Wednesday, December 26th, 2012 -- pre-dawn
It's late -- really, really late, a few hours after midnight-late -- when Jackie's phone gets a few texts from Ben, one right after the other.
Are you still awake?
I miss you.
Can I come over?
Even if she doesn't respond -- even if she's sleeping or she has her phone off and doesn't see them at all -- it's just a couple of minutes later that the door to Jackie's bedroom opens slowly, silently, and Ben slips in through the door before closing it carefully behind him.
He always has a certain kind of physicality about him, and now that he and Jackie are exploring that to the fullest, it often brings out a little bit of beast in him, possessive -- even when it's more playful, that aspect is never gone completely. The strength in his hands when he holds her hips. How he has a tendency to use his teeth, even if it rarely crosses over into the realm of real biting. But every time, too, he's so focused on her, like he's possessive of her partly because he wants to do everything he can to her to make her feel good.
That isn't any different tonight, even if they are in her parents' house, in the bed she slept in as a child. He adores her just the same.
After, though, that possessive energy doesn't lessen like it usually does. Clingy isn't the right word, nor is desperate, but after a moment of afterglow, curled up together with his arm around her shoulders, hand in her hair, her head on his chest while he catches his breath and his heartbeat calms again-- after that moment, he shifts, turning onto his side and wordlessly pulling her into a tight embrace, face buried in her hair, against the top of her head. After another quiet moment, he breaks the silence, though the rumble of his voice is barely above a whisper. "I'm really happy that I got to come here with you, Jackie."
Jackie had assumed she would have a guest tonight and refrained from allowing sleep to overtake her. She stayed curled in bed, gazing around her childhood room with different eyes now, considering she had given Ben the grand tour the first night here. He said it was cute, asking her questions about every picture or knickknack. He was genuinely interested and it made her look at the items with a new found appreciation.
Her phone was being eased through restless hands when the screen went bright, lighting up the darkness of her room as the text messages came in one after the other. She didn't respond. She knew she didn't need to. Instead she waited, watching the door expectantly for his arrival. She was rather pleased when he didn't disappoint.
That beast in him is so often countered with a much softer side of Jackie so specifically reserved for him. Just as playful at times, a little teasing, but always littered with that heavy amount of infatuation for him she's unable to reign in. Delicate and sweet, words so rarely used to describe her but Ben knows all too well that nature is alive and well inside her. For all his possessiveness, she's more than content to be captured.
After the high of it all, the heaviness that had been gathered in her chest throughout majority of the night made its return. Could he sense it? Is that why he gathered her in so closely? She follows the pull rather easily and makes short work of tucking herself against him, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt with her own determined possessiveness. Her face found the crook of his neck, a slow exhale of warm breath against his throat when she replied in a similar hushed volume. "I'm happy, too, Ben. I can't thank y' enough. It's somethin' I was lookin' forward to, hopin' an' prayin' for, and it turned out so much better than I ever could have wanted."
Ben can't tell if that's an emotion of hers he's picking up on, or if that's his own heaviness that settles in his chest. He closes his eyes when her fingers curl into his shirt, and after that warm exhale against his throat, he sighs a little too, mostly contented, and slowly, idly, the fingers of one hand start to comb through her hair. "You don't need to thank me at all, Jackie. It was so good to be here with you and your family. I mean that." Pressing a kiss to her hair before turning his head to rest his cheek against the crown of her head instead. "There was just..." His voice falters, something that rarely, if ever, happens; he sighs again, quietly, and shifts his hold on her as though he's trying to hold her even more closely before trying again. "There was just one thing missing."
Was he comforting her or himself? It was always a question that passed through her mind when his fingers combed through her hair like that. Right now she figured it was for both of them, maybe he needed it just as badly as she did. Her head was lifted, the tip of her nose brushing a line along his neck while she lifted her gaze to peer up at him. She knew she was disturbing the way his head nestled into her hair, but she couldn't continue speaking against his throat during this conversation. Even if she did tuck herself further against him. "I know." The admission was soft. "My family was here, but..." A lick of her lips. This had been running through her head for days now, but it was no easier to get the words out. "Yer family wasn't."
For just a second, it seems like he's going to resist her moving, like he's going to keep her face hidden against his throat with a press of his palm to the back of her head -- but only for a second. It isn't like he'll be able to hide the emotion anyway, whether she's looking him in the face or not. It takes him another second to meet her eyes. There's a sadness in his, but it's tinged with guilt too. "Yeah." Biting down on his lower lip briefly, glancing away before making eye contact again; most of the sadness is gone, replaced by a quiet intensity, though the guilt remains. "I'm leaving in the morning --early. In a few hours." He doesn't say where -- he's pretty sure he doesn't have to. Freeing his hand from her hair, he reaches down to unhook her fingers from his shirt, lift her hand to his mouth, kiss the backs of her fingers before pressing them to his own cheek. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I didn't want... I didn't want to ruin any of this for you. Didn't want it to be on your mind. I wanted you to enjoy these few days."
Maybe it would have been easier for both of them if she stayed nestled against his neck, but she wants to be able to look at him. Even if his features are laced with a guilt and sadness she's positive is reflected in her own, neither of them are in the habit of hiding from one another. No matter how difficult. "I figured." A direct yet soft admission. Her gaze is following the movement of his hand, then her own to his lips. Fingers curl to gently press fingertips just behind the curve of his jaw when he lays her hand to rest. "Y'didn't have to tell me, sweetheart. I was a lil' selfish, I wanted this, an' I think you really wanted it too. Nothin' could have ruined it even if I shouldn't have turned such a blind eye." Her thumb dragged along the curve of his lip. "I toldja long ago that a boy needs his Daddy an' nothin' can ever change that. Yer here now, y'made it. An' I'm thankful y'made a detour fer me, but y'know where y'gotta be now an' I do, too." She forced out a faint smile, an attempt to be encouraging even if a barely there tremble in her lips could be made out.
He keeps his hand over hers, keeping it pressed to his cheek, even though it doesn't seem like she intends to pull it away. His eyes close again, briefly, when her thumb drags across his mouth; when he opens them, that guilt is gone. Still a little sad, maybe, but now there's relief too -- and maybe unexpectedly, that adoration for her. "I did really want this, sweetheart. It wasn't just a detour. I really wanted this too." Turning his head just enough to sneak a kiss to the inside of her wrist, though his eyes don't leave hers. "Thank you, Jackie. I wouldn't be able to do this right now if it wasn't for you. You know that, don't you?" Lifting his hand from hers then, but just to mirror the gesture, pressing his palm to her cheek. His voice grows a little raw when he continues, hoarse with the effort of keeping the emotion in check as best as he can. The way her lips tremble makes that even harder. "I will keep in touch with you. I promise. I don't know how it's going to work yet, what I'm going to have to do to be in his life the way I need to be, but I'm going to come back for you, as soon as I can. I promise that too."
She might have shifted her position before, but she was in no hurry to move any longer. Jackie was rather intent on staying like this for as long as they could manage. The weak smile she's wearing is pushed a little further when he says he wanted it too, her grasp tightening carefully against him. "Y'don't gotta thank me, Ben. This was all yer own determination. I knew y'could do it is all." When his hand lands on her cheek her head is turning, lips meeting his palm to press a lingering kiss while eyes fall shut. It was only when he spoke again that eyelids lifted, her gaze searching out his once more. A comforting stroke of her hand to his cheek, attempting to get him through what he needed to say. "You do what you have to. We'll keep in touch like y'say. I'll be waitin' for y'. I know you'll come back to me. But distance ain't gonna stop us none." Her fingers continued to brush down the side of his face, along the edge of his jaw. "I adore y', sweetheart. Everythin' about you. All ways, always. Y' just remember that when you're gone." Jackie was back to putting on her brave face, trying to make it that much easier for him no matter how cracked the facade was.
That gets a smile out of him, a small one, when she tells him this was all from his own determination -- that he didn't have to thank her. How many times has she told him that before about how many things? But he still means it every time -- especially this time. He bites his lip again when she kisses his palm. That gesture always stirs up such tender emotion in him, every time. But it helps to center him, too, and so does the stroke of her fingers against his cheek, along his jaw -- and so does her statement that she'll wait for him. That she knows he'll come back to her. That she adores him. "Jackie..." It's a half there quirk of a smile at his mouth, soft, and only a little sad. "I won't forget. How could I forget?" Closing the small distance between them to kiss her, and then his forehead is pressed to hers, both arms around her again. "And I adore you. Everything, all ways-always. You don't forget that either, sweetheart. You got me, even when I can't be with you right then." One more kiss aimed to her mouth, though when he breaks it, he barely pulls back at all. "I want to stay here with you until I leave in the morning."
Eyes dip shut once more when he kisses her, linger closed when he stays so close. "I won't forget. I can't." The last two words crack even with how softly she's speaking, a shuddering exhale against his lips before his are on hers again. There's not much more she can say. She's not even sure she could manage to get the words out if she wanted to with how raw her throat felt with emotion. Her final instructions would be nearly choked out, interrupted by scattered breaths giving away that she was so close to dissolving into a mess. She didn't want that to be the last thing he saw of her. A heavy swallow reined it in before she spoke. "The keys t' my truck are in the drawer of the nightstand beside y'. Y' take that an' park it at the airport. I'll have Chey drive me t' pick it up tomorrow." Fingers continued to stroke his cheek. "Stay with me. An' if I fall asleep, please don't leave without tellin' me goodbye."
He knows he has to do this. He knows he's doing the right thing. He knows that she knows it, too. But even still, it breaks his heart to see her like this, to hear her voice break in those last two words, to feel the shakiness in her breathing. But what can he do? During that pause where she's trying to get herself under control, he sinks one hand into the golden waves of her hair, tries not to wonder when he'll be able to do that again after leaving in a few hours.
But he lets her calm herself as well as she can, lets her tell him to take her truck -- lets her stroke his cheek, tell him to stay. He only pulls her in closer, hand at the back of her head to guide it to his chest, after she quiets. His heart hammers behind his ribs, something he can't control, but he forces his breathing slow and even when he hides his face in her hair again. "I'll wake you when I go. I promised you that I'd never leave without telling you goodbye." It's a hard word to say, goodbye. That quiet night in the hammock that felt so long ago now. "Adore you, sunshine. I adore you." Lips press to her forehead in a lingering kiss. "You can sleep a little," even though he knew she probably wouldn't. He didn't think he was going to either. "I'll still be here when you wake up."
There's nothing left to see. It's easier to be gathered against him because she's on the losing end of holding it together. The pace of her heart matches his, a dull ache with every thump even if the rest of her is quiet and still. "A man of yer word." When he spoke of his promise. Unfortunately, she had lulled herself into a sense of false comfort thinking that no longer applied to them. That there would be no long goodbyes. He spoke of sleep just as she had, but it wouldn't come easily. The only way she would succumb is if it took her as she thought it might. Instead she returned to brushing her fingers against his neck, taking in his warmth and committing this to memory as well as she could. No amount of mental preparation was able to soften the blow of this, not that she figured it would. But she held tightly to one thought, the reason for all of this and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was right. The hope that Ben would be reunited with Adam.
It's late -- really, really late, a few hours after midnight-late -- when Jackie's phone gets a few texts from Ben, one right after the other.
Are you still awake?
I miss you.
Can I come over?
Even if she doesn't respond -- even if she's sleeping or she has her phone off and doesn't see them at all -- it's just a couple of minutes later that the door to Jackie's bedroom opens slowly, silently, and Ben slips in through the door before closing it carefully behind him.
He always has a certain kind of physicality about him, and now that he and Jackie are exploring that to the fullest, it often brings out a little bit of beast in him, possessive -- even when it's more playful, that aspect is never gone completely. The strength in his hands when he holds her hips. How he has a tendency to use his teeth, even if it rarely crosses over into the realm of real biting. But every time, too, he's so focused on her, like he's possessive of her partly because he wants to do everything he can to her to make her feel good.
That isn't any different tonight, even if they are in her parents' house, in the bed she slept in as a child. He adores her just the same.
After, though, that possessive energy doesn't lessen like it usually does. Clingy isn't the right word, nor is desperate, but after a moment of afterglow, curled up together with his arm around her shoulders, hand in her hair, her head on his chest while he catches his breath and his heartbeat calms again-- after that moment, he shifts, turning onto his side and wordlessly pulling her into a tight embrace, face buried in her hair, against the top of her head. After another quiet moment, he breaks the silence, though the rumble of his voice is barely above a whisper. "I'm really happy that I got to come here with you, Jackie."
Jackie had assumed she would have a guest tonight and refrained from allowing sleep to overtake her. She stayed curled in bed, gazing around her childhood room with different eyes now, considering she had given Ben the grand tour the first night here. He said it was cute, asking her questions about every picture or knickknack. He was genuinely interested and it made her look at the items with a new found appreciation.
Her phone was being eased through restless hands when the screen went bright, lighting up the darkness of her room as the text messages came in one after the other. She didn't respond. She knew she didn't need to. Instead she waited, watching the door expectantly for his arrival. She was rather pleased when he didn't disappoint.
That beast in him is so often countered with a much softer side of Jackie so specifically reserved for him. Just as playful at times, a little teasing, but always littered with that heavy amount of infatuation for him she's unable to reign in. Delicate and sweet, words so rarely used to describe her but Ben knows all too well that nature is alive and well inside her. For all his possessiveness, she's more than content to be captured.
After the high of it all, the heaviness that had been gathered in her chest throughout majority of the night made its return. Could he sense it? Is that why he gathered her in so closely? She follows the pull rather easily and makes short work of tucking herself against him, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt with her own determined possessiveness. Her face found the crook of his neck, a slow exhale of warm breath against his throat when she replied in a similar hushed volume. "I'm happy, too, Ben. I can't thank y' enough. It's somethin' I was lookin' forward to, hopin' an' prayin' for, and it turned out so much better than I ever could have wanted."
Ben can't tell if that's an emotion of hers he's picking up on, or if that's his own heaviness that settles in his chest. He closes his eyes when her fingers curl into his shirt, and after that warm exhale against his throat, he sighs a little too, mostly contented, and slowly, idly, the fingers of one hand start to comb through her hair. "You don't need to thank me at all, Jackie. It was so good to be here with you and your family. I mean that." Pressing a kiss to her hair before turning his head to rest his cheek against the crown of her head instead. "There was just..." His voice falters, something that rarely, if ever, happens; he sighs again, quietly, and shifts his hold on her as though he's trying to hold her even more closely before trying again. "There was just one thing missing."
Was he comforting her or himself? It was always a question that passed through her mind when his fingers combed through her hair like that. Right now she figured it was for both of them, maybe he needed it just as badly as she did. Her head was lifted, the tip of her nose brushing a line along his neck while she lifted her gaze to peer up at him. She knew she was disturbing the way his head nestled into her hair, but she couldn't continue speaking against his throat during this conversation. Even if she did tuck herself further against him. "I know." The admission was soft. "My family was here, but..." A lick of her lips. This had been running through her head for days now, but it was no easier to get the words out. "Yer family wasn't."
For just a second, it seems like he's going to resist her moving, like he's going to keep her face hidden against his throat with a press of his palm to the back of her head -- but only for a second. It isn't like he'll be able to hide the emotion anyway, whether she's looking him in the face or not. It takes him another second to meet her eyes. There's a sadness in his, but it's tinged with guilt too. "Yeah." Biting down on his lower lip briefly, glancing away before making eye contact again; most of the sadness is gone, replaced by a quiet intensity, though the guilt remains. "I'm leaving in the morning --early. In a few hours." He doesn't say where -- he's pretty sure he doesn't have to. Freeing his hand from her hair, he reaches down to unhook her fingers from his shirt, lift her hand to his mouth, kiss the backs of her fingers before pressing them to his own cheek. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I didn't want... I didn't want to ruin any of this for you. Didn't want it to be on your mind. I wanted you to enjoy these few days."
Maybe it would have been easier for both of them if she stayed nestled against his neck, but she wants to be able to look at him. Even if his features are laced with a guilt and sadness she's positive is reflected in her own, neither of them are in the habit of hiding from one another. No matter how difficult. "I figured." A direct yet soft admission. Her gaze is following the movement of his hand, then her own to his lips. Fingers curl to gently press fingertips just behind the curve of his jaw when he lays her hand to rest. "Y'didn't have to tell me, sweetheart. I was a lil' selfish, I wanted this, an' I think you really wanted it too. Nothin' could have ruined it even if I shouldn't have turned such a blind eye." Her thumb dragged along the curve of his lip. "I toldja long ago that a boy needs his Daddy an' nothin' can ever change that. Yer here now, y'made it. An' I'm thankful y'made a detour fer me, but y'know where y'gotta be now an' I do, too." She forced out a faint smile, an attempt to be encouraging even if a barely there tremble in her lips could be made out.
He keeps his hand over hers, keeping it pressed to his cheek, even though it doesn't seem like she intends to pull it away. His eyes close again, briefly, when her thumb drags across his mouth; when he opens them, that guilt is gone. Still a little sad, maybe, but now there's relief too -- and maybe unexpectedly, that adoration for her. "I did really want this, sweetheart. It wasn't just a detour. I really wanted this too." Turning his head just enough to sneak a kiss to the inside of her wrist, though his eyes don't leave hers. "Thank you, Jackie. I wouldn't be able to do this right now if it wasn't for you. You know that, don't you?" Lifting his hand from hers then, but just to mirror the gesture, pressing his palm to her cheek. His voice grows a little raw when he continues, hoarse with the effort of keeping the emotion in check as best as he can. The way her lips tremble makes that even harder. "I will keep in touch with you. I promise. I don't know how it's going to work yet, what I'm going to have to do to be in his life the way I need to be, but I'm going to come back for you, as soon as I can. I promise that too."
She might have shifted her position before, but she was in no hurry to move any longer. Jackie was rather intent on staying like this for as long as they could manage. The weak smile she's wearing is pushed a little further when he says he wanted it too, her grasp tightening carefully against him. "Y'don't gotta thank me, Ben. This was all yer own determination. I knew y'could do it is all." When his hand lands on her cheek her head is turning, lips meeting his palm to press a lingering kiss while eyes fall shut. It was only when he spoke again that eyelids lifted, her gaze searching out his once more. A comforting stroke of her hand to his cheek, attempting to get him through what he needed to say. "You do what you have to. We'll keep in touch like y'say. I'll be waitin' for y'. I know you'll come back to me. But distance ain't gonna stop us none." Her fingers continued to brush down the side of his face, along the edge of his jaw. "I adore y', sweetheart. Everythin' about you. All ways, always. Y' just remember that when you're gone." Jackie was back to putting on her brave face, trying to make it that much easier for him no matter how cracked the facade was.
That gets a smile out of him, a small one, when she tells him this was all from his own determination -- that he didn't have to thank her. How many times has she told him that before about how many things? But he still means it every time -- especially this time. He bites his lip again when she kisses his palm. That gesture always stirs up such tender emotion in him, every time. But it helps to center him, too, and so does the stroke of her fingers against his cheek, along his jaw -- and so does her statement that she'll wait for him. That she knows he'll come back to her. That she adores him. "Jackie..." It's a half there quirk of a smile at his mouth, soft, and only a little sad. "I won't forget. How could I forget?" Closing the small distance between them to kiss her, and then his forehead is pressed to hers, both arms around her again. "And I adore you. Everything, all ways-always. You don't forget that either, sweetheart. You got me, even when I can't be with you right then." One more kiss aimed to her mouth, though when he breaks it, he barely pulls back at all. "I want to stay here with you until I leave in the morning."
Eyes dip shut once more when he kisses her, linger closed when he stays so close. "I won't forget. I can't." The last two words crack even with how softly she's speaking, a shuddering exhale against his lips before his are on hers again. There's not much more she can say. She's not even sure she could manage to get the words out if she wanted to with how raw her throat felt with emotion. Her final instructions would be nearly choked out, interrupted by scattered breaths giving away that she was so close to dissolving into a mess. She didn't want that to be the last thing he saw of her. A heavy swallow reined it in before she spoke. "The keys t' my truck are in the drawer of the nightstand beside y'. Y' take that an' park it at the airport. I'll have Chey drive me t' pick it up tomorrow." Fingers continued to stroke his cheek. "Stay with me. An' if I fall asleep, please don't leave without tellin' me goodbye."
He knows he has to do this. He knows he's doing the right thing. He knows that she knows it, too. But even still, it breaks his heart to see her like this, to hear her voice break in those last two words, to feel the shakiness in her breathing. But what can he do? During that pause where she's trying to get herself under control, he sinks one hand into the golden waves of her hair, tries not to wonder when he'll be able to do that again after leaving in a few hours.
But he lets her calm herself as well as she can, lets her tell him to take her truck -- lets her stroke his cheek, tell him to stay. He only pulls her in closer, hand at the back of her head to guide it to his chest, after she quiets. His heart hammers behind his ribs, something he can't control, but he forces his breathing slow and even when he hides his face in her hair again. "I'll wake you when I go. I promised you that I'd never leave without telling you goodbye." It's a hard word to say, goodbye. That quiet night in the hammock that felt so long ago now. "Adore you, sunshine. I adore you." Lips press to her forehead in a lingering kiss. "You can sleep a little," even though he knew she probably wouldn't. He didn't think he was going to either. "I'll still be here when you wake up."
There's nothing left to see. It's easier to be gathered against him because she's on the losing end of holding it together. The pace of her heart matches his, a dull ache with every thump even if the rest of her is quiet and still. "A man of yer word." When he spoke of his promise. Unfortunately, she had lulled herself into a sense of false comfort thinking that no longer applied to them. That there would be no long goodbyes. He spoke of sleep just as she had, but it wouldn't come easily. The only way she would succumb is if it took her as she thought it might. Instead she returned to brushing her fingers against his neck, taking in his warmth and committing this to memory as well as she could. No amount of mental preparation was able to soften the blow of this, not that she figured it would. But she held tightly to one thought, the reason for all of this and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was right. The hope that Ben would be reunited with Adam.