"So..." Eventually he shoves his hands into the back pockets of his jeans, because they aren't safe free, even if she's mostly covered up in his hoodie. "I've never really ... thought about why I have the problems I do. Where it comes from, I mean. --I mean, I've read a little about it, but I haven't really ... thought about it for myself. Did those notes you went through say anything?" Glancing aside to her then, but just for a second. "Did you read the rest of them?"

There's a few stressful moments of anticipation in which she sort of loses herself in the warmth of his hoodie, surrounded by the scent of him. It was odd to be finding peace from him when he was the one causing her to stress out right beside her. But when he speaks she looks aside to him, brows lifting lightly. Go on.

"I didn't read the resta them. Haven't really... been in the right mindframe tah take it all in. I remember..." She went quiet, a thoughtful gnaw to her bottom lip while looking ahead. It was easier to look ahead while talking about this. "I read things 'bout blackouts. Drinkin'. Bein' reckless." A light smirk, she didn't have to read about that stuff. "Anger issues. A narcissist. I remember mention of yer stepfather a couple times, but I think that's the only thing that really stuck out that was actually in the past."

It was easier to talk about this without looking at her. She's smirking; he's actually laughing a little at the reckless comment, even if it's dry and quiet. When she finishes up though, all the humor is gone from his face, and from his voice when he speaks. "Right... In... In general, this kind of thing, I guess it ... develops, or whatever you want to call it, as sort of ... I don't know, as a way to cope. As a kid's way to cope, with really, really bad sh*t. I don't really remember having a bad childhood," though in his most honest moments with his shrink in Vancouver, he'd admitted to not knowing what childhood means, to not remembering having one at all, "so I didn't ... you know, I really didn't understand where it came from." Lets all that sink in.

Her eyes narrowed in thought, trying to take it all in and process it. She wasn't the best at this subject, understanding the ins and outs of it, but she was obviously trying as she worked it out back to him softly. "A way fer a kid tah cope. With bad sh*t. So yer boys, who make yah black out an' not remember anythin', are a way of handlin' bad stuff." She was quiet, letting that sink in. "An' then... come tah find out yah don't remember yer childhood much at all." Brows rose and now she looked aside at him wanting confirmation she had it right.

"Mhm, right." She can look at him all she wants; he's not returning her gaze, choosing to keep his trained straight ahead. "I mean, there are parts I remember, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I'm missing. I just figured that meant it wasn't anything special." He's lifting his shoulders, rolling them back, maybe working out a little tension. "I don't ... really know how to explain this next part." Bites his lip for a couple of seconds -- gives himself those couple of seconds to actively try to calm himself. "I don't think it'll make sense if I try to explain it the way it happened but... I'm ... missing all that time as a kid because it was really, really bad. Really bad." Very decidedly isn't looking at her now, actually turning his head away from her slightly. "And if I'm actually able to ... get rid of them, then that means I remember everything. I don't know if I want to do that," he's very, very quiet by the end.

A slow nod, listening carefully as he went on. Her head had slowly peeked its way out of the neck of his hoodie, but she was still tightly clutching it to wrap it around herself. She's silent, watching and waiting for him patiently.

The way he's saying really bad. He's not giving any details, but would she want them anyway? What would it help? If it was horrible, bad enough to cause all this, she wasn't sure she could handle the details anyway. Besides, it's not like he remembers, that's the point of all this. By time he finishes and goes silent she's lingered closer to him. Maybe he missed it because he wasn't looking at her, but she unwraps one hand from his hoodie and curls it through the crook of his arm since his hands aren't free. A touch, a bit of comfort. "I'm sorry, Ben. I didn't realize. I... I didn't understand what caused any of it. I didn't realize there mighta been a reason fer it all."

The little he remembers, he wouldn't tell her. It's for him to carry -- and the rest of them. He actually hadn't noticed her moving any closer, and it is a surprise when she touches his arm. It's not quite enough to be a gasp, too quiet for that, but it's a sharper-then-normal inhale, a barely perceptible little shudder in his shoulders, one she'd only be able to notice because she's touching his arm -- and just a little list her way as they continue walking along. How good he's been tonight (at least since he'd calmed enough to leave her house and come to the bar) -- no longing looks, no not-really-innocent touches, no guilt-inducing honesty. But the way he reacts to that touch, even as restrained as the reaction is, it's enough to know that it holds a lot of power over him in it -- a lot of comfort, even if somewhere at the back of his mind, there's something bittersweet to it. "I know. I figured you couldn't have known anything about any of this." It's a one shouldered shrug this time, the arm she isn't holding; he doesn't want to disturb that. "It was going to be hard enough before, you know? I don't know if I have it in me to remember, Jackie. I really don't. I don't want to give up, but ... I'm like this for a reason. Don't know if I should try to mess with that."

The inhale, the shudder, she noticed them. It was impossible not to considering her entire focus was directed at him. They brought along mixed feelings. A warm thought that she could maybe make him feel a little better with a simple touch. And the guilt that she had such sway on him and maybe it was wrong to use it right now. That didn't mean she was removing her hand though. "I understand, darlin'. I mean... it's a matter of tryin' tah fight tah get better, but... if that's the case then what if better ain't, well, better?" Her frown deepened. "But then yah got Sam doin' what he does. Harry doin' what he does. Yah jus' carry on like that?" A serious look up at him. "An' considerin' yer still here, them boys of yers mean no goin' through portals tah get back home."

They were valid questions she was asking; he's nodding along with them -- though her last statement gets a little bit of a grimace. "I think that if this is the conclusion I come to? That better isn't better -- that I'm supposed to stay ... you know, broken," back to the conversation they'd had at the bar, "then Sam will be fine. Haven't heard a thing from him since after the whole thing this morning. Not even now," when, usually, talking to anybody about these kinds of things really worked up a racket in his head. "Not sure what to do about Harry," his turn to frown a little, and then it deepens too. "And I'm not sure what to do about getting back to Adam."

Now it's her turn to nod along in understanding as he spoke. "Well, it ain't gonna be somethin' yer gonna have all the answers to straight from the git. I mean, I guess it jus' means puttin' more thought into it. Readin' up on it more? Talkin' tah someone? I don't know, darlin'. I keep sayin' I don't know nothin' 'bout all this, yer aware. But I'm willin' tah lend mah support, an ear an' shoulder." She was frowning along with him at the mention of Adam. "Somethin' has gotta give."

"Yeah, I ... don't know if I trust the person I was talking to anymore." He does know; he's quite positive that he doesn't, and his hesitation likely gives that away. "I know you don't know." Finally looking over at her then, a small smile in place, it's crooked and fond all at once. "But that means more to me than anything else, what you are doing." The moment doesn't last -- can't last, for more than one reason -- he clears his throat, faces front again. "Something does gotta give. I just don't know what. I really don't." Voice soft by the end. "Just ... what if I do make them go away, and I remember it all, and I make it back to Adam -- but what if I'm totally wrecked? I just don't know. Little boys need their daddies," she's said it before to him, before she knew any of this about him, "but not if they can't even function."

There was a faint blink. "Did they do somethin'?" The words carried a tone that sounded similar to 'whose a*s do I have to kick?'. The edge automatically softens though when he looks at her. Her gaze shifted from his eyes, down to that smile, focusing on his lips. It was at about the same time that she tore her gaze away to look straight ahead. "I gotta try tah do somethin', what lil' I can manage." Said so matter of factly, like he should just know by now. "What it comes down to, Ben, is jus' don't make any rash decisions. I ain't under the impression alla this is goin' to get solved in a day one way or another an' I know yah know it, too. It's gonna take time. But lookit all this. Lookit all the progress yah made in jus' a few days. Jus' figurin' things out." A turn down another road, the one leading to her house. It was coming up so quickly and she actually slowed her pace just a little.

Sort of shrugging at her first question; he decides it's best to not get into that at the moment. This whole conversation was difficult enough, and that one wasn't going to be any easier, if for entirely different reasons. "You know... I know you don't want to hear it, but if it wasn't for the rash decision I made today, I wouldn't know any of this..." He actually manages to sound a little bit ... teasing? smug? Something obnoxious. Smartass. Sobers up right away though, "I know. Time, a lot of time." Time he didn't want to have to wait through, not the way things were now. Missing out on Adam growing up -- missing out on ... something with Jackie, or so he believes. He follows her lead and slows down a little bit too. Doesn't say anything else right away, but he tips his head so his cheek presses lightly to the top of her head for a half a moment. "Thanks for listening. And ... I mean, I'm not trying to presume anything or be out of line, but ... for letting me stay the night?"

She can hear it in his tone and she's giving a tight smirk. He doesn't have to point it out to her, she's reached that conclusion on her own. His stupid plan did something good, apparently. "Yah got lucky, darlin'. A cat has only got so many lives. Jus' keep that in mind next time." A slow nod to the comment about time, her expression going flat again. A far off contemplative look as the house looms closer. The lights were off, so it seemed Chey got tired of waiting to watch movies. The wedding more than likely wore her out. It was the contact of his cheek to her head that drew her back from her trailing thoughts, her gaze lifting to him when he lifted his head. "I toldja I'm always willin' to listen." There was a faint curl to her lips now. "Yeah, we got a guest bedroom with yer name on it. I ain't sendin' you off without a place tah stay. Especially not since I took yer hoodie."

"Sure, one cat's only got nine lives. But I've got a few extra cats, right?" It's a joke -- mildly delivered, and a bad one at that -- but it's still a joke, and if he's doing that, he really must be feeling better. "I'll try not to do anything like that again. Promise," more seriously. Hopefully, he wouldn't get to that point of desperation again.

He notices that the lights are off too, and he can feel his heart in his throat for a couple of beats before she speaks up, brings him back to reality. Reaching over to touch her lightly on the hand she's still got through the crook of his arm -- he wants to curl his fingers around her slender ones, but instead he just sort of pats the back of her hand a couple of times. Even just that contact sends a little buzz through him anyway. "Yeah, you really owe me after taking my hoodie. I guess letting me stay is the least you can do. Lucky I'm letting you off so easy."

There was a scoff at the joke, amazed he made it and even more amazed that she was laughing faintly at it no matter how briefly. "Thank you." She managed to get out and she really was. It was bad enough worrying if one of his boys was going to do something stupid, hurt him somehow, she didn't want to have to fret about Ben as well.