Topic: March 8th - 12th: Crazy Girl

Jackie Sullivan

Date: 2013-03-18 23:21 EST
Friday, March 8th, 2013 -- early evening

Ben's been going over it in his head, on and off, all day -- longer than that, really. Even as worn out as he'd been yesterday from feeling sick, he hadn't slept great during the day. It wasn't until he talked to Adam that evening about Jackie moving in with the two of them that he'd really even been able to sleep well at all, but even then, even though he was certain that this was the right thing to do, he still couldn't get it out of his head.

It wasn't like there were a whole lot of ways to say it, either. I want you to move in with me is pretty straightforward. All the same, he plays the scene over and over, how he'd say it, what she'd answer, until finally, Hayley gets to his house and he's free to go to Jackie's. He makes it there in what's probably record time, and he wastes no time in trotting from the driveway where he'd parked his beater to the front door of Jackie's house. He'd changed out of his work clothes, into something more casual, and belatedly, just as he's about to knock, he realizes that maybe he should have kept the suit and tie on instead of jeans and a hoodie -- but whatever, no going back now (and it seems sort of unfair, thinking that he should distract her with a tie so he gets a more favorable answer), so he knocks twice, shoves his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, and rocks back on his bootheels while he waits.

Jackie had spent the last half of work pondering what secondary surprise Ben could have in store for her after his teasing via text, but as the bar got busier it was pushed from her mind. It lingered here and there while she cooked dinner, but she eventually reached the decision that it was best to simply wait for the reveal from him. First of all, because she never was able to predict his surprises. Secondly, because he enjoyed it so much when she was above and beyond dazzled by what he had in store for her. Why take that away from him by creating countless theories? It was when there was a knock at the door that her excitement returned and peaked. The thumping of barefeet could be heard beating against the hardwood floors and the door was tugged open with a flourish. "Evenin', sweetheart!"

She somehow managed to restrain herself for just long enough for him to get into the house and close the door behind him. Once that was done she was tossing herself at him in a firm hug around the shoulders. Maybe it was okay that Ben was dressed so casually because Jackie was as well. Jeans and a sweater, the logo on the front obstructed by a floral cooking apron. Apparently she was in full chef mode and the proof was in the aromas of that promised breakfast for dinner coming from the kitchen. "Perfect timin'."

No matter how anxious he'd been about this, it all melted away the second he saw her. Grinning lopsidedly, laughing, he catches her when she throws herself at him, actually goes far enough to lift her up a little, do a little half turn with her in his arms, pressing a kiss to her cheek at the same time. "Hey, sunshine. Happy to see me?" As if that wasn't obvious. He sets her back down on her feet, goes to take off his boots there in the entryway. "My timing is always perfect," with a little lift of his brows, and his smile goes a little sly, though that eases away before long. "Dinner smells great, sweets. Thanks. How'd the rest of your day go?" He unzips his coat, but he's bringing it with him into the kitchen to toss it over the back of one of the chairs there at the table. "Need help with anything?"

There was a delighted little squeal when he picked her up off her feet, a wriggle before she was set back down. Jackie had been dealing with her own doubts and worries the last few weeks, but it felt like that had all been lifted from her shoulders following yesterday. There was no tension or sign of any gray clouds lingering around her with the way she beamed up at him. "Oh, y'know, just a lil'." Hand up, fingers pinched. She waited while he removed his boots and chuckled at his reply. "Perfect timing and so modest, is there anythin' you can't do?" A good nature roll of her eyes and she was making way for the kitchen along with him.

The dining room table was already set with majority of the things she had promised in their text messages. A plate piled with pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, and a container of orange juice. They were arranged between two seats kiddy corner to one another with place settings already in front of them. "Nope, everythin' is pretty much done, that's why your timin' is so perfect. I'm just gonna make a couple pieces of toast. Y'can have a seat an' start servin' yourself." She was already in front of the toaster tucking a few pieces within the slots.

"The rest of my day was busy and cold." A grin flashed over her shoulder at him. "Thank goodness for that walk-in freezer or I wouldn't have been able to focus." Brow raise. "How was the rest of your day? Work that bag over right?" At this rate she was going to have to stand in front of the home freezer as well.

He takes a seat after she tells him there's not much left to do, and like she suggested, he starts portioning out some food for himself. He stops to shoot her another obnoxiously proud grin when she mentions that the rest of her day was cold, though -- and he knows she'll appreciate the look, since she's grinning right back at him. "Yeah, thank goodness for that. Me? Yeah, I did, and when I couldn't anymore, I went for a run. Maybe I should get a walk-in freezer at my office. You think?" He tries to keep a straight face, but he's not very successful. "I just hope you didn't cool off too much, sweetheart. I know I wasn't able to work off all the extra energy." His focus lingers on her for another few seconds, already heated, but it would be a shame to let all the food get cold, so he tears his gaze away, pours himself some orange juice. "I actually did get a call from Richard just a couple of hours ago, though. Right in the middle of my run. Are you busy tomorrow night?"

"The bag and a run. My oh my, someone had some pent up energy." She loved it, obviously, by the way her tone bounced around the words. "Nah, I like y'havin' to work it all out over the bag. I'm tellin' you, I want an invite next time along with a front row seat." When he says he hopes she didn't cool off too much she has to turn her attention back on the toaster. She could feel the warmth of a blush beneath her cheeks and it wasn't going to help the situation if he saw it. "Nope, my shift ran out before I was done. I'm sure I'll figure out some way to settle down before the night is over."

It was when he mentions Richard, that name alone is enough to make her expression go blank. She remembered the last time they were at Richard's home, dinner with him and Claudia. It didn't end well for Jackie. Not that Ben was aware of that. She couldn't control her expression enough to look at him. Instead she busied herself with buttering the two freshly popped pieces of bread and replacing them with another pair in the toaster. "Nah, I don't work. Didn't really have any plans. Why? What's goin' on?" At least she managed to keep her dread out of the question.

Jackie Sullivan

Date: 2013-03-18 23:25 EST
"Next time you're not working and I go a few rounds... consider yourself invited." Ben doesn't even need to see the blush to know why she's turning away, and it makes him smile. He loves to see her like that, trying to play coy, or at least not let on how interested she was. It was going to be a good night, he was sure. "I'm sure you will." A little more quietly, and then, because it was starting to get a little dangerous, he turns some of his attention to his food, starting in on the pancakes he'd moved to his plate. "Oh, perfect. He's having a little dinner thing at his house. Just a couple of his clients that he thinks would be good for me to meet, along with their wives. I wish it wasn't such short notice but..." He shrugs a little. "I just found out. Can I pick you up around six like last time?"

Deep breath in, slow exhale out. She could feel the unease working its way into her shoulders and back even if she was trying desperately to stay calm. She assumed that all of this got put away last night, but why would she think that? Of course there was going to be another event to go to at some point. Perhaps it was that she assumed she had more time to relax after the last run in at Richard's.

The plate of buttered toast was lifted and she made her way over to join him at the table. Slow steps so she had just a little bit longer to ponder a reply before easing into her seat. The plate was set down between her and brows furrowed. "I don't know, Ben. It's not the late notice or anythin', but maybe I can just sit this one out? You'll have Richard to talk to an' you can make friends with the other guys. I jus' don't really think I'm gonna be up to it tomorrow." A smile followed, weak but it was there. Sorta.

"Why not?" Ben's expression mirrors hers, his brows drawn together, but instead of a smile, he's frowning a little -- not disappointed, but concerned. "You're not still worried about these things, are you?" At least then he's able to smile a little, just one corner of his mouth ticking up; it's small, but it's still reassuring, nothing weak about it. "I told you, sweetheart," he reaches over if she has either of her hands free, intending to take hers in his, "you shouldn't worry. You always do fine. Just be yourself."

A handful of different reasons and excuses for not going pop into her head all at once. She was hoping to stay in and relax with a movie. She wanted to spend time with Hayley. Walking around in heels for an evening didn't sound appealing. All of them paled in comparison to the real reason she didn't want to go. The fact that the last time they had been at Richard's house Jackie outright disrespected his wife in a fit that was eyerolling to say the least. Even though he's offering that ghost of a smile she can't bring herself to return it. The grasp of his hand on hers does reassure her slightly, but just as quickly it all comes crashing down with those words that were supposed to offer encouragement.

Before she could even stop it she released a sound of dry laughter, long as loud. "Just be yourself. Ben, do y'actually think that's sound advice when y'offer it up all the time? Jus' be yourself, jus' be yourself." Her hand was pulled back from his so she could poke at the air with her forefinger and thumb pressed together, punctuating her question. "At what point durin' those parties do I look, sound, or act anythin' like myself?"

It's hard to tell what that further furrow of his brow means, if he's annoyed, hurt, or something else, but the smile disappears. "Yeah, I do think that's sound advice. That's what I do, and it works out fine." He puts down his fork, all his attention on her. "You act like yourself around me at these parties, don't you? And what about with Claudia, you must've let your guard down a little when it was one on one, right?"

Jackie's brows continue to furrow even further, mirroring him. But with the way the rest of her features are arranged there's no mystery about what she's feeling. She's shocked, trying to piece together what he told her like he said it in some sort of code. "That's actually you at those parties? One hundred percent that's you?" It doesn't seem like something she can grasp at all. "I act like myself around you when I'm whispering and no one can hear me. Other than that?" It seemed debatable yet forgotten when he brought up Claudia. She's shaking her head sharply. "Don't even bring up that woman. That was..." She can't find the words. Jackie sinks back into her chair and folds her arms over her chest. "No, I was not myself around her." That was her hope. That the rude girl who snapped at Claudia wasn't her and was only a monster who was briefly lurking in her skin never to be seen again. It gave her even more reason to not want to go. If she didn't go, that girl wouldn't have a need to be around. "I don't like goin' to those things. I can't be me. Those are not me. They might be you," The way she said, as if he should be offended by the thought that he fit in so well. "But that's not me."

"Who else would it be, Jackie? Yeah, that's me." It's a strange mix of emotion on his face now, confused and, something sort of rare for him, kind of offended. "What, is that a problem? That's my job, Jackie. That's my career. That would suck pretty bad if that wasn't me, if I had to be completely fake during that kind of stuff." He's kind of surprised to hear that she hadn't gotten along with Claudia (because Richard had mentioned that Claudia had specifically reminded him to ask Jackie this time around), but he forgets all about that when she goes on. He's not offended by the thought that he fits in so well, but he's hurt that she thinks he should be -- but that just leads to a flash of anger. "Oh, really? That's me, but not you? Can't be you? Is it working out well for you when you try not being you?"

"I understand it's part of your job an' it's important for you to go to things like that because of this sort of clientele you're dealin' with, Ben. I've never said one word about it before an' I've been there every single time by your side smilin' an' laughin' it up. But..." She's staring at him openly in disbelief. "That doesn't feel like the Ben I know. The way I act sure as hell ain't the Jackie I am." She was getting antsy. Her feet were already bouncing beneath the table until it was too much and she was rising to stand. Automatically her hands were reaching back to rip at the ties of her apron, unable to be wearing it while they talked about this. "How in the hell do you think it's workin' out for me, Ben!?" She had been trying so hard to keep her tone conversational but his rapid fire questions reminded her too much of her exchange with Claudia and it was the final question that set her off. The apron was finally pulled up and over her head, tossed aside haphazardly onto the floor. "I don't want to go to the dinner party. I hate goin'. I'm not goin'. How do you think it's workin' out?! What is the big deal anyway? You can survive one night without some pretty blonde thing on your arm with those people." Because wasn't that all she had been reduced to? Just one of the wives, girlfriends, trophies.

"Uh, apparently it's not working out for you." Yeah, he sounds sarcastic, and there's no regret in his expression afterward (even if later, replaying this, he'd regret it). He gets to his feet too, mostly just because she had. At first, he's prepared to tell her, fine, don't go, he'll just go by himself, maybe they can work out some kind of compromise for later -- but the last thing she says hits him hard, and his eyes narrow on her, his voice drops. "What did you just say? Pretty blonde thing-- what, you think that's why I'm bringing you?"

Oh, Ben had jokes? She followed it up with a wag of her finger at him. "Goddamn, you picked that up quick. That's why y'make the big bucks, Detective." It wasn't said in that usual sweet, quirky tone she reserved for that nickname in particular. She's taking a step back when he gets to his feet, she doesn't know why but she is. Maybe that distance was needed right now. When his eyes narrow on her she's once again folding her arms over her chest, standing her ground. "Why the hell else would I be there? What good am I there? I get pretty, I go, I barely say anythin' worthwhile, I smile, nod, suck up to people, and giggle like all them other girls. Then afterward you say 'I'm so proud of you, sweetheart. Oh, that was so good. Way to go. How fun.' You praise me for being an idiot, Ben! So obviously somethin' about it is jus' fine with you." Somehow she managed to ask the question without the slightest hint of jest. She was dead serious.

"Don't f*cking insult me, Jackie. Do not." She probably hadn't meant it that way -- she knows he works hard, she knows he's damn good at his job -- but all the same, it riles him up further anyway. Still, all of that pales in comparison to the rest of what she says. The end of it, right after she tells him he's praising her for being an idiot, goes a little fuzzy for him; her voice goes muffled under the sound of his heart in his ears, and a blackness threatens at his periphery. But he shakes it off -- might actually look like he's shaking his head at her; it's rapid, could pass for a response -- and manages to at least address some of it. "You're really asking me that? Why else would you be there? What good are--" He doesn't even finish the sentence; it cuts off in a harsh growl as he grabs his coat before heading out of the kitchen, to the door.

Jackie Sullivan

Date: 2013-03-18 23:28 EST
"Going to those stupid events, having to pretend like I fit in with those people when I'm don't, actin' like they don't think I'm ridiculous for bein' there, or if they do like me it's jus' because I'm not sayin' a damn thing. That's f*ckin' insultin' to me, Ben! I'm not gonna pretend to be somethin' I'm not!" He was shaking his head, was he denying it? She has at least shut up long enough to allow him his questions but he cuts himself off instead. He's grabbing his coat and heading for the door and although he can't see it her expression is briefly shocked before absolutely sinking. She's following along after him, though nothing about her posture softens. "You're leavin'?" Obviously, but she had to confirm it. It probably would have been better if her tone lightened somewhat, gave way to a little remorse for what she said, but she didn't feel any of that. She was pissed and he was going away. Of course.

"Yeah, well you know what? It's insulting to me for you to think that I would ever want you to do that!" He's already got his coat on by the time he's in the entryway, pausing there just for long enough to pull his boots on, and that doesn't take very long. "Yeah, I'm leaving. I can't..." For the first time in the conversation, he actually looks a little guilty; he makes a vague little twitch of a hand gesture next to his head. "Stay. I can't stay. And I need some space, because I am incredibly pissed at you, and I can't have this conversation now." The guilt's gone, but it's just being replaced by heat again -- the bad kind, a darker kind. Still, his hands go up in a mock-surrender before he's going into his coat pocket for his keys with one hand, his other hand reaching for the door. Doesn't take his eyes off of her, though whether it's just to see her reaction or if it's to see if she's okay with him leaving, it's hard to say.

"Just be yourself, sweetheart. And hours later after I feel like an a*shole? Oh, y'did so good." Those were the words that constantly haunted her when it came to these sorts of parties and she felt repeating them was the best way to get her point across. Perhaps it would have been better without the curl to her lip, the wrinkle of her nose, and the sarcasm in her tone. She still looks as pissed off as ever but when he's gesturing to his head, saying he can't stay, she knows she can't make him. It's not even that he doesn't want to stay here and verbally duke it out with her. He literally can't because one wrong word, one angry look too long, and she could be having a conversation with someone completely different. Someone who didn't have the same morals as Ben even if they were in the midst of a fight. "Fine, f*ckin' leave." A dismissive wave of her hand, banishing him. It was as close to a blessing as he was going to get. She understood, but it didn't mean she had to put the claws away or that it made any of it better.

Even without the sarcasm, without the bite, it would be bad. It kills him, to know that the things he said to try to encourage her, to make her feel comfortable, to help her adjust, were the very things that hurt her -- that made her feel like she needed to do the opposite of what he really wanted for her. Right now, though, it just infuriates him further, to have his own attempts at help thrown back at him like something manipulative, something distasteful and bad. "You have no f*cking idea what you're talking about, Jackie. No idea."

He'd hoped that telling her that he was leaving for both of their sakes, to cool off, to get a better handle on the situation and himself, would do some good, but it didn't -- claws were still out -- and he wasn't about to leave, injured, without fighting back. "Oh, I'm f*cking leaving." He pulls the door open, and he's partway through it when he throws back over his shoulder, "Don't want you to feel like an a*shole, having to fake it around me since I'm one of them too." It's not even possible to think that he'd accidentally slammed the door shut that hard -- there was so much force, it had to be on purpose.

There was probably- no, there was definitely a better way the entire situation could have been handled. If she didn't get angry so quickly, if she didn't let all of this build up for weeks on end, if she remained calm and told him how she felt instead of flying off the handle with accusations. There were so many things that could have been differently so the night didn't end like this even before it began, but it was too late for that now. "Whatever." One word in reply to him saying she didn't now what she was talking about. It was immature and, she would like to think, below her but it didn't seem there was much she wouldn't say right now considering how angry she was.

Eyes narrowed at his last biting comment but the door is already being slammed shut on her before she could reply. He got the last word. Well, kind of. Her final eruption of irritation came out in one word. "Jacka*s!" It was loud, at the top of her lungs, and then she fell back into silence. Staring at the door, not sure what she was waiting for. She knew he wasn't coming back. If she were him she wouldn't come back.

And he doesn't come back. He hears her yell, even through the door, and mercifully, he doesn't yell anything back. Just hunches his shoulders a little more, like that last word had been physically thrown at him, and keeps his hands jammed deep in his coat pockets until he reaches his car. He doesn't hesitate at all to get in the car and start the engine, nor to speed away. It's the first time he can ever remember actually wanting to leave her house so badly, and it's the first time he feels like he can't get away fast enough.

Jackie Sullivan

Date: 2013-03-19 00:03 EST
Monday, March 11th, 2013 -- evening

It hasn't been a good day for Ben. Hasn't been a good weekend. Yesterday, he'd sent Adam off to his friends, and then proceeded to get incredibly drunk and fall asleep to sports recaps on the couch until Adam got home. Chinese food, delivery, for dinner, and then more moping, though less alcohol, until Adam had gone to bed -- and then enough alcohol to make up for his hour or so spent sober and then some. He'd awoken to Adam shaking him awake on the couch, asking what time they had to leave for church -- and Ben wasn't sure what was more heartbreaking, that Adam looked so disappointed that they weren't going, or that he didn't even bother to ask, just went off to the study to go hide in a book for the majority of the day.

He's no better than Ella. It hits him finally, and it hits him hard, and he resolves not to drink -- not just to not use it as an escape from this problem, but to sober up completely again. Maybe moderation hadn't been the cause of this relapse, but maybe it had opened the door to it, and it's something that Ben doesn't really want to take the chance of happening again. Not after being on the receiving end of that disappointed look from his son.

He spends the day nursing his hangover. Still watches a lot of sports, because he doesn't want to leave the house, and it's mindless and consuming at the same time. Adam makes himself scarce, and Ben can't blame him. They do eat dinner together, but it's just leftovers from the day before, and they're both pretty quiet through the meal, giving the chow mein and General Tso's more attention than each other. They clean up together though, and when Ben flashes his pack of Marlboro's Adam's way, Adam just shrugs, and Ben feels like that's a pretty normal Adam reaction, so he actually lets himself enjoy two cigarettes out there on the front porch -- really enjoy them, take his time, enjoy the warming weather, the quiet sound of the drizzle as he kicks back in the porch swing. Tries not to think about Jackie. Tries to think about work instead, because his cases are easier than figuring out what's going on with the woman he loves.

Ben's barely out the door before Adam has his cheap little cell phone out of his pocket and flipped open. Unlike a lot of kids his age, he doesn't use it often -- not because Ben's restricted its use, but because he just isn't very social -- but he has Jackie's number in case of emergencies, and isn't this an emergency? Probably not, but he wants to talk to her anyway, so he finds her number in his short list of contacts and calls her.

Jackie's weekend had really been no better, no matter how hard she tried. If it had been up to her she would have crash landed in her bed Friday night after the entire ordeal and not moved an inch from that spot or talked to anyone. The guilt was eating at her, she felt miserable, and she wanted to suffer like she figured she deserved.

Unfortunately for Jackie's master plan she had a cousin who wasn't having it. Considering Hayley had seen the state of Ben when he arrived home way too early to relieve her of her babysitting duties, it wasn't difficult for her to figure out that something had gone very wrong. Since Hayley had arrived home Friday night she was dead set on not letting Jackie simply lay around and mope her days away. She gave her some time here and there, but it was Saturday night when she demanded they go out to the bar. Sunday morning Hayley insisted that a hard situation was not the time to skip going to church. Really? It was even more reason to go and Jackie did comply, though majority of it was a blur to her and she was too busy missing Ben who usually sat in the pew beside her. Later in the day Jackie had even called Peaches as she had promised in passing to her Bunny Bestie, but the conversation accomplished little because Jackie wanted to idly discuss everything but her fight with Ben. She was still too disgusted with herself to explain what happened to anyone.

Sunday rolled on into Monday and Jackie was convinced this was the longest her and Ben had gone without speaking to each other in all the time they knew one another. Even when they had broken up or she was upset about Harry's antics they didn't drag out radio silence for this long. She had really messed up.

Work went off without a hitch, mostly because she was on auto-pilot. Take an order, fill an order. Take an order, fill an order. There was none of the Jackie Daniels flair. After work she had gone home to hide away in her room again, hoping that Hayley would give her a break and let her curl up in a ball under her blankets. She had done so much this weekend even though her heart was no where close to being in it. Wasn't that enough?

It was when her phone went off on her nightstand that Jackie groaned. Had Hayley resorted to calling her from the other room? She was almost tempted to let it ring to voicemail, but it didn't take long for Jackie to realize it could be Ben calling her. With that in mind she popped out from beneath the blankets and made a made grab for her phone. A look at the caller ID and brows lifted. Adam? That was the last name she had been expecting and it probably showed when she flipped the phone open and pressed it to her ear. "Adam? Is everythin' okay?" It probably wasn't the greeting he was looking for, but her number was usually reserved for emergencies with him.

"Um..." Now that Jackie had picked up, Adam wasn't completely sure what to say to her. "I'm fine. Are you okay? You didn't come over for game night tonight, and we didn't go to church with you yesterday, and Dad won't really tell me why. Are you just busy?"

There was a drawn out pause of silence when Jackie was left blinking in the darkness of her bedroom. It felt so obvious to her now and she was an idiot for not thinking of it before. They didn't go to church together. No Monday game night, which had been a tradition since Adam's arrival in RhyDin. Of course Adam had no idea what was going on but in one weekend it was all different.

Jackie pushed herself to sit up in her bed and reached aside to flick on the bedside lamp. Her back was pressed to the headboard of her bed and it was in that time when she attempted to put her thoughts in order. Sadly, it didn't go so well. "Uhm, well, I'm alright Adam. I'm not sick or nothin'. I'm not busy... I just, ugh, your Daddy an' I are havin' a lil'... space from each other?" Would a kid understand that? Jackie had no idea what to tell Adam or if she was even supposed to be telling him anything considering Ben didn't. "I'm sorry y'all didn't come to church yesterday, Adam. And I'm sorry I ain't over for game night either." At least it was something she was positive about.

Jackie Sullivan

Date: 2013-03-19 00:03 EST
"Oh. So are you two fighting?" Are all twelve year olds this perceptive? "Is it something he did? He doesn't always mean it, when bad stuff happens." Adam had taken a seat on the couch in the living room, but he glances over his shoulder through the front window; he can still see the silhouette of his father's head, the faint off-and-on-and-off-again reddish glow from his cigarette, so he figures he can still speak freely for a while. "I was kind of wondering what was bothering him so bad." There's no judgment in his tone, no huffy teenager here -- just matter of fact, like he often tends to be about Ben, maybe tinged with some concern this time around. "Is it because you wanted help packing, but he wouldn't? He wouldn't help me pack either, when we moved here from the apartment, so I get it. I thought it was dumb too. 'Oh, if you care enough to bring it, you should care enough to pack it...'" Alright, he's a little bit irritable teenager then.

Adam was by far one of the smartest kids that Jackie knew. Not that she interacted with children often, but she highly doubted that any of them were able to pick up on things quite the way Adam did. It was nice because it was so much fun to have conversations with him, to really connect with him. At the same time it was horrible because it was so difficult to gloss over things like you usually could with a kid. "Nah, it's not somethin' he did, Adam. I did it an' I feel bad, but I think your Daddy needs a lil' space from me right now." Ben is so obviously bothered that Adam has picked it up. With a sigh she's sinking her forehead into her hand and mumbling sheepishly into the phone. "Sorry your Daddy is upset right now, Adam. I promise it'll get bette-" What he said is finally clicking into place. She had been so quick to comfort Adam, assuming he was figuring it was all Ben's fault when that wasn't the case, that it took a little while longer for his last few points to make sense. "What do y'mean help packin', Adam? I didn't ask your Daddy to help me pack up to go no where."

"Oh." Adam's quiet for a moment, because he's trying to work out for himself why they'd be fighting then. He narrows it down to a couple of things he thinks might be likely, but there's some care in his voice when he suggests them, like maybe he's afraid of being wrong, or maybe he's just not sure if he should be mentioning this to her. Maybe he shouldn't be trying to meddle in this kind of stuff. "Did you not ask him because you want to do it yourself? Or because you're not going to pack at all because you're not going to live with us?"

Live with them? For the life of her Jackie can't figure out what would give Adam the impression that Jackie was going to move in with him and Ben. Her bottom lip is maliciously captured between her teeth and she's chewing on it relentlessly while trying to put the pieces together. It's with a slow dawning that she realizes throughout this entire thing that she had forgotten Ben was coming to dinner armed with two surprises. One was going to be the usual, a charm for her bracelet, the other was something he said he couldn't give her but it was a little more serious. The lip was released and her breath escaped her, causing her deflate even more than she already was on the spot. "Did your Daddy say he was going to ask me to move in with y'all, Adam?" Maybe it wasn't right to ask Adam that. Maybe it should be reserved for a conversation alone with Ben, but curiosity got the better of her. Though, thinking about Ben did make her add on belatedly. "Where is your Daddy anyway, Adam? Does he know you called me?"

"Um..." Maybe Adam isn't sure if he's supposed to be answering that either, because he hesitates in answering, and actually answers her second set of questions first. "He's out front smoking. He doesn't know I called you, no." He pauses to chew on his own bottom lip for a couple of seconds before, finally, "Yeah, he was going to, I think. I dunno when, but he asked me on Thursday if I was okay with it, and I said I was, so..." He trails off, doubles back. "So that's not what you fought about?"

She's putting Adam in a rough spot and she can tell right away with the way he hesitates. Jackie knows she shouldn't have asked him that. Not only because it was mean of her to do to him, but now it made her feel even worse than before. She didn't think that was possible. She had absolutely ripped into Ben on the same night he was going to ask her to move in with Adam and Him. A step towards them being a family. "Well, I'm glad you were okay with it, Adam. That makes me really happy to know." It did, even if she didn't sound like it and she was too crushed at the time to really enjoy the feeling. "That's not what we fought about though. This has nothin' to do with me movin' in with y'all because if that were to happen-" She didn't know if it would now with how angry Ben was at her. "It would be really nice. I would like it a lot." Her frown deepened. She had felt bad this entire time for what she had done to Ben but not once did she think about how it affected Adam, what it was doing to him. "I'm really sorry that your Daddy has been upset because of me Adam. Maybe just give him the rest of tonight and hopefully tomorrow things will be better, okay?"

"I'd like it a lot too, if you lived with us, I think." It's more bold than Adam usually is, typically so reserved and shy, but maybe he's just that comfortable with Jackie now. "You don't have to be sorry, Jackie. It's okay. People fight." He's seen a lot of it in his short existence. "Yeah, I don't really... I dunno. I don't really try to talk to him about stuff like that too much. I think it's hard for him, or he doesn't like to, or something." He sighs a little, but it's hard to tell what the emotion behind it is; he doesn't sound upset or anything when he goes on, but maybe that's the problem -- that he's twelve, and he's too put together for a situation like this. "He'll get better sometime. I just hope you two get better too. He's really happy with you around, Jackie." Another glance back over his shoulder; there's no more cigarette-glow, so he figures his father will be coming back inside soon, and even though Ben never really gets angry with Adam, he still feels like it'll complicate things somehow, if he's 'caught' on the phone with Jackie. "He's probably gonna come back inside soon. So I guess... I should go."

It meant so much to her to hear that from Adam, even more than she had ever imagined it would. The fact that Adam would like it if she lived with them, that she wouldn't be an unwelcomed addition. The way he speaks as he carries on is uplifting because he's so mature and also a little sad because it seems Adam is used to having to step up and be the adult now and then. It's not really something Jackie wants to promote, even if it is habit for him. "I'll talk to him about it. You don't have to, okay? You an' your Daddy relax for tonight, you go to school tomorrow, an' you try to not worry yourself about it too much. Alright, darlin'? Your Daddy an' I will figure somethin' out." The finger of her free hand curls into a stray lock of blonde, tangling itself when she replies softly. "I'm really happy bein' around both of you, too, Adam." She sits quietly with that thought and how much she had messed up something that made them all so happy. For some reason Jackie glanced at her bedroom door even though she knew both Adam and Ben were at their house and not hers, that Ben would not be suddenly walking through her door. "Yeah, y'should. I don't think he would be upset but... yeah. I really appreciate you callin' to check up on me though, Adam. That was really nice of you. If you... need to talk again or somethin' you can always call me, okay?"

"Okay, Jackie. You can call me too, if you want?" It's a question, because what would she want to call him for? He even knows it's a strange offer. "I won't worry about it." He would. But he does too good of a job of acting like he won't. "G'night, Jackie. Bye." And he ends the call, just about when Ben is shutting the front door after making his way back inside. He thinks about going to the kitchen for a drink, even though he'd promised himself he wouldn't, but he detours through the living room, catches sight of Adam on the couch. He pauses for a few seconds, makes up his mind. "Movie? I know it's late, who cares. Frankenstein?" Without waiting for an answer (and it's 'sure,' besides), he sits down next to his son, queues up the movie he's already watched twice over the past three days.

"Course I will." Maybe it is a strange offer, but there was something in it considering talking to Adam had somehow managed to make Jackie feel a little less doom and gloom on the whole situation. "Goodnight, Adam." Her phone was flipped closed and pressed against her lips while she sank further into the pillows of her bed. She knew that she had messed up, there was no way around that, but talking to Adam at least made her feel a little more connected to both of them. And the fact that Ben and Adam wanted Jackie to live with them. It was one of the best things to hear at the worst time. She had managed to absolutely annihilate an evening that should have been a big deal for them. The next big step.

Her cellphone was set aside on the bedside table and the lamp was flipped off. Cast in darkness she sank further beneath her blankets and stared up at the ceiling, piecing together what had to be done tomorrow. The most obvious thing? She was going to have to swallow her pride and go talk to Ben. Would he want to hear what she had to say about the incident if she managed to be calmer, to express her feelings on all of it without yelling or being insulting? She had no idea. If nothing else she had to apologize. But would Ben want to hear it? Would he forgive her? Would things be able to mend? Those were the questions that plagued her as she laid in bed, far too awake for her own good.

Jackie Sullivan

Date: 2013-03-19 00:09 EST
Tuesday, March 12th, 2013 -- afternoon

Jackie had lost track of how long she had been sitting in her truck outside of Ben's office building. It couldn't be much later into the afternoon than it had been when she got here. It had been with a flurry of energy that she had wound up here in the first place, but once she killed the engine it seemed like all of her nerve went along with it. She knew she couldn't leave. She had to do this. She needed to march up into Ben's office, apologize, and take whatever consequences were coming her way. But it was so much easier said than done. What if he didn't even want to hear it? What if she got in the door and he told her to turn right around and leave? What if she got as far as the apology and he told her that it wasn't good enough? The worry and wonder were making her sick to her stomach and even though it was crystal clear to her that the only way to stop it would be to go handle this here and now, she dreaded the idea that going up there could make things so much worse than they already were.

It was with a few quick, unsteady breaths that she managed to shove the truck door open and practically toss herself onto the pavement. With the door slammed shut behind her she was on the move at a fast pace to get into the office building and up the stairs. It had to be like ripping a band-aid off, right? The faster you did it the less pain you felt? Something like that. Boots thumped up the steps until she was standing in front of the office door, Sullivan & Associates etched across frosted glass. A hand reached out for the doorknob, hesitating, then it was with a slow creak that it was turned and the door pushed opened. She would usually go traipsing into the office without a second thought, but now it felt as if she were walking into forbidden territory. Even though the door was already partially open she still rapped her knuckles lightly against it. Maybe too little too late, but she didn't want to completely catch him off guard. "Ben?" Her voice cracked with the word then she inhaled sharply, attempting to work some of the emotion out of her throat.

Ben's preferred way to deal with stress is to ignore whatever it is that's causing him stress, most of the time -- and so often, that means throwing himself into work. He's been at his office since early morning, and the look of the office reflects that, a few different file folders with papers not entirely contained within them, the remains of half finished Chinese takeout on the table off to one side of the room, a pillow and blanket strewn across the couch (apparently he's already taken a nap). He doesn't look up right away, even though he does hear somebody's footsteps stopping on the landing of his office, and he doesn't even glance up when the door opens partway or he hears the sound of knocking on the door. It's only when he hears her voice that he reacts at all, and that's just to go still for a moment, pausing in whatever notes he's taking, before finally tearing his attention away from the distraction of work, settling his gaze on her. He looks tired, worn down, older than he usually does. His tie is loosened, there are darker circles under his eyes, and he probably hasn't shaved since Friday morning -- since before they last saw each other. He hadn't been expecting her to come here -- he wasn't sure what he expected from her though, if he thought the radio silence would continue indefinitely, or if she'd call him or text him, or stop by his home, or what -- and it takes him a few seconds to respond to her. There's a little tic in the muscles of his jaw before he says anything, but he sounds calm enough when he breaks the quiet. "Hi, Jackie. You can come in, if you want." He doesn't get up to greet her, though, just staying behind the desk.

For as worn as he looks, she's really no better. In her usual ensemble of jeans, boots, and a leather jacket, but with the way her hair is teased and her make-up is done it's obvious she has to work at some point in the day. Despite that, she's missing her usual glow of excitement. Everything about her is dim and rough. There's a twitch to the edge of her lip when he greets her and tells her she can come in. It no longer feels like she's breaking the rules but she still takes care with how she moves. The door is closed with quietly behind her and she's making a path across the room to the couch with a definite slouch in her posture. Turning she sank down heavily onto the couch, leaning onto the arm closest to his desk. Her legs were drawn to her chest and arms folded across her knees like she might be curling herself into a small ball for protection. Or maybe she was trying to offer herself some comfort through these hard times. She was looking him over, picking out all the bits and pieces and what they might mean. It might seem like she isn't even going to break the silence first considering she doesn't appear to be in any hurry to say whatever it is she came here for. Her eyes are then ticking around the office and finally they land back on him, a drawn out sigh follows, and she says the question that had been pressing on her mind the most throughout the weekend. "How much d'you hate me, Ben?" So upfront and to the point, but it didn't halt the deep frown that sliced its way across her lips.

Ben watches her move, watches her curl up on the couch, but he manages to look pretty dispassionate about it -- but that's only from years and years of practice at hiding his emotions. Internally, he's a wreck, he wants to go to her, wants to tell her how bad he missed her. But he doesn't. Can't. She finally asks that question though, and he drops his head, sighing, rubbing his eyes with the thumb and forefinger of one hand. "Jackie..." Finally he gets to his feet, but it's just to round his desk, ending up in front of it, leaning back against it, his hands in his pants pockets. It looks casual, aloof, like he isn't bothered, but really, it's just because it's easier to keep from going to her and gathering her up in his arms if his hands are tucked away. "I don't hate you. I'm kind of angry still, and I'm really hurt by the things you said, but I don't hate you." His voice is quiet, a little soft, and maybe just a hint of that hurting comes through in it.

It only pokes and prods at her fears, the way he's looking at her without saying a thing, without even moving. Jackie wonders if it had been a mistake to come here, if he still needed more time to stop being so angry with her. She asked her question and he sighs. Did she irritate him more? Ben is rising to his feet and there's a strand of hope that he would be coming closer to offer that little bit of contact they usually managed to hold even when they were upset with one another. But no, he's taking up a lean against the desk and her frown stays in place.

He doesn't outright hate her, at least that's one upside and it's the barest bit of weight lifted off her chest. "I went about it all the wrong way. I shouldn't have said those things like that, but..." She lifted her hand to comb fingers through her hair, destroying it for work but it was too much of a habit to stop. "I let it all build up on me for weeks now, maybe more than that. I know I shouldn't have, but I guess it finally reached the point where I snapped." That was an understatement. "I'm sorry." And out of how rambling everything else she said was, that was sincere, emphasized by her tone and expression.

His expression shifts, briefly, into something sort of dismayed during her explanation. For weeks, maybe longer? He didn't know which was worse, that she hadn't told him about it sooner, or that he hadn't picked up on it and seen through it when she told him that her hesitations were just normal nerves. Even when he tries to look more neutral again, more composed, he can't quite fake it as well as he'd been able to just a moment ago. "Well..." He shifts his weight, looking like he's going to push out of his lean, but he just settles back against the edge of the desk again, shrugging. "I'm glad to hear that, that a lot of that didn't come out right. That makes me feel a little better." Though, of course it doesn't fix everything, and of course he still worries about how much of what she'd said she'd been dramatic about, and how much of it she'd really meant. He fixes her with another look, most of the hurt still tucked away (though it's wearing on him to hide, and he gets worse and worse at it as the seconds tick by), and just when it seems like he's not going to say anything else, "Do you want to try it again?"

Jackie Sullivan

Date: 2013-03-19 00:19 EST
"Mmm." The response hums at her lips. Jackie couldn't bring herself to be too excited that he was feeling a little better considering she hadn't even begun to explain herself again. As far as she knew she could go through attempting to reiterate herself and start the fight from Friday all over again. At his offer for her to try again she's releasing a soft sigh, the gesture seeming to make her deflate and sink so much further into the couch that her knees are practically higher than her head, hiding herself away even further. "Yeah, I do." It didn't sound convincing. He was putting so much effort into hiding his emotions while she was wearing each and every one rather plainly on her sleeve. Her head tipped aside so her gaze could focus on a stray knot pattern on the hardwood floor. It was so rare for Jackie to have to eat so much crow and she wasn't a fan. "I mean, I've never felt comfortable goin' to those parties and it feels like it's gettin' worse instead of gettin' better. I'm not gettin' more used to them, I'm just gettin' more confused. I feel like, those sorta things aren't how I was raised an' maybe I'm turnin' my back on who I really am tryin' to fit in. When you say 'be yourself', I really don't feel like I can be. The real me doesn't work at those parties."

Ben listens quietly while she speaks, watching her without staring, without being invasive. She wasn't being interrogated or interviewed, but those skills he had certainly helped. He takes a moment to think about what she says before saying anything. "So who do you think the real you is, Jackie?" Not aggressive at all, not sarcastic; his tone is still quiet, just asking for her thoughts -- helping her figure it out on her own, maybe. "What are the kinds of things about you that you think don't work?"

Her bottom lip was popped out at the question and she was more than a little surprised at herself that she had to hesitate. Who was she? "I'm loud, obnoxious, a pain in the a*s, I drink, get rowdy, act goofy as hell." The words were repeated automatically. These were all the things that she had heard others use to describe her and she didn't so much consider any of them to be insults. "And then you look at them girls there an' I'm not like any of them. They got all sorts of charm, know when to talk and what to say, they're confident as hell. If you could teach a dog to walk on its hind legs and stick a party dress on it?" Thumbs to herself. "That's what I feel like at those parties. It was funny at first but now? It's... not."

Ben knew Jackie didn't consider those to be insults; he knows she isn't just talking bad about herself. "Sure, you can be all those things, Jackie. But that isn't all you are." He sighs a little, but he smiles, though it's sort of wistful. "Our first date. --either one of them. Were you loud or obnoxious or goofy then? Or my birthday, or when we go out for dinner... Do you feel not yourself those nights? You're not faking something for me, right?"

Her gaze flickers back to Ben's face when he speaks and his wistful smile is mirrored in her own small one. How many couples were lucky enough to have two first dates? She's listening carefully to what he's saying, chewing at the inside of her cheek. Though, she doesn't have to think hard for an answer. "No, I'm not fakin' anything when it's just me an' you. That's how I am around you. But..." The word was drawn out, giving her more time to process. "It doesn't come as natural when I'm around so many other people. I have to think at it an' work at it. And then I'm tryin' so hard that it feels like I'm turnin' my back on the way I've been my entire life. Makin' an effort to not be me." Fingers of both hands captured a stray lock of blonde, something to put her attention on instead of him when she added the last part. "And then after everythin' was said and done it seemed like you really liked that girl from the parties. An' maybe it's just a matter of time before you like her more than you like me." Because to Jackie how was she in her day to day life was totally separate from the party going Jackie, two different entities.

"Okay. First, that's important, what you just said, that that's just how you are around me. You're different around just me than you are when you're out partying -- or when you're at my house with me and Adam, or when you're at home with your family... You can be a different you to fit the situation and still be you." Finally, he stands up straight, moves over to the couch and sits beside her, though he busies himself with folding up the throw blanket and doesn't touch her at all. "I know it doesn't feel natural to you, but... I don't know, Jackie. I think you're thinking about it too much. I think you're too worried that there's no way you can ever possibly fit in at those kinds of things, so... I'm not surprised you feel that way, that you're making an effort to not be you. You are making an effort to not be you." He sets the folded blanket down on the arm of the couch, slouches down a little, back into the cushions, hands folded, but at least he's looking at her.

"I did like the girl from the parties, because I thought that girl was you. I knew you weren't comfortable yet, but I thought you were adjusting. I didn't know you were trying to be somebody different. What were you trying to act like, the girl you thought I wanted there with me?" He shakes his head, looking away again, but even in profile, it's easy to tell he's a much more controlled version of himself from Friday night, hurt and a little angry -- offended, sad. "I think that's what hurts me most about all this, Jackie. I wanted you there with me, because you're the girl I love, but you didn't trust that. You really thought I'd want you to change to make me happy -- and you thought I didn't mean it when I told you I just wanted you to be yourself. It hurts, that you think that of me." He sighs, and it sounds annoyed, but really, it's just to get that emotion out, so he sounds less worked up when he goes on (though he'd been on the quiet side the whole time anyway, all the intensity internal). "You said those girls have charm, that they're confident? So are you. You can be more than just an obnoxious, loud, rowdy drunk, Jackie. You're a sweet, kind, funny, smart girl around me, and that's still you. That isn't turning your back on who you are. It's just growing. Just adapting. I don't want you to change or give up who you are. I just want you to realize that who you are is way, way more complicated and wonderful to be limited to drunk partying, brawling Georgia girl."

From her heavily slouched position she's still peering back at him over the top of her knees. Jackie doesn't have a reply to what he has to say right away, but she's obviously paying attention like a hawk with the way her gaze steadily follows him from his desk to the couch beside her. Distance, no touching, but at least he was nearby. "I know I can be different when the situation calls for it, but that isn't a situation I'm used to. What else am I supposed to do but over think the hell out of it? Those people were probably all born into that, been doin' it since they were little. Or they at least got sense enough to adapt to all of it." Her head turned to look straight ahead a her knee, her hand settling there to scratch idly at the fabric of her jeans.

"I was tryin' to fit in with all the other girls that I saw there. What was I supposed to do? You went there and you were fittin' in so perfectly with everyone else. You were able to talk to 'em all like it wasn't a big deal an' shmooze an' you had all the right things to say. I figured you were playin' your part an' I was playin' mine. Because at first I thought you were fakin' it as hard as I was an'... then I started realizin' that was all you. And you liked the me I was bein', whatever reason that was." None of it sounded as angry or insulting as Friday, though maybe it would sound horrible no matter how she said it.

"You're on this path where it feels like you're becomin' one of those guys like Richard. Or you always were one and I didn't realize it. It's all your reputation, your work, the career you're buildin', workin' on your name. An' I'm really happy for y'Ben and I'm proud of y'but... I think I get worried that if I can't figure out how to function in that part of what you have goin' on that I'm gonna get left behind. The really scary part is that right now I don't know how I'm supposed to grow or adapt into fittin' into stuff like that and actually feel like me. Any sort of version of me." She had heard all of the gruff irritation in his tone, it was impossible to miss, and she was too nervous to cast another glance his way to see his expression after all of that. So, she continued picking at the spot on her knee like it was the most interesting thing in the room.

Something in all of that really wounds him, but she isn't looking at him, so she probably wouldn't notice when the evidence of it shows up on his face -- the way his brows draw together, the little purse of his lips, the tightening in his jaw. It takes him a long moment to figure out what to say -- a long moment to calm himself enough to say it. "Jackie, I'm the same person I've always been. I'm not 'one of those guys like Richard,' but I'm not faking anything either, not really. There's no 'them.'" He sighs, but there's no irritation in it this time. "I'm not going to leave you behind. I know that eventually you'll understand that doing things like going to those parties doesn't change who you are, or doesn't mean you have to change who you are. But, uh..." He clears his throat, focuses down on his hands clasped in his lap, taps his thumbs together a couple of times, just a way to burn off the anxiety. "I guess the real question is, do you want to keep up? And if you don't -- and that's fine, you don't need to, because it's you I care about, not that I have somebody on my arm at these things -- but if you decide you don't want to try to figure that out, do you..." He trails off, bites his lip, composes himself. And to think, just a few days ago, he was about to ask her to move in. "It sounds like you might not want to be with me anymore, Jackie. Like finding out that I can get by at those kinds of events completely changed what you think of me."

Jackie Sullivan

Date: 2013-03-19 00:41 EST
Her head tipped forward, turning so she could settle her temple against her knee to look at him. She had missed his wounded expression, only just catching him as he begins to talk. Jackie's lips thin when he says there is no 'them'. In her eyes there was a distinct separation, though it mostly lingered between her and Claudia. She's silent through majority of it while he's offering out a compromise of sorts. The chance to choose whether she wants to attend those sorts of events with him or opt out. It's the final trail that causes her brows to furrow and when he says the last part her heart breaks. He had distinctly put space between them and made an effort to not lay a finger on her, but her entire body is unfurling and scooting close to him, legs folded beneath her with her knees touching the edge of his thigh.

"I want to be with you. Don't do that or think that." Hands reached out to cup beneath his jaw in an attempt to turn his head towards her unless her really fought her on it. The sad distance that had been in her tone throughout majority of the talk was replaced by quiet panic. "I don't want to stop seein' you. I love you. But then there's all this stuff I wasn't expectin' and I figure I can take it all or it won't be a big deal. And then everythin' just becomes more an' more, an' some of it is so wonderful like bein' with you on Fantome. But then everythin' is just gettin' deeper an' deeper. I'm flounderin' and you're doin' just fine." The quiet was slowly shattering, apparently along with the dam that had been holding back every insecurity that Jackie had. "But you're Ben, of course you do fine because you are one of the strongest people I know and no matter how bad things get for you, y'somehow manage to handle them so well and I'm not like that. I'm a mess and anything good I do is probably an accident. And bein' like Richard isn't even a bad thing. He's smart, handsome, charming, successful. You're all of those things and your heart makes you so much better an'... an'..."

She was gasping for air in big gulps, but with each breath it just brought her breakdown that much closer with tears already brimming over her eyelids and her voice coming to a crescendo of worry. "It's not me thinkin' bad of you because you can do so well in that sort of world. It's what if I can't? And then it's not even a matter of you leavin' me behind, but what if I'm just not good enough for you and I never realized it before? Or what if I even try and it just makes me worse somehow?" It probably didn't even make much sense considering Ben didn't know about any of the bickering that had gone on between Jackie and Claudia, but she wasn't pausing on that. "I mess up everythin' good, Ben. I know all of this really can be such a good thing an' so many people would be so thankful, an' here I am cryin' about it. An' even worse I'm hurtin' you an'..." Shaking her head. "I ruin everythin'."

He doesn't react when she moves closer, not even when she touches him, but he doesn't resist when she turns his head toward her, either. He still looks hurt -- distraught, really, which something he rarely ever shows -- but most of that disappears when she states it so clearly, so firmly, that she still wants to be with him. He waits while she goes on, he notes the panic in her voice, and by the time she's gasping for air, his own hands are on her cheeks, and he looks a little pained again -- but it's for her, this time. "Jackie..." Her name is just a murmur, and then she's going on. Finally showing him all those fears she's kept bottled up for so long.

Right when she quiets is right when Ben can't take it anymore, and his hands drop from her cheeks, but just so he can finally wrap his arms around her, pulling her into his lap in a tight embrace. One hand shifts to her hair, and he tucks her head under his chin, cheek pressed to the top of her head, eyes shut. He doesn't say anything right away -- isn't able to. But eventually, "I love you too, Jackie. You're not a mess, sweetheart. Dealing with me the way you do -- that's so, so good, and you try so hard to do right. That's no accident, Jackie." He pulls back just enough to kiss her forehead, but then he's pulling her into that tight hug again. "I just wish you saw what I do. I don't care if you ever end up 'fitting in,' learning the right things to say, being just like one of those other girls. If that was important to me, I could probably find a girl like that -- but that's not important to me. That's not what I want. I want you, Jackie. I don't bring you with because I want a girl on my arm. I bring you with so everybody can see the amazing woman that picked me." His hands move to her cheeks again; he presses his forehead against hers. "Do you understand me now? Do you trust me? I really mean it when I say that I just want you to be yourself. I want you to be happy, not miserable and upset and feeling fake. Miserable and upset and fake is not Jackie Daniels -- it's not the girl I fell in love with. Just be that girl, and it'll all work out, I promise you. You haven't ruined anything, and you won't, as long as you do that."

There's a streak of alarm that runs through Jackie when his hands lower from her cheeks, wondering if it was too much or too idiotic for him to handle and she was going to be turned away. He looked so hurt and it was all because of her, could she blame him? But no, he's drawing her in closer and there's no hesitation as she curls herself into his lap and tucks her body further against his within his grasp. He's not saying anything right away to break the silence and neither is she aside from her ongoing sniffling which only seems to increase in her relief rather than subside. She's doing her best to let everything that he's saying sink in, to really take hold inside of her brain and to not let previous doubts or the conversation with Claudia color what he's telling her. It seemed so ridiculous now to allow herself to become so convinced that Ben would want her any other way than what she already is. She always told him she accepts him, flaws and all, how much she loves him even more with his imperfections. Yet she somehow managed to delude herself into thinking he wouldn't look at her in a similar light.

Her head turns when he takes her by the cheeks again, her forehead placed to his. "I understand. I trust you." The words were quiet and had to be for her to eek them out between her blubbering. All the prep she had done for work was wasted now with the way her liner and mascara streaked beneath her eyes, but she should have known better than to assume she would make it out of here with a dry eye no matter how the conversation went. "I'll work on it all. I'll figure it out an' I'll talk to you about it. I won't let it all pile up again." Just went it seems like her emotional bout might be over he tells her that she hasn't ruined anything and despite herself shes shaking her head with another wobble of her bottom lip. "I did ruin it. I ruined everythin' on Friday. It was supposed to be a really good night an' I messed it up by goin' off the handle. I'm sorry." Words Jackie hated to say, but they were coming much easier considering she had royally screwed up.

He nods along with her, encouraging, when she says she'll work on it, won't let it all build up again. He sits up a little straighter, but keeps his hands on her cheeks, brushing his thumbs against her skin, trying to wipe some of the smears of mascara and liner away -- though he catches that tremble of her mouth, and he stops trying, considering it might just run all over again. "Don't. Nothing's ruined. We'll just have to have another night for it all, okay? We can have a do-over. We had a second first date, right?" Maybe it let on a little more than he wanted to, just how important he'd intended that night to be, considering he's comparing it to a first date, but then again, Jackie already knows what he'd had planned for that night anyway. "You okay now? Is there anything else you needed to talk about?" Leaning in, he presses his lips to her forehead, and after the lingering kiss, pulls her into a hug again. After being apart from her for so long, he just doesn't want to let go.

She knows she's a mess and his futile attempts to straighten her make-up out are met with a twitch at the corner of her lips. Jackie's positive that wasn't enough to put her back together visually, but the effort was still as sweet as ever. When he tells her nothing is ruined it only makes her bottom lip pop out further, though the wobble is gone and it's more for show than anything. Finally, she has to give in with a nod. "Alright, a do-over. Maybe we can try again this weekend? Breakfast for dinner date, take two?" What he said made perfect sense to her even if it wasn't actually supposed to, but it was too difficult to focus on that with his lips pressed to her forehead and his arms holding her so firmly. She had missed this so much and realized how absolutely lost she was without it.

Was there anything else to talk about? Is this the open to tell him that she knew he was going to ask her to move in on Friday? That Adam called her yesterday? No, not like this. Not after something so intense and draining. They would have their re-do. She would let him ask how he had planned. "Do y'think I can come by tonight after work?" She settled herself further against him while tipping her head back to peer up at him. "Not to stay, but maybe just hang out. Watch a lil' TV with you an' Adam?"

Part of Ben wants to ask her now, not to wait, but he doesn't want it tainted. Doesn't want it to seem like he's only asking her to move in to make her feel better, or to make either of them feel more secure in their relationship. He just wants to ask because he wants her to live with him, plain and simple, and he knows it won't feel like that right now. "This weekend works, yeah. Saturday, take two?"

She settles further against him, and once she's looking up at him, he's trying to wipe off the watery trails of black from her cheeks. "Yeah, you can come over. Adam really missed you. He notices, right? No church on Sunday, no game night Monday." Lack of a sober father, for a decent part of the weekend. "So yeah... that'd be nice, sunshine. Just for a couple of hours." The quirk of a smile is somewhat subdued -- this really had been draining, not just the conversation, but the entire span of days spent uncertain of where they stood, the fight itself -- but it's still warm, affectionate. "When do you need to go to work?"

"Saturday would be perfect. Really." A weak smile when he's once again wiping at her eye make-up on the run. "I'm gonna just have to grab a mirror before I leave here. I don't think I'll be gettin' any tips if I walk into the bar lookin' like this." Not that she seemed bothered by that. It felt like a relief to get everything out that had been caged up for so long, even if that included a good cry about it. Her lips tick downward at the mention of Adam and there's a nod. "I... didn't think of it at first and it made what I did extra wrong. Now when you an' I have a misunderstandin' or take some space, it isn't just about you an' I. Adam suffers, too. I lost sight of that. So, thanks, 'cause I really wanna see him."

She releases a heavy exhale at his final question. Work was the last thing she wanted to think about. She would love nothing more than to stay curled in his lap like this, but it wasn't an option. "I have 'bout fifteen minutes before I need to freshen up an' be on my way." Her head tipped against his shoulder. "Can I stay here until then?" With the way she adjusted herself in his lap, fitting herself closer, it was clear she wasn't simply asking to stay in his office. She meant right there in that spot.

Making up like this was good -- really, really good, actually. But hearing her express how she understands this affects Adam, too -- hearing that she's concerned about his son, that she wants to see his son -- that might mean the most of all. "Fifteen minutes?" He keeps one arm around her, along her spine, hand on her hip, his other hand lifting to settle on her cheek briefly, encouraging her to keep her head on his shoulder, before his fingers tangle in her hair. "Yeah, sweetheart." He tilts his head so it rests lightly against hers, even closes his eyes. "Stay right here."