May 2

Sometimes, you just gotta burn things.

I had quite a few entries in my original journal, which was pretty amazing for me. I despise writing, I really do. But I've learned that with each day, each week, each month that passes by, my memory seems to be getting worse and worse. The only logical explanation that I can come up with is that I have burned so many brain cells with everything that I've done, my memory may be fading well before it's supposed to. I'm only 33, for God's sake!!

33........?

Where did my 20's go...?

So I started keeping a journal to help me remember certain things that I may have simply forgotten about.

Anyway, I had to burn the journal. It was too painful reading through it, and it wasn't doing a thing but holding me back from moving on with my life, and getting past these stupid infatuations that weren't going anywhere.

I'd say that things have gone pretty good in the last few days. Okay, things have been better than I could have hoped for.

First off, I kinda, sorta found a chick who has been right there for a long time, but I never saw her as anything more than a really good friend. But a few nights ago, when me and Jade sat out on the front porch of the inn together, it just felt right. There was a beautiful rain going on, and for whatever reason, I asked her if she'd want to maybe go out on a date with me sometime. She said yes!!

A couple of nights later, we went out on our date. When she answered the door.....oh man, she looked good. That's not even the right way to describe her. She was completely drop-dead gorgeous. How in the world did I never notice this girl before?

Anyway, I got to meet her daughter, Claira. She is absolutely adorable. I hope I get the chance to see her again. She was as sweet as she could be, and she makes me laugh.

So off me and Jade went. She knew about this great steak house called Smokey's. It's on some beach front property, and it was spectacular. We sat there and talked about pretty much everything. She began telling me more about her family, and I don't know why, but I began to have the feeling that some of the things she was telling me is stuff that not a lot of people have heard her talk about. I love hearing her talk. Her accent is so close to mine, and hers is simply angelic to listen to.

Sometime during the course of the night, I told her about Aiyana. I have no idea why I brought Aiyana up. I've never mentioned her name to one single soul in Rhy'Din, not even Charlotte or Rosie. But for whatever reason, I started talking about my sister to Jade. I guess we were just that comfortable with each other, which is always a huge plus for me.

So we finished up, and I paid for dinner, DESPITE her trying to pay for her half. That crap don't fly with me, and she's gonna find out that I'm at least twice as bullheaded as she could ever hope to be. So HA!

By this point, we head on down towards the beach. I knew instantly that my boots were coming off, because I was gonna get at least ankle deep in that water. She took her shoes off too....by the way, Jade has some of the prettiest little feet I've ever seen....and we just walked along the shoreline. I got the chance to hold her for a few minutes, and the woman felt so right in my arms. That was a moment that I wanted to be able to freeze and hold onto.

But then again, if I had done that, the next moment wouldn't have happened. That's when we kissed. I was standing behind her, holding onto her when it happened. She then turned around in my arms while we kissed, and man......it was nice.

We could've stayed out all night, but she needed to get home to Claira. So as we stood there at the front door of her sorority house, she gave me a kiss on the cheek. I knew I had to see her again. I knew there was no way I could let that be the only date.

We spent most of yesterday together, and ended up at the inn. Another sidenote, Jade may very well have the most kicka** wardrobe around these parts. Yesterday, she wore an old black Guns n' Roses tank top and some tight, ripped jeans.

It took everything I had not to just stare at her and let her just keep talking for the entire day. Would've suited me just fine, and everybody knows I like to talk.

I'm planning on inviting her over here to the apartment. I'd like to cook for her, and see if I can impress her in the kitchen. I know that I've got one hell of a lot of work to do, trying to get this apartment in presentable shape. No way I'm gonna let her see it like it is now. Luke keeps this place looking like hell!!!

Okay, it's actually me. Luke's the cleaner one out of the two of us.

I've got another journal entry that I have to write pretty soon. The one person who I thought I would never see again, no matter how long I lived, came to Rhy'Din. For now, my hand is just plain tired, and I can't believe I've already wrote this much.

Jade, can't wait to see you again, baby.

July 29

I haven't written anything in two months. It's unbelievable how time gets away from you. There's so much I'd like to write about, but I don't know if I'm gonna have the patience to sit here and get it all out.

Jade....dear God, Jade....did I completely screw things up with her or what?

Me and her were building us a true relationship. I had no doubt that I was in love with her. Me and Claira had built such a special bond. Hell, she was calling me "Daddy Dakota", which I was so proud of. Things were going perfectly.

Too perfectly, I guess.

We ended up spending a month on sea, trying to stay away from Romax. Things ended up okay there. He decided he was no longer interested in her, and I guess that was the green light for us to come back home. While we were on that ship, we were around each other every waking second of every day. I guess too much of a good thing really is bad for you. We started getting on each other's nerves a bit, but there was nowhere for either of us to go for a bit of breathing room. Once we returned, we decided that she should come stay with me at my place, just to be cautious.

Well, the edginess that both of us had going on the ship pretty much spilled over, with the both of us trying to live in my tiny apartment. We were constantlyl up under each other, had no room to breathe, not much room to move without bumping into each other.

It all blew up about three weeks back.

Honestly, I swear I can't even remember what started the damn fight, but we completely had it out.

I said some horrible things to her. This woman, who I had completely fallen in love with, was crushed by these stupid things that I was saying to her. Yeah, she said some things too, but she was justified. I was a complete idiot, and I was too damn stupid to ask her to forgive me right then and there.

Why in the hell can I not just go over to the sorority house, get down on my knees, and let her know how sorry I am? What is it about me that causes me to make these stupid a** decisions?

I've drank more in these last three weeks than I have in a long damn time. I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into that abyss that I've fallen into so many times. She made me want to be a better person, and without her and Claira, I just don't give a ****.

I gotta get her back. I ain't gonna make it without her.

August 11

About a week ago, I did something I swore I'd never do.

I got my hair cut.

I mean, not just a little trim like I've been doing for years. I mean I got my hair CUT.

I've been wearing my hair long since I was a teenager. I guess it started out as a rebellious kind of thing. Leaving home, it was the ultimate "**** you" to mom and dad. They always made me get my hair cut all nice and neat when I was growing up, and the day I left, I promised myself I was gonna let it grow as long as I damn well pleased, and there wasn't nobody who would ever be able to tell me otherwise.

So I let it grow....and grow...and grow. At its' longest, it got down to the lower part of my back, but I trimmed that a little bit. I guess I've had long hair for over fifteen years now.

But I guess maybe it's time I grew up. I'm not pissed at the world anymore. I have nothing to be angry about. I have nothing to rebel against. In fact, my life is as good now as it's been in a long, long time. It's pretty much time I became the man that I should've been years ago. I truly believe I've finally beaten my old demons. I haven't had a craving for a narcotic in years now. I still smoke like a chimney, but so what? Basically, I no longer have these old addictions to use as a crutch for my stupid actions. It's time to man up and start becoming more of a contributing member of this city.

And yeah, it's time to become the man that Jade needs me to be.

That fit of rage that I experienced several weeks back against her. That's something I never, NEVER want her to see out of me again. It was shades of the angry-at-the-world Dakota, and that's a guy that I never want her to meet.

I'm gonna marry Jade.

I already bought a ring.

It took a huge chunk out of the savings that I've built up over the last few years, but I didn't even have to think twice about it. I saw this ring, and I knew it was her. It's a 1.5 carat diamond. It's stunning. This ring was meant to be on Jade's third finger on her left hand.

We even went house hunting a couple days ago, and we found the perfect place. Two stories, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, garage, beautiful front porch....everything I could ask for. The rest of my savings will be going towards putting a down payment on the house. I'm investing everything that I have into starting a new life with Jade, and there's nothing that I want more.

As for what I'll be doing in the future for money...well, I don't want to jinx it, but I've got a pretty good gig potentially lined up. When I'm hired, I'll write more about it.