Topic: Livin' Faster Than My Angels Can Fly

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2012-11-28 12:01 EST

November 28th, 2012

I've never been one for diaries. Or I guess a journal, Ben kept makin a face when I was callin it a diary. I think I'm gettin ahead of myself. Let me try this again...

Last night Ben came over so we could unwind. We were hunkerin down, but before I could start the movie Ben got a lil fidgety an pulled this on out. It's just a simple sorta thing, blue on the outside with lined pages. Nothin' fancy. I didn't get it at first.

Ben told Chey about himself and his boys. So now I know, Harper knows, an Chey knows. I can't much talk to Harper about this stuff because she talks to Ben on a different level when it comes to it. Chey I can open up to a lot more, really tell her what's on my mind without her battin a lash. That's how it's always been for us.

But Chey ain't around this week. She's in California visitin Austin and Ben is worried cause I'm still keepin it all in despite his best efforts. So he gave me this lil book and told me I should try gettin it all off my chest, even if it ain't to another livin soul. He said he writes, about anythin and everythin. He said it helps him to get the thoughts out of his head.

So, here I am. Tryin to figure out what I've got goin on in my head...

I guess all this started because of Thursday, but came to a boil on Sunday. I wanted to talk to Ben about him tellin Chey. I was blindsided by it and wanted to know exactly what he told her and why. I guess the why I could have figured out. Thursday night, Thanksgivin, when I was in a house filled with my family, I got a pocket dial. Not from Ben, but from Harry. He was with some girl in a bathroom. Keep it classy, Harry.

It wrecked me and I had no one to talk to about it. I had to put on this goofy smile and act like I was fine. I told Ben that on Friday when he came over. I also told him to leave. That I couldn't be around him while I sorted it all out, tried to make sense of it. He hated the idea of me bein alone, but I guess he understood why I had a hard time bein round him. Maybe? He might have understood, but he didn't like it. He ended up leavin. I figure now that him tellin Chey is so I don't gotta be alone no more.

The text was short and sweet. We need to talk. I'm comin over. Well, maybe a little too short and not sweet enough. When I showed up to Ben's he hauled on into the apartment by the wrist. I should have known right there it wasn't Ben. I always get so mad at myself for not realizing when I'm looking Sam in the eye. Or that time I accidentally kissed Harry.

Ben doesn't get it, but how could he? He doesn't see them, or hear them. I don't even think I would get it if I didn't witness it for myself. They all obviously LOOK like Ben, but the way they look at me is different. The way they talk, carry themselves, the way they move, how they sound.

As Sam always does, he said the worst he could come up with. How badly I mess with Ben and how he would be better off without me. He pushed on other things, private things, things I didn't realize would get out from between Ben and I. There really are no secrets, are there? But he got me so mad I slapped him.

I have hit Ben more than I would like to ever admit. Though, it was never Ben. I've punched Harry. I've now slapped Sam. It's got the usual exhilaration that comes with violence against someone who pushes your buttons in all the wrong ways followed by the guilt of doin that to someone you care about. In short, it's messed up.

But I slapped him. And in turn he got me up against the wall by the neck. I got the bruises still. They're worse than I imagined they would be, but I cover em every mornin and touch em up all day. It's not somethin I want people seein, to get the idea that maybe Ben did that to me. It's not somethin I want Ben seein. It ain't even somethin I wanna see.

Sam, in all his glory, brought Ben back in the middle of it all with his hands still around my neck. He had kept tellin me to leave and I told him not until Ben tells me to. Was that his hope? That Ben would be so shaken that he would tell me to leave for my safety and his sanity?

Didn't work. Not gonna work. Even though sometimes it's hard to separate Ben's hands, lips, body from Harry and Sam's... them actions aren't his. He wouldn't do that to me, I can say that with confidence. Sure, he might have punched a wall afterward outta frustration, but there ain't a moment since I've known Ben that I can ever say I've worried about HIM layin a hand on me outta anger.

All that said, things ain't perfect. Like I mentioned before, it is sometimes hard distinguishin between Ben's body and Sam's or the others. I mean, they're the same so can you blame me? Ben couldn't look at me with the sort of disgust that Sam does, but it's still them blue eyes that're always lookin back at me one way or another.

We're okay though. We're gonna be okay. It's just gonna take time, a lotta work, and it's never gonna be easy. But I know deep down it's gonna be worth it.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2012-12-04 12:02 EST

December 4th, 2012

Sometimes I don't know how I should take things. should I just take the good as good and not let the worry sink itself into the back of my head, or is there somethin naive about that? I'm wonderin on this a lot today cause of some amazin news Ben told me last night.

He's been sayin everythin has been quiet since last week which is more than fantastic. well, what else is good bout it is that it has made Ben confident enough to say that he wants to come to Christmas at my Mama an Daddy's house!

This is somethin I've thought a lot about, wantin it to happen, but I figured it wasn't gonna be possible for years. I was willin to wait that out, take it lil by lil. But here it is with Ben sayin he wants to give it a try.

I was excited, easily. But now I'm worryin that maybe I should have held back a lil? What if between now and then somethin happens with Ben where he don't exactly feel he can properly travel but he don't want to let me down? I told him he had to be careful and he agreed, I think he's smarter than that. I just don't want to put any extra pressure on him.

But it's so hard cause I'm so damn giddy! He said I get to tell Mama. I'm waitin until after work to make that phone call cause I know Mama is gonna keep me on the phone for a long while. I haven't really told her about Ben yet. I might have mentioned a guy in passin, but I didn't get too far into details.

It ain't like I don't wanna talk bout Ben. I want my Mama and Daddy to know about him. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm proud to have Ben as my man. He's a good guy, treats me right, an most of all he makes me happy.

But it's a lil rough tellin yer Mama an Daddy bout yer boyfriend when you KNOW the first thing outta their mouths is gonna been "when's he comin' to supper?". I didn't want to dance around that and make it seem like he didn't want to come when he would if he could. And now here's hopin he can!

I'm a tangle inside, really. I go back an forth between bein over the moon excited and gettin filled with all sorts of dread. What if somethin goes wrong and it's because of Ben tryin to come to Christmas? I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

But Ben always says he has to do SOMETHIN. And this is somethin, ain't it? I can't hold him back and coddle him. He ain't that sorta man. And I just keep tellin myself throughout all of this that it ain't gonna be easy, but it's gonna be worth it. It's a good mantra to go by I think. Cause if this works out? Well, it's gonna be a good Christmas.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2012-12-27 15:08 EST

December 25th, 2012

I can't believe it's all come an gone. This is somethin I've been holding my breath over since the beginning of December and now here I am, Christmas night tucked in bed in my Mama's house just waitin' to head back to RhyDin tomorrow. I always say that it ain't goin to be easy, but it's goin to be worth it. I don't know what wise man said that, but I think it's one of my favorite lines ever. That's how I feel about this trip here an now.

The last time I wrote I was an equal amount of giddy an worried about Ben travelin with his condition an all. The closer we got to Christmas? The worse I got. I should have been writin it down, maybe tryin to get it all off my chest, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't put all them fears to paper and shine light on em. I know that's now how a journal is supposed to work, but what can I say? It wasn't goin to happen. I didn't even want to mention my fears to Ben. They came up maybe once or twice, he felt the same way, too. But we knew we couldn't focus on that fear. We had to try to stay positive and think of how good it would be when he made it on over to Georgia.

Imagine us when we're drivin along to the portal. I couldn't even go straight through it. I had to stop the truck, but I didn't have a thing I could say to Ben. He was just as quiet. What do you say in a situation like that? I still have no idea. We just held hands in silence for a long time. Maybe tryin to will each other to know what we were thinkin, how much we cared. The words were so close to comin out, but I didn't want to say them like that. Not as a last ditch sorta thing, a possible parting gift? I dunno. It wasn't right. I mean, he has to know. Maybe?

I'm gettin off topic. Anyway, we sat there for a long while until finally it was a moment of truth sort of thing. We had come so far so it was time. Said one last prayer of many from the last month and we went through. Once we were on the other side? That was it. It was no different than when Chey is with me or anything like that. He was right there sittin as perfect as he had been before. Well, we celebrated.

Anyway, once that was done the next hurdle was Ben meetin Mama and Daddy. I wasn't as worried about that as I was about the portal, to be honest. At the end of the day Ben is a good man who treats me right. I don't see how any parents would be upset about their daughter findin someone like that.

Okay, yeeeeah, maybe the age thing sort of got em at first because I didn't mention it over the phone. I mean, I told Mama he was a head detective back home in Vancouver. I don't think dipsh*t boys my age can pull theirs heads outta their a*ses long enough to manage that one.

It was a lil... tensiony at first. To put it lightly. But Ben an I did what we do best. We were us. We acted like we always do an maybe it put Mama an Daddy at ease. Moreso Mama, but that's just how Daddy is.

A lot of people pause about Ben and I. We ain't stupid. We know there's an age difference. It's not like we totally ignore it or anything like that. But it doesn't bother us. I care about him an he cares about me. We bring out the good in each other like people are supposed to when they're together. If it bothers other people for some reason? Well, they ain't the ones that gotta be round us all the time so they can pretty much shove it.

I'm gettin sidetracked again. We hung round Mama and Daddy for a long while then I decided to show Ben around the infamous Thomaston since he's heard so much bout it from me an everyone else. I wanted to show him all the fun spots I had memories about. He pointed out a lot of them consisted of me either hittin someone or me gettin hauled off to jail for a lil spell. I guess that's my idea of fun? It wasn't really intentional.

After all that I took him down to the fields way behind where Mister Herren lives. He's by far got my favorite stretch of land for stargazin and he never much bothers anyone for steppin foot on his land. Not one of them men that chase off trespassers with shotgun shells of rock salt, y'know? I had managed to grab every extra blanket in the house. It was cold as hell but it was worth it to curl up in the back of the truck and look up at the sky with Ben like that in Thomaston. It was a lil somethin I didn't realize would be so important to me until it was happenin.

Christmas Eve went off without a hitch. Rhett and Ford showed up. Things around the house eased up here an there. Somethin like that. Christmas Day the only hiccup was that Ben was surprised as hell bout goin to church. He didn't realize that was part of the deal. I know he's not a fan, but he didn't put up a fight over it. I don't think he disliked it as much as he thought he would. When it was time to sing I would lean over to share my bible with him and I could even hear him singin along to the hymns. It was nice. He didn't seem that upset about it afterward. The rest of the day went as smooth as any sorta family event would go. But I ain't really worried bout all that.

I'm waitin for Ben to show up. He's been sleepin' on the couch these last couple nights, but I have this feelin he's gonna come find me tonight. I mean... Ben traveled through that portal. Somethin' he didn't think he was gonna be able to do for the last five months. Hell, he tried it once and it ended in a mess. Yet here he is without a scratch on him. And I know I'm important to him or he wouldn't be sittin' here the last few days doin' the Christmas thing, smilin and laughin like this is exactly where he wants to be. But I ain't dumb.

Adam is out there an it would be pretty foolish of me to think that Ben is gonna be comin home with me to RhyDin. And I know I ain't gettin between that. I know I only met Adam once, but he's a good kid. Hell, any kid deserves to have his Daddy round him. Ben never made the decision to leave, it was made for him. Now it's gonna be his decision to go back. I know that's what's happenin. He ain't said a word to me about it, but I know it in my bones.

I guess that's the hardest part? Not knowing when he's gonna come back to RhyDin. It's sad, I can't lie. He's been a constant that I look forward to, but I ain't selfish enough to get between a boy an his Daddy. I've enjoyed the last few days with Ben more than I can explain, but Ben is gonna do right by Adam and that's the end of it. I don't know what that means for me an Ben in the future, but that's what needs to happen now.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-01-06 23:56 EST

December 28th, 2012

Readin over my last entry compared to where everything is now, so much has happened. I never would have expected it to go down like it did. I don't think it was BEST case scenario by a long shot. But I think I like how things are right now.

Ben left the day after Christmas like we knew he was. Took my truck to the airport an hopped a plane to Vancouver to go see Adam. He had to. I hitched a ride to the airport later in the day to grab my truck then I was headin back out to RhyDin. All I was lookin forward to was some quiet an sulkin. I got a heads up text from Ben sayin he made it, but nothin other than that.

Well, an hour or so later I get a call from Adam of all people. Ben gave Adam my number to call me in case of an emergency. He was havin a huge emergency an couldn't get hold of Ben. Adam, with all his damn determination, took it upon himself to try hitch hikin to see his Daddy. I'm assumin he was goin to Georgia? Maybe he thought he was there with me?

I tried to call and text Ben so many times I lost count. Finally, I had Adam tell me where he was... PORTLAND... and I turned round to head back to the airport. Flying. Again. Second time flyin and I hated it as much as the first. I lucked into there being a seat available, first class of all things. Tryin to offer me steamy towels. I just wanted to sit and stare ahead. Quietly remind myself why in the hell I was doin this.

When I got to Portland it was through the sheer grace of God that I managed to find the truck stop Adam was stranded at and he was okay. Someone was lookin out over him while he was there. He was quiet, he's always sorta quiet, but I think he was shook. Who wouldn't be? Hitchin was how I ended up in RhyDin. Brand new place, no idea where I was, alone. And I wasn't even twelve!

We made our way back to the airport an I continued tryin to get in touch with Ben. What was I supposed to do now? Was I supposed to take Adam back to Vancouver? It seemed sorta cruel to take him back to somewhere he was tryin so hard to get away from.

Maybe that wasn't right of me for Ella, but I've seen a few of the letters from Adam to Ben. It wasn't good. Actually, towards the end he stopped showin em to me. I know they hurt him and I think he knew they hurt me, too. Even if Adam ain't mine, I had only met him that one time, he's a good kid an he deserves good things.

Without bein able to get in touch with Ben I made the decision to bring Adam back to Georgia... then to RhyDin. We couldn't get a flight until the next morning. Adam and I stayed the night in the airport. It wasn't so bad. It was interestin to watch all the people comin and goin. Adam and I talked a lil, but I think he was too worried about bein in trouble with his Dad. Or he jus wasn't really that comfortable with me. Though, he did tucker out some point leanin against me. I don't think I remember sleepin. Maybe I faded out at some points, but I tried like hell to stay awake. I wanted to make sure he was okay.

Flyin for the third time was no better but I didn't let Adam know that. He didn't need to know that. We were as quiet as ever. I think he knew I was havin' a hard time gettin in touch with Ben and maybe he was as worried as I was. Maybe he was worried like me about what Ben would say when he found out Adam wasn't in Vancouver. Honestly, I was gonna be happy to get yelled at over my decision if it meant Ben was okay.

We landed in Georgia. Rode out to RhyDin bright an early. Adam slept the entire way there, through the portal. That was probably for the best because I didn't know how the hell I was gonna explain that. At my house Adam hung out in the livin room while I continued tryin to get in touch with Ben.

FINALLY. FINALLY he picked up the phone. I was expectin him to be in Vancouver. I figured he was back home havin a fit over Adam bein missin, him and Ella tryin to find him. Figured he was so focused on the task at hand he wasn't gonna answer. Nope, he was in RhyDin. Made it to his place in all of nine minutes.

He was so angry at first. Sad, depressed really. I can't blame him. Also drunk. The boys are back in town. He was steadily becomin infuriated because I kept telling him it would be okay and to pull himself together. I didn't want Adam to see him so broken like that. He was practically growlin, but so be it. I didn't want to jus come out an spill it. I barely knew how to. It was easier to jus show him that Adam was there an safe.

It was real nice them seein each other again. I don't think either of them was expectin it for a long while. Well, maybe Adam more than Ben. I think Adam is smarter than all us combined, really. After that I stayed jus long enough for Ben to sober up to make sure he was in order to watch after Adam.

Tomorrow I'm set on leavin em to have a day to themselves. It's been months since they seen each other and they need that time alone. It doesn't mean I want to see Ben any less or that I don't want to be around Adam. I guess now that Adam is here it's jus tryin to find some sort of balance. Ben still has to get in touch with Ella and tell her that Adam is safe. Who knows what she's going to say about him staying here. Her and I... we only met once and she sort of called me a whore. An slammed the door in my face.

Somethin about her has to be reasonable, right?

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-01-07 23:35 EST

January 1st, 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR! And holy cow, it's already been crazy as hell. A good sorta crazy though. Ben, Adam, and I have been spendin a lot of time together which is how it should be. But Saturday I got invited over for breakfast. It's sorta weird havin to be invited over to Ben's considerin for the last number of weeks he was either stayin at my place or I was stayin at his just about every night.

It's not me complain though. I understand why. I'm reeeally aware of myself in front of Adam. Or I try to be. Sometimes I'll slip a lil cuss in front of him (no F-bombs yet!). Other than that Ben an I aren't handsy with each other and I try to not butt in between em. That's Adam's place now. I'm just a guest. Plus side? He don't seem to have much problem with me bein around.

Anyway, breakfast had been really good. I brought over my DVD player and some vampire movies for Adam to watch. Horror flicks! Kid is okay with me! While Adam was settin' up the DVD player Ben and I managed to talk outside while he was smokin.

SIDENOTE: Really, smokin doesn't bother me. I'm around it enough at the bar that it doesn't faze me. Hell, I've been known to turn into a bit of a social smoker when I'm drinkin. But it's odd to see Ben smokin because that's always been a thing that Harry does. I even went outta my way to steal cigarettes from Harry so Ben didn't feel the wrath of em. Then he picks up the habit. It's just... interestin. Somethin to get used to. For a while at least. He's tryin to quit again now that Adam is here, but I think he smokes when he's stressed and well... Adam is here.

That's the thing. It's not that Ben ain't happy Adam's around. I KNOW he's happy as hell to have his boy with him. But he was a lil spastic at first. I managed to talk him down some even if I knew where he was comin from. It really is overwhelmin. But it's been a while now and they're both doin okay. All three of us are doin alright. I keep tellin Ben I don't want to be in the way and everytime he's assuring me I'm not.

We had breakfast Saturday, we went sleddin the next day cause I figured everyone could use some time outdoors where you weren't really expected to talk a lot. Just run round an act Canadian. And on New Year's Eve we celebrated together. I don't think I could have imagined a better way to ring in the New Year.

Adam was a lil more hyper than he usually is which was nice to see. The mix of the late night and a horror movie marathon. Ben even drank champagne with me. He said it was a special occasion. I didn't focus on it much then, but it was nice to know he felt he could have somethin in moderation. He's such an all or nothin guy that it's a good thing for him to learn to do somethin lil by lil.

I think I liked the fact that it didn't seem like any of us had to think too hard on it, spendin the evenin together. When we hang out, I think we have fun. I try to not step on toes, not get between them, but they do a real nice job of makin me feel welcome between em. But I don't think they have to put much thought into it either. I think we all sorta click and it's a really good thing.

It's somethin I'm really thankful for in 2013 and I'm lookin' forward to more moments like that in the upcomin year.

OH! I almost forgot! A lil after midnight Ben also gave me the next charm for my bracelet. A plane. It's for the time I flew to Portland to get Adam and he told me how thankful he was. It was really sweet. I love lookin' at my bracelet now and then, thinkin on all the memories it represents. We have so many good memories already danglin round on my wrist. I don't know what I'm gonna do when it's full!

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-01-08 00:17 EST

January 5th, 2013

I've had a thought building in my head for a while now. It was a big thought, something about the future, and I figured that was where it was best to leave it. Something to deal with down the road between Ben and I. No need to rush it.

But Adam comin to RhyDin made us realize we can't really do that. We never talked about Ben, Adam, and I functioning together because we figured we had years before it would happen. Same thing with Ben comin to Christmas in Georgia. Never talked about it much until a few weeks leadin up because we thought it was a long ways off.

I'm now in the figurin that you shouldn't leave everything off until the last minute. Does it mean it has to happen right NOW? NO. Not at all, good Lord. But you gotta sorta make sure you're on the same page with each other or else you're in a world of trouble. Thankfully, we haven't had an issue like that, but I wasn't so sure about this one.

Last night I went over to Ben's apartment because Adam was at a friend's house. It should have been a quiet, romantic evenin but I promptly shot that to hell sayin I needed to talk to Ben about somethin. I'm sure he's gettin to hate them words from me.

Long story short, without gettin into the gory details, I asked Ben if he had only wanted to have one child in his life. Adam. I asked it, not because I'm lookin to get myself knocked up right now, HELL NO. But if he only wanted the one kid he had, there was gonna be a problem. I do want kids down the line. I couldn't blame him for only wantin the one, but it didn't mean I would give up somethin I wanted.

We did talk it out. We were both really upfront about what we wanted, which was nice. It was a lil weird yet sweet, not that squishy, but nice to know exactly where we both stood in the matter. He said he would be willin to have more if the situation was right, if the situation was with me. An I said I wanted that sorta situation, too.

I always feel like I'm gushin over Ben, but I can't help it. He's got so many good qualities and he treats me right. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to break out of what I'm comfortable with and to experience new things.

Hell, that was the whole point of leavin Thomaston to begin with. If I wanted to be a tender all my life, hitched to some roughneck with a bunch of babies, I could have done that. Hell, I could have done that easily. But that wasn't the life I wanted. I wanted to get away from everyone back home who knew me and had ideas about me before they even talked to me. I wanted to get away from my family always treatin me like I'm a baby who don't know what I'm doin with my life.

Have I made mistakes? Hell yeah I have. Tons of em and plenty more to follow. But they're my mistakes and they're all gonna be my triumphs too. Every single one of em.

And I'm not so blonde or stupid that I'm not fully aware of the issues that Ben has. Him and his boys. I don't think of the future by sayin, well, maybe by then they'll be gone. He said they went away for years before. A lil after Adam was born.

I don't plan on those days comin back. I'm lookin at Ben with his boys included when I tell him that he means the world to me. They're not his fault. They came about because Ben was in a bad home with a bad family and that was the only way he could cope as a lil boy with such horrific things.

Yeah, I was big on him gettin better before, in whatever sense of the word. He needed to get better to get back to Adam. That was important to him. Now that Adam is here? His sights can realign and whatever he decides I'll support him on it and try to help him in whatever way I can. I always feel a lil lost talkin about his boys, but Ben tells me I do good. Real good. So that's enough for me. Maybe I should look into readin up more on this sorta stuff? Ben used to do research all the time on it. I wonder if they have books for people dealin with other people with these sortsa things going on.

Whatever the case, I'm sure of this. Ben is not defective. And more importantly, he's not contagious or somethin'. The issues that Ben has, I don't for a second believe will get passed along to our kids. The issues came about because of outside problems. He wasn't born like that. They made him that way. And I know he's a damn good father and will be an amazin father to my kids if the time comes because I believe he will go out of his way to make sure whatever kids we might have will have a good childhood an a lovin home. The things he didn't have.

Ben takes the bad things that happened to him and he somehow has managed to use them to help mold him into a good man. A lot of other people would use it as an excuse to be lowlifes, but he uses it as a reason to be better. And that is just one of the many reasons why I love him.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-01-08 00:56 EST

January 7th, 2013

My Sunday habits always include goin to church. It doesn't matter what sorta hell I raise on Saturday, Sunday morning you can bet my butt is gonna be in a pew. That's how we were raised growin up and it's not a habit I'm lookin to break. I like going to church. I like the people, feelin like I belong somewhere, and a lil extra insight to start off my week.

Ben... does not have a relationship like that with church. It wasn't somethin he was raised on and considerin the hand he has been dealt throughout his life? I can't say I totally blame him for bein a lil glass half empty bout it all.

We've had discussions before about forgiveness and what someone has to do to be forgiven by the Lord. He didn't much like that idea. That someone can say they're sorry and still get past them pearly gates. I told him it was a lil more complicated than that, but I didn't dig too deep on his situation. We have skirted it a lot, but it's not somethin we go to town talkin about. Them boys came round so he didn't have to remember. Why am I gonna pick as a scab that ain't healed?

When we were talkin about it I shifted the conversation some. Instead of focusing on forgiving someone for their benefit, sometimes it's a matter of doin it for your own sanity. Sometimes forgiveness isn't saying "what you did was okay". It's saying "I'm going to be the bigger man between us." Sometimes it's saying... I won't think about you ever again. Forgiveness lightens the load. Guilt is what weighs people down, lingers in the back of their brains for a lifetime.

Well, Ben said he and Adam wanted to come to church with me to see what it was all about. Adam liked it a lot. He went to the youth group and met even more kids. And from what I hear he didn't even toss much of a fit when it came to getting dressed. That's a miracle in itself.

Ben on the other hand... I asked him today what he thought of it all and he said he's still processing. He doesn't want this to become a band-aid or something he can use as an easy fix for his problems. That God has a plan and it means he doesn't have to try anymore.

I understand where he's comin from and I couldn't give him much more insight right now. He still needs time to take it all in and he needs to be the one coming to conclusions on it. My beliefs and his beliefs don't see eye to eye, so maybe I'm not the best one for him to work it out with. I'm not good at bein neutral all the time. Maybe after a few more visits, because he did agree to go again, there could be someone he could talk to. I know he talks to a therapist about his boys, but I think the other answers he's tryin to get might need to be asked of someone else.

I'm trying to not meddle! I will not meddle. I will assist, but not meddle!

After church Ben had more places to look at for him an Adam. They both need their space. This is especially true because I guess Adam was coppin a bit of an attitude Saturday. So much so that Ben had to flee leaving Adam in Hayley's care for a few hours while he found sanctuary at the bar and then my house.

To help out on Sunday I planned a day for Adam and I. That way Ben could go off freely to look at places while I kept Adam out of his hair and content. It actually turned out to be a really good day if I may say so myself!

First, I dragged his butt outside to make a snow fort. He wasn't feelin it at first. At all. But I didn't care and I was chuggin along makin a wall. I was pointin out where I was going to put my reclining seat with a cup holder. After a while he started comin out of his shell more and before we knew it we had ourselves a nice lil place.

He wasn't bothered by the cold (FRICKIN CANADIANS), but I was. That's why I was prepared with indoor activities as well. We spread out Legos all over Ben's livin room and were practically buildin the entire city of Gotham. It as impressive! That and hot chocolate made for some perfect bondin time between Adam and I. He still shrugs at me a lot, but at least he tends to follow the shrugs up with more verbal answers.

It's somethin to keep workin at, but I'm confident somethin good will come of it all.

I hope Ben feels the same way about what he's workin on.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-01-26 23:07 EST

January 12th, 2013

Yesterday was another one of those days when Ben sprung an event on me. I thought fancy people were supposed to be more on top of things, but I suppose since he's so new to the scene that they don't think of invitin him until late? Yeah, he's part of the scene, I guess? It's an interestin one for sure.

I didn't have anythin in my closet fittin the bill, didn't have to be a gown but sure as hell was more than my Sunday best. All that matters is I managed and I got one of them goofy looks out of Ben when it seems like he forgets how to make words for a lil while. I like them looks.

This party was different from Lydia's, I could pick that out the moment we got there. People were younger than last time, so that was nice, I think. Maybe not so many younger guys, but there were girls round my age tossed into the mix. I'm not sure if that made me more or less nervous.

I mean, at least I didn't stick out as badly as I did at Lydia's, people wonderin' what the hell I was doin there. But on the other hand, the girls that were at this party? They all jus fit in so well. They click. That is where they belong. I felt like a fish outta water.

Ben never seems to feel like that. He's so smooth with these people. Knows the right things to say, what to do, how to act. I somehow managed to fake my way through Lydia's party because I figured it was a once in a lifetime deal. Here, I was more quiet than anything. Worried I was gonna say the wrong thing. But it's like Ben belongs with these people, too. Wasn't expectin that by a long shot.

We met this one couple at our table and talked to them throughout most of the night. Richard an Claudia. Richard is a few years older than Ben from what I figured. Claudia seems to only be a few years older than me, too. Richard seemed nice enough. Really into business. Whatever him an Ben were goin on about went over my head. Claudia was nursin an entire bottle of wine to herself. My kinda girl.

Really, aside from me being quiet and THAT bein such a weird feelin, the night went along fine. Dinner, dancin, the usual. Right, listen to me. The usual. Like there's anythin usual about me bein there.

On the plus side, today is much more my level. Ben an Adam are movin into their new house. It's a real nice lil place, Ben did such a good job findin it for them. Thankfully, they ain't got a lot of stuff to move there. After we work our butts off we're going to be eatin pizza while sittin on the floor. Now THAT is my sorta party.

I ain't bein mean though. I really am proud of Ben. Proud that he's in a position where he can do these sorts of things. Get a house. Be invited to things by clients who like his work and want to show him off a little.

But sometimes I think back to when I first met him. When he was stayin in that attic, not really havin much of his own. I feel like Ben has changed a lot since then. He's done a lot of growin. Maybe I have, too. But... what's he growin towards these days? And I guess my big question is, am I gonna be able to keep up?

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-01-26 23:52 EST

January 16th, 2013

The last few days have been amazingly calm. Am I supposed to worry about the calm? Part of me wonders if it's supposed to make me nervous while I anxiously wait for the other boot to drop. But that's no way to live, is it? I would rather enjoy the peace as it comes. Revel in it an hang onto it when I need these reminders of how good things can be. Maybe that's the balance, enjoying it all without getting so lost as to think the hard days aren't on their way eventually.

The last three days I've spent the evenings over at Ben and Adam's house. I mean, I don't stay the night. But I stay there until it's time for everyone to start turnin in for bed. That's been an interestin adjustment with Adam's arrival. Havin to go home at night, stayin in my own bed by myself. I was spoiled before, I'm aware.

A lot of time with Ben an Adam is just tryin to help Adam adjust. To RhyDin, to his new home, makin sure he's adjustin to school and with his friends. And makin sure he's takin me an his Dad bein together okay. I think he likes me. He never seems to have a problem with me bein around and we had fun gangin up on Ben in Uno Monday when we had a game night.

It's just a balancin act I never had to deal with before. I never dated anyone that had a kid. But I told Ben that if Adam was a deal breaker I never would have texted him in the first place. I like Adam and I'm real happy he's around now. I just want him to feel the same way about me. I never much imagined somethin like that would have ever been important to me, but it is.

Tuesday I picked Adam up from school, took him to his place, and made dinner. That's been somethin we've been doin if Ben is runnin late at work. It's... weird. Not a bad sort of weird. It's just one of them things that make you go HUH. Pickin a kid up from school, havin dinner on the table. It ain't bad?

Tonight was my pole dancin class and it was by far my favorite yet! I left there without a mark on me! I kept tellin Ben I wasn't goin to show him anythin I've been learnin until I left class without a bunch of bruises or whatever. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of him. But now that I did it? Well, looks like I got some plannin to do.

After class Ben wanted me to stop by so he could tell me some news and give me a present. He gave me minimal hints but I was able to figure out that the present was a new charm. I love gettin charms! Ben always puts so much thought into what he's goin to get me and they're always for the best moments. This time around it was a lil silver heart because we both said I love you to each other. I think it might be my favorite, but I have so many it's hard to pick!

Then was the big news an, holy hell, this is huge! Ben and I have been musin on the idea of goin on vacation. It was somethin to text on while we were both bogged down with work and wanted to think happy thoughts. Thinkin about us on a sunny tropical beach managed to chase my winter blues away.

The downside was that Ben an I have been so busy lately that we could barely do more than dream on it. We had no idea where the hell we could go, somewhere Ben could actually travel to, and somewhere that fit the bill of what we were lookin for.

Well, someone was smilin down on us because Ben got around to callin that Richard guy from the Winston party and come to find out Richard is goin to let us use his vacation home? I have no idea! Ben was actin like it was all part of bein wooed for business. I get stoked when someone gives me a twenty as a tip! But I ain't lookin a gift horse in the mouth. It was really nice of Richard an all he asked for in return was Ben an I to have dinner with him an Claudia when we get back. It sounds too good to be true. I'm so happy I can't even get nervous about havin dinner alone with them... yet.

Ben and I will be leavin on Sunday an gone for about a week or so. We're goin to be flyin on a private plane. I still hate flyin and I don't know if a private plane is goin to make me more relaxed or more nervous. At least I'll have Ben with me this time around and he can distract me.

I think this will be good for us. A little time away for jus Ben an I. Nothin to worry about. Nothin to think about aside from whether we want to swim at the beach or in the pool and what we want to eat and drink. It doesn't hurt at all that I get to live in bikinis throughout majority of the trip!

Honestly, I'm slackin on searchin through my summer clothes to write this entry. I should probably get back to it.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-01-27 00:57 EST

January 20th, 2013

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. Ben and I leave early tomorrow mornin for our vacation. The place is called Fantome Island. I'm not even sure what to expect, but I'm excited. I feel sorta like when I was a kid and it was the night before the first day of school. When you're buzzin with energy and you can't sleep no matter how much you're willin yourself to.

Ben isn't havin an issue. And that's a big deal! Ben is here stayin the night. Oh my gosh! WELL, see? Now I'm failin hard because I got myself excited and I know I really won't be able to sleep until I jot this down. I'll just run through it all real quick.

Friday night Ben an I had a date. Dinner an dancin. It's sorta really cute he likes takin me dancing. Usually when guys would take me dancin it was to a honky tonk. Nope! This is honest to God like, I don't even know what you call it. But it's close, personal, cheek to cheek, an I love it. After dancin we went to Ben's house.

Y'see, Hayley has been watchin Adam like a trooper. Actually, I think she really likes it cause come to find out Ben buys her booze and pays her really well everytime she does. Considerin she was previously worried about missin out on her waitress tips and now I never hear a word about it, I guess she's doin okay.

But anyway, Hayley watched Adam at our house on Friday. Between Chey, Hayley, an I we had one guest bedroom left so I passed it on over to Adam. I told him that he could do whatever he wanted to it and he was really excited. I figured it would be good for him to have a spot of his own there. That way when Hayley watches him here it's like he's at a home away from home.

So since Hayley and Adam were at my house Ben and I could stay the night at his house. I missed that a lot, sleepin in bed with him at night. I mean it, the actual sleepin part. It's so nice fallin asleep to him an wakin up to him. When we did wake up we had... pancakes. REALLY good pancakes.

It was over breakfast, actual breakfast, when we decided that we should have a really good last evenin in RhyDin, all three of us. An we would have it at my house to make the transition a lil easier for Adam when it came to Ben leavin for the week an him bein with Hayley stayin at our house since it would be easier for all parties involved.

So, tonight we had an amazin dinner all three of us made together. We watched the hockey game. Even had cake! Then everyone turned in and the best part is that there wasn't any flack about it. Ben made sure Adam was okay in his room, told him that if he needed him he would be right down the hall in my room. Adam didn't even bat a lash. We won't be makin a regular habit outta this for Adam's sake, we like to watch ourselves around him and not get too touchy feely or over the top. But it's really good to know that when push comes to shove he doesn't seem all that fazed by his Daddy an me bein together.

But that brings me back to now. Ben is in bed fast asleep. I thought maybe gettin some of my thoughts out would help me a lil. It's all a good sorta excitement. I don't think I have anything to worry about this week. I would like to think I don't. It should be a lot of relaxin on the beach. At least that's what I'm hopin for.

Ugh, it really is late. I don't even think I'm makin sense anymore. Time to go stare at the clock an hope I pass out before we're supposed to wake up!

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-01-27 17:55 EST

January 27th, 2013

I had brought my journal along with me on vacation in case there was anything to write about, but not a single thing came up. The week was so peaceful an fun! It was just Ben and I. An I really mean that, just Ben and I. As far as I know he didn't have a single incident of losin time, not a one. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised since a lot of it is stress based and there was nothin to stress him out. Aside from me wakin him up too early for his tastes now an then cause I wanted him to play on the beach with me.

That's all majority of it was. Drinkin fruity drinks (I got so good at makin em), buildin sandcastles, layin out on hammocks, layin out in the sand, watchin the sunrise from the front porch, watchin the sunset from the water. There wasn't a single soul round aside from us an it was perfect.

The only time that we ventured to the mainland was on Friday. It's called Kahili Bay. All Ben had to do was call someone up... okay, yeah, I forgot. There were a couple of these people, so I guess the 'not a single soul' thing was wrong. There was this real nice woman who would bring groceries and prepared meals when we wanted. SPOILED! I guess it makes sense for Richard to have some staff on hand? Anyway, Ben called someone and they showed up with a pretty, sleek black car to drive us off the Island about an hour or so away.

Kahili Bay was such a sight! So many restaurants, shops, cafes, and people. Apparently this is where they were all hidin! Ben kept talkin about me goin shoppin in Kahili for some dresses an shoes to stick in my closet so the next time an event comes up I'll be more prepared. That was fine an made a lot of sense to me. Considerin what the place was like I figured findin some fancy dresses and shoes would be a cake walk.

But what I wasn't expecting... Well, at the very first place I found a real nice blue party dress. Fit like a charm, sexy without bein too over the top. Ring me up! At the register I was pullin out my wallet and Ben literally like, what is that sound people make? It was like tskin and he gave the cashier his card. I knew he wanted me to go shoppin. Was NOT expectin him to pay for it.

I bit my tongue until we got out the door because I didn't want to cause a scene or nothin. Told him he shouldn't have done that. Didn't have to. That I could pay for myself. He didn't seem all that bothered by my huffin, more amused than anything, but he said it was what he wanted to do from the beginning. That I was gettin the dresses to go places with him so it only seemed fair he pay. And that he wanted to gift them to me. I tried to put up a fight, but it was one of them times when Ben really wasn't havin it. For the most part he'll take in what I got to say, we'll compromise on stuff, but nope. This was just the way it was going to be.

I was sorta uncomfortable goin into the next store, but Ben helped to ease my worries and to make it a lot more fun. I figured he was going to be bored all throughout shoppin, but he didn't seem to mind so much. In the end I ended up with three party dresses, three pairs of heels, and one gown. I'm barely even sure how much it set Ben back because nothin had tags and they don't really announce your total to you like they do at the gas station. I guess if you gotta ask you can't afford it?

I'm still sorta torn about all of that. It didn't bother Ben. He wasn't even battin a lash. He would just smile at me, kiss my temple, an carry on. I guess I should just move on as well so I don't come off as a brat sourin a gift.

After shoppin we went out to dinner an more dancin. Ben is a good dancer! We stayed late in the city and made the most of our last night when we got back to Fantome Island. Saturday mornin I was split down the middle. Part of me wanted to stay on that lil island forever. But another part of me really was homesick. I missed everyone and I know Ben was really missin Adam. We got our things together and that pretty black car took us to the airport to leave. Flyin is no where close to bein my favorite way to travel, but I will say that it's a lot better when I get to do it with Ben. That helped me a lot.

Once we got back in RhyDin we hit up my house to get Adam. He was so excited to see Ben and he was all in one piece. Hayley did a really good job! Ben, Adam, and I went back to their place so we could catch some dinner together. Before I left I told Hayley to get herself dolled up and prepped to go out for the evenin. Ben might have been payin her for her services, but I needed to thank her too. And there is no better thank you than a legit Jackie bar crawl.

After dinner I went home, got Hayley, and we hoofed our way around town for an amazin lost night. This mornin I asked Hayley if she was interested in goin to church with Ben, Adam, and I. She groaned and marveled at how chipper I was after the night we had. Girl should know by now that I'm a professional! But I set her up with some hangover tonic and Tylenol an let her sleep. She earned it. The Lord would understand.

Now I'm jus hangin out at home. Procrastinatin while I unpack and adjust to bein back in the real world. I have to say, I was sort of nervous with Ben an I comin back. It felt so good to go an entire week without him losin any time. It reminded me of December when his boys went into hidin for a while. But I know I can't grip onto them quiet times so hard. I can't expect that to be a constant thing. It's a gift when it happens, but it's not somethin to ever count on.

Ben is how he is and that's how it's goin to be. Me bein with him is me acceptin that. I guess I feel sorta guilty when I get so happy over his quiet times. It's like part of me wants him to be... well, I can't say normal. Ben is normal. But not wantin his boys to be around is like me wantin to change him and that isn't right. You should never want to change the person you're with.

I mean, Ben would never want to change me. Right?

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-02-07 22:17 EST

February 7th, 2013

I know full well I should have written about this around the time it happened. I guess I was just more interested in forgettin about it. But the way to get up and move on is to get this stuff out so it's not simmerin in the back of my head like this is.

Found myself a new friend, Peaches. She's nice as hell, fun, real good time! Straight off the bat her, another girl Jane, and myself decide to go to the strip club. A girl strip club! Not a boy strip club! No thank you!

Anyway, before the strip club I guess Peaches went to the Inn? Somewhere that she bumped into Ben. Except it WASN'T BEN. Goddamn Harry was out and about leavin his mark on the town and along the way he runs into Peaches. Peaches knows Ben, knows he's with me, we all met each other together.

So this poor girl is hangin round me all night thinkin my boyfriend I'm gushin over hit on her somethin fierce. Knowing Harry? I'm sure it was gross and over the top and ended with an indecent proposal.

After the club Peaches and I ended up at the Inn again and I had called up Ben tellin him to stop by to hang out for a while. Peaches was gettin all sorts of twitchy until she finally came loose with it all. Worse for her was that Ben told HER that they would talk about it later instead of me and I just said it was done and to not talk about it at all. She probably thought we were nuts. Oh, no, she thought we were SWINGERS. Ben said next time we should just go along with that. That's the bad part. Knowin that there might be a next time that we have to prep for.

The next day Peaches and I caught up at a cafe. I told her it was a huge misunderstandin, that Ben didn't mean no harm by it and he was sorry and that it was a bad joke neither of them were seein eye to eye on. Amazingly enough it worked.

I feel horrible. Peaches is a girl I could see myself gettin along with real well, we had a lot of fun at the club. More importantly, that's a person you want backin you! Someone who is gonna tell you the truth no matter what! That's what she did. And how do I repay it? Lyin. Like always.

But I'm not mad at anyone in the situation. I can't be mad at Ben, it's not his fault he ended up there and it certainly wasn't him talkin to Peaches. I of course ain't mad at her. Really, she was a good friend in this. It's a no win situation. Havin to get really used to those lately. Not a fan!

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-03-07 23:51 EST

March 7th, 2013

I knew I had nothin to worry about. Or I should have known I had nothin to worry about. Okay, so maybe I sort of let what Claudia said to me at dinner get into my head much more than it should have. What does she know anyway? She and I are nothing alike. Even more importantly is that Ben and Richard aren?t really anything alike, right?

When Ben and Richard went off to talk business it was only Claudia an I, sippin martinis an chattin away. I can?t even remember all the nonsense she said to me. I was numb through most of it, taken aback and knowin I couldn?t just haul off and hit her or tell her to go to hell like I would with anyone else runnin their mouths because it probably wouldn?t end well for business between Ben an Richard. And once again, that?s why it managed to bother me so much!

She was callin me a beginner. I didn?t get it at first for the life of me the way she was going on. She kept sayin how I did so well for myself for jus startin off and what a catch Ben was. I kept pressin her until it became clear what she was talking about. She considers Ben a man with money, power, makin connections, makin a name for himself. She pointed out how well he fits in. How he?s not fakin it when it comes to bein part of this lifestyle. She said that?s Ben, through an through.

When it came to me she said I was just startin out amongst this circle, it was obvious but with time she felt like I could do good. She was sayin that bein in love wasn?t enough for a relationship to last around this crowd. How she was wife number four and even though her an Richard care about each other there?s something more to it than that. Again she was sayin how Ben doesn?t have to fake it to make it in this circle like I do. Apparently I?m not as good of an actress as I thought.

I?ve been havin issues with all this since it started. It was funny the first time at the gala. It felt like bein somewhere forbidden. Playin dress-up in your Mama?s clothes an minglin with the adults past your bedtime. I didn?t take it seriously at all the first time we went to one of these parties. But then I realized they were gonna become a thing. That we were going to them more often. I started seein the same people over and over again. I don?t know their names, they don?t know mine, but I know their faces and sometimes we?ll smile in passing because it seems that?s what you do. You might not totally fit in but you?re THERE and that means SOMETHIN. They don?t know how you got behind the red velvet but you did so you?re in on it all.

I?ve been havin these doubts, worries that this is the sort of person Ben wants me to be. He fits in so easily with it all an he acts like I should be able to do the same thing so easily. JUST BE YOURSELF. That?s what he?s always tellin me when we?re in the car getting ready to go in. JUST BE YOURSELF. But what in the hell does that mean? I don?t feel like I can be myself around those people, not the sort of girl that tends bars and loses weekends at a time. So I put on this little facade. Heels, dress, hair. I smile on cue, I laugh when I?m supposed to, I compliment everyone, and say just enough. And afterward Ben is so happy, he says ?See? You did so good, sweetheart. I'm so proud of you?

But all I did well was pretend to be someone I don?t think I am. I don?t think that?s the real me. Is that what he wants? Is that what I?m supposed to be doin? I already had all these doubts and Claudia somehow picked them all out when we were alone, all the insecurities I have she pinpointed and brought to the surface! I got flustered real bad. I ended up snappin at her. I told her that Ben was hiring Richard, he was an employee, that in turn made her nothing more than a wife of an employee and I didn?t have to listen to her speak another word. She made us each another martini and we sat in silence. I was disgusted in myself. I still am.

But that brings me to today and Ben. He woke up sick and I went over there to make sure he had everythin he needed. Went back after work to cook, help Adam with his homework, make sure both of them were alright before I went home. Seein Ben like that, adorable even though he was a lil helpless. So thankful for everythin I was doin. Sort of proud that I was able to step up and make things run smoothly. Happy even if he felt horrible. That?s the Ben I fell in love with, that guy right there. And he is there. He?s not goin anywhere.

I did good today, too. I?m not that person, right? I?m not that mean girl that makes people cry with an icy cold smile. That?s something Claudia can do and be proud of but that?s not me. It?s not a path I want to go down. I thought I was, I thought Ben was goin down a path, too. But I think we?re gonna be okay. If we just keep on with what we had today, even if it wasn?t perfect, I think we?ll be alright.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-03-09 13:10 EST

March 9th, 2013

And just like that the ever talented Jackie Lee Daniels manages to bring her entire world to a crashing explosion of crap. I remember it all as a blur. I mean, I wasn't drunk or out of it or nothin, I really just don't want to remember everythin I said.

I should have talked to Ben about all of it weeks ago. He wouldn't have told me to shut up or nothin if I could have been calm about it, explained how I felt, told him what was wrong. He talks things out with me all the time. I tell him that he needs to! That it's good for him. And then I'm here bottlin everything up.

But last night it all came out wrong. I snapped. I said horrible things. Everythin was comin out in the worst way and I couldn't do anythin to stop it. I was so mad about it all last night I don't think I wanted to stop it. I thought that maybe if I got it out I would stop hurtin over it, but instead I hurt Ben and now we're both miserable.

Well, I dunno how he is. He was livid with me last night. Couldn't even stay, he had to leave. He said it was because of his head, the boys, but I think he couldn't even stand to be around me because I was bein vile. I don't blame him. I didn't much want to be around me either after he left.

Hayley came home last night a while after Ben left. She knew somethin was up. Not only because Ben came home way too early, paid her for the full night, and gave her a bottle of liquor instead of answering 'why are you home so early?'. But then she came home to me layin on the couch with a full cold meal still put out on the dinner table because I didn't have it in me to clean it up. She still doesn't know all the details but she's not stupid.

Today I haven't felt like gettin out of bed. Hayley keeps threatening that she's not gonna let me sit around mopin the day away. She said I get the afternoon and after that she's gonna raise hell if I don't join the real world.

We'll see about that.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-04-06 21:06 EST

March 14, 2013

It was a horrible weekend and that's puttin it lightly. Ben and I didn't speak to one another at all. Even when we broke up ages ago after I came back from Canada we still kept in touch. This was no contact whatsoever and it was torture. I deserved it, but it didn't make it any easier.

I was scared to get in touch with him, to have to admit how wrong I was and what a mess I had made even if I knew it was true. The straw that broke the camel's back was when Adam called me on Monday. He was wondering why we didn't go to church, or have our game night, and he figured it out that Ben and I were fightin.

He wondered if it was because Ben refused to help me pack. YEP, if I had asked him to help me pack and he said no because Ben did the same to Adam when they moved from the apartment to the house. I told him I didn't understand and he asked me if it was about Ben askin me to move in.

I didn't think I could feel like more of an a*s than I already did, but I managed. Ben had said he had two surprises for me on Saturday. I'd bet money that was one of them in addition to a charm for my bracelet. My timing couldn't have been worse if I had tried.

The next day I went to apologize to Ben at his office. Not because I was mad I messed up him askin me to move in and I wanted to make that better. But because Adam made me realize that Ben was plannin' on doin' this while I was worried he was tryin to change me. It wasn't a matter of me becomin someone else first, bein somethin he wanted me to be or anythin like that. He was gonna ask me that day, as I was. I shouldn't have thought so poorly of him.

I told him I was sorry, I was wrong, told him how I felt about the parties and all that. He was worried I didn't want to be with him anymore and I wanted to call him dumb. I don't know how he could even think I would know how to live my life without him anymore. I love him so much and I can't imagine not havin him or Adam or the future we're workin on together.

I don't know if he'll plan on askin me to move in anytime soon since I don't much deserve it after what I did. Thankfully we got a redo on our date (we're good at those) comin up on Saturday and I'm really lookin forward to it no matter what does or doesn't come up.

I try to handle things with Ben as well as I can and for the most part he tells me how good I do. This time I made a massive mistake. I refuse to dwell on it though. I'm gonna pick myself up, dust myself off, and learn like hell from it so I don't stumble like this again.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-04-23 00:29 EST

March 30, 2013

That Saturday back when we got into the fight we were gonna have a date night at my place. Dinner, movie, makin? out, the usual. Then everything exploded. So, we tried it again the following Saturday. Dinner, movie, surprises. Big surprises actually and we never made it to the movie.

First, Ben asked me to move in with him. I never in a million years would have predicted that an? at the same time it made all sorts of sense and felt like it was right. I told him yes, of course. He said that Adam approved of the new living arrangements before he even asked me. That?s something that made me really happy and excited, the fact that Adam is so okay with me bein with his Daddy.

I never dated anyone with a kid before and when it came to Adam I was worried he might think I was tryin to get in the way of him and Ben. Especially after them spendin all that time apart and how unfair it was that I got to have Ben round with me in RhyDin while Adam was in Canada. But no, he doesn?t feel that way. He thinks I?m good with his Daddy and he likes havin me around and that means the world to me.

I don?t want to take Ben from Adam or anything like that. I?ve wanted to look out for Adam since the first time I met him (sort of like his Daddy). Hell, I done a lot of stupid stuff in the name of Adam, what I thought was right. I don?t do it because I want Adam to like me. He could pull his mopey pre-teen act on me all he wants, shrugging up a storm and I wouldn?t stop. I do it because he?s a good kid, an he?s had it rough now and then but he deserves to be happy an surrounded people who love him an wanna take care of him while he does the dumb things kids are supposed to do. That?s how it?s supposed to be.

Ben?s second surprise was an oval locket for my charm bracelet. I was convinced it was gonna have a picture of us in it, but nope! It was empty. I thought Ben might have goofed an forgot, but then he explained it to me. He said that the locket was supposed to be for someone real important to me. Maybe someone I haven?t even met yet. Maybe someone who wasn?t born yet.

Took a while for it to click with me until I realized he was talkin bout babies. Our kids. Doesn?t that sound nice? Our kids. That locket is a promise of sorts that someday we?re gonna have kids and I?m gonna put their pictures in there. We?re gonna have ourselves a family, even more than we got now with the three of us.

Ben and I have talked about kids before. I told him I needed to know he wanted to have more kids in the future because it?s something I need to do. If we didn?t see eye to eye on that, well then, we were gonna have to step back and take another look at everythin we were doing. At the time he said yeah. If the circumstances were right, in the future, with me, he would want more kids. It was a vague idea of us agreeing, but this? This makes it that much more real. Somethin really solid and a big jump towards our future together.

This all happened a couple weeks back and since then I?ve moved all my things into Ben and Adam?s? our house. I thought it might take some getting used to, but I think it?s been a lot easier for all of us than we imagined. This is just how it?s supposed to be, the three of us together. It feels natural an like we?ve just been stubborn up until this point when we realized it.

Though, I have a theory that Ben might have been plannin on this longer than he'll let on. This master bedroom has got a mess of closet space practically made for my boots. When I told Ben it was funny how perfectly it worked out he just gave me that sorta smile he gets when he's proud of himself. The one that means his plan came together perfectly.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-04-23 01:07 EST

April 7, 2013

I was thankful for church today. I?m always thankful for it (a little less when I have a hangover), but today I was extra lookin forward to sittin in that pew as I was getting dressed. Ben and I had quite the incident yesterday and although I am workin so hard to be understanding it?s difficult now and then. It?s a situation where Ben?s nature is goin up against my nature and it?s causin a big mess.

Ben is used to hidin things, which is understandable. It?s not anyone?s business what he has goin on with him, his boys, and his situation. He can keep that to himself all he wants from people and he does. I think he can count on one hand how many people really, truly know bout him.

BUT? I AM NOT JUST ANYONE. I am his girlfriend, someone who is constantly there for him, someone who wants to help him and we have said from the beginning of this second time around that honesty was important between us. That he couldn?t hide things from me.

Well, come to find out he was hiding an entire apartment from me. A hidey hole since he moved into his house. He kept his old apartment as a place to escape to! I shouldn?t be so upset about it, I told him I understand (after a lot of yelling), but I don?t like when people pull a fast one on me. Especially not Ben.

It was through an odd series of events that I found him, alone, in that bare apartment. Well, sort of bare. The bedroom had? it was interesting. I can?t even begin to describe it. Notes upon notes of bits an pieces of what he could remember and probably a lot more that he couldn?t. I was livid when I found him. So mad that he felt the need to hide from me, hide it all from me.

But he started to explain that it was his space to figure things out, his things, and it?s not somethin he wanted anyone to see in his office at work or at home. He said he didn?t want me to see, but he doesn?t really get that luxury anymore. If I?m in this, it?s all the way and I don?t get to have blinders on to all the bad stuff.

That?s where he and I conflict. He wants to hide everything and I?ll be damned if I?m not a digger. I get wind of a problem and I want to help solve it. I want to fix it. I want to make it better. Especially if it?s about someone I love. The problem is that I need Ben to be honest with me and he needs me to realize that I can?t simply fix him. It?s something I understand and I can say aloud but it?s hard to follow through with at times. I want to help, that?s all. I want to help.

But that?s why he has his boys. They are what?s supposed to help him. Me pickin and trying to get him to remember the rough times isn?t the way to go about it. The last thing he needs is me rippin off the band-aids holdin his past at bay.

That?s the thing though, the reason he?s been hidin out so much lately. He said he?s been seein his step-father. I?m still not clear if it was a ghost or a hallucination or what? it?s hard to tell and even moreso in RhyDin with all the weird things constantly happenin here.

But it?s been goin on for weeks which explains why he?s been so ragged. He said this, whatever it was, his step-father was talkin about wantin his forgiveness. Which, honestly? F*ck that guy. I won?t ever say that to Ben?s face but I hope his step-dad is burnin in a special corner of hell.

I push the idea of forgiveness towards Ben, probably more than I should, but it?s not for the wellbeing of that sorry SOB step-father of his. It?s for Ben?s sake so his step-father doesn?t do even more damage on him than he already has. I wish Ben understood that. I think he?s starting to, but it?ll take time. And it?s a delicate thing and something I can?t keep nagging him about. He needs to reach that on his own.

He had told me he felt it was his fault his step-father died. It was a heavy thing and? I?m still tryin to process it. But my initial reaction is, well, it?s not very nice. It?s mostly who cares? Another thing I should keep to myself. I?m not hiding things! But some things are just cruel and need to be kept behind locked lips because they won?t do any good bein let out of their cage

At the end of it all yesterday? we didn?t really reach any sort of resolution to Ben?s problems. Mostly because there isn?t goin to be one for us to figure out in a few hours. This is going to take a lot of time and it?s never going to be perfect.

What we did manage to agree on was that he was going to be more honest with me. Even if it was hard and horrible, he has to tell me these things. On the other hand, I need to know when to help and when to back off a bit. I also have to tell Ben if it all becomes too much for me, but I made him promise he can?t get rid of me in some act of heroism to save me from his problems. He?s stuck with me. So, we?re okay now, between the pair of us. But there are a lot of questions left unanswered and more comin up every passin day.

Ben works really hard to try to understand his boys, why they?re here and what they do. Majority of the time I want to tell myself they?re nothing more than nuisances that get in the way of me havin Ben around. But I?m realizing they do a lot more than that and without them around he might not be the Ben I know. It still doesn?t make it all that easy to accept, but maybe it?s possible? I mean, I survived a night on the town with Harry and it wasn?t the worst thing that ever happened. He had these odd moments where? he wasn?t as dumb as I always peg him to be. He?s just another guy, in an odd situation, doin his best with what he?s got.

Dear Lord, I think I?m feeling sympathetic towards Ben?s boys. Sunday miracles everywhere.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-04-26 00:27 EST

April 25, 2013

Just because I haven?t been writing anything doesn?t mean I haven?t been busy as hell. Really, I haven?t had much time to pause let alone put a pen in my hand and write everythin down that?s been going on. But it?s important, especially right now. After this weekend everything is going to be different and I want to remember this moment and how I feel. This is the sort of thing you look back on from years down the road and it makes your insides light up.

It was on April 9th when Ben proposed to me. YES, he proposed. Called my Daddy beforehand for his blessin, got down on one knee, the whole damn deal. I never would have seen it coming, he was so casual about it. Wanted to sit out on the porch and watch the sunset after he got home. It was funny because I was sittin there with him thinkin ?Wow, I could get used to this. This is something I want to keep doin over and over again as long as I can.? Us just relaxin, enjoyin ourselves.

At first he gave me a charm for my bracelet, a little silver diamond ring. I couldn?t figure out what memory it was for then he said ?This one.? Got down on one knee holding a little black velvet box, opening it up with a ring sittin inside. I said yes, of course and he slid the ring on my finger. The ring, I try to be so modest about it because I don?t want to come off as a brat or something to anyone, but the ring is INSANE. Everyone points out it?s big and it makes me blush, but the best part of it is that it looks like a rose. It?s the prettiest thing you?ll ever see, unlike anything else, and it gets to sit on my finger for life.

Off the bat Ben asked me when I wanted to get married. I said one week. Ha! I figured he was goin to toss a fit like he does. Instead? He only bumped it up to two weeks. I don?t know if he was trying to pull my leg back or what, but it sounded like such a good idea and I wanted it so bad that I agreed. It wasn?t until the next day that I was in a panic tryin to figure out how I was going to plan a wedding in two weeks.

The very first issue I had was the location. First thing to figure out! First problem! I wanted to get married in Georgia but Ben has that whole? can?t leave RhyDin thing. Him and I were tryin to talk it out (mostly he was telling me no) and wouldn?t you know it, Sam showed up. Said it wasn?t Ben?s decision, it was his, that I needed to talk to him.

I don?t know how I managed, but I told him to have a seat so we could talk it out all civil like. We were smarta*ses to each other, we always are, but? well, like I said before, they?re just tryin to do what they?re supposed to do. They are here for a reason. They serve a purpose. And as surprising as it is, Sam?s purpose consists of more than making my life a living hell. He?s supposed to protect Ben and the others. Well, I try to protect Ben, too. So, I guess that puts us on the same team, doesn?t it?

Anyway, after some smooth talkin on my part, I managed to talk a wedding in Georgia and a two week honeymoon on Earth for us. Don?t ask me how! Maybe Sam somehow meant for it to be a trick or, I don?t even want to think about it, but we got it.

The downside is that he started gabbing about it, saying every time Ben left RhyDin he ran the risk of having something go wrong. I haven?t told Ben yet. He has to know already, right? To a point? So it?s not like I?m withholdin information from him or lying, right? Guh, I just don?t want to bring something so heavy around when we?re so close to one of the happiest days of our lives. Maybe we can discuss it on the honeymoon? So romantic, I know. But it?ll come up. I swear? eventually.

Anyway, I have been spendin majority of my days wedding planning. I was absolutely saved because after my conversation with Sam, Ben told me he wanted to hire a wedding planning for me to work with. I?m pretty sure he thought I was going to tell him no, but I?m not a lunatic. I knew I was in over my head and Samantha, the wedding planner, has been an absolute savior! She has been traveling between here and Georgia for us, making sure everything is in order over there. Having everything we purchase in RhyDin sent over, just doing everything I wouldn?t have been able to do without a constant stream of caffeine, whiskey, and sobbing. She?s a wedding superhero!

My other savior has been Peaches. She has been such a good friend to me since we first met and I wanted her by my side for all of this. Her and I have been spending so much time together, talking out our problems with one another, distracting each other when need be. She?s my best friend in RhyDin and I was so excited when she said yes after I asked her to be my maid of honor. I?m pretty sure as nervous as Ben felt askin me to marry him, that?s how I felt askin her. I rattled it out, probably should have gotten down on one knee.

The super fun of the last two weeks is that Ben, the sweet man that he is, decided it would be best and most romantic of us to refrain from? AHEM? until our weddin night on our honeymoon. He said to call him a romantic. In my cellphone I changed his name to Detective Bad Ideas. He?s holdin out strong on me though! So, of course, I respected his decision and have been on my best behavior. Hahahaha! NO. I have made his life hell and used this fancy new phone to send dirty pictures to him whenever I have a chance. Man has got himself a chastity belt of steel and won?t give in, but at least I?m havin a good time being a snot. It got so bad (Apparently I squirm too much when I sleep? ? Against him.) that he kicked me out of the house and had me staying with Hayley for part of this week.

But that brings us to TONIGHT. I?m home. With Ben. In bed. He?s going over the itinerary for our honeymoon, which he won?t share with me because it?s a surprise, and I?m being good and staying on my side of the bed. I have to behave or else he said he?ll toss me out onto the porch. I don?t think he?s kidding.

Tomorrow morning we leave for Georgia. Going to see Mama and Daddy bright and early then they?re going to watch Adam so Ben and I can go to the venue to make sure everything is in order along with Samantha. I?m a bundle of nerves. No cold feet, not even close. I?m just worried about everything going okay and the weather and all the things that are sort of out of my control. But this? Ben and I being together? Him, Adam, and myself being a family? This is meant to be. Corny, but true.

I know I was married before. I have that sexy title of divorcee I earned at the age of twenty-two to remind me. But what I had before, that wasn?t anything close to this. That was an impulse. That was a girl drunk on freedom who took it too far. That was a mistake, plain and simple. But I wouldn?t change a single thing in my life because whatever mistakes I made along the way, they brought me right here to this moment and being so close to vowing myself over to the man I love. Nothin about the road that got me here is wrong.

The next time I write in this journal, since more than likely I won?t have time before this all happens Saturday, I will be Mrs. Jackie Lee Sullivan. And along with a new name comes a whole new chapter of my life. I can?t wait!

See you on the other side.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-05-17 00:19 EST

May 11, 2013

MRS. JACKIE LEE SULLIVAN! I?m officially a married woman and I couldn?t be happier. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and the best part of it all was that we were surrounded by so many friends and family members. It?s all I really wanted and I got it and I?m completely blessed. Even some of the folks from Vancouver came which was wonderful because I was so happy that Ben had people there for him. I mean, everyone is there for him, my Mama an Daddy love him and everyone else does, too. But I really wanted the people he knew from Canada to be there.

Hell, even Ella was there which was? interesting, to say the least on it? which is probably for the best. The last time I saw her she was callin me a whore and slammin a door in my face. Oh, but then she gave me Ben?s files, divorce papers, and threatened him before sending me on my way! Bless her heart. But I was well behaved and didn?t say a lick. Not on such a happy day. Besides, that?s still Adam?s Mama and I?m not lookin to tread on that. It is what it is. She?ll always be part of our lives because of Adam, but other than that everything else is just a thing of the past.

Onto much better things, Ben surprised me with all the honeymoon planning and I didn?t even get a hint beforehand. We ended up with one week in France and the next week in Italy. It was the most fantastic thing I had ever experienced. Previously I had never left Georgia until I came to RhyDin. Then I never left the US until I went to Vancouver that one time? the time Ella called me a whore, you remember! Now I?ve done it the right way, with Ben, somewhere completely enchantin.

There were so many beautiful things to see, so much stuff to do. At night sittin by the fire drinkin wine in Provence. Waking up to breakfast on the terrace in Florence with the most breathtaking view. It was magical. It sounds so silly, but it really felt magical and like time was standin still for us while we were away. I wouldn?t have changed a thing and nothing could have made it better. Maybe the only thing Ben would have changed is not having his naps interrupted, but I had a hard time adjusting my internal clock and sleeping when I was so excited all the time. Besides, it?s a honeymoon! Somethin about a rock on your finger suddenly makes you frisky as hell, or so says me.

We?re home now, got in last night. We spent some time at the Inn. Why not? It was where we first met. It?s pretty fittin for our first outing as man and wife to be at there as well. We weren?t out for long though. I am so tired I can?t even put it into words. Ben keeps tellin me it?s the jetlag but I don?t remember it even bein this bad when we landed in Provence. But it was a very busy two weeks so I suppose it makes sense.

All I know is I got the rest of the weekend to relax and get settled then it?s back to work on Monday. I don?t wanna go! I love the Busted Knuckle but it?s so nice being able to relax at home. WhineWhineWhine. Do you see the mood my jetlag has me in? I just can?t bring myself to get up but I gotta. Lunch for the boy isn?t gonna make itself.

Making lunch for my husband and my step-son. How can something so simple and silly make me so happy? It?s wonderful.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-05-17 01:00 EST

May 16, 2013

I feel like the lowest human being ever.

I feel like I?m the dumbest person alive.

I feel like I?m completely helpless and weak.

I feel like I giggled too much when he was being gross in the bar.

I feel like if I would have told him ?no? sooner it wouldn?t have gone that far.

I feel like if I had done anything differently, just one thing that delayed me for a few more minutes or if I actually did what I was supposed to do from the start and worked my entire shift, that none of this would have happened.

I?m thankful that Ben, Sam, whoever managed to stop Lonnie before it got really out of hand but I still feel horrible and looking back it shouldn?t have started to begin with. I could have done so many things differently but instead I was dumb as hell. Waiting in the dark for my ride. Letting him make as many comments as he did all night. Not breaking his hand when he smacked my a*s. I should have been able to handle all of that on my own.

But when it had gone too far and we were outside, I couldn?t. I actually couldn?t. I was useless and couldn?t even handle one drunk. So, what? I lost my Jackie edge? I?m goin soft? I?m just some frail lil thing that needs defending? That?s how I feel. And I made all the wrong decisions. I was practically askin for it. I don?t know. I?ve been sorta numb since then but I think that?s for the best.

Billie did come over last night though. Peaches asked me to show her a good night and I did. It was hard. Not that I don?t love Billie, I adore her, she?s so great. But it was so tiring to have to put on this act like I was perfectly fine. I didn?t want to unload anything onto her considering she?s already helping Peaches so much. She didn?t need that.

Ben left when Billie was over, went to his apartment for a while, I think. He?s been trying to help, I know it. I feel worse because I can?t get better for him. It?s only been a day or so, whatever, I know. I know it?ll take time. But I want to be able to flip a switch and just be happy for him and carefree and okay. But the best thing Ben has done is that I know he doesn?t want me to force it or fake it. The best part about Ben is that I don?t have to pretend for him. I can be broken and he just keeps on sittin with me through it.

He stayed home from work with me the last two days and it was what I needed. I needed him here. I think part of him is upset that Sam is the one who beat Lonnie?s face in, but it doesn?t matter. I hugged Sam afterward in a fit of emotion and it was? it was really horrible. But then in the car Ben hugged me, awkwardly across the gear shift, and that was what I wanted and needed. I don?t care who did what, I just want my Ben with me now.

He was talking about going back to work tomorrow so I will be alone while Adam is as school because Ben suggested I take the rest of the week off work. Sam on the other hand told me I could never go back to the Busted Knuckle again. I don?t know how that is going to go, but looking at only tomorrow and being alone I?m already dreading it. Though, it?s not like I can make Ben stay home with me forever. So, it?ll be me and my thoughts together for hours.

I don?t feel like me.

Jackie Sullivan · Date: 2013-06-27 23:34 EST

May 18, 2013

I know there are a lot of people who would say otherwise, but I would like to think I?m a rational person. Suuure, maybe when I was younger I had a habit of flyin off the handle. Okay, maybe I sometimes still have that sort of habit, but it?s never without a damn good reason. At least that?s the way I look at it. I think I?ve matured over the last few years and especially the couple I?ve spent in RhyDin when I got to stretch my own two legs and walk my own path.

But for some reason there is nothin in my mind that is able to be rational when it comes to Ella, Ben?s ex-wife. Every time she comes up in conversation I want to spit and hiss and I don?t know why.

I mean, of course I know why, it?s Ben?s ex-wife but that really shouldn?t mean anything. I got married and divorced (as short lived as that was). I?ve been with other people. Hell, I think Ben has said that he and Ella have been involved longer than I?ve been alive. And? there are so many reasons why I should not be up in arms about this.

They were together, got married, had a son, and over time things didn?t work. They had issues before Ben even got dropped in RhyDin but that certainly didn?t help. In the end it?s done and over, Ben and Ella are no more. Except? that?s Adam?s Mama so she?ll always be part of the picture and after all these years Ben couldn?t just up and stop talkin? to her anyway. There?s a lot of history there.

Is that what tweaks that lil knob in my brain that makes word vomit pour out of my mouth about Ella? History? Is that what makes me lose it? Doesn?t seem fair considerin we all got a past. It?s not like Ben could just sit there holding his breath waiting around to be drop into some alternate universe where he could meet me. That doesn?t make sense.

Maybe that?s part of it, the fact that Ben and I being together is seriously a one in a million shot. Ben and Ella grew up together; they were always around each other, them being together made sense. They came from similar backgrounds, helped each other through stuff the best they could. People would look at that and say ?yes, that?s how it?s supposed to be.?

On the other hand, I mysteriously got dumped into RhyDin. Ben got dumped into RhyDin. Our backgrounds are completely different (oh, except we both ran with cops. I was just on the other side of the bars now and then). I know there is an age difference that people love pointing out whether they mean ill about it or not. Ben and I, maybe on the outside, don?t make a lot of sense at all. But I?ll be damned if anyone ever tell me that we don?t work well together. We are supposed to be together and no one can ever tell me different. I love him and he loves me and that?s the end of it, no matter how much crap we go through.

But if I?m so confident in all this then WHY can?t I stand the idea of Ella? I have no idea. I don?t know. I can try to sort it out in my head all I want but then I get mad and huffy and I want to focus on something else. I don?t want to think about Ella. I don?t want anything to do with Ella. I don?t think I like Ella.

But Ella is never going away. I should be much more understanding and accepting, but I don?t know if my ill will towards her is ever going to go away either. What I do know is that Ben isn?t going to put up with another round of sh*t like I pulled last night. That?s for damn sure.

Topic: Livin' Faster Than My Angels Can Fly

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan

Jackie Sullivan