Friday, November 9th, 2012 -- late evening
As much as Ben had probably hoped that Jackie would lose some of her spark through the car ride home, that wasn't the case at all. When they dropped Chey off she had ran inside to get a backpack full of clothes for their sleepover. She had promised to bring her comfiest pajamas and she was sticking with this. Once they arrived to Ben's apartment there was still that bounce in her step that carried her inside with her bag sagging off her shoulder. Boots were being slid off at the door and she was turning her attention to Ben, barely letting him get in the door before she's asking. "Yer not really plannin' on goin' to bed, are you?" She was squinting at him, unsure if he had been serious about that comment at Harper's or not.
He really had hoped she would, even if he knew it was really unlikely. Shutting the door behind them, he's pulling his boots off there in the entryway as well, hanging up his coat in the closet, too. "Kind of? Thought we were gonna have that talk, remember? Or..." A little quirk of a smile. "Well, I never heard back from you, so I figured you weren't into the idea of being too occupied to talk." Lifting to palm her cheek, but just for a second, before he's moving into the kitchen to get a glass of water. "Why," back over his shoulder, "what'd you want to do?"
"I wanna have that talk but y' made it sound like y' were lookin' forward t' passin' out straight away." She was smirking at his assumption. His very wrong assumption. "I'm fine with the idea, but considerin' y' seemed like y' had somethin' important t' tell me I was tryin' to swing my attention towards the cold shower." His hand on her cheek brought her a little peace, though just as quickly it was gone when he was walking off. She trailed along, lifting her bag. "I'm goin' in the bathroom so I can change into my pajamas. Then yer gonna tell me where y' want me an' we're gonna talk." Leaning against the doorway of the bathroom. "How's that sound?"
He can't help it; he's smiling crookedly when she corrects his assumption. Under different circumstances, he would've taken that and run with it. Tonight? He's just bringing his glass of water with him to the bedroom, stopping on the way to intercept Jackie in the bathroom doorway. Again, he's cupping her cheek, but this time he leans in to kiss her. It's soft, tender, and only lasts a few seconds before he pulls back. "Tell you where I want you? In bed with me. As soon as you can." Barely catches his bottom lip between his teeth before he's stopping that nervous habit, giving her a still slightly crooked smile instead before dropping his hand from her face and heading into the bedroom. Leaving the glass on his nightstand, he's changing into a black tee and a pair of sweats before pulling an extra blanket out of the closet. After he spreads it out on top of the comforter and quilt he's already been using, he crawls into bed, half-curled on his side, facing the half of the bed Jackie usually took -- and even though half an hour ago -- five minutes ago -- he would've thought for sure he'd be asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, he's wide awake now.
He wasn't the only one. Thoughts of x, y, and z had steadily been running through her head majority of the day and night, but with so much emphasis that this talk between them fell in line with staying honest it became vital to not let it slide by. Her head is tipping into his hand and she's smiling beneath the kiss. "In bed fast. I think I can manage that." There's a thickness to her voice, but she's clearing her throat and shaking her head when his hand falls away. No, it's too easy to fall into that. She had to stay focused.
Once he's in the bedroom it doesn't take long for her to join him. Jackie kept promising comfortable pajamas, but it seemed her prized set wasn't much different than what she usually wore. She was slipping into the bedroom, letting her bag of clothes sink down onto the floor. Grey cashmere boy shorts were paired with a pale cream colored lace camisole. She was always going on about using more blankets and using Ben as her personal heater, yet it seemed she was set on surviving the winter without wearing much more than this for sleep. She crawled into her side of bed beneath the blankets and was automatically sliding towards Ben to meet him in the middle. "Now this..." The words were soft. It seemed more natural to whisper in the dark, to not break the quiet. "This is what I been lookin' forward to all day."
Part of him was amused by that -- every night since it had gotten cold, not just tonight -- that she insisted on sleeping in so little when it was cold, but then again, if it got her to curl up close with him, he wasn't likely to complain. When she comes in close, he's catching her around the waist with one arm, his other hand finding its usual home in her blonde waves. He's leaving a little bit of space between them though, enough so he can still see her face, make eye contact. "Me too," just as low-voiced as she was. "Ever since I got out of bed in the morning." Pressing one more kiss to her mouth, a soft one, before pulling back to create that tiny bit of distance again. "Really hate to ruin it with this." It wasn't very fair of him to try to get out of it that way, and he knows it -- that much is obvious when he sighs a little. "Sleeping in tomorrow to make up for this talk. Deal? And are you ready?"
It's so natural the way they move once they're close to each other. Legs are twined with his and her hands find their home settled against his chest, curled into the fabric of his shirt. The bubbly air around her had deflated over the worry of what exactly she was stepping into by agreeing to this. What else was she going to do though? Say no? It wasn't even an option if they were going to make this work. And she was set on making it work. She's leaning into the kiss, following him shortly when he pulls back. Oh, how she wanted to hold onto that for a little longer. When he speaks of ruining it a clear cut frown settles at her lips. "Deal." The word was weak, practically croaked out. One hand lifted from his chest so she could cup his jaw, the pad of her thumb brushing along his lips and cheek before fingers combed through his hair at his temple. A snap shot of this, of peace before dread captured her again. "No, but now is as gooda time as ever." It was more of that honesty.
Ben's trying to find a little bit of comfort in that -- the ease with which they seem to fit together, the tiny bit of calm he feels when she's touching his face, putting her fingers back through his hair. He's been dreading this conversation himself for days -- weeks -- and by now, it had mostly dulled. Mostly. Enough that he can huff out a near-silent laugh at what she says, almost amused. "Right." More of the honesty.
He takes a deep breath, bites his lip for a second, lets out the sigh. "So... You know I'm not working right now. I'm not making any money. I was starting to get worried about making rent, buying groceries ... you know. Everything." Slowly, he's started to comb his fingers through her hair. "A couple of weeks ago, after one of those long blackouts, I found money in my coat pocket. A lot of it." He hadn't been making direct eye contact with her through all that, though he isn't really looking away, either, just keeping his focus on her face -- but he is looking her in the eye then. "I found a note too. Girl's handwriting. Thanking me, saying she couldn't pay me enough. I don't know what any of it means." A little more quietly.
"I know y' ain't. I know men an' their pride, but... I wasn't gonna let anythin' happen t' you. You losin' yer apartment or nothin'." As flighty as Jackie could come off at times she was very aware when it came to Ben, or at least she would like to think. His lack of funds hadn't escaped her, but it was always a balancing for men between need and pride that she didn't want to tread on. She's still combing her fingers through his hair as well, a little nod to urge him to go on. Brows automatically knit at the mention of the money. Her touch is still gentle, still there through her confusion. She wasn't sure what sort of conclusion she was supposed to be drawing from this admission. But it was the last part, a note. A girl, thanking him, paying him. The stroke of her hand comes to a halt. She's trying to stay still because she's worried any movement is going to make her stomach lurch, she already feels sick. "A lot of money with a girl thankin' y'." Maybe if she said it outloud it could be taken some other way? But no, her mind was jumping to one and only conclusion. "D'you think... Harry?" Her frown deepened and she was pulling her hand back from his hair.
Somewhere, deep down, he's touched by that, that she'd been aware, but that she hadn't said anything about it. He really does appreciate it. It's just too bad that he can't mention it right then.
He'd really hoped that there was some obvious conclusion he wasn't seeing, that right after telling her, Jackie would just laugh and explain what it all really meant, and that it wouldn't be-- But she's coming to the same unwanted conclusion he tentatively had. When she pulls her hand back, there's a movement of his own hand in her hair, like he's going to pull away too -- and he almost does, but it just would've been to catch her hand in his -- but he stops the motion, ends up just curling his fingers into her hair lightly, the idle finger-combing coming to a halt. "I don't know." That really is honest -- it's the truth -- though he's avoiding eye contact altogether, dropping his gaze. "Maybe."
There possibly could have been some hope to grasp onto if he had left it at that. A simple 'I don't know'. Then they both could have sat in confusion together. But he's confirming her worries. Obviously he's been thinking about them, too. "An' it's been weeks since this happened?" Why she wants to confirm that, she doesn't even know. Her hands are pulling back from him to fold and rest against her own chest. She's not running away, she's not unwrapping her legs from his. But even with his hand clasped into her hair it feels like there's a bit more distance between them than before. "I toldja I didn't wanna know 'bout this sorta stuff, Ben. We said honest, but there was gonna be a line." Her voice was quiet, thick. With so many of these situations she could sound levelheaded, maybe angry when dealing with Sam. But right now it was the same tone she constantly had when talking about Harry's late night dalliances. She sounded hurt, she looked the part as well.
"A few weeks, yeah." Nothing in his voice is defensive, or even very animated -- mostly, he just sounds tired, maybe a little hurt himself. "I didn't say anything about it then because I thought that maybe it'd just ... you know, it'd just be the one time, and..." And what, that made it okay to ignore? He doesn't finish that thought. "But I found more just a couple days ago. No note this time." He doesn't do anything to stop her from pulling back from him, even if it's only partly -- in fact, he untangles his hand from her hair after one last absent little curl of his fingers into it, pulls it away from her, though he just lets his hand rest in the little bit of space between them. "I know you told me that, and if I knew for sure that that's what this is, I wouldn't be telling you. But I don't know for sure, Jackie. It could be something else. I mean, I woke up here, I didn't wake up drunk or anything... So it probably isn't him." He's not sure how convincing that is, and he's not looking at her face to find out. "I just want you to know," even more quietly, maybe a touch more hurt -- because it does hurt, to hear her voice thick like that, to know he's hurting her by making this choice to tell her, "that I thought about this for a long time, and I thought about what you said about not wanting to know, and that I still thought I should tell you. I don't want you to think I didn't consider that. I just thought this didn't fall under that, because it's not a sure thing." He feels like the explanation is a lame one before he even finishes it, and it shows some, in his expression, mildly upset -- with himself.
Her expression was just as flat as his and she was trying to do the same to her voice, to work the emotion out of it when she spoke. "More? So two times findin' large amounts of cash on y' after a long black out? Once with a note in a girl's handwritin' sayin'... she couldn't pay y' enough." She's doing nothing to stop his hand when he pulls away, hers still staying firmly clasped near her chest. "If it ain't him then what else could it be, Ben? I'm more than willin' to hear any ideas, but from I know I'm comin' up dry is all." She knows he's hurting just as much as she is. That he would never intentionally want to hurt her or want something like this to happen. One hand eases out to simply lay on top of his. Her fingers aren't curling to grasp him or lace within his, just a little contact."I'm sure y' thought about it, sweetheart. I'm sure it ain't a decision y' would rush into an' if it coulda been avoided then I'm sure y' woulda tried that route. I jus'.." She was frowning softly, brows knit with thought. "It's the hardest part. Without a doubt. An' the idea of... if he's tryin' to make this into some sorta... profession?" She felt sick after saying the word, her head turning to press her face into the pillow. It actually took a short while for her to lift her face again, probably when she needed an unobstructed gulp of air. "Have y' tried... askin' anyone?" She was sure it was a stupid question, but it was worth a shot.
He can't even respond verbally when she's repeating what happened; the only confirmation that she has it right is the bare hint of a nod. "I really don't know, Jackie. I don't. Drug dealing?" It's not exactly a laugh, the quiet noise he makes -- there's no humor in it, the tone all wrong. But when she puts her hand over his, he turns his over without hesitation, curls his fingers around her hand, though it's a light grasp, easy for her to break out of if she wants or needs.
He's feeling ill himself, and he stays still, though he doesn't take the opportunity to try to calm himself when she hides her face into her pillow. Instead, "I know it is, Jackie. Don't you think this is hard for me too?" So quiet, and it's only through a lot of effort that he's able to keep his voice steady, though he's still obviously distraught. "What, asking who what?"
There was a brief, sharp bark of dry laughter when he mentioned drug dealing. If it was unclear why this was so funny, she voiced it outloud. "It's a sad an' weird sorta night when drug dealin' sounds like a much better option than anythin' else." When her hand is lightly captured she's curling her fingers in return around his. It was too difficult to pull her hand back from him. It would be too cruel to him and it would hurt her just as much. He was where she found her comfort, even in situations concerning him.
She's frowning at his question of it being hard for him as well. "I know, Ben. I'm sorry. I'm sure it's worse fer you, really. Not knowin' where y' been or what happened. I'm sorry." Her voice is quiet, guilty. A frown is still playing on her lips when she makes her previous statement more clear. "Y' talk t' them boys sometimes, the notebook or however. Have y' asked Harry or any of them what's goin' on with alla it?"
Ben understands why she's laughing, even before she explains it -- that almost-laugh of his had been for the exact same reason. When she curls her fingers around his in return, he's actually feeling some measure of relief. She's where he finds comfort too, even in situations like this, the ones that hurt her -- the ones he tells himself not to feel guilt for, because they aren't his fault, and he knows she understands that, no matter how badly they hurt.
He sighs when she apologizes, and he does let go of her hand then, but only to lay his hand along her cheek lightly; he's seeking out eye contact if she'll meet his gaze. "No, don't. I didn't mean it like that, sweetheart. It's really hard for me to deal with it, the thought of..." He doesn't say it, but he pauses, swallows thickly before going on. "But if there's one thing I've gotten good at after all this time, it's ignoring things that don't make sense or that I don't want to think about when things like this happen. I'm sure you..." Trailing off again, and his thumb strokes against her cheek. "I'm sorry that you worry. That you'll be thinking about this." He's just as quiet, and maybe a little bit sad, but there's no guilt there, unlike in her voice. There's no way there could be any guilt, when he hasn't done anything to produce it.
His thumb is still brushing against her skin, slow and idle, when she clarifies her statement; there's a brief look of realization on his face and he's nodding, just barely -- really, he feels a little foolish that he didn't understand her when she first asked. But quickly, the look shifts into something else -- it's an odd mix, frustration and avoidance. "No, they don't ... they don't write back anymore. But that was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. You remember how I told you I ... you know, kind of went inside?" It's a phrase he's sort of been using in his own thoughts to describe it, and it was only reinforced earlier in the day during his session with Harper. "And I saw the house I used to live in? I found it again. And I went in, and ... found Sam. Talked to him. Not about this but... Next time. If I can."
As much as Ben had probably hoped that Jackie would lose some of her spark through the car ride home, that wasn't the case at all. When they dropped Chey off she had ran inside to get a backpack full of clothes for their sleepover. She had promised to bring her comfiest pajamas and she was sticking with this. Once they arrived to Ben's apartment there was still that bounce in her step that carried her inside with her bag sagging off her shoulder. Boots were being slid off at the door and she was turning her attention to Ben, barely letting him get in the door before she's asking. "Yer not really plannin' on goin' to bed, are you?" She was squinting at him, unsure if he had been serious about that comment at Harper's or not.
He really had hoped she would, even if he knew it was really unlikely. Shutting the door behind them, he's pulling his boots off there in the entryway as well, hanging up his coat in the closet, too. "Kind of? Thought we were gonna have that talk, remember? Or..." A little quirk of a smile. "Well, I never heard back from you, so I figured you weren't into the idea of being too occupied to talk." Lifting to palm her cheek, but just for a second, before he's moving into the kitchen to get a glass of water. "Why," back over his shoulder, "what'd you want to do?"
"I wanna have that talk but y' made it sound like y' were lookin' forward t' passin' out straight away." She was smirking at his assumption. His very wrong assumption. "I'm fine with the idea, but considerin' y' seemed like y' had somethin' important t' tell me I was tryin' to swing my attention towards the cold shower." His hand on her cheek brought her a little peace, though just as quickly it was gone when he was walking off. She trailed along, lifting her bag. "I'm goin' in the bathroom so I can change into my pajamas. Then yer gonna tell me where y' want me an' we're gonna talk." Leaning against the doorway of the bathroom. "How's that sound?"
He can't help it; he's smiling crookedly when she corrects his assumption. Under different circumstances, he would've taken that and run with it. Tonight? He's just bringing his glass of water with him to the bedroom, stopping on the way to intercept Jackie in the bathroom doorway. Again, he's cupping her cheek, but this time he leans in to kiss her. It's soft, tender, and only lasts a few seconds before he pulls back. "Tell you where I want you? In bed with me. As soon as you can." Barely catches his bottom lip between his teeth before he's stopping that nervous habit, giving her a still slightly crooked smile instead before dropping his hand from her face and heading into the bedroom. Leaving the glass on his nightstand, he's changing into a black tee and a pair of sweats before pulling an extra blanket out of the closet. After he spreads it out on top of the comforter and quilt he's already been using, he crawls into bed, half-curled on his side, facing the half of the bed Jackie usually took -- and even though half an hour ago -- five minutes ago -- he would've thought for sure he'd be asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, he's wide awake now.
He wasn't the only one. Thoughts of x, y, and z had steadily been running through her head majority of the day and night, but with so much emphasis that this talk between them fell in line with staying honest it became vital to not let it slide by. Her head is tipping into his hand and she's smiling beneath the kiss. "In bed fast. I think I can manage that." There's a thickness to her voice, but she's clearing her throat and shaking her head when his hand falls away. No, it's too easy to fall into that. She had to stay focused.
Once he's in the bedroom it doesn't take long for her to join him. Jackie kept promising comfortable pajamas, but it seemed her prized set wasn't much different than what she usually wore. She was slipping into the bedroom, letting her bag of clothes sink down onto the floor. Grey cashmere boy shorts were paired with a pale cream colored lace camisole. She was always going on about using more blankets and using Ben as her personal heater, yet it seemed she was set on surviving the winter without wearing much more than this for sleep. She crawled into her side of bed beneath the blankets and was automatically sliding towards Ben to meet him in the middle. "Now this..." The words were soft. It seemed more natural to whisper in the dark, to not break the quiet. "This is what I been lookin' forward to all day."
Part of him was amused by that -- every night since it had gotten cold, not just tonight -- that she insisted on sleeping in so little when it was cold, but then again, if it got her to curl up close with him, he wasn't likely to complain. When she comes in close, he's catching her around the waist with one arm, his other hand finding its usual home in her blonde waves. He's leaving a little bit of space between them though, enough so he can still see her face, make eye contact. "Me too," just as low-voiced as she was. "Ever since I got out of bed in the morning." Pressing one more kiss to her mouth, a soft one, before pulling back to create that tiny bit of distance again. "Really hate to ruin it with this." It wasn't very fair of him to try to get out of it that way, and he knows it -- that much is obvious when he sighs a little. "Sleeping in tomorrow to make up for this talk. Deal? And are you ready?"
It's so natural the way they move once they're close to each other. Legs are twined with his and her hands find their home settled against his chest, curled into the fabric of his shirt. The bubbly air around her had deflated over the worry of what exactly she was stepping into by agreeing to this. What else was she going to do though? Say no? It wasn't even an option if they were going to make this work. And she was set on making it work. She's leaning into the kiss, following him shortly when he pulls back. Oh, how she wanted to hold onto that for a little longer. When he speaks of ruining it a clear cut frown settles at her lips. "Deal." The word was weak, practically croaked out. One hand lifted from his chest so she could cup his jaw, the pad of her thumb brushing along his lips and cheek before fingers combed through his hair at his temple. A snap shot of this, of peace before dread captured her again. "No, but now is as gooda time as ever." It was more of that honesty.
Ben's trying to find a little bit of comfort in that -- the ease with which they seem to fit together, the tiny bit of calm he feels when she's touching his face, putting her fingers back through his hair. He's been dreading this conversation himself for days -- weeks -- and by now, it had mostly dulled. Mostly. Enough that he can huff out a near-silent laugh at what she says, almost amused. "Right." More of the honesty.
He takes a deep breath, bites his lip for a second, lets out the sigh. "So... You know I'm not working right now. I'm not making any money. I was starting to get worried about making rent, buying groceries ... you know. Everything." Slowly, he's started to comb his fingers through her hair. "A couple of weeks ago, after one of those long blackouts, I found money in my coat pocket. A lot of it." He hadn't been making direct eye contact with her through all that, though he isn't really looking away, either, just keeping his focus on her face -- but he is looking her in the eye then. "I found a note too. Girl's handwriting. Thanking me, saying she couldn't pay me enough. I don't know what any of it means." A little more quietly.
"I know y' ain't. I know men an' their pride, but... I wasn't gonna let anythin' happen t' you. You losin' yer apartment or nothin'." As flighty as Jackie could come off at times she was very aware when it came to Ben, or at least she would like to think. His lack of funds hadn't escaped her, but it was always a balancing for men between need and pride that she didn't want to tread on. She's still combing her fingers through his hair as well, a little nod to urge him to go on. Brows automatically knit at the mention of the money. Her touch is still gentle, still there through her confusion. She wasn't sure what sort of conclusion she was supposed to be drawing from this admission. But it was the last part, a note. A girl, thanking him, paying him. The stroke of her hand comes to a halt. She's trying to stay still because she's worried any movement is going to make her stomach lurch, she already feels sick. "A lot of money with a girl thankin' y'." Maybe if she said it outloud it could be taken some other way? But no, her mind was jumping to one and only conclusion. "D'you think... Harry?" Her frown deepened and she was pulling her hand back from his hair.
Somewhere, deep down, he's touched by that, that she'd been aware, but that she hadn't said anything about it. He really does appreciate it. It's just too bad that he can't mention it right then.
He'd really hoped that there was some obvious conclusion he wasn't seeing, that right after telling her, Jackie would just laugh and explain what it all really meant, and that it wouldn't be-- But she's coming to the same unwanted conclusion he tentatively had. When she pulls her hand back, there's a movement of his own hand in her hair, like he's going to pull away too -- and he almost does, but it just would've been to catch her hand in his -- but he stops the motion, ends up just curling his fingers into her hair lightly, the idle finger-combing coming to a halt. "I don't know." That really is honest -- it's the truth -- though he's avoiding eye contact altogether, dropping his gaze. "Maybe."
There possibly could have been some hope to grasp onto if he had left it at that. A simple 'I don't know'. Then they both could have sat in confusion together. But he's confirming her worries. Obviously he's been thinking about them, too. "An' it's been weeks since this happened?" Why she wants to confirm that, she doesn't even know. Her hands are pulling back from him to fold and rest against her own chest. She's not running away, she's not unwrapping her legs from his. But even with his hand clasped into her hair it feels like there's a bit more distance between them than before. "I toldja I didn't wanna know 'bout this sorta stuff, Ben. We said honest, but there was gonna be a line." Her voice was quiet, thick. With so many of these situations she could sound levelheaded, maybe angry when dealing with Sam. But right now it was the same tone she constantly had when talking about Harry's late night dalliances. She sounded hurt, she looked the part as well.
"A few weeks, yeah." Nothing in his voice is defensive, or even very animated -- mostly, he just sounds tired, maybe a little hurt himself. "I didn't say anything about it then because I thought that maybe it'd just ... you know, it'd just be the one time, and..." And what, that made it okay to ignore? He doesn't finish that thought. "But I found more just a couple days ago. No note this time." He doesn't do anything to stop her from pulling back from him, even if it's only partly -- in fact, he untangles his hand from her hair after one last absent little curl of his fingers into it, pulls it away from her, though he just lets his hand rest in the little bit of space between them. "I know you told me that, and if I knew for sure that that's what this is, I wouldn't be telling you. But I don't know for sure, Jackie. It could be something else. I mean, I woke up here, I didn't wake up drunk or anything... So it probably isn't him." He's not sure how convincing that is, and he's not looking at her face to find out. "I just want you to know," even more quietly, maybe a touch more hurt -- because it does hurt, to hear her voice thick like that, to know he's hurting her by making this choice to tell her, "that I thought about this for a long time, and I thought about what you said about not wanting to know, and that I still thought I should tell you. I don't want you to think I didn't consider that. I just thought this didn't fall under that, because it's not a sure thing." He feels like the explanation is a lame one before he even finishes it, and it shows some, in his expression, mildly upset -- with himself.
Her expression was just as flat as his and she was trying to do the same to her voice, to work the emotion out of it when she spoke. "More? So two times findin' large amounts of cash on y' after a long black out? Once with a note in a girl's handwritin' sayin'... she couldn't pay y' enough." She's doing nothing to stop his hand when he pulls away, hers still staying firmly clasped near her chest. "If it ain't him then what else could it be, Ben? I'm more than willin' to hear any ideas, but from I know I'm comin' up dry is all." She knows he's hurting just as much as she is. That he would never intentionally want to hurt her or want something like this to happen. One hand eases out to simply lay on top of his. Her fingers aren't curling to grasp him or lace within his, just a little contact."I'm sure y' thought about it, sweetheart. I'm sure it ain't a decision y' would rush into an' if it coulda been avoided then I'm sure y' woulda tried that route. I jus'.." She was frowning softly, brows knit with thought. "It's the hardest part. Without a doubt. An' the idea of... if he's tryin' to make this into some sorta... profession?" She felt sick after saying the word, her head turning to press her face into the pillow. It actually took a short while for her to lift her face again, probably when she needed an unobstructed gulp of air. "Have y' tried... askin' anyone?" She was sure it was a stupid question, but it was worth a shot.
He can't even respond verbally when she's repeating what happened; the only confirmation that she has it right is the bare hint of a nod. "I really don't know, Jackie. I don't. Drug dealing?" It's not exactly a laugh, the quiet noise he makes -- there's no humor in it, the tone all wrong. But when she puts her hand over his, he turns his over without hesitation, curls his fingers around her hand, though it's a light grasp, easy for her to break out of if she wants or needs.
He's feeling ill himself, and he stays still, though he doesn't take the opportunity to try to calm himself when she hides her face into her pillow. Instead, "I know it is, Jackie. Don't you think this is hard for me too?" So quiet, and it's only through a lot of effort that he's able to keep his voice steady, though he's still obviously distraught. "What, asking who what?"
There was a brief, sharp bark of dry laughter when he mentioned drug dealing. If it was unclear why this was so funny, she voiced it outloud. "It's a sad an' weird sorta night when drug dealin' sounds like a much better option than anythin' else." When her hand is lightly captured she's curling her fingers in return around his. It was too difficult to pull her hand back from him. It would be too cruel to him and it would hurt her just as much. He was where she found her comfort, even in situations concerning him.
She's frowning at his question of it being hard for him as well. "I know, Ben. I'm sorry. I'm sure it's worse fer you, really. Not knowin' where y' been or what happened. I'm sorry." Her voice is quiet, guilty. A frown is still playing on her lips when she makes her previous statement more clear. "Y' talk t' them boys sometimes, the notebook or however. Have y' asked Harry or any of them what's goin' on with alla it?"
Ben understands why she's laughing, even before she explains it -- that almost-laugh of his had been for the exact same reason. When she curls her fingers around his in return, he's actually feeling some measure of relief. She's where he finds comfort too, even in situations like this, the ones that hurt her -- the ones he tells himself not to feel guilt for, because they aren't his fault, and he knows she understands that, no matter how badly they hurt.
He sighs when she apologizes, and he does let go of her hand then, but only to lay his hand along her cheek lightly; he's seeking out eye contact if she'll meet his gaze. "No, don't. I didn't mean it like that, sweetheart. It's really hard for me to deal with it, the thought of..." He doesn't say it, but he pauses, swallows thickly before going on. "But if there's one thing I've gotten good at after all this time, it's ignoring things that don't make sense or that I don't want to think about when things like this happen. I'm sure you..." Trailing off again, and his thumb strokes against her cheek. "I'm sorry that you worry. That you'll be thinking about this." He's just as quiet, and maybe a little bit sad, but there's no guilt there, unlike in her voice. There's no way there could be any guilt, when he hasn't done anything to produce it.
His thumb is still brushing against her skin, slow and idle, when she clarifies her statement; there's a brief look of realization on his face and he's nodding, just barely -- really, he feels a little foolish that he didn't understand her when she first asked. But quickly, the look shifts into something else -- it's an odd mix, frustration and avoidance. "No, they don't ... they don't write back anymore. But that was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. You remember how I told you I ... you know, kind of went inside?" It's a phrase he's sort of been using in his own thoughts to describe it, and it was only reinforced earlier in the day during his session with Harper. "And I saw the house I used to live in? I found it again. And I went in, and ... found Sam. Talked to him. Not about this but... Next time. If I can."