The quiet little grunts and coos are a regular background noise in the Sullivan household now -- sometimes not as front and center, melded with music or conversation (or sometimes members of the zoo yipping and yapping), but this late morning, they're about all Ben notices. Belle and Cash are napping in the sunroom with Jackie, Dolly is becoming more cat-elusive as she grows out of being a kitten -- and while Shadow is, as usual, shadowing Ben, he's silent, unobtrusive, watching Ben and Lily from a spot under Lily's crib.
"You really are perfect, Lily lamb." Lily is on her back on a blanket on the floor, and Ben lies nearby, on his side, holding his finger above her from time to time for her to grab onto. Every time she does, he smiles. "Mama and I love you so much. Before I even met you, I loved you." He wiggles his finger a little in Lily's tiny grip; she grunts a quiet displeasure, tries to pull his hand down closer. Ben stifles a laugh, but can't stop the smile. These days, they come so easy. "There were a lot of nights I stayed up talking to you while Mama slept." He lowers his hand like she wants, but sits up at the same time. "Do you remember that? I told you you were perfect already, and we couldn't wait to meet you -- and now here you are, weeble." Lily watches the movement of Ben sitting up, and once he has, her blue eyed gaze settles on his face. She hasn't smiled at him yet, but Ben knows it'll come soon.
"I can't wait to get to know you as you grow up, Lily." Still seated on the floor, Ben lifts her up to cradle her in his arms, one fingertip gently tracing over her cheeks, her chin, her tiny nose. Her eyes try to track it, but she gives up, focusing up on Ben's face again instead. "I mean, we already sort of met you -- or a version of you -- but it isn't you. And I can't wait to do all those daddy-daughter things with you, right? Dances and dreams, darling. Trying to make sure no one ever hurts you -- being there to comfort you when your heart gets broken. Helping you do whatever you want to do. You can be anything, Lily lamb. Anything." Ben knows she can't understand him, but she watches him with rapt attention. Ben is quiet a moment -- uncommon for him while Lily is awake; he's almost always talking to her, about nothing, about everything.
After that moment, he sighs, gets carefully to his feet, shifting Lily in his arms to hold her with her head pillowed on his shoulder, one hand on the back of her head. "You need to know, Lily," and he starts an idle circuit around the room with her, voice quieter -- melancholy, a little, something he hasn't been around her, maybe ever. "You need to know that it won't always be easy, having me as a daddy. It might hurt. It might be scary. You might miss me, sometimes. Sometimes..." Trailing off, he presses a kiss to her forehead. "Sometimes you might hate me, Lily lamb. You might." There's a sudden drop in his stomach, a tug in his chest, when, unbidden, he thinks about Adam -- the resentment he knows must be there, deep down, that his son hides for his sake. There's a little shake in his voice when he goes on, but it doesn't make the declaration any less heartfelt, any less fierce. "You just remember that I love you, Lily. No matter what happens, no matter who I become. I love you with everything I have." Her eyes are open, still watching his face, and she fidgets a little, babbling some soft nonsense back.
"Yeah, weeble," just as soft in response, and he shifts his hold on her to hug her a little more closely, "it's true. No matter what, Mama and I will always love you." More cooing from Lily, and this time, Ben smiles. "You want to go find Mama? Daddy wants to. One month ago, she did something amazing, and Daddy wants to remind her just how amazing she is. You want to help?" He leans Lily back enough so he can see her face; she looks into his eyes, waves a tiny little hand. Laughing, Ben pulls her in again to kiss her cheek. "Yeah, you're the amazing thing, princess. How'd you know?" It isn't quite a laugh, but Ben swears the babble Lily responds with is a little more enthusiastic this time around, and that's enough.
