So I went out and bought this journal today. I figured it was just about high time that I started writing some thoughts down. God knows I keep enough crap running through my head to write a novel somewhere in the neighborhood of War and Peace.

God, where do I even begin? Well, for one thing, I have got to hurry up and get my own place. I've been living here in the inn for way too long now. I've got to get going with my life and make something of myself. Even if it's just a small apartment somewhere, I've got to get out of here.

When I do get me a place, I've got to get a piano.

I haven't played a piano in so damn long, I'm actually pretty upset for letting myself go for so long without touching one. I'm not sure how folks would react if they knew I played piano. I've got my guitar, but sometimes, I feel like hearing something different. I'm not half bad with a piano. I've got some words I need to put music to, and it'll only sound right with a piano.

I've got to find me some steady work too. I can do damn near anything when it comes to physical work. I just got through herding up some steers for Jake Duncan a few days ago. That job just about beat me down, but we got through with it. I've got to find something that lasts more than a day or two.

I saw Cassie tonight, and I saw her with some dude that wasn't Alain. When I saw them, they were hugging, and I just kinda stopped, just thinking to myself, "what the hell?". But the guy was probably just an old friend of hers. She's a popular girl.

She's a beautiful girl, too. Beautiful in so many ways...

It just ain't right.

What do I have to do to get Cassie to notice I'm still around? Me and her used to be such good friends, but she barely acknowledges me anymore. I don't know, maybe I'm coming across as hoping that she can someday be more than one of my best friends. It's not like I'm trying to make that public or anything.

Do I like the girl? Hell yes, I do.

Does it feel like a knife through the gut every time I see her and Alain together? Hell yes, it does.

But I can't let her know it. I absolutely can't.

Maybe she's already picked up that vibe from me, and she's trying to stay the hell away from me. Couldn't blame her if that was the case. I'd stay the hell away from me too.

But how long am I supposed to just sit here and be miserable? Why can't I take a chance, and see if there really might be anything between me and her? Why not just go for it, lay it all out for her, and see what happens? I've never been scared before, so why start now?

I still think about the night me and her shared a bed together, and it still makes me smile.

I need to write her a letter. I'm so bad with speaking, mainly because of this damned accent. I sound so uneducated.

Maybe someday, Cassie..

October 10

Life is simply amazing...

Like I wrote early this morning, I didn't sleep a damn wink last night. My head has been so messed up.. (I know, what else is new..) ..mainly because of this obsession I've had for a woman that's in the middle of a relationship with somebody else.

Today, I learned the difference between lust and love. After all these years, it's about time, huh?

A little while after I wrote today's first entry, I put my shirt on and stumbled downstairs to find something to drink, just trying to get myself woke up a little bit. I was kinda happy that the place was nice and quiet.

But I did see somebody down there when I got about halfway down the stairs.

Charlotte was down there, sitting at the bar.

I haven't wrote about Charlotte yet....mainly because that was a chapter of my life that I wasn't ready to bring up yet.

Charlotte, quite simply, is the love of my life. Me and her were best friends before we ever fell in love. When we first met, she was with Brian Ravenlock, who she ended up marrying. I ended up marrying Rosie O'Dell on an impulse...which probably explains why I ran out on her as quick as I did. I do still care about her, even though she passed away, and I sorely regret doing her the wrong that I did.

Anyway, back to Charlotte, her and Brian ended up divorcing around the time their daughter, Elena, was born. To make a long story short, me and Charlotte found each other during a very lonely time in both of our lives. We figured it was time to see if there was anything more to our relationship than just friendship, and there was. We fell in love, and we fell hard. We got married, and we instantly had three kids to take care of. In addition to raising Elena, she'd adopted a son named Aiden. I was given custody of my son, Thomas, and we all became a family.

Not long after, Charlotte told me that she was expecting once again. Me and her created a child of our own, and nine months later, Megan Rain Steele came into the world. There was just something different about having a child that was of both of our blood. She was our creation.

Time passed, and we began drifting apart. Our marriage hit hard times, like all marriages do, but I wasn't man enough to stay the course. I did the same thing I always do when times get hard.

I left.

What goes through my head when I make these decisions, I swear I'll never know. Me and Charlotte split up, and the kids ended up staying with her. That turned out to be a blessing. What in the hell would I have done trying to raise kids on my own when I can barely take care of myself?

Within my first couple of nights away from her, I had a one night stand with a woman by the name of Chiana Vitrano. I figured I wasn't ever going to be back in Charlotte's life, so I might as well get to moving on with my life. So I did what I did, and as it turned out, we did attempt to work things out a little later on.

But unfortunately, she knew what I did with Chiana. I'm not sure if Charlotte knew her name, but she knew that I slept with another woman while I was away from her. She couldn't get that out of her head, and we both decided that the damage which had been done to our marriage was irreparable.

So that was that. It was over. Finished for good. I had no chance in hell of getting back the family that I lost.

I went through a period of complete indifference. What the hell did I need her for? I was free to go out, drink every night, chase as many skirts as I wanted, and do whatever the hell made me happy.

That kind of happiness only lasts so long.

There came a certain morning, and I couldn't even tell you how long ago it was, when I crawled out of the bed and thought to myself, "What in the hell am I going to do with the rest of my life?" I was dead to the woman that I loved, as far as she was concerned. She wanted nothing to do with me. At first, she had a hard time with the idea of letting me around my kids, but she eventually relented there.

When you've had a taste of a life that involves having a beautiful home to come to every night, with a wife and four kids who think the world revolves around you, going back to the raising hell way of life gets real old real quick.

I never admitted to anybody how much I still missed Charlotte. What the hell would have been the point in that? Yeah, her being gone was killing me, but what could anybody do about it? In fact, I had a woman ask me just the other day if I still had feelings for Charlotte. This was after she had brought Meg into the inn to come see me for a few minutes. I looked at the lady and actually got a little rude, letting her know that that ship had long since sailed.

And it had, as far as I knew.

Until I saw her today.

We chatted for a few minutes, and I was dying to tell her how much I missed her. I'm so damn bullheaded, it's nearly impossible for me to admit how weak I truly am. The inn started filling up a little bit, so we took our conversation outside to the front porch. She wouldn't look at me. She kept her back turned to me while we continued to talk. I finally broke down and told her I missed her. She didn't respond at first, so I told her again. She kept her back turned to me and told me that she wasn't sure if she could trust anybody again. I deserved to hear that. I had broken her trust in every way that it could be broken. I told her that I wasn't sure if I deserved her trust again. I came up behind her and I put my hand on her shoulder.

It was as if my touch just melted her heart and shattered those walls that she'd put up.

She began to cry, which broke me down instantly. I never could stand to see my Charlotte crying. I had to turn away from her, because I had done started crying myself. We both apologized to each other, we poured our hearts out to each other. My God, she actually grabbed ahold of my shirt as if she really couldn't live without me. She told me she wanted to forget the past, that none of it mattered.

I am so undeserving of someone with that much forgiveness in her heart.

So here I sit right now, in my home, writing this journal entry. Everything I wrote in the last couple of entries, it's all insignificant now. That was spoken from the heart of a lonely man who had nowhere to go.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but I know that I'm going to see my kids when they walk in the door in just a little bit. I'm going to sleep in my bed tonight. I'm going to have the woman that I love...yes, LOVE...in my arms for the first time in God knows how long.

Finally.....FINALLY...I'm home.

October 30

Wow, it's been a while since I last wrote in this thing, ain't it? Life just kicks you in the ass sometimes, and you just get kind of busy.

What's new around here? Well, not much of anything, really. I've been working on getting Luke housebroken. Charlotte still hasn't warmed up to him the way I thought she would. That's alright, though. He's my dog, and the kids love him. I guess that's the most important thing.

Me and Charlotte are still working on some of the intimate parts of our marriage. We haven't been able to get as physically close as we used to be....at least not yet. I guess that's to be expected, though. We're getting better. It's just going to take some time. I'm actually working on putting together one hell of a date night for me and her. Who knows where that might lead? In fact, I'm about to head over to Erin and Lydia's shop right now. I could always stand to improve my look. Hell, I might even buy Charlotte a new dress.

Steeled Double D's is damn close to opening for business. We're putting the final touches on the place, and I can't wait to get rolling. I'm now a certified tattoo artist. I can ink damn near anything.

Tomorrow night is Halloween. I guess we'll be taking the kids out to get some candy.

Life is good in the Steele house.

December 21

Says she's had enough of me
Ive had enough of her too
I might as well go on and set her free
Shes already turned me loose
No fault, no blame, nobody done no wrong
Thats just the way it sometimes goes
Sometimes two people just dont get along
And it's time to hit the road

Goodbye
Farewell
So long
Vaya condios
Goodluck
Wish you well
Take it slow
Easy come girl, easy go

We tried to work it out a hundred times
Ninety-nine it didnt work
I think it's best we put it all behind
Before we wind up gettin hurt
No hard feelin's, darlin', no regrets
No tears and no broken hearts
Call it quits, callin' off all bets
It just wasnt in the cards

Goodbye
Farewell
So long
Vaya condios
Goodluck
Wish you well
Take it slow
Easy come girl, easy go


I tried so damn hard this time. But I realized that once the nostalgia wore off....there was nothing left. As of this writing, I left a few hours ago.

We went on a date a while back. It was nice enough, I guess.

But that's the night I realized that there was nothing between me and her anymore.

I guess I need to take the blame for this. I never should've let her back into my heart. I cried over losing her for God knows how long. I drank until I was numb, and couldn't think about her anymore.

That went on for quite a while, but I got over her.

I moved on.

Hell, I even let some old feelings for Cassie start to surface, which is something that I've never given a chance.

And it was like, the very second I decided I was ready to move on, she came back.

We tried for a while, and slowly but surely, it all wore off. We ended up being stuck in the same damn hole we were in before.

So, with no angry words, no screaming, no cussing each other out, and no tears.....I took Luke with me and I left.

She needs to just stay away from me this time, because what we put ourselves through every time this happens......it ain't fair to me, it ain't fair to her, and it ain't fair to the kids.

I tried like hell to make it work.

I damn sure thought we were unbreakable. But I guess even the most unbreakable of walls can be broken.

So me and Luke are sitting here now, back in my old room at the Red Dragon Inn. I'm on my own again, and I'm as happy as can be.

It's damn sure time to pursue some more happiness, and right now, happiness is spelled W-H-I-S-K-E-Y.

Tomorrow, happiness might be spelled C-A-S....

........never mind.

Scratch that thought for now.

But damned if that thought don't make me smile.

December 27

You talk about having one helluva night.....and I can't say that I mean that in a good way.

So I screwed around and told Cassie a few things that I probably shouldn't have. I told the girl about a few things that I've been keeping locked away for too damn long now, and I guess like I should have expected, it bit me right in the a**.

She told me that she cared about me, and she always has. But she's with Alain now, and she's trying to build something good with him.

So yeah, that got shot straight to hell.

Her words hurt, but I did my best to put on a brave face for her. I was alright until that sonofab**** Alain literally grabbed her and made out with her just a few feet away from me.

It was more than I could handle at that point, but strangely enough, there was this woman who'd been hanging around with me up until then. Her name was Izira, and she'd managed to get me to spill my guts about some things, and she happened to be standing there at the bar watching when Cassie shot me down, and then Alain did what he did. After they left, she came back over to my table, and she did what a friend does. She let me know that it'd be alright, but I wasn't ready to hear that yet. I left for a while, and came back to the inn later that night with the intention of getting drunk as hell.

And that's exactly what I did.

Izira happened to be there too, so while I was going through an entire bottle of whiskey, she stayed out there on the front porch with me. She let me rant and rave, and I'm sure I said some crap that probably sounds pretty stupid by now. I don't remember a whole lot of what I said last night. I do remember seeing Cassie, and she was drinking too. We had a slight verbal exchange, and I swear I don't even remember what it was we said to each other, but I remember walking away pissed off.

It's funny how easily I get pissed when I'm drinking.

Well, Izira wanted to go for a walk, so we ended up out there in the glen. From that point, I remember sitting down underneath a tree, and from there.....I was out like a light.

This morning, I woke up, and I was in some strange inn that I definitely didn't recognize. It turned out this was the place Izira owned, and somehow or another, she was able to drag my big a** from where we were to her inn.

I can definitely say that I made a new friend in Izira last night. New friends are always great to find.

So here I am now, back in my room at the Red Dragon, and I've still got Cassie on my mind. What do I do? Do I leave her alone? How in the hell do I keep this buried? I cannot even begin to describe what I would give for just one chance....even if it were only for a night.

I don't know if I'm capable of loving again. It's turned on me way too many times now, and I don't know if I can trust it anymore. I'm one helluva ladies' man, and I guess I should be happy with that. I know I'm capable of charming most women. But as fun as that can be, it still doesn't give me that feeling of completion. That's a feeling I ain't found yet. I thought I had it with Charlotte, but a true feeling of completion doesn't simply die the way things did with her.

Is Cassie the one who could be capable of filling that void in my life?

I don't know, but I'd sure as hell wish I had a chance to find out.

I guess if it never happens, the fact that I didn't pursue her way back when I had the chance will go down as THE mistake in my life, and Lord knows I've made a lot of them.

I'll wait on her. Alain's not the right one for her. He puts her in too damn much danger with this business that they have. I'd take care of her if I had the chance.

I don?t know how I?ll get her off my mind
But give me time
I?ll think of something
I can?t say today that I?m all right
But by tonight
I?ll think of something

I?ll find so many things to do
That I wont have the time to think of her
And then if she?s still on my mind,
I?ll try to drink enough to drown the hurt
And if that don?t work,
I?ll think of something

Where do I go for love that I still need
Now that I?m free?
I?ll think of something
And if someday by accident we meet
And I can?t speak
I?ll think of something

If I can?t say a word to her,
I?ll blame it on this lump that?s in my throat
And standing there what will I do
To hide my love enough that it wont show
Well I don?t know
But I?ll think of something

January 4

I'd planned on getting my stuff unpacked and sorted out today, but something else took priority over that.

Jake apparently got hurt pretty bad, and he's laid up in his house. There's nobody there but Erin to keep up with the place, and that just don't sit well with me.

I'm gonna be heading that way to help out with whatever I can.

March 6

It's just a little after midnight. Man, what a night...

I ended up going to the inn for the first time in at least a couple of months. I walked in there with a buzz.

Yeah, I've gotten to where I smoke a little weed every now and then. Hey, it's a lot less harmful than the other stuff I used to do.

So I make my way in there, and Alain's in there with Cassie and some chick I'd never seen. Well, neither me nor this new girl (Erica was her name) was in our right minds, so naturally, we hit it off.

Actually, we pretty much fell all over each other. I think I made the first move. I kissed her, and somehow, I ended up with her in my arms. I was so high by that point, I actually fell backwards and hit the back of my head on the floor. She fell on top of me and we were all laughing, just having a good time.

The next few minutes are a little fuzzy, but I do remember that I was fixin' to bring her home, and let nature take its course. She was so drunk, she could barely stay awake. In my state of mind, that didn't matter. I figured I was just as screwed up as her, so what the hell?

But Cassie....Lord, Cassie....she looked at me. Just about looked right through me, and she made it clear that she felt like Erica should stay with her tonight.

It kinda half pissed me off.....but only for a second. The way Cassie's gorgeous eyes were burning into me, and the tone of her voice....there was no way I could go against what she wanted me to do.

Cassie owns me.

She absolutely owns me, and she don't even know it.

So I set Erica back in the chair, and she went to sleep on the table. A few minutes passed, and I let my head clear up a little bit. Finally, I spoke up and thanked Cassie for stopping what was about to happen. She smiled at me again..

By the way, if she told me that I'd have to kill a man in cold blood before I'd ever have the chance to see her smile again, I can guarantee that somebody would be layin' dead tonight. She's got the most alluring smile I've ever seen.

Anyway, she smiled at me and told me to think of her as the good angel on my shoulder.

I can't think of any better description for the girl.

Well, her and Alain ended up carrying Erica upstairs, and that was pretty much that for the night. My buddy Gav happened to show up, and for reasons that I still don't know, I just totally spilled my guts to him about everything to do with Cassie. He was real encouraging....made me feel a little better.

But now...I'm just laying here writing this journal entry. I've got my dog curled up on the bed. I've got a half empty beer sitting on the nightstand beside me. And I've got a woman on my mind. A woman who's capable of making me do anything she wanted me to do. A woman who I would do anything for.

She's my good angel.....she keeps the devils away from me.

I'm alone, yeah, I don't know if I can face the night
I'm in tears, and the cryin' that I do is for you
I want your love, let's break the walls between us
Don't make it tough, I'll put away my pride
Enough's enough, I've suffered and I've seen the light

Baby, You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're my Angel, come and make it alright

Don't know what I'm gonna do about this feelin' inside
Yes, it's true, loneliness took me for a ride
Without your love, I'm nothing but a beggar

Without your love, a dog without a bone
What can I do? I'm sleepin' in this bed alone

Baby, You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're my Angel, come and make it alright
Come and save me tonight

You're the reason I live
You're the reason I die
You're the reason I give
When I break down and cry
Don't need no reason why

Baby, baby, baby

You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're my Angel, come and make it alright

You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're my Angel, come and take me alright
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight