Topic: Voices

Luna Eva

Date: 2008-08-01 19:39 EST
Eva couldn't sleep. She felt sick to her stomach. She wasn't even sure why she'd gotten into bed. The room was silent, a blank canvas on which the cacophony of voices in her head could loop and layer and smash her to pieces.

I'm a drug addict. Okay? A junkie.

Words she wished she could take back, words she wished had never been said, the shouting of her own voice still loud in her ears.

When are you going to stop living your past, and look toward your future?

Her addiction wasn't her past. It was her now and it was her always.

I wish you would stay.
That wouldn't be good for either of us.

Rejection again, again, again.

How much do you have at your fingertips to toss away?

Nothing. Nothing at all. Just sweaty sheets.

You should have told me. You should have told me.

Never in control of her own emotions. Always letting them control her.

So no, I'm not escaping my problems here. I'm just trying to live my life.

Voices edged with anger, hacking away. Why couldn't she stop? Why wasn't she prepared to defend herself? Why couldn't she explain?

I don't want your money, and I don't want your help. Ever. Do you understand me?

No one was left. She lost everyone.

I haven't seen you... in the Marketplace...
I've been busy, I guess. I don't have much reason to come up there anymore.

She felt sick. She was going to be sick.

I'm a drug addict. Okay? A junkie.

Out of bed. Breathing out the open window. Nowhere to go.

A junkie.

A junkie.

A junkie.

Luna Eva

Date: 2008-08-07 20:33 EST
"You've got to keep this space clear, ya hear? This space right here. This is my space. All this junk it just gets in my way."

Eva paused on her way out of her apartment, and looked towards the voice. A few steps beside her door, an old man was sweeping the cobblestones, his straw broom missing most of its bristles. His clothes were in good shape beneath the grime, the dirt accumulated as a result of what Eva assumed were many nights spent sleeping on the street, but he was wearing too many layers for the hot weather. He kept wiping his sweaty forehead with a balled up knit cap, making his forehead the cleanest part of his face.

"You gotta just clear the junk away. Clear the junk."

From where Eva stood watching, she couldn't see any junk. There usually wasn't much trash in the alley, thanks to the bookstore clerk who swept it every night. But the stranger continued to sweep and scratch.

Eva turned her key, locking her door, and then stepped into the alleyway. The man looked up at the sound of her keys jingling.

"See, it's gotta be clear." He gestured towards the space.

Eva looked at him, and then his space. How long had he been working on the area? "It looks pretty clear to me."

"Some would say, yeah, some would say." He mumbled something further, but Eva couldn't make it out.

"What are you going to do with it once it's clear?"

"What am I - " He scoffed mid-question as if the answer were obvious. "What am I gonna do with it? Well I'm gonna sit there, right there in my clear space." He pointed with the knit cap towards the spot. "So I can think. So I can think right, ya hear?"

Eva nodded, as if it made perfect sense, her eyes studying his face. He actually wasn't much older than she, though he seemed the worse for his life. He smelled like sweat and coffee grinds, a surprisingly inoffensive smell. There was a look about him that Eva found familiar. As if he had once been clear of mind, as if he had once been loved. But somehow now, everything was lost.

"Do you think you could clear a space for me?" Eva motioned to the cobblestones beside the square space he'd been sweeping.

The homeless man turned to look behind him, surveying the area, his lower lip jutting out. With his decrepit broom, he traced a second square. Then he nodded. "Yes, ma'am, I could."

"Yeah? Great... okay..." Eva nodded, looking at the spot, then looking up at him. "I'll be back in a little while."

"Yes, ma'am, yes ma'am. I'll get this all clear here."

As Eva walked away, the homeless man was extending his sweep area to include the space he was clearing for her, mumbling.

An hour later, Eva found him sitting in his spot. He leaned against the building, the broom arranged beside him as if in a place of honor. Eva's paper bag crinkled as she sat in the space beside him, the space that he'd cleared for her.

"Looks good, thanks."

"Oh, yes ma'am. I got pretty good at clearing thinking spaces, ya hear?"

Eva nodded, stretching her legs out in front of her and opening her paper bag. She sensed his eyes on her as she withdrew two bananas from the bag. She held one out towards him casually, as if it were only natural that she'd come back with food to share. He wiped his hands on his pants, took the banana, and then reached out again as Eva produced a blueberry muffin from the bag. She balanced her own muffin on her thigh, balling up the empty paper bag and setting it between them.

By some unspoken agreement, they both started on their banana first, making mush of each soft bite in their mouths and looking at the brick wall across the way. The homeless man made noise in his throat as he ate, as if he were unaccustomed to being quiet. Between each bite of banana a few mumbled words spilled out.

When he was done with his banana, the man set the peel neatly down beside the broom. Eva set hers down in a mirrored position. She reached for her muffin while the man was taking a crumbly bite of his own. Eva nibbled at the muffin, brushing away the crumbs as they fell, and occasionally stealing a glance at the man.

He was mad, of course. But harmless too, she thought. It made sense to join him for some food, to make him feel like she wasn't pitying him by bringing him food, and instead simply sharing a snack with him. But now that they were both done eating, she wasn't in any hurry to leave. The sound of his voice, of his ceaseless babbling, distracted her from the usual painful noise inside her head.

Sitting beside the homeless man, Eva watched the shadows lengthen in the alleyway, and felt the afternoon heat ease its hot hold on the day. Her mind drifted away and then returned, like an untethered dinghy floating on the tides.

At sunset, the homeless man stood without a word, gathering his broom and preparing to leave. Eva tilted her head back against the brick wall and looked up at him, squinting against the fading light.

"What were you thinking about?" Eva got it out just before he shuffled out of earshot, and the man paused, turning to look at her.

"I weren't thinking about nothing." He nodded his head as if in agreement with himself, and then continued on, disappearing into dwindling crowds of the Marketplace.

Eva looked back at the brick wall across from her, a cool breeze teasing her hair, a small smile curving the corners of her lips. For once, she hadn't been thinking about anything either.