Except from surveillance transcripts in a case where murder is suspected - the victim in question, a psychiatrist named Dr Braintree, was found strangled with his own tie, holding a note exonerating the suspect from all culpability.

TRANSCRIPT:

A knock at the door.

DR BRAINTREE: Come in.

Door opens audibly, and is closed behind the entrant.

DR BRAINTREE: Hello, Roger.

ROGER: Hello, Dr Braintree.

DR BRAINTREE: Hello. Come in.

ROGER: So sorry I'm late.

DR BRAINTREE: That's quite alright. How are you?

ROGER: Yes. I'm very well, thank you.

DR BRAINTREE: Would you like to sit down, or would you prefer to lie?

ROGER: Erm, I'll sit, thank you.

DR BRAINTREE: Right, well, sit right down.

ROGER: Yes.

DR BRAINTREE: Now tell me, how are you, in yourself?

ROGER: Well, I'm, I'm really feeling rather in the pink.

DR BRAINTREE: Oh, this is terrific.

ROGER: Yes. It's funny, really; you know, if anyone had told me that talking to psychiatrists would have, uh, helped me at all, I'd have laughed in their faces.

DR BRAINTREE: Yes.

ROGER: But I can honestly say that our little chats together have, have really been of tremendous benefit to me.

DR BRAINTREE: I'm so glad, Roger. Of course, a lot of people are instinctively very suspicious of psychiatry, and possibly, you know, with reason, but it can help at times.

ROGER: Well, I-I really think it can, because, uh, I've got so much more self-confidence now -

DR BRAINTREE: Yes. Yes, yes.

ROGER: - and I'm much less ... self-conscious in the company of the opposite sex, which, uh, I wasn't, as you know. (laughs)

DR BRAINTREE: You're less inhibited, are you?

ROGER: Ooh, uh ... I should say. (laughs) And, uh -

DR BRAINTREE: Good, this is terrific.

ROGER: And the wonderful thing is, really, about it all, uh ... well, uh ... I'm in love.

DR BRAINTREE: Oh, this is wonderful news, Roger, you're in love. With a woman?

ROGER: Yes.

DR BRAINTREE: Oh, so much the better. That's terrific.

ROGER: You know, it's so wonderful, to be in love. I-I can't tell you the - the absolute joy I have -

DR BRAINTREE: Well, love is a wonderful thing. I've been there myself, it's a wonderful thing.

ROGER: Well, I mean she's ... this girl, this creature, this goddess ... she's so ...

DR BRAINTREE: Yes.

ROGER: ... you know, it's so right. Everything is so wonderful!

DR BRAINTREE: Yes, yes. Yes, you really, you really click together?

ROGER: (pause) Yes. Oh, it's - it's so marvellous, but the only trouble is ... that, um, apart from this wonderful, light-hearted love that I have, I -

DR BRAINTREE: Yes. Yes.

ROGER: - I seem to be saddled with this tremendous burning sense of guilt.

DR BRAINTREE: You have guilt as well as love? Well, this is ... this is ... this is unfortunate, Roger. You know, sex is the most natural, healthy thing in the world. There's no reason at all to have guilt about it. I mean, why would you have guilt about sex? It's a lovely, beautiful thing, Roger.

ROGER: (moving about) Well, it's ... it's not really as simple as that. It's, um, it's rather difficult to explain. Um ... I don't really know where to start.

DR BRAINTREE: Well, begin at the beginning, that's always the best place. Uh, what's the girl's name?

ROGER: (pause) Stephanie.

DR BRAINTREE: Stephanie. That's a lovely name - why, it's my wife's name, in fact, isn't it?

ROGER: (pause) Yes. Yes, it's Stephanie.

DR BRAINTREE: Yes, it's Stephanie.

ROGER: No, it's Stephanie.

DR BRAINTREE: Yes, it's Stephanie, Roger.

ROGER: Yes, it's - it's Stephanie, it's your wife.

DR BRAINTREE: Oh, you're in love with my wife, Stephanie.

ROGER: Yes.

DR BRAINTREE: Well, this is a perfectly understandable thing, Roger. She's a very attractive woman, I married her myself; I don't see why you should feel upset about that.

ROGER: But ... she's in love with me.

DR BRAINTREE: Well, this again is perfectly understandable, Roger. I mean, you're a perfectly attractive human being, as I've told you over the last few weeks. There's nothing repulsive about you, is there? There's no reason why a highly-sexed woman such as Stephanie shouldn't fall in love with you, and I must explain to you, Roger, that I'm a very busy man, I have many, many patients. I rather less of my wife perhaps than I should, and I think it's very understandable that she should seek some kind of companionship outside the marriage. I don't think that's unreasonable.

ROGER: But she's not, she's not seeking anything outside marriage, Dr Braintree, and nor am I. We want to get married!

DR BRAINTREE: Well, this again I think is perfectly, perfectly understandable. I mean, after all, you're two young people in love, you want to manifest your love feelings within the confines of a bourgeois society through marriage. I think this is very appropriate.

ROGER: The awful thing is, you see, I should feel so grateful to you for what you've done for me, and all I can feel is this burning jealousy. I can't bear the thought of you touching her!

DR BRAINTREE: Well, of course you can't. I can understand that. One is tremendously possessive about someone one loves, tremendously possessive. It would be unhealthy not to have this jealousy reaction, Roger.

ROGER: But don't you see, I - I hate you for it!

DR BRAINTREE: Of course you hate me, Roger, of course you do.

ROGER: I hate you for being so near her!

DR BRAINTREE: Yes, of course you hate me, Roger. You love to hate the one who loves the one you hate to love to love the one you hate. This is a very old rule, Roger, there's nothing to feel ashamed about. It's absolutely reasonable.

ROGER: Don't you understand? I want to kill you!

DR BRAINTREE: Of course you want to kill me, because by killing me, Roger, you eradicate the one you hate. This is a perfectly natural reaction, Roger.

ROGER: You're so reasonable, aren't you?!

DR BRAINTREE: Yes, I am.

ROGER: You understand it all so much! You're so logical!

DR BRAINTREE: Yes, I am, it's my job.

ROGER: I'm going to have to kill you now.

DR BRAINTREE: Ah. (pause) Roger, this is a little inconvenient because I have another patient at six thirty, and then there's somebody else at seven after that. I wonder if you could make it some time next week? Could you make it early in the week, say?

ROGER: (pause) When - when do you think?

DR BRAINTREE: How are you fixed on Wednesday morning, say at nine thirty? Would that be convenient?

ROGER: (pause) Uh ... yes, that's perfect.

DR BRAINTREE: Right. Well, um ... if you could pop along at nine thirty and kill me then.

ROGER: Once again, Dr Braintree, I'm amazed, really. I'm so grateful to you for, you know, for showing me the way.

DR BRAINTREE: It's what I'm here for, Roger.

ROGER: Thank you so much.

DR BRAINTREE: Thank you. And with a bit of luck, this should be the last time you need to visit me.

END EXCERPT

((Credit where Credit is due - this excerpt is from a skit performed by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, publicised on the CD The World of Pete & Dud.))