What do people see when they look at me? I've often wondered. Do they see me as I once was, a proud soldier of the Alliance, ready to fight and die for a cause I knew nothing about? Or do they see me as I am, confused and guilt-ridden, knowing now that my life has been a lie? Or is it all hidden behind this facade, this ice cold image of mine that I learned from those who would would have me return to them, be what I once was?
I never questioned anything when I was with them. I followed orders, I killed and captured for them, I fought and watched my fellows die, and I never thought twice. And then the Tam girl was taken away from the Academy, and we were ordered to bring in this fugitive teenager by whatever means necessary.
That was when the doubts crept in. What could a 16 year old girl possibly have that the Alliance wanted so badly? I remember it so clearly. She was just a kid, probably homesick for her family, and her brother took her out of there. Of course, the Alliance don't like it when someone makes them look like fools, and this kid's brother had certainly done that. I didn't like the idea that if I ever came across her, I had the authority to do whatever was necessary to bring her in. It felt ... wrong.
Barely two years after that, and I was assigned to the Operative searching for the Tams. I couldn't believe the scale of the operation, the weapons we were equipped with to bring in one little girl. The battle above that pirate's moon, where we were fighting for our lives against the Reavers Malcolm Reynolds led straight to us will haunt me until the day I die. And I still cannot believe that I escaped in a pod, landed, and allowed myself to be drawn back into the military unit, to surround the 'little girl' who had taken out a score of Reavers by herself.
The order to stand down was one of the turning points in my life. It wasn't until later that I learned why we had been ordered not to take her in. That recording, the holo-recording that the crew of Serenity had fought so hard to show to the 'verse ... I carry it with me, always. Listen to it ... see if you understand my guilt.
These are just a few of the images we've recorded. And you can see, it wasn't what we thought. There's been no war here and no terraforming event. The environment is stable. It's the Pax. The G-23 Paxilon Hydrochlorate that we added to the air processors. It was supposed to calm the population, weed out aggression. Well, it works. The people here stopped fighting. And then they stopped everything else. They stopped going to work, they stopped breeding, talking, eating. There's 30 million people here, and they all just let themselves die.
30 million people ... the Alliance, my Alliance, the cause I had given my life to, they killed them. Trying to make them better, make them conform to what they thought was a better way to be.
How do you live with that? How can I live with myself, knowing that I've hunted and killed for people who only want conformity, who want total control? I have to get away from here. I can't live with this blood on my hands, not without trying to make at least some of what I've done right.
He won't understand. How can I tell him, the perfect soldier, the Alliance's poster boy, that I just don't believe in it anymore? I can't. I can't ask him to make that choice ... between me, and the system he's served all his life. I think I know who would come out the victor.
So I won't make him choose. I'll leave, however I can, as soon as I can. Because, for the first time in my life, it's the right thing to do. Despite all those years of service, no matter the joy I found in them, no matter the sacrifices I made and those around me made, I know the truth now.
I was wrong.
I never questioned anything when I was with them. I followed orders, I killed and captured for them, I fought and watched my fellows die, and I never thought twice. And then the Tam girl was taken away from the Academy, and we were ordered to bring in this fugitive teenager by whatever means necessary.
That was when the doubts crept in. What could a 16 year old girl possibly have that the Alliance wanted so badly? I remember it so clearly. She was just a kid, probably homesick for her family, and her brother took her out of there. Of course, the Alliance don't like it when someone makes them look like fools, and this kid's brother had certainly done that. I didn't like the idea that if I ever came across her, I had the authority to do whatever was necessary to bring her in. It felt ... wrong.
Barely two years after that, and I was assigned to the Operative searching for the Tams. I couldn't believe the scale of the operation, the weapons we were equipped with to bring in one little girl. The battle above that pirate's moon, where we were fighting for our lives against the Reavers Malcolm Reynolds led straight to us will haunt me until the day I die. And I still cannot believe that I escaped in a pod, landed, and allowed myself to be drawn back into the military unit, to surround the 'little girl' who had taken out a score of Reavers by herself.
The order to stand down was one of the turning points in my life. It wasn't until later that I learned why we had been ordered not to take her in. That recording, the holo-recording that the crew of Serenity had fought so hard to show to the 'verse ... I carry it with me, always. Listen to it ... see if you understand my guilt.
These are just a few of the images we've recorded. And you can see, it wasn't what we thought. There's been no war here and no terraforming event. The environment is stable. It's the Pax. The G-23 Paxilon Hydrochlorate that we added to the air processors. It was supposed to calm the population, weed out aggression. Well, it works. The people here stopped fighting. And then they stopped everything else. They stopped going to work, they stopped breeding, talking, eating. There's 30 million people here, and they all just let themselves die.
30 million people ... the Alliance, my Alliance, the cause I had given my life to, they killed them. Trying to make them better, make them conform to what they thought was a better way to be.
How do you live with that? How can I live with myself, knowing that I've hunted and killed for people who only want conformity, who want total control? I have to get away from here. I can't live with this blood on my hands, not without trying to make at least some of what I've done right.
He won't understand. How can I tell him, the perfect soldier, the Alliance's poster boy, that I just don't believe in it anymore? I can't. I can't ask him to make that choice ... between me, and the system he's served all his life. I think I know who would come out the victor.
So I won't make him choose. I'll leave, however I can, as soon as I can. Because, for the first time in my life, it's the right thing to do. Despite all those years of service, no matter the joy I found in them, no matter the sacrifices I made and those around me made, I know the truth now.
I was wrong.