In a rare moment of fiscal irresponsibility, Glenn had stopped by Swann's Stationery and purchased one of the simple, black leather journals he had seen on display. It wasn't the fact that the journal was terribly expensive that made Glenn feel guilty about buying it. It was the fact that here he was, struggling to come up with the money to finally purchase his own store in the Marketplace, having to delay payment on the barn that was being sold to him, having to borrow money from Lydia for a storefront. What had he done, even with all those problems? He'd gone out and spent money on a...luxury. He didn't need the journal. But he wanted it. Wanted it enough that he had bought it on the spot, after a brief conversation with the storekeeper. He had carried it home Saturday, clutched tightly to his chest to protect it from the elements.

There was nothing frilly about the journal. The cover was ebony, the leather skillfully treated and bonded. The pages inside were white and unlined, but Glenn's handwriting was straight and clean enough that it didn't matter. A simple leather loop with a metal clasp was used to close it. Glenn didn't think he would need a lock for it. A good hiding spot would suffice.

The words in the journal were written in perfect cursive, with a emerald fountain pen and blue ink. He signed each of the entries with his name, simply written in cursive as well: Glenn.

Mirror

The mirror is dirty, smudged with something
I can't remove. Not like steam or dust
or dirt. It won't come off
when I wipe it with a wet rag. The image
just blurs further.

It won't show me what I want to see.
It won't show me what I want
others to see. My face, but not
my face. There's two, blending
together, distorting each other.

The eyes, haunted and hunting
for something they can't find
in the glass. They
shift, dark to light, as they sweep
the surface, searching for the true face.

How do I fix it? No cloth will clean it.
To break it brings bad luck.
I'll bury it, deep in the attic
and hope no one looks too closely.
Hope they see what I want them to.

November 30

Gods. November is the worst month in the world for me, and it just got worse. Something blew up in the Marketplace Wednesday, pretty close to where ?A Stitch in Time? is, and a lot of people got hurt and killed. I've been so busy over the last couple of weeks, working on setting up my barn and coming up with project ideas for the winter solstice and making things that I haven't really had time to think about what happened a couple of years ago. When poppa died. I've been working until I was too tired to think about anything but the hammer in my hands, and it was keeping me from thinking about it. Until I found out what happened.

It was different when poppa died. I...was very sick when that happened. I didn't really know what was going on, and by the time I did, there wasn't much I could really do. Besides, I'd already made things worse by that point. And when momma died, part of me was sad, but part of me wasn't. Because she'd been suffering so long, and she hadn't been who she really was for a long time. This explosion, though? It felt like the gods had ripped something out of my body, and cut open my old scars. I didn't really know what to do. It didn't help that I was so busy Wednesday on the farm that I didn't hear about it until the next day.

I ran to Carley's, as fast as I could. Expecting the worst. And, somehow, getting something that wasn't quite as bad. She was alive, although she'd been hurt. And she told me everyone else was alright. I tried to visit Lydia afterwards, but Grem said it wasn't visitor's hours, or something like that. I dropped by Isis Manor, where Erin lives, and Ivy filled me in a little more. And told me where Jake and Erin were. I stopped by there briefly and said my ?hellos? and ?good to see you're alrights,? but Erin looked like she'd been through a lot, so I didn't stay too long. And when I was done, I had this urgent, pressing thought in my mind, and no one to tell it to. I wanted to go back to Carley's place, but...well, that was the thought. I just ended up wandering around the city all night, until I went back to the inn and fell asleep, really, really tired.

I don't know what good would've come out of telling Lydia or Erin, or anybody else for that matter. I guess...people already sort of figured it out anyway. Mercy and Maeve already noticed it. Marc Franco practically claps his hands with glee every time we enter the Inn together. I guess, I worry that I might be projecting old feelings for Haleigh on her. They're sort of similar. They're both short, both outgoing, both blue-eyed (although Haleigh's were darker and purpler). But...I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm overthinking that too much. I think Haleigh was a little less...impish. More like the ?life of the party,? the person who could talk to anyone, who could've chosen anyone (if she hadn't been so short and had different hair color than most of the men and women in Blackbridge) but somehow ended up choosing me.

And I wonder if I'm letting the disaster get to me. For a moment, when I was sick and weak after the pirates attacked and poppa died, Haleigh had come over. We hadn't been together for a while, and there was this moment when I thought ?Maybe she wants to be with me again.? But even in my confusion, I knew somewhere deep inside that it wouldn't work. And I asked her, sort of half-heartedly, and she pretty much said the same thing. It hurt, but it was the best thing for us. Is it the same now?

Carley wrote me a letter and delivered it to me. Thanked me for singing for her and stopping over to visit her. And to say that she was sorry for lying to me. That she said something to me in elvish, and told me it meant one thing when it meant another. That what she said meant that she cared for me, and that she didn't want to lie to me anymore. I think I'm going to stop by tomorrow, and ask her what she means. I'm probably reading way too much into it. Sometimes I wish things were easier for me. Sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking so much.

December 5

I've been reading over some of my old entries, both in this journal and my old one. And it's tough even for me. I don't talk about a lot of stuff, or when I do talk about it, I don't talk about everything. With my first journal, there's a good reason. I was afraid that if anyone found it, and if it fell into the wrong hands, that anything in it might be used against me. Looking back, the chances of that happening weren't all that great, but I had to be careful.

Now, there really isn't a good reason for me to hide stuff, even in this journal. I mean, yeah, hopefully, nobody's going to find this or steal this or read this without me letting them. But even if they did, are my secrets really so bad that I can't talk about them even to myself? I've been able to talk about them to a lot of different people lately. Carley, Lydia, Erin, Maeve. And I talked about them with a lot of people in the past, or they found out, at least. Aunt Kyla, Kathryn, Haleigh, Lothloriel, my parents. And the elves, I think always knew. Why can't I write it down here, where no one is likely to see it? At least, not until I'm dead.

The big secret, the one I always called ?my secret? in all my journal entries so far, is that I'm an elf. I wear this necklace that my poppa bought from the elves he traded with, that basically hides my appearance from just about everybody. Humans, mostly, but also other non-elven races. You know, dwarves, minotaurs, dragons, and various...half-races, among many other things. In RhyDin, some elves can figure it out, and some can't. I met one, Asha, who saw through the necklace right away. And Carley can't really tell at all when I'm wearing it. For the most part, though, most people don't know. To them, I...look human. And I look in the mirror, and I know they're seeing a lie. It's very hard for me to deal with. I want people to see my true face, but I worry. They won't like it. Sometimes, I don't really like it.

Which sort of goes into the other secret I was talking about last time. I guess it was bound to come up sooner or later, and honestly, I sort of wondered why nobody asked about it. My ears. Carley sort of found out about them last night. And yeah, I cried. We...both had a lot of bad stuff happen to our families, and we talked about that. Carley's...the first person in a long time to see them. Aunt Kyla and Kathryn and Haleigh all saw it, and the elves that treated me saw it, but here in RhyDin? She's the first. To know what the pirates really did to me. To my ears. I was scared she was going to hate the fact that they look the way they do, missing the tips. Or that it would hurt her in some way. But...it didn't. She comforted me, listened to me tell my story. Or the part of it I got through before I got too tired to tell anymore. But now, she knows more about me than almost anyone I've ever met. And it isn't nearly as scary as it would've been, as it was when Haleigh first knew my secrets.

I just hope she means it when she says she won't think bad things about me when I tell her the rest of it.

December 16

I just got my journal back yesterday. Left it at the Inn in my haste to leave. Luckily they keep a lost-and-found there, so I was able to find it. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff in there though.

Friday...was about as good as it could've been. Carley and I spent the day going around town. Mostly just shopping and talking and thinking of ideas for gifts for my friends. I think I might buy several of these nice chocolate bars and give them to whatever people I run into over the next few days that I know but don't know too well. I need all the friends I can get, but I don't know how well it would go over if I got them something really nice when I don't really know them. I'm getting Carley and Lydia pretty much the same thing. I'm making them music boxes. Lydia's is probably going to be a little smaller, and it'll probably just have the player inside. Carley's is probably going to be a little bigger, with a little slot on the inside next to the player to store...well, something I guess. And I'm going to steal from the music box I made for someone earlier, and put these flowers on the side of them. I had to spend a little while looking through books at the library to figure out what kind of blue flowers there are that I can actually carve, and I think I'm going with morning glories. The petals are pretty simple, but they're still pretty. All I gotta do is figure out how to get the color right with paint. I usually don't do that too much. And I'm still trying to figure out what song I should use for Carley. Couldn't find the one I wanted.

If Carley hadn't been there Friday, I don't know what I would've done. I know I sort of cheated myself out of what I really needed to do that day, but I'm tired of doing that. I already cried for momma earlier this year, during All Hallow's Eve. And I sort of have been crying about her, along with a bunch of other things, lately. I'm not sure it's fair to lay that all on Carley. I'm so glad she's been around to be my strength, but I don't know that it's fair to her, or to any of the other people I've been leaning on, to lean on them so much. They've got so much stuff they've got to deal with, what with that bomb and getting the Stitch up and running. It isn't fair, that I didn't really tell her why I needed someone around Friday. That that was the day my momma died. And that after the funeral and everything last year, I just...lost it. Went to work, didn't say anything, got off work, and went out and got drunk. Every day, for like 5 days. Until the solstice came, and everything was closed, and Thane came by and rescued me from all that. Carley's been great, but I don't want to drop everything on her. I'm probably going to try and talk to Lydia and Erin pretty soon. The Stitch should be open Monday, so I might stop by towards the end of the day and see them then.

And I still hate the Inn. When I stopped by yesterday, there were all these people here. Lots of people. And I was still a bit skittish and distracted about being around the Inn, even though a lot of my friends and people I knew were there. I talked to Asha for a little bit, and then I went to talk to Carley and Erin, and then I just sort of ran off. Like a spooked horse. I guess I'm still a coward, even if I am finally facing down all these bad things that have happened to me.

December 28

Everyone I know's kind of been sad or mad lately. Lydia left without really telling anybody she was going right away, I guess. I've gotten a couple of letters from her, one saying why she left and one saying where she is.

I haven't really had the chance to talk to anybody about it in too much detail. It happened right around the time I was finishing off my Christmas orders, so I couldn't really do anything right away. Erin was going to be holding some sort of Christmas party, but she ended up calling it off. I can understand why. I think everyone Lydia was friends with wasn't too happy she wasn't here around the holidays.

I wrote her a letter back. I said that I sort of understood why she left, but that I couldn't really fully understand why. And that nobody really could. I mean, there's a similarity in the fact that I left Blackbridge because of all the bad things that happened to me and not having any real family there anymore and all, but Lydia did say she was coming back. And I don't know when I'll head back to Blackbridge, if at all. I mean, I've said it before. I miss my friends there a lot. But I can't see myself just walking back there and fixing everything with my family. Or even my friends. They've had almost a year to figure out how to live without me, although it probably wasn't all that hard, since I really wasn't around all that much when my momma was sick.

I've had bad things happen to me, like Lydia (and Erin and Carley and the rest of the Stitch staff and probably the rest of the world too). But there really isn't anything I can say to make her feel better about Grem. Or that I should even say anything, if I could. I only met him a couple of times, and not for very long, so I don't really know what he's like. And it's not my place at all anyways. And we've had different experiences with relationships, I'm guessing. So what could I possibly say to make it better? Nothing, I don't think.

I'm a little angry that there wasn't any warning, yeah. She was going to start training me with a staff, but I'll get over that, I guess. But I think things are going to be different when she comes back. For everybody that knows her.

My friends gave me some nice things for the holidays. I got an elvish-Common dictionary and some candy from Carley. I got some winter stuff from Lydia: dark blue scarf, cap, and mittens. And a book of poems about dealing with bad stuff that happens in life. Erin got me a nice chisel with this handle that keeps it from slipping out of my grasp, even if my hands get a little bit sweaty. I tried swinging by the Inn on the solstice, but I didn't see anybody I knew there. I just ended up donating all those chocolate bars to the RhyDin Orphange. I hope they found some fair way of distributing the candy; it's probably not a lot for the number of kids they have there. I haven't been all that busy since after the holidays. My hands are starting to hurt from working so hard, and I've been taking it easy since there haven't been too many urgent orders. I should look into volunteering there.

January 7

I finally decide to come back to the Inn, after a long time not going there, and things were busy but pretty good. More or less, I guess. I met a bunch of new people yesterday. I met this guy Wil, who Eless said was engaged to be married to her. That's good. Eless has always been very nice to me when I've come to the Inn, and always remembers my favorite drink (green tea). Wil was a pretty nice guy too. It's good to see people happy together.

Rena was there, and she also introduced me to some of her friends. I briefly met this tall woman, Azjah, but didn't get a chance to talk to her too much. I also met this guy, Peredhil, and we talked a little bit about my shop and woodworking. Rena kept introducing me to people as the ?famous carpenter and woodworker,? and even thinking about it now makes me blush a little bit. Rena's really been a good friend to me. Whenever I see her she makes sure to ask me how the barn is, and I appreciate her introducing me to people, even if I sometimes don't always do well dealing with new people and large crowds and things like that.

It took me a while to realize it, but once I did, it made me look at him funny for a little while. Peredhil's name, if that really is his real name, means ?half-elf? in elvish. I was going to ask him about it, but we both got distracted by things. He was there with Piper, who I've run into a couple of times, and I think she left in a hurry or something like that, and he wasn't too happy about that, I guess? About that time, Lydia came into the Inn. And I haven't seen her for a while, so of course I went over to say hello to her.

I think some of Carley's anger to Lydia rubbed off on me a little bit. I was glad to see her, but of course I'm a little bit angry at her for not being here for the holidays. And of course, I'm angry that she wasn't here to help me start training in staves. I guess the letter I wrote her never arrived, so she doesn't really know how I feel at all, and I kind of told her that I didn't want to talk about it at the Inn. We didn't really get a chance to talk all that much. She had a friend there, this guy named Hawk, and he seemed to be looking out for her or something.

I guess I've been out of the loop somewhat, cause Lydia also told me that Jake got hurt on New Year's. And I just found out about it yesterday. I asked her if he needed any help, but she said everything was pretty much under control. I don't know if I'll go over there or not. I haven't seen them in a while, and it'd be weird I think at this point. I guess I'm not as close to Erin and Jake as I thought, and I don't know why. I think maybe we're just both so busy with everything we do with our lives, that we don't see each other as often as we should. I'm still working on that chair for her to give to Jake, and I should be done sometime at the end of the week. Just got to make sure my hands don't end up killing me first.

Lydia invited me and some other people to follow her and Hawk to Teas'n'Tomes, but by that point, Maeve had shown up, and I hadn't seen her in a while either, so I stayed behind and talked to her until it was really late. She showed me these things that were kind of like picture books, but everything was really shiny and bright and there were a lot more pictures and words, and you had to read them in a special way too. They were kind of interesting though. I should ask to borrow some from her some time. I talked to her a little bit about heroes and stuff like that, since a lot of those books deal with people with magic and things like that. I guess I sort of brought up some tough stuff to talk about, because we ended up spending a lot of time talking about whether or not we had the duty to be heroes and whether it was bad to run away from trouble or fight it. Maeve said I was too hard on myself about things like that, but I still feel like I never do enough to help people. I know people always tell me, what I do is special too, but I wish I had some of the skills that other people have, to help people out more directly with problems. I think it was good to talk about that though.

And then she started asking me questions about me and Carley. Like, if Carley was my girlfriend, or something like that. I don't like talking about personal stuff like that usually, and I didn't go into too much detail, but Maeve's...she's good at putting people at ease. Most people I don't think like hearing stories about people in relationships or whatever, but for whatever reason, she was interested in it. But yeah, I told her ?yes?, although I guess I should've probably talked to Carley about that before I said that to Maeve. She said that love is the sort of thing that she thinks people should talk about more, since it seems like such a good thing to her. I want to write and sing about it more, but I worry that I don't have the skill to do that sort of thing. My hand's starting to cramp up from writing too much, so I better stop.

January 26

I really don't even know where to begin. I would've written this yesterday, but I wasn't really up for it until today. My right hand got hurt again, my writing hand. And healed yesterday. But that's only part of the story.

First, I got a letter back from Lydia, a couple of days after the one that I sent her. I guess I was too hopeful that I could really fix anything with anything I wrote. I guess sometimes things just happen and there's nothing you can really do to fix them, make them the way they used to be. Lydia said she still sees me as a friend, but I think it's different now. Maybe weaker. It sort of reminds me of an old saying we had: ?We learned a lesson but the damage is done.? Or something like that, I don't really remember it exactly. But sometimes we learn things only by screwing up badly, and what we learn is important, but we lose a lot in the process.

But it gets worse. I found out Wednesday that Lydia's been hurt. Really bad. Like, she could die. I went to see her but she wasn't awake, and she looked really bad, like she wasn't doing too well. I guess the damage really is done. Carley's really taking it badly. She thinks she did something really bad. Carley, I think, really worries that she'll never get a chance to say she's sorry.

And then I went to the Inn the next day, and ended up getting hurt too. I was introducing myself to this elf guy I'd spotted around, and I'd barely started talking to him when this pirate I've seen a couple of times before just pulls out a gun and shoots it at someone. He missed the other guy, but hit my mug, and it shattered all over my right hand. I was already kind of nervous about the pirate being there, and this just made it worse. There was this really big guy there who was standing up for me, and this other guy I saw a while back who'd fired a gun in the Inn at somebody who also helped me. I think his name was Al, or at least I think I heard somebody call him that. And Jewell was there too, and she slapped the pirate. But I sort of just fell to the floor and curled up into a ball, and it took me a while to realize my hand was cut up. That was about when Carley and Erin and Jake came in. Al cleaned and bandaged up my hand, and Erin and Jake talked to me. And Carley? She held my good hand and talked to me in elvish and relaxed me. Erin gave Carley and me a key to her room at the Inn, because Carley didn't think it was good for me to walk all the way back to the barn. I don't really like the Inn, but it was a good move.

Carley stayed in the room all night and watched me sleep. I didn't sleep very well. My hand hurt a little bit, but it was more the fact that I kept having bad dreams about pirates and I kept waking up really fast. And Carley would come over and whisper quietly in my ear and hold me until I went back to sleep again. I felt like I was a little kid, and it also reminded me of when I would take care of my momma when she was really sick. I'd watch her sleep sometimes, and just feel really sad. I wonder if Carley was sad too. Carley's...really good to me and good for me, and I hate it when she's sad.

But yeah, I got my hand healed yesterday, good as new. Have a poem in my head but I can't seem to find the time to write it down. And I've got some other stuff I got to do to catch up on what I missed yesterday, so I got to stop writing now.

February 9

I ran into Lydia Wednesday at the Teas'N'Tomes. I'd heard she'd gotten better, and I was happy about that, but I hadn't gone to see her yet. I'd blame it on me having been sick earlier, but that's not really a good excuse. I was scared of what might happen or what she might say. But we worked things out. I guess she wasn't as angry at me as I thought, and she thought I was really angry at her. I was kind of angry at her, but not anymore. I was really scared that she was going to die and I wouldn't have a chance to make things better with her. Life is really too short for me to hold a grudge that long, especially when a lot of other people have let it go. I told Lydia I was afraid she wouldn't want to be as close a friend to me as we were, but she said that she did, and that makes me happy. I want things to be the way they were, or as close as we can get them, and I think since that's what we both want, it'll end up working out alright.

I think I'm going to start training with Lydia in staffs, since she's pretty good with those. She suggested I go see someone she knows, named Kacey. She knows how to make staffs well, Lydia said, and she even made one for Lydia as a gift. I did go with her over to watch some of the fights in the Outback. Never really noticed it, even though it's right behind the Red Dragon Inn. Watched some of the fights, talked to Lydia a bit, and also talked to Jake and Erin and Hodge, who I haven't really seen in a long time. Lydia accidentally kicked a boot off and it flew over and hit me in the face. Bruised my eye, but the healer took care of that alright the next day. I stopped by Jake's place, because he said I should stop by and grab a steak and put it on my eye. Jake's a really good guy. I think we're going to go fishing when the weather gets better.

I met this weird-looking guy, Nova, while I was there. I'm not really sure what to think of him. I mean, Carley got really mad at him because I guess he was kind of being a jerk, but he was really nice to me when I got hit by that boot. Got me a cloth and ice and everything. I guess I should talk to Carley about that.

I ended up running into him, and everyone else again yesterday. There's all kinds of fashion stuff going on, and the Stitch decided to put on their own show. They had an after party at this Great Helm Tavern place, which I'd also never really been to. I'm not very comfortable with fashion stuff, though, but it was alright. Nova was kind of being obnoxious, which I guess is pretty much what he's good at. And being really fast. Hodge and Lydia and Erin were also there. I think things are starting to get back to normal, or close to normal. That's good. I thought they were kind of screwed up, but I think they're going to be better.

I guess I'm not going to get to vote in the governor's election. None of the stuff made it back to Blackbridge in time. I'm not sure who I would've voted for, but I would've made up my mind and voted, if I could have. Now I can't. I guess there's always next year.

February 28

Not too much going on really. Carley got into a fight with some other elvish woman about a week and a half ago and got beat up. She's had to wear really nice clothes because of that, I guess. I didn't really see too much of her that week. Me and Carley also got into a fight about gods. I believe in them, she doesn't. We ended up making up, but I get the feeling it's not really over. I don't know that I really believe what I said to her, that it doesn't matter what she believes. It still kind of hurts that she doesn't believe in any gods. I wish she believed in something. I tried to talk to Lydia about it a little bit, but I don't think I said things the way I should've, and I don't think she really wants to talk about stuff like that. I don't blame her, I guess. I never really talked all that much about Haleigh after that happened.

Other than that, life's been alright. I've been keeping busy, not really going out all that much. Running into some new people, but the way things are here, I probably won't ever see them again. Some girl named Ali who kept talking about something called ?punk rock.? And another elf, named Seliandre Fylear Valdalerion. He wore really nice clothes and saw through the necklace right away. And talked kind of weird. A lot of elvish too. I tried to talk elvish to him, but I'm really bad at it. Maybe I'll see him again, but I kind of doubt it. Like I said, people tend to just leave here for no good reason whenever.

Speaking of leaving, I'll probably be heading up north to Jenli for a couple of weeks starting Monday. I'm going to bring some of my smaller projects, my music boxes and things like that, and trade them for some goods up there. Hopefully some new stuff that I can sell at my store. It'll almost be like the old store and the elvish furniture. I wonder how Thane's doing with that...

March 30

This is really the first free moment I've had in a while. Didn't have any time to write on vacation or when I came back from vacation. Things are finally a little slower, and I can take a break.

Mount Yasuo and Jenli were really neat. I spent a lot of the first week there buying and selling stuff. I ended up spending my second week there helping them repair some buildings up there. It was worth it though. I didn't end up buying anything to sell here, but I got some things they use to divide their rooms into rooms, without using walls, for my barn. So I spent this last week putting all that stuff in the half of the barn I live in, on top of all the other work I did. Last week I had to catch up on all the stuff I had left to do when I left.

I've never seen mountains before, and there were a lot of them there. There was this group of people there at the same inn I was at, who apparently were going to climb a bunch of them, and they said that some of the mountains were so tall that the snow never melted off of them. I also visited two of the towers, the Tower of Courtesy and Harmony. Really neat, and really peaceful. I think Carley thinks I really didn't take much of a vacation though, but I got a lot done while I was there. I am still a little tired though.

I sent everyone postcards, and I got some gifts too, though I've only given Carley her gift yet. A light blue kimono I bought off this traveling salesman there. Carley seemed to think I wouldn't be very good at haggling. I can do it when I want to, I just don't like to. I've been too busy to stop by the Stitch and get Erin and Lydia their gifts. I got them both some really good green tea I bought up there. It doesn't feel like it's been that long, but I haven't seen a lot of my friends in a long time. I stopped by the Inn a while ago, and I saw Asha. I guess it's kind of been hard for her lately. The box is doing alright, she said, but I guess at some point she was married, and now she's a widow, and the anniversary of her husband's death is coming up. It was kind of an awkward conversation, even before that, but I hope that we came out of it a little closer, and that we can be friends someday. We don't see each other all that often, but I think we both are very busy. I hope we can find some time to see each other though.

I have a busy day tomorrow, so I better stop writing now and get to bed, so I'm not so tired in the morning.

May 9

Haven't written here in a while. Good sign, right? I think I've just been too busy, really. Plenty of stuff has happened to me, I just haven't written about it. A couple of weeks ago, the Nexus got me and dropped me into the Inn while I was sleeping. Without my necklace. It was really, really bad. I saw some people I knew, but everyone who saw me would've been able to see me the way I really am. Which is really scary. Maeve was really nice to me. And Carley stopped by and helped me. Calmed me down a little bit. Got me a room.

As it turned out, it was Lydia's room. The less I write about that, the better. I should've talked to Carley about it, but I haven't yet. I did talk to her about G...G spanking her. I tried to talk to G about it before, but he wouldn't listen. I told Carley that hitting people wasn't how adults solved problems. She-I guess she wants to hit Jake. For breaking up with Erin. For what was a really stupid reason, I guess. I was kind of friends with Jake, but I'm probably closer friends with Erin than Jake, and it sounds like to me that Jake really screwed up. So I probably won't ever talk to him again. I haven't seen him in a while anyway. Probably because I hardly ever go to the Inn. But Carley, I guess, was really happy that I went to G and told him all that.

Lydia still thinks I'm working too hard. I told her I really don't know what else to do. I told her that I get lonely and bored. And I do. I never really had a lot of friends back home, probably the same amount I have here. But there's one thing that's different. I work by myself a lot. There's no one else in the barn with me, most of the time. And it's really hard to get back into the city to get to see people. I wish-I really wish I had my poppa or Thane here, working with me. I miss them a lot. I don't know what to do, though. I don't know if there's anybody else I could hire. I don't really have very many hobbies.

I...really don't know what to do. About a lot of things. Lydia and Carley are only so helpful at giving advice. I don't know who else to turn to, though...I guess I don't sound quite as happy as I thought I was. Oh well. I'll figure it out someday.

June 17

I'm writing this as I sit in bed, with Lydia's cat sleeping peacefully at my feet. Lydia brought Mellon by the other day, and he's been staying here, pretty much with the run of the place. The barn cats are outside, so they don't bother him too much.

It's been bad lately, for my friends. Haven't seen as much of Erin as I'm used to. It seems like I meet people every once in a while, then never really see them again. I look back at my old entries and I don't recognize some of the names anymore, and I'm usually pretty good with names and faces.

Carley came over two weeks ago, in the middle of the night, all beat-up and bruised from the duels. And crying. I helped her clean up a little, and she told me she was really crying because she had just found out that day that Lydia had been attacked by a werewolf. And might turn into one. And that she'd been missing work and hadn't told anyone why, or that she'd been attacked. I think what made her really sad was the fact that it kind of just made her realize that nobody really tells anybody anything anymore. I felt bad because I know I've always worked really hard, sometimes too hard. And that I wasn't there before when Carley had gotten hurt in the duels by...Koyliak, I think, was her name. But Carley asked if she could sleep over, and I said yes. It's been a long time since I've had someone fall asleep next to me. Since Haleigh. It was good. And weird. I couldn't help but think of Haleigh, even though I care for Carley a lot and don't care for Haleigh the way I used to. I guess it's not something you can ever really get rid of entirely. It's still there, but I wouldn't want to go back to her, even if I could.

It was a couple days after that that I realized I'd forgotten about our six month anniversary. December 1. I wanted to get her something, and I think I still am, but I'm not really sure what. I think I might go get her a Claddagh ring like mine. And start wearing mine again, and get rid of Haleigh's inscription on it. Or maybe I should get something else instead to wear. I don't know.

I'm feeling kind of tired, so I think I'll write about the conversation me and Lydia had tomorrow sometime.

July 14

I miss Carley a lot more than I thought I would. When I talked to Carley before she went on vacation, I wasn't really sure what I'd felt, until we'd been talking a while. The words just came out of my mouth, before I even knew what I was saying. ?I'm going to miss you.?

I hate that I lied to her. I hate that I spent most of the last week without her here working. I promised her I wasn't going to work as hard while she was gone but I did anyways, because I didn't know what else to do. I'm stupid like that, I guess. I guess I hate that I've been trying to change so many things about myself, but can't seem to make myself do the things I say I'm going to do. Or that I should do.

I left work a little early today and went down to the glen, one of the few places I can really be myself. I sat near the lake and sketched out ideas for poems I'll probably never write, and then I started to try writing this journal entry. There were a couple of, I guess, fairies or something, flying around and playing. They wanted me to play with them too, but I told them I wasn't really in the mood. They kept bugging me and I kept saying no and they eventually flew off, angry I think.

I guess I should've gone along with what they wanted, because now I'm just alone.

I forgot to mention this earlier, so I'm tacking this on at the end. Lydia's fine. Everything's fine. More or less, you know?

July 29

Finally getting a chance to just sit down and relax and kind of go over things in my head again. I'm kind of playing catch up with all the stuff that I missed previously, so be patient, alright?

First, I guess...I didn't really talk about the letters Carley wrote me? I didn't write her any back, because I figured they'd get there when she was back here. She wrote me once from Cadentia, complaining about her cousin. But I guess Cythia liked the jewelry box I made. Carley wrote again from some other place called Aviana, talking about these pegasi, these like flying horses or something. And how much she liked them and gryphons and a whole bunch of other things there. It really made me miss her more.

And when she came back? Well, I think we both really happy to be together again. I felt a little guilty because I hadn't gotten her what I was thinking of getting her, and because she got me something. A ring made entirely out of jade, really smooth and really shiny. I've been wearing it on my right ring finger, when I haven't been working (so, not very often now). But yeah, I don't really know all the specifics of what happened, besides the fact that she went to Cadentia and Aviana and saw her cousin and gryphons and pegasi, but I think whatever it was that she did made her much better, because she seems a lot happier now. And it was good to spend time with her this week, even if most of the time I ended up just eating something small and going straight to bed. I worked really hard on that banister for Lirssa.

There were a couple of boys and this one girl who pretty much followed me around the whole time, but it was...nice to have kids around. I mean, they helped me with grabbing tools from my box and getting me food and water when I needed it, things like that. And I showed them some small things, like how to hammer a nail and sand wood. I also ran into another guy who does stuff sort of like I do. Johnny. I've seen him once or twice before, I think, when I randomly dropped in the Inn, but I hadn't really talked to him much other than to order drinks from him. But he seems like a really nice guy. And I guess he does jewelery stuff, too, besides all the metalwork he was doing for Lirssa. When I find the time, I might ask him about the claddagh ring I have? See what he can do. Don't know if I want to wear another ring or not though...

My birthday's coming up, and...I guess I need to do some thinking about some things. That tends to be what I do on my birthday. Think over all the stuff that's happened to me, and try to figure out what to do next. I'm pretty happy with things the way they are, and I'm working to fix what I can. I just have to remember not to think about the things that I can't fix, even though I really want to fix them.

September 15

I wonder why I'm so alone sometimes, and then I do stupid things like I did last week. Lydia came over and tried to bridge the gap between us, because we hadn't seen each other in so long. I mean, yeah, it was the middle of the night and I was sleeping, but- I guess I should've just sent her home, and dealt with it later. I don't know if it would've been better if I'd been more awake, but it couldn't have gone any worse.

I've been doing the same things I always do, and I don't even have a good reason for it. I'm happy. My life's pretty good, if a little lonely sometimes. But it's probably lonely because I don't try as much as I should. I say I'm going to change, I'm going to be more honest, more open, work less, but I don't do it. And when someone comes over to fix it, maybe tell me ?Hey, we promised we wouldn't do this, and we'd help each other if we did this again,? I just go back to the old behaviors. I brush it off, I ignore it, I talk in circles. I don't face the problem.

But really, it's none of my business. She thinks I'm mad because we haven't seen each other a lot lately. Because we've been busy with whatever. I did nothing to tell her that wasn't why. I just let her believe it, and didn't do anything to fix it. I guess I could've. I could've kept talking. But I didn't want to. I just wanted to go to bed, avoid the problem, wake up and hopefully forget it.

There really isn't a good way to say the things I want to say, about her new relationship and her old ones. It's not really any of my business. She's an adult, and she can do whatever she wants. I can worry all I want, wonder if it's a good idea to go into and out of relationships so fast, but it's her life. It's her decisions. I can't stop her from making them, and it isn't my place to say ?Hey, you shouldn't do that. You should do this.? Because we all screw up, in all parts of our lives, even the ones that are private, and all you can really do is be there to support them when things go wrong.

But I guess I wasn't there for that, was I? I wasn't even told about that. Nevermind.

January 29, 2010 R.S.C.

I had to look at the R.S.C calendar I hung on the wall of my room to figure out what day it was. I've got a R.S.C calendar, a Gregorian calendar, Julian calendar, Sygilian calendar, something from Mount Yasuo that kind of looks like a calendar, all of them hanging on my wall. It takes up a lot of space.

I do this because I don't ever really know what day it is. Or what time it is, which is why I've got three alarm clocks (one that runs on electricity, one that's wind-up, and something that runs with water and pebbles and a little gong) and two watches. Sometimes a day just seems to fly by like an hour, and sometimes it feels like it's taking a week to get through. And I still have these times when I'm doing something and I stop doing it and I don't even realize I've stopped until I come back to my senses and somebody's staring at me.

I don't know if writing in this thing can help me get a better grasp of what I've called, for lack of an easy-to-say term, ?time-sickness?, or if I just have some things that I need to say again. In Sygil time I guess I got through a couple of years of school there before I headed back here to RhyDin, and I'm kind of trying to figure out why I went there and not somewhere else.

I can't go back to Blackbridge, for obvious reasons. I had some old furniture I made and didn't sell before I closed my store down in storage, so it was pretty easy for me to pull that out, rent a little garage in Dragon's Gate, get all the stuff moved in, and get started again. I was doing it a little in Sygil, but not as much as I used to because I had to study and go to classes and do other stuff. I'm supposed to be taking correspondence courses and doing some research on Nexial microruptures, but I don't really know what'll happen with the classes and the research is pretty much me just waving a wand Professor Stilzkinjormer gave me in the Inn and everything goes to him magically. So I think I'll be alright.

I got a few people I got to see, but I don't know if they're all around still. Or if any of them are around. Lirssa's still here, and so's the High Spires house which I worked on a while back. If things're going alright, I might ask a couple of the kids who helped me out then to come by and help me out again, and maybe take on an apprentice or two.

Trust me when I say there's a reason that I came back here and a reason I left Sygil, but it's a really long story and I've got to go to bed really soon. If I can find some free time maybe I'll write it down and think about it more, but I got a dining room set to start work on tomorrow bright and early.

February 25, 2010 R.S.C.

I don't sleep much these days. I didn't sleep much in school either, but this goes beyond that. And it's not even the fact that I have more on my plate than I did when I was in school. I 've kind of pushed my studies, the research I've been doing, to the side. I do the smallest amount I can do to not fall so far behind I'll never get it done, but it's not good. Looking for microruptures in my room is only so effective. I know that I should be going down into the Inn but I haven't really felt like dealing with all the people I don't know. Or running into the few people left that I think are around that I do know. That'd be worse.

No, I work in my shop until my hands hurt too much to work anymore, and then I try to find something to kill the pain and keep me awake so I can keep working. I don't do it for the money. I do it to keep busy, to keep myself from thinking.

Thane and I've been sending letters back and forth, and I really shouldn't be surprised to hear this, but Haleigh and Murph're getting married. I told Thane he should go, even if he felt like it might betray me. It's been way too long since I've had any right to have any say in what she does, or even what Thane does. Too many years have gone by, and we're all very very different people now. I wish I could say better, but I think different's about all you can really say.

Carley's friend sent me 20 silvers for my book. Carley also sent me money. I haven't decided what I'm going to do with the extra coins. Getting drunk works against me getting work done. Twenty silvers isn't really enough to buy too much supplies though. I guess I'll just let it sit in my desk and gather dust until I can think of something to do with it.

April 1, 2010 R.S.C.

This is apparently Fool's Day. There's a lot of people playing jokes on each other, but no one hates me or likes me enough to play jokes on me. Or maybe they hate me in a way that's different than that. Is it good or bad, better or worse, that the people who hate me don't even bother to try to get back at me? I'm either not worth their time, or they don't even want to get near enough to me to see me humiliated. Or they've gone too far away, or I've gone too far away.

Finished and delivered Everett's desk to him a couple of days ago. Probably the most interesting thing I've worked on since I've got back to RhyDin. Didn't really have time to do complicated stuff in Sygil, and a lot of the stuff I have out on the floor isn't very tricky to make either. I don't do a lot of secretary desks, so it took a bit longer to remember how everything goes together, but once I remembered it wasn't too tough. I also had to remember how to put in a secret drawer. That's one of those things I don't get a chance to do very often, and I don't know how useful it is, but it seemed to be something interesting to him so I did it.

There was this weird guy from Star's End milling around Rue des Farfadets the other day, trying to get people to buy this stuff called Betas. He had reflective eyes, like they were made out of mirrors or metal or something, without any pupils, and one of his hands was made out of some kind of gray metal too. And he wore these really ugly shimmery red pants. Most everybody looked at this guy like he was the village idiot or drunk, but he just kept telling people this stuff would make them work harder, work better, work faster, and that all the guys unloading cargo off of space freighters at the Star's End Spaceport used this stuff. Sounds kind of suspicious to me. I'm sort of surprised no one tried to run him off. People here seem to tolerate me, even though I don't speak French, but I'm closer to what they're used to than some guy from the future trying to sell drugs. He got the message after a few minutes that no one was interested, and left on his own. That's really been about the only excitement we've had here lately. It's not a perfectly peaceful place by any means, but a lot of the craziness you run into at the Inn and elsewhere doesn't really happen here. It's nice. I should try to find an apartment here.

The charade is over. All the doctors and nurses and everyone else who?s seen me for whatever reason while I?ve been sick here at Redmond Clinic knows I?m an elf.

I say it?s over because it?s the first time I haven?t told people. It?s the first time that I can remember that I?ve met people who only know me as an elf, who don?t know about the charade, who don?t care that I?m an elf or that I was pretending to be human. They look at the ears, and see some sort of medical history or whatever. I don?t know.

I think that I?ve spent so much of my life using that to define what I am that I don?t know what to do when someone doesn?t have?whatever you call that. And when you were the one who controlled that information, it gave you power. It was a way to separate friends from acquaintances, a way to let them inside and keep them out. To have that taken from me, and then to have it seem like no real big deal, it?s?odd. Maybe I should be angry, or feel violated, or something like that. I don?t know what I feel.

Maybe I?m just now realizing how much of my life, or who I was, or whatever, was built into this charade. It was necessary in Blackbridge, but it wasn?t necessary in RhyDin or Sygil, but I did it anyways for a while. I kept it up pretty well in RhyDin, except for a handful of people, and even had it going for a little while in Sygil before the magical nature of that place sort of defeated the purpose of it. I don?t know; I kind of think about Sygil now and wonder if my hiding what I really was made people trust me less. Maybe it did that in RhyDin too.

It could just be almost nearly dying again that?s doing this, but it feels like I?m just now realizing how much this might have held me back, prevented me from growing, prevented me from moving on from all the bad stuff that happened when I was younger and bad stuff that happened in RhyDin and Sygil. I could blame it on the charade.

I could keep it up, but the more people who know the harder it is, and I?m not sure I get anything out of it anymore. It?s stressful, I can control my magic well enough that I don?t need the necklace and the side effect of the charade, and?I always told people I wanted to be an elf. I wanted to be known as an elf. I wanted to learn more about what that might be ? the language, the culture, all that stuff. But by not appearing at first glance as elvish to people I meet, I?m?not really working toward that, am I?

And really, I do want to be seen as an elf first. It didn?t really matter in Sygil, it doesn?t matter in RhyDin, and I?m just tired?of pretending, I guess.

I finally went back to work today, with my ?old man walker? ? at least, that?s what one of the kids pointing and laughing at me on the street called it. I really couldn?t say anything to him at the time, and I probably couldn?t now. Sometimes, I feel a lot older than I should feel.

Oc?ane, Giselle, and Olivie had a bunch of people from the neighborhood in my shop to welcome me home, with a big banner that said Welcome Back Glenn! and a yell of "Surprise!" when I unlocked my door. I pretended to be glad to see them, ate the piece of cake they offered me, but I was?indifferent, I guess? I don?t feel like I did anything worth celebrating: I got shot, got crippled, spent a lot of time trying to get back to some sort of shape where I could work, and now I had to pretend to be happy to see people when all I wanted was to just work.

Olivie kept introducing me to people as the person who saved her life, and I didn?t have the heart to correct her in front of everybody. I didn?t do anything that great. She also introduced me to the person who saved my life, Alexis Laflamme, who?s in charge of the militia or local government or something important around here I didn?t quite remember. I thanked her for saving my life and she told me not to worry about it, that she was sure I would have done the same if the tables were turned. Again, I didn?t have the heart to tell her that I wasn?t sure if that was true or not.

I?ve been thinking a lot about barrier magic. Runes, wards, glyphs, armor, things like that. I?ve written some letters to some of my professors and colleagues and friends in Sygil and I?ve done some research at the local library, but there?s not much there for someone like me. It?d be good if I was a layman, but I need more than basics. I need detailed spells, I need component lists, I need ideas. And I?m not going to get them out of basics. If I went to one of the schools in town, I?d be able to do it there. I gotta figure out if there?s a way I can do this in Sygil. I wonder if I should do some time manipulation and study there for a bit. The farfadets can take care of things at the store for a while. Long-term, I need to protect the store. Maybe the neighborhood.

What I?m really interested in is golem research. And that?s way too complicated for layman. I?ll need serious research to figure out what components work, how to get the ?tincelle de vie, how to make sure I don?t lose control of it. That?s what I need.

December 27, 2011 R.S.C.

It?s a bit early for when most people here celebrate the New Year?s, but I think it?s good to get a head start. I mean, if I decide to change a bit earlier than the first day of the year, isn?t that good? I think head starts are good.

Anyways, I think I?m going to start working less, and having fun more. Find some hobbies, maybe make those people I know into friends. I?ve met a lot of people since I got shot, but I?ve not given back to them what they?ve given to me. They?ve showered me with their friendship and sympathy and affection, and they want to be my friend, and I just work. I?m not really living.

It?s worth repeating. I?m not really living. I mean, I?ve seen so many things, here, in Blackbridge, in Sygil, and all the other places I got sent to. But what?s the good of knowing all that stuff, having all that in your head, if you never tell anyone about it? If you keep it all bottled up? There?s bad, yes, but there?s so much good that I?ve seen, so much that is interesting and beautiful and wonderful that I think other people would want to hear about. I work to make things for people to buy, but I?m really still very selfish.

So yeah, it?s time to get out there and work less, play more, live more, maybe love more even. I?ve got a long time to live, if I actually go out there and live. I may have seen a lot, but there?s so much more left to see and to do, but I can?t see and do it if I don?t get out of the shop every once in a while.

I don?t write in here very much, but I think I still use this journal as a crutch, as a last-ditch thing to do when I have absolutely nothing else to do in my shop or at home or wherever. Instead of going out and meeting people or whatever, I write in here. I think?I need to put this aside for a while. Maybe forever. Probably not, but I think it doesn?t help me anymore.

Really, I should probably just toss it in a fire or something, burn it, so no one reads it, but I?m not that strong yet. So if you?re reading this like a hundred or five hundred or a thousand years later, because I didn?t burn it or my wife or child or grand-child or best friend or whoever didn?t, I think my message to you is to put it down. Not because what?s in here is too personal, but because it?s not going to make you happy, it?s not really going to help you live the way you should live. In the scheme of things, I know I?m not important, and there?s nothing new you can learn in here that you couldn?t learn by smelling a flower, walking hand-in-hand with a lover, baking bread, or reading to a child. Or any other number of things with people around. Go. Live. Hopefully, I will have followed my own advice.