"Here's what I hate: I hate that after more than a decade of this, I still wake up some mornings and the first thought on my mind is when am I gonna score?

"I hate thinking I can control it, like almost convincing myself that I can handle taking just one pill to ease the pain. I say to myself, I've been so good, so in control. And I'd be taking it for real reasons, for actual physical pain. Just until the ache stopped. I deserve to feel better. Don't I deserve to feel better?

"But even worse than that, is when I'm feeling good. I mean, I had a really great weekend with the guy I'm seeing. But it's like, I just keep thinking back you know? My brain goes there and I don't know why and I don't know how to stop it. I start thinking about how good it felt to have sex when I was using. And I think I should explain it to him, so he knows, and then maybe if we did a hit together, we could enjoy it just once, and then we'd stop because even if I'm not strong, he's strong.

"God, how sick is that? I mean, at this point can I even blame it on a chemical dependency? Cause I think it's just me. It's just me. I'm just sick. I get one good thing - no, I get one amazing thing and I want to blow it on one cheap freaking score, and I want to drag him into it, the one good thing that I've got.

"And you know what I said to him the other night? I said, I said the worst things I've ever done I've done sober. That's such unbelievable bull. Like I'm trying not to take responsibility for the crap I did while I was high. I mean, I probably don't even remember half of it. Seriously, how would I remember?

"I did it all. Me. I did it. I don't know why I have to keep repeating that to myself. I don't know why I keep forgetting that. I'm the one responsible. I made those choices.

"So, yeah, I've been thinking about it more. You know, how to lift some. Some of the pain medication that I picked up for him. Stashing it, and trying to figure out what I'd need to do to get away with it, right? Like when I'd take it, and how much I could take without tipping him off. I think about where I could hide it. I think about it a lot. You know, it's like I'm formulating a plan.

"I haven't told that many people here that I'm recovering. But like... everyone I've told... sometimes I feel like they look at me like they think I'm just an inch away from using again. It's the junkie look, you know? Like they've gotta keep an eye on me. Make sure I'm keeping in line, and wondering if I'm using again.

"He never gives me that look.

"Maybe he should though. I mean, just listen to me. Maybe he's the one who's wrong.

"I don't want to lie to him. I don't want to be a liar. I mean, I'm a junkie, right? I'm a good liar. But I don't want to be one for him. Are secrets lies? Because he already knows I have secrets. How do I know what secrets to keep? If I want to keep a secret from him, does that make me a liar?

"Anyhow, so I'm here now. I'm telling you guys. I hate freaking talking at these things. I freaking hate it. But I'm here. I just keep coming here. So maybe tomorrow when I wake up I won't think about when I'm gonna score. Don't know what I'm gonna do tomorrow."

"I just... I wonder sometimes... if the things that happened to me, the bad things, if they hadn't happened... would I still have become a user?

"I mean, not like in a destiny sort of way. I believe in self-determination, I think we all have to, I mean... everyone in this group has to take responsibility for their choices, right? So we can't believe in fate or predestination. Our addictions may be out of our control but the choices that led us here were ours...

"No, what I mean is, would I still have chosen drugs? Was that path a part of my genetic makeup? Regardless of any... any traumatic experiences? Was addiction a part of my personality, determined from birth, like... a sense of humor, or my... my affinity for math?

"I'm not trying to say it wasn't my choice... I know that it was, I know that it was my responsibility... but did it like... did it need a trigger?

"In this room... there isn't always like a thing, like one thing, that you could point to and say, 'Oh, that drove him to it.' Maybe sometimes people just make mistakes. Sometimes they just spiral.

"I guess it's not important, I guess it doesn't matter why it happened. In the end we're all here. And the past can't be erased.

"I just keep thinking... if I knew... if I knew that my addiction had nothing to do with what happened to me... well... maybe I'd stop excusing every craving, every temptation as a reaction to the bad time I'm having.

"I want to stop that. I want to stop excusing the cravings. Cause some day... some day it's going to happen again. I can feel it. That happiness is just a breath away from... from...

"And if it does... if it happens again... I'm going to lose myself, I'm going to lose myself, I know that I can't stop myself and there will be nothing to stop me.

"Maybe I already have. Maybe I'm already lost. I don't know. I don't know."

"I haven't thought about using in a long time. I mean... not seriously anyhow. Not planning like I used to do. Or... or thinking about it when I wake up. Well, that's not true. I have the thought, but it doesn't stick. It just melts. Instantly. Like snow on a warm day.

"I wish... I wish I could call it a victory or something, but it's not. It's not a victory. I think, more than anything, I'm just... just really distracted. Tired. And distracted. I don't crave a high cause I don't have time to think about it. How would I work a high into my schedule?

"It's funny that I think about it that way cause I used to get high because of my busy schedule. You know? I mean... I did it to cope. It got me through the day.

"But now... now it just seems like another distraction. So... so, maybe that is a victory... maybe it is. I don't know.

"My partner... my boyfriend... he worries about being a burden sometimes. He's not well, and... and he's gotten hurt a lot in the last year... but... it's not... it's not his health that's a burden. It's his happiness. I don't know how to be responsible for his happiness. But I feel like I am. I mean... how can I be responsible for his happiness, when I can barely manage my own.

"I've never been happy. But I feel like I'm supposed to be happy now. Happy so I can make sure he's happy. Like how... how when he compliments me, I have to try to react the right way. I'm not good at that, you know?

"I hide from him still. I know I do. I hide and I lie. And I don't know how to stop. I don't know if I want to stop.

"Isn't it enough that I'm not using. Can't he just say 'thank you for being sober' and leave me alone? I mean, I'm gonna screw up. I'm screwing up now. I haven't been to a meeting in a long time. I lied about it at first, and then... and then now there are other things... but don't you think when you... when you date a junkie, you should just... just be thankful for sobriety and forgive everything else?

"That's all I want right now... that's all I want. Cause maybe it's not a victory. And maybe I'll always be a liar. But I'm freaking sober, and sometimes I think that should be enough."

"So, I have this toothache.

"I know it's not a big deal. I mean... it's just... it's probably nothing, right? It's probably nothing. It's nothing.

"But it's... it's... I mean... I don't want to deal with it. I just... I don't want to deal with it. Cause what if it's not nothing? What if it's something?

"I know there are options. I mean... if it's minor I can still get some pain relief, right? You know, like a local... Novocaine. Lidocaine. Whatever.

"But what if it... what if it's serious? What if... what if...? Hell.

"I could ask my partner to go with me... he would go if I asked. I know he would. And I don't know why I'm afraid to ask him. I should just ask him. I should ask him.

"I've been trying to... trying to be more honest with him. About, you know, my problem. It's hard for me. I mean... I don't want to him to think of me like that. I don't want him to think about all these problems. I want him to think of me as... as strong... and... and clean.

"I don't want him to have to hold my hand at the dentist. I don't want him to have to see me explain to the dentist why I can't take pain medication. I don't want... I don't want him to see the look the dentist is gonna give me when I tell him. I mean... you know that look, right? That... that, 'oh you're a junkie,' look. I don't want him to see that.

"I trust him, though. I mean... I trust him. Even if... even if he does see that... I know... I know I'm supposed to share my problems with him. I know we're supposed to share.

"So... so I guess I can share.

"Cause I just... I really need him to hold my hand."

?I feel so damaged. I mean... that?s what we are, right? We?re damaged? It?s just... I feel like I should be protecting him... and if I were to do that, wouldn?t I be keeping him away from me? Wouldn?t I be protecting him from me?

?I hurt people. That?s what I do. And when I?m not.... when I?m not hurting the people in my life, the people who dare to care for me... then I?m hurting myself. I?m tearing myself to pieces.

?When I lie in bed at night, the few minutes that I?m alone, when he?s.... when he?s in the bathroom or getting a glass of water... I think... I think maybe this is.... maybe this is my natural state... you know... being alone. Maybe I?m supposed to be alone.

?Maybe this was all just too much for me to dream. That I could find someone. That I could have someone. Maybe it was too much.

?And then he comes back in the room and he turns off the light and he gets into bed beside me. And he pulls me close and... oh god... it?s almost unbearable...

?That he might stay with me... forever... it?s almost as terrifying as losing him.

?Jesus...

?Even when I?m with him I?m alone.?

?I had to go to Star's End recently. Nothing important. Errand.

?It was weird though. I mean, I haven't thought about using in... in a long time now. So long, I can't even remember.

?But as soon as I step into Star's End, as soon as I breathe that air, and hear the noise of the port, it's like... it's like it all comes back to me. All of those old habits. The old friends. The old places.

?The alley where I used to score. The club where I used to go dancing. The bar where I met my dealer. All those memories. Just being there.

?And I swear, it almost felt like I wanted it again.

?I know that this is one of the hardest things for people to do. But I had to... I had to start my life over to get where I am now. I had to sever ties. And for a long time that new life... it felt so empty... so... so dead. Without the high, you know? It was like I was dead without the high.

?But now my life is alive again.

?I don't want it anymore.

?I don't want it.

?So I guess... I guess this is what fifteen years of sobriety feels like.?