Eva reached up and began untangling her coat from the grasping sleeves of all the other coats on the crowded rack. Behind her, the wednesday night meeting of Narcotics Anonymous continued in the damp basement of the Church of the Holy Trinity. Gingerly, she pulled a wool sleeve free of the clawing teeth of a leather jacket, and with a final tug, someone?s spare change jingled to the hardwood floor.
?Leaving so soon??
Eva jumped at the sound of Father Michelson?s voice behind her. She turned from the rack slowly, holding her coat to her chest like it could shield her from guilt in addition to the cold. ?Uh, yeah. I? you know? I promised a patient I would stop by.?
Father Michelson smiled. ?A patient? I take it you are practicing again?? Medicine??
Eva nodded and shifted her weight impatiently. Father Michelson turned and started up the stairs in the direction of the door, expecting Eva to follow. ?Interesting that you haven?t shared anything about that with the group.?
?Well?? Eva slipped on her coat as they moved. ?I?ve had a lot of things going on.?
?So I?ve gathered. I?ve always found that interesting about you. The more worries you have, the less you speak.?
Eva stopped short and levelled her gaze at the priest, her words low and hard. ?It must be easy, expecting everyone to open themselves to you, while you get to be so closed. No one ever expects you to share your problems.?
Father Michelson?s smile faded. He lowered his voice. ?It is a burden, I assure you.?
Eva watched him a moment, then looked down, regretting her words. From downstairs, the sound of laughter drifted up from the meeting and then quickly faded again. Father Michelson stood still, folding his hands behind his back and he watched her.
Just as the silence began to tip, Eva broke it with a quiet confession. ?Mason?s out of town. He?s with my family, helping take down my parents? house? the house where they were killed. It?s just? it?s hard. It?s hard that he?s not here. And it?s hard that he?s doing what he?s doing for me. And it?s hard that I?m not strong enough to be there with him and not strong enough to be here without him.?
Father Michelson nodded and continued to watch her. Silence stretched again. Eva looked back at Father Michelson, rubbing her fists on her thighs, and she sighed. ?Aren?t you going to say anything??
?No, I don?t think so.?
?You?re punishing me then??
?There isn?t always going to be an answer to every problem.?
?You usually have some wisdom or platitude or something.?
?Usually I tell people to pray---in this case I would tell you to pray for strength. Pray and God will provide.?
Eva rolled her eyes and sniffed. Father Michelson pressed his lips together, irritation showing in his eyes. ?Eva, I have tolerated your lack of faith for many years now, but don?t let my tolerance and our friendship be mistaken for approval. When you are dismissive of God, you are dismissive of me.? Father Michelson turned and started away from her but he paused and looked back. ?You are neither weak nor alone. I am your friend, and I am beside you. And when I am not, it is God who keeps your company.?
Before Eva could respond, Father Michelson had disappeared down the basement stairs once more. Eva stood frozen for a long moment, staring after him, a yawning emptiness stretching from her heart to her belly.
Long after the echoes of Father Michelson's footsteps had gone, Eva realized that she was lingering at the church threshold. And, once again, she was alone.
?Leaving so soon??
Eva jumped at the sound of Father Michelson?s voice behind her. She turned from the rack slowly, holding her coat to her chest like it could shield her from guilt in addition to the cold. ?Uh, yeah. I? you know? I promised a patient I would stop by.?
Father Michelson smiled. ?A patient? I take it you are practicing again?? Medicine??
Eva nodded and shifted her weight impatiently. Father Michelson turned and started up the stairs in the direction of the door, expecting Eva to follow. ?Interesting that you haven?t shared anything about that with the group.?
?Well?? Eva slipped on her coat as they moved. ?I?ve had a lot of things going on.?
?So I?ve gathered. I?ve always found that interesting about you. The more worries you have, the less you speak.?
Eva stopped short and levelled her gaze at the priest, her words low and hard. ?It must be easy, expecting everyone to open themselves to you, while you get to be so closed. No one ever expects you to share your problems.?
Father Michelson?s smile faded. He lowered his voice. ?It is a burden, I assure you.?
Eva watched him a moment, then looked down, regretting her words. From downstairs, the sound of laughter drifted up from the meeting and then quickly faded again. Father Michelson stood still, folding his hands behind his back and he watched her.
Just as the silence began to tip, Eva broke it with a quiet confession. ?Mason?s out of town. He?s with my family, helping take down my parents? house? the house where they were killed. It?s just? it?s hard. It?s hard that he?s not here. And it?s hard that he?s doing what he?s doing for me. And it?s hard that I?m not strong enough to be there with him and not strong enough to be here without him.?
Father Michelson nodded and continued to watch her. Silence stretched again. Eva looked back at Father Michelson, rubbing her fists on her thighs, and she sighed. ?Aren?t you going to say anything??
?No, I don?t think so.?
?You?re punishing me then??
?There isn?t always going to be an answer to every problem.?
?You usually have some wisdom or platitude or something.?
?Usually I tell people to pray---in this case I would tell you to pray for strength. Pray and God will provide.?
Eva rolled her eyes and sniffed. Father Michelson pressed his lips together, irritation showing in his eyes. ?Eva, I have tolerated your lack of faith for many years now, but don?t let my tolerance and our friendship be mistaken for approval. When you are dismissive of God, you are dismissive of me.? Father Michelson turned and started away from her but he paused and looked back. ?You are neither weak nor alone. I am your friend, and I am beside you. And when I am not, it is God who keeps your company.?
Before Eva could respond, Father Michelson had disappeared down the basement stairs once more. Eva stood frozen for a long moment, staring after him, a yawning emptiness stretching from her heart to her belly.
Long after the echoes of Father Michelson's footsteps had gone, Eva realized that she was lingering at the church threshold. And, once again, she was alone.