With every breath a translucent white cloud burst from Eva's lips in the darkness. The steady rhythm of her steps, of her breath, was meditative as she ran. When she first set out, her thoughts rushed, coming one on top of the other. Now, they were slow; her mind and body syncing to the pace set by her feet pounding on the road.

She'd been thinking about Mason. About how he made her feel. About kissing him. About what that meant. She said she'd let Tucker go come the New Year, but the New Year had come and gone. How could she set a deadline for her heart?

Eva's head had been swimming. She had to get out of the city. So she went for a run. She didn't think about where she was going. She just ran.

Tucker's farm appeared out of the darkness as if it had been conjured. As if some power greater than she had guided her like a shuttle on a Ouija board to just where she wanted to go.

Eva stopped at the gate. Hands on her hips, chest heaving, she stared at the house. The windows were shuttered. And there was something... no. Eva squinted, trying to make it out in the darkness. Carefully, she lifted herself over the fence and started down the snowy path towards the cottage.

The small Japanese Maple tree that Eva had given to Tucker for Christmas had been planted beside the lamp post. Tucker was gone. And he'd left her tree behind.

With her head canted to one side, Eva stared at the sapling. It looked so small in the cold. Eva pulled off one of her gloves, and reached out to touch the tree, a crisp leaf sliding between her fingers. Whenever she felt this small, Mason opened his arms to her.

When things with Mason had first begun to move forward, every time he reached for her she thought Why couldn't Tucker do this? Why couldn't Tucker hold me like this? Eva had blamed herself for everything that happened with him. If only she'd been a better person, if only she'd been more deserving. Looking at the tree now, she wanted to be angry. She wanted to turn all the hurt, all the self loathing into rage against Tucker. But she couldn't.

Eva pulled her glove back on and started jogging down the path returning towards the road. She just wanted to get back to the inn now. If she ran fast enough, she could still catch Mason for a late night drink.

"So, yeah, I've been seeing someone." Eva shifted uncomfortably on the folding chair in the basement of the Church of the Holy Trinity.

Across the circle of chairs, Jack, the plumber, snorted. "Bloody Hallelujah. The ice queen gets laid."

Eva rolled her eyes while laughter rippled through the group gathered for the weekly NA meeting.

Father Michelson smiled. "But, you have a question for us."

"Yeah." Eva turned her paper coffee cup in circles in her hands. "I just... here's the thing... do you think you have an obligation to... you know, be honest if it starts getting serious?"

"He doesn't know you're an addict?" Carol, the teacher, turned her hard brown eyes on Eva, raising her finely arched brow.

"No, I mean, yeah he knows that, of course. I mean... like do I have to tell him about all the stuff? That I did."

"He doesn't need to know that." Carol shook her head firmly.

"And whyever not?" The mage steepled his fingers.

Jack rolled his eyes. "She's supposed to tell every guy she meets about all the times she scored? Give me a break."

"It's in the steps - a faithful accounting." Dynna hadn't spoken since returning from a setback just after the new year. All eyes turned to her, and she immediately looked away.

"Screw the steps." Jack insisted. "And look even if it is in the steps, they don't say she has to tell everyone she dates about it. Everyone has secrets."

Eva frowned. "Right but... but if... if someone loves you but doesn't know your secrets then... then do they really love you? Or do they love the person they want you to be?"

"No one can ever know anyone completely. We're all strangers, no matter what we tell each other." Carol shrugged her shoulders.

"So you think he won't care for you if he really knows who you are?" Father Michelson furrowed his brow as he looked at Eva.

"No... I... " She cursed quietly and shook her head. "I'm afraid he'll still want to be with me... and then I don't... I mean... What kind of person would want to be with someone who's done the things I've done? I mean... what kind of person does that make him?"

"Jesus Christ, you're a hypocrite." Jack, the plumber grimaced, disgusted.

"Now, now. Let's... let's try to keep this polite." Father Michelson held out a hand towards Jack, then motioned for him to continue. "Why don't you try to explain that... politely."

"Look, whenever we talk about this kind of stuff, you're the one always going on about how we have to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, other than Father-Jesus-Saves here, but I mean, damn, look at you. You can't even forgive yourself either."

Eva frowned and looked down at her coffee cup, turning it in circles.

"So damn, yeah, do whatever you want. Tell him, don't tell him. But until you forgive yourself, you're just gonna keep getting what you deserve."

Dynna looked back at Eva and once again broke her sullen silence. "Nothing."

The pews in the Church of the Holy Trinity smelled faintly of lemon furniture polish. Eva sat on the hard wood bench, looking ahead at the altar before her, the stained glass windows, the crucifix hanging above.

She didn't know how long she had been sitting there. Serena's words pounded in her head.

What did you do?

Eva wasn't sure what she had done. But she felt guilty all the same.

Movement beside her caught her eye and she looked over. Father Michelson, better known to Eva now as Patrick, stood at the end of the row.

"Hello, Eva. Am I disturbing you?"

Eva shrugged.

Patrick bent to look at her closely, the dark circles beneath her eyes, the slumped posture, the unfocused eyes, and then lowered his voice. "Did you have a fight with Mason?"

Eva shook her head.

"Problems at work?" Another head shake from Eva, and the priest took a seat beside her. "As much as I enjoy a game of twenty questions, we might make better progress if you give me a hint."

Eva was quiet a moment, eyes ahead on the crucifix. Her voice was thin and uncertain when she finally spoke. "Someone I... someone I used to love... well, he doesn't want to see me anymore. He doesn't want me in his life anymore. I'm having a hard time with it."

"Why? That is, why are you having a hard time with it?"

"I don't know..." Eva shook her head and looked down. Her hands pushed out of her sleeves, and she looked at her open palms on her thighs. "I just... I tried so hard... I really... I never understood why he... why he went away... I thought he cared for me but... we just... didn't work... and I just don't understand."

She sighed and looked over at the priest. "Last night, I asked a friend of his to check on him... because... because when we talked a couple days ago, he seemed really... lonely." Eyes back on her hands, they balled into fists and rubbed at her jeans. "She basically told me to leave him alone... made me feel like... like I'm forcing myself on him... and that... well, that I have Mason so I shouldn't care anymore."

"But clearly you do care."

"Yeah... I do." Her pause stretched on, but the priest must have sensed she had more to say, and remained quiet. "I keep thinking... if we could just talk about it... things would be better between us... I mean... obviously we're not... we're not right for each other... I thought we were... I don't know... but maybe if we could just talk... maybe I could just... understand what happened..."

"And then it wouldn't hurt as much, correct?" Patrick leaned forward to catch her eyes.

"Yeah." The word was accompanied with a sigh, her tired eyes meeting his, then looking away when she saw what was there.

"Everyone heals in their own way, Eva. You can't force him to be a part of your healing."

"It's not just that though... I mean, I'm angry too. I'm hurt and I'm angry. I don't think he tried at all... not the way I did... and I hate that I... that I've had these feelings all by myself for so long... that he's never even... he's never..." Hearing her own words, she stopped and shook her head. What was the point? Maybe Serena was right. What was holding onto this anger doing for her?

She still couldn't stop the frown that formed on her lips, nor the wave of emotion that gripped her. "I'm not... this feeling is not going to go away. I'm always going to care for him. I can't stop that."

"You would be a very different woman if you could." He patted her thigh gently and stood. "Perhaps someday he'll be ready to accept that caring. More likely he will find it from another source."

Her head bent. She knew the truth of his words, but it didn't make the sting any less. She sighed softly, trying to blow the ache from her chest. "How come we only talk about me when we're together?"

"Because you're more interesting. I'm just a priest with a patient manner."

"And you're too cheap for cable." Eva leaned to call after him as he walked away. "I'm gonna start charging you for this entertainment."

Patrick's laughter floated back to her as he disappeared towards the church offices. Eva turned back to face the altar and got to her feet. Her chest still ached. She tried a deep breath and shook her head. She just needed more time.