiday shopping that evening. Now was the time of night when most of the filth of RhyDin rises to the top; to begin to gather in groups here and there in the square. Tucker watched, but he couldn?t keep his mind on matters as well as he would have liked to.

He could tell Eva hated this; her staying sequestered in the Inn while he was out here. He knew she felt guilty. He got the feeling she felt helpless. Maybe that was why she lashed out at him the other night? He wondered at times if she understood how serious this situation was. He wondered if she?d think he was avoiding her. Tucker shook his head. It didn?t matter. If he found the men and ended this; if Eva ended up hating him, it didn?t matter. All he wanted right now was to know that she?d be safe. Tucker had a mission. He knew missions. He?d done them for thirty years. You don?t sway from your mission. Anything else is selfish satisfaction and neglect of the job at hand.

Tucker?s thoughts fluttered briefly to this ?Mason?, the man he had met tonight. He thought of how Eva looked at him. Body language, especially a woman?s, was foreign to Tucker, but there was something he saw in Eva?s eyes when she watched him.

?No.? he thought to himself. ?Stay focused.?

Studying the groups of congregating citizens more intently now, he readjusted his stance against the wall and hugged his chest tighter, fighting the cold. Perceval felt something on his cheek. Something had landed there, he thought. Snow? Drops of water from the building ledge above? He rubbed his hands together to warm them, crouched low to a more comfortable position and wiped the tear from his face.

Luna Eva

Date: 2008-12-06 23:49 EST
The Ryder's Point Gun Club was once an upper class establishment in the East End, but it was easy to see its best years were long passed. Eva followed the long dim hall towards the stairs, passing paintings of hunting scenes, faded and dull, photographs of club members, yellowed and crumbling. It was once a men-only establishment, a tradition as outdated as the men who glared as she passed the smoking room, lingering like the scent from their cigars.

The shooting range was in the basement, and mostly empty. Eva had been meaning to test out the new gun that Ghost had given her for weeks now. Every gun had a different kick to it, and Eva wanted to feel the pop of the hand-loaded bullets he'd given her. Best to be prepared.

Since the fire, she'd been given some surprisingly thoughtful gifts, many to help replace things she'd lost. But what Ghost had given her was the most useful. A new gun.

Eva squinted behind the protective goggles, sighting the target. She exhaled. Then she squeezed the trigger. Three shots in quick succession, each bullet radiating up her arms, each bang muffled behind her ear plugs. She lowered the gun.

"You're not bracing correctly."

The voice came from behind her as Eva released the clip. She turned slightly. The man was a head taller than her, red hair shaggy and uneven, like he cut it himself. She frowned.

"It's fine."

"Oh, yeah? Let's see."

He leaned forward, his rangy body pressing up against her hip as he held the button to bring the target closer. Eva rolled her eyes, and turned, her eyes down as she loaded the clip. What was it about men? They all acted like they knew everything. They didn't know crap.

"See."

Eva looked up. Bullet holes all over the target. She sighed. She'd never claimed to be a good shot, did she?

"Come on, let me show you." He leaned forward, nudging her aside in the small booth to pull down the used target and putting up another, then staying close as he held the button again to return the target back out.

Eva focused on the center of his chest, her hip leaning against the counter. She had too many know-it-all men in her life. None of them knew anything. None of them knew what it meant to love a woman. Or maybe it was just her. Maybe they didn't know what it meant to love her.

Not Bradley Kaiser who loved her as a doctor, who loved her for the compassion she'd shown his dying daughter. What else could it be? Bradley Kaiser didn't know her. He didn't know anything about her. Whatever he saw in her, whatever he admired, it was something he had been looking for and not something that actually was. Ethan Kaiser wanted to think his brother had seen something special in her, but Eva knew better. Bradley had seen himself. She had nothing to offer him.

"Okay hold it here, and brace it right here." The man slid his hands down her arms, setting her up, his body pressed against her back, his groin pressed against her butt. He held the gun with her, his breath in her ear. "Now lower your chin when you sight the target. Right. Ready? Here we go."

Eva could feel the heat of the stranger's body against her, the strength of his muscles bracing her entire body as she squeezed off three more rounds.

Perceval Tucker didn't know how to love her either. He thought loving her meant he was willing to risk his life every night to keep her safe. He was more willing to die for her than he was to simply touch her, to hold her. He never reached for her the way that she reached for him, the way that she needed him. If they touched, it was always because she had reached for him. He loved her like an object, something of value, something pretty to be guarded. Not flesh, not blood, not alive. He loved her like a stranger. If he loved her at all.

"Doesn't that feel better?" The man's hands slid down her arms, caressing down her sides and coming to rest at her hips. He stroked her hips, lowering his head to brush his lips along her ear. "Why don't you try now, baby?"

A breath filled Eva's chest. She lowered her chin. Sighted. And fired. She felt the rounds explode down her arms, into her chest. She shifted her weight and lowered the gun.

She wasn't sure what Mason knew. He understood her in a way she hadn't been understood since Ghost. He could just look at her and know how she was feeling. But he was just as over protective as Tucker. Given the opportunity, he'd probably be doing the same thing Tucker was doing. But he had his own secrets. What if she couldn't carry those? What if they couldn't carry each other's secrets? It didn't matter anyhow. She couldn't show herself to him. She couldn't show herself to anyone.

"Mmm... doesn't that feel good, baby?" Fingers drew her hair back from the right side of her face, lips kissing her neck. Eva tilted her head to the side as she lowered the gun to the counter, engaging the safety. The stranger's hands moved up her body beneath her sweater, grabbing and squeezing her breasts through the cotton of her tank top. She turned, her eyes closed as she tilted her head back, his body crushing her against the counter as she let him kiss her. How long had it been? Too many years to count.

Gunfire continued to pop around them. Her breath was loud in her ears. She reached for him, hands on his lanky frame. He lifted her up, setting her on the counter. She parted her thighs to let him between them. Yes, it felt good. It felt good to be touched. To be wanted. To feel the heat of someone's body against her. The need of someone's lips. Arms wrapped around her, holding onto her. Holding onto her.

"Stop." She got a hand between them and shoved him back. The force of it caught him by surprise and he stumbled back a few steps. Just enough time for her to collect her piece and her extra clip. Just enough time to slide to her feet. Just enough time to push past the arms that reached for her.

Eva wanted to be reached for. She just didn't know why the only one reaching for her was a stranger.

Luna Eva

Date: 2008-12-25 01:18 EST
"Alright everyone, keep working on those affirmations and thinking about your goals for the new year, oh and we'll see everyone back at the normal time next week!" Father Michelson's voice grew louder as he spoke to be heard over the sound of scraping chairs that echoed around the basement of the Church of the Holy Trinity, heralding the end of the weekly Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Some of the attendants drifted towards the refreshment table, clumping in groups, and making small talk over steaming cups of coffee.

Eva stood, beginning to pull on the layers of warm clothing that were piled over her folding chair. She unwound her verdant green scarf from the chair's metal back, the one that Blue had recently given her, and rewound it about her neck.

"I see you have a scarf again. That's good." Father Michelson smiled as he approached her, his lips cracked and dry from the cold, but his eyes were warm and crinkly as always. "Dynna was going to knit you one."

Eva looked at him, alarmed. "We're doing a gift exchange? I didn't know that... I don't - "

"No, no." He held up his hands to reassure her. "She had noticed you didn't have one, thought it might be nice."

"Oh." Eva shoved her hands in her pockets and glanced towards the remaining group members. Dynna was laughing, her curly hair pinned down to her cheeks beneath a bright yellow hat. Eva opened and closed her hands in the warmth of her pockets. Tucker had bought her a set. A scarf, a cap, gloves. But Eva didn't know what color he'd chosen for her. The items remained wrapped in their package, shoved in a desk drawer in her room at the inn. Hidden from sight.

"You look surprised."

Eva shrugged her shoulders and looked back at the priest. "I guess... I just don't know why she'd want to spend time doing that for me."

"You think it's strange someone would want to do something for you?"

"I don't know. I guess not." She shrugged again.

He looked at her, and then nodded his head. "Come on, I need your help with something." From the basement, he led her up into the chapel and through towards the office. The narrow halls of the stone church were cold and drafty, but lined with celebratory bunting for the season. Eva preferred the church in the summertime when it was a cool relief to the outside heat.

"You haven't said much in group for a few months now." Father Michelson glanced over his shoulder at her, and then smiled at her expression. "Did you think no one noticed?"

Eva tugged at the ends of her scarf. "I'm not... obligated to say anything." Eva paused in the doorway of his office, lingering there as he continued inside.

"True. But for a while there you'd become almost talkative. Then suddenly, nothing." From a corner of his desk, Father Michelson picked up a box, and then turned to hand it to her. "Hold this."

She took the box from him, looking down at it while he pulled on his winter gear. It was made of flimsy cardboard, dusty and faded. Something had been written in pencil on the lid ages ago, but it was illegible now.

As soon as the priest finished tying his scarf, Eva moved to return the box, but he held up a hand to stop her. "No, no. You carry that. I have something else to carry." He continued down the hall and Eva followed. "So come on. Why the sudden silence in the meetings? And don't try to tell me you're contemplating God's grace." He offered a teasing smile. "I'm on to you, heathen."

Eva couldn't help smiling, but the question still hung between them. She took a breath, and her smile faded as she sighed. "There's just... a lot going on in my life... I don't... I don't have anything left for the people in there." She jutted her chin in the general direction of the basement.

Father Michelson stopped in the hallway, glancing at her as he pulled open the door to the utility closet. "Yes, but they may have something left for you. But you don't share your problems." He looked away then, leaning into the closet, and with a grunt, lifted out a folded wooden ladder. He balanced it on his shoulder, looping his arm through it. Eva stepped forward to help him, reaching to carry one end of the ladder, but he waved her off. He kicked the closet door shut, and then bent his head to look at her through the rungs of the ladder. "What I want to know is, why do you find it so difficult to ask for help?"

Eva frowned. She wanted help. Wanted to open up, to share her worries. There was so much on her mind. The fights she'd been having with Piper; Adalia Kaiser's death; Hudson Fraiser's loss at sea; Eless' illness; Mason's missing sister. But the person she wanted to talk to most... well, she and Tucker couldn't even speak to each other for five minutes without fighting about their own problems.

Just the thought of that last argument had her eyes welling with tears. She was pretty sure Tucker was done with her. He gave her the key to his guest house like... like he was going away. She'd been trying so hard, but it felt to her like Tucker had given up on them before they'd even begun. All she could think was that he just didn't want her. And maybe he'd never wanted her. Maybe he'd helped her out of a sense of obligation. Because she'd begged him to stay with her after the fire, because the trouble had, in some way, originated with him.

She tried to understand the gesture. The key to his guest house, he'd said, but then he said it was the key to everything. Eva wore the key around her neck now, next to the locket he'd given her last Christmas. But every morning when she looked at it she wanted to take it off. It felt so heavy. Yes, he'd given her a key. But in the same gesture he'd locked himself away.

"I think I lost you somewhere back there." Father Michelson had stopped, framed in the doorway that led outside. Beyond him, snow continued to fall on the small enclosed square of a garden situated in front of the church. The lawn and the low bushes that lined it were dusted with snow. In the center, the church had put up a large Christmas tree, already decorated with tinsel and lights and multicolored glittering ornaments.

"Sorry, yeah." Eva blinked back her tears, and stepped past him out into the snow.

Father Michelson followed. "That's alright. I just hope that whatever's been troubling you that you'll consider sharing it with us in the New Year." He gave her a knowing smile. "Or that you'll entrust it to God."

Before she could respond, he set the wooden ladder firmly in the snow beside the Christmas tree, tested it for balance, and then looked back to her. "Okay, I'll take that now." He reached for the box she held in her hands, and Eva handed it over. "Now open it."

Eva raised a brow but stepped forward in the snow and lifted the cover off. Inside was a glass angel. For the top of the Christmas tree. She had her arms outstretched, and her head angled down with a welcoming smile. And she was beautiful.

"Go on." Father Michelson nodded. "I'll hold the ladder for you."

"She'll get covered in snow. She'll get frozen." Eva looked up at him, unwilling to take the angel out of her protective box.

"It will make her sparkle." He smiled patiently.

Eva looked down at the angel for a moment, then finally took her from her box. Father Michelson steadied the ladder while she climbed. At the top of the tree, Eva carefully slid the angel in place, making sure she was straight and secure. From the top of the ladder, Eva could see the angel's view of the surrounding street and buildings, of the gently falling snow, all under the protection of the church spires.

Looking at the angel all alone at the top of the tree, Eva felt a deep ache in the center of her chest. Though she had never before been willing to admit it, Eva knew that she'd loved Tucker. It was her heart that was aching.

She took a deep breath of the frigid air, and then began her descent back to the snowy ground where Father Michelson waited. She would let herself love Tucker until the new year. Then it would be time to start over.