Topic: A Simple Floral Journal

Lydia Loran

Date: 2007-11-20 00:54 EST
11-19

Erin got me this journal for my birthday, but I just haven't had much chance to write anything lately. It's good to have a real journal though, that's not falling to pieces or doubling as storage. Things have been pretty busy, but not in a bad way really. All the work on the expansion seems to have really paid off since this first day we got a lot more customers than we usually do. It was great though, and we could manage it with Griffith helping- and even Carley. I guess I should learn to trust her more often.

I haven't been able to make nearly as many rag dolls for Jake as I've wanted to. Just a few, but Griffith and a couple of his sisters are helping with those too, and I've got Mille making some. This weekend I'm going to try to make some time to go to the orphanage. Teach the kids there how to make them. I'll see about bringing some clothing and blankets to donate too. We have a bit in storage we're not going to need. I'm sure Erin could part with some of the jewelry she's made too. I'm not so sure the kids there get much beyond necessities, so something extra might be nice.

That tea. It didn't work, or stopped working. I'm not sure which. At least I have more time for all the things I need to do, since I'm not sleeping as much again. I guess it was just too good to be true.

Instead of staying at Mille's tonight I'm staying here at Grem's. I just feel safer here, all considered. It's probably nothing, but I saw a male elf with green hair at the inn. I know I'm probably overreacting, but after everything with Fahl, I just can't help it. I still have nightmares about him sometimes. I hate it. I hate him for making me feel like this- paranoid and unsafe. Like I have to watch my back all the time. Like I can't even walk in front of an alley, or go out alone. Because he just might be there. Waiting. Gods only knows where he is now. I hope this guy I saw was just a sylph or whatever Amthy is or just- anything except for what I am. I don't want to go through everything again.

I'm safe here at least.

Lydia Loran

Date: 2007-11-22 02:38 EST
11-21

I brought a bunch of supplies to work on some more ragdolls here, but I find I can't really concentrate enough to do so. Rena told me she was leaving. Not forever, just for a week or two. I shouldn't be surprised, because she's been telling me about how she's been thinking of taking a vacation. I know things have been hard for her, but now she tells me her boyfriend isn't coming back. I can't imagine how she must feel right now. I wish there was something I could do for her, to make the pain go away, to make everything better, but I know there isn't. Time's the only thing that's going to help her, and even then- I don't think broken hearts ever heal the same as they were before.

I know she said she's not going to stay away that long, but I still worry. I'd worry if she wasn't going, but the fact that she is makes me worry more. Everett told me he'd write. He told me he'd be back, and here it is, all these months later and he's not. Gods, I hate that I always assume the worst.

I saw Alain at the inn, thought to maybe talk to him about certain things, but he was pretty preoccupied. Even now, I- I know it means so little here, when someone dies, or when someone's killed. So often no one works to find the person responsible and it just- it's not right. It's not right that the person who killed Mason is still out there, free, living without being held responsible for what they did. I know if Alain found something out, he'd let me know, but gods, I wonder if he's looking or working on that anymore? If I had any idea what to do, I'd go out myself and try to find some kind of answer, but where would I even start with that? And it'd probably be dangerous, not to mention what Grem would say or do if he found out. I just feel like Mason deserves more. He shouldn't be forgotten about so easily, cast away and- sometimes it gnaws at me. Some days it's in the back of my mind, flaring up now and then when I don't expect it. Some nights when I try to sleep-

Someday. He deserves justice. And I want to really move on from this. There's a lot of good in my life right now. I want to concentrate on that.

Lydia Loran

Date: 2007-11-27 01:44 EST
11-26

Locke? Insufferable. I'm not so sure I've met anyone quite as- annoying as he is. So full of anger he just lashes out at people. Wants to fight me, and Erin, and Jake. As if that would prove something.

I hope things get better at work. It's somewhat tense right now. Erin's angry at Carley, and Carley's angry at Erin and Ivy's annoyed with Carley. I know how Carley can be at times, of course, but gods, I'm not even entirely sure what this is all about. Erin said something about her being a child, but it's not as if Erin's the pinnacle of maturity herself. I'm just staying out of it. Not taking sides. Hopefully whatever has happened will blow over soon. At least things should be okay with Ivy and Carley soon. I hope. I know how fond Carley is of Ivy.

Glenn too apparently. I'm still a little shocked at the fact they spent the night at The Stitch together. Well, not together, but- when I let him stay there I didn't stay there with him. It's just- strange to me that- I dunno. I guess I worry about Carley too much about this sort of thing? I wasn't happy at all when I thought something could happen with her and Sebastian. Even encouraged him to pursue something with Piper solely for that reason. Probably wrong of me, but gods, the thought of those two.

Something else I'm worrying about I probably shouldn't be worrying about. I meant to talk to Erin about it tonight, but I never got the chance, and I didn't want to impose on her and Jake. Maybe tomorrow.

Lydia Loran

Date: 2007-12-06 07:13 EST
12-5

It's starting to get unbearably cold out. Even dressed up, I can't really go anywhere without the aid of my magic and I'm getting too exhausted to keep it up. My own fault for not sleeping or eating like I should, I suppose. I just can't sleep. I don't want to relive last week in my dreams too. But I can't keep doing this either. I think tomorrow I'll stay in- I shouldn't keep going out in this weather anyways, especially with it snowing off and on.

Progress at The Stitch is going well. Rena sent over some people to help us out, which means a lot. Storm's been checking in too. I'm lucky to have the friends I do, more so after last week. I should find Glenn soon I think. He came to check on me after- everything, I just wasn't up for the company. Not then at least. Right now I really don't want to be alone.

I've felt really overwhelmed by everything. But it's odd. I went out to the inn one day this week, and found a little slip of paper with writing on it. 'When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better.' It makes sense. I do feel better now even when I'm just working on one thing at a time, no matter how small. Even Ewan had said I can't take on all my problems at once. I think that's a problem I have, when I can't fix it all at once, I just tend to feel hopeless.

One day at a time..

Lydia Loran

Date: 2007-12-18 03:14 EST
12-17

Things have been really hard lately, with everything going on. It doesn't help that I've run away from it all, like that's going to help. Everything follows me wherever I go, just making it worse, yet I stay hidden. I'm just scared now I guess, to face people. To face Grem. I can only imagine how angry or hurt or sad he is now and, gods, I just- I think I'll go see him tomorrow. I want to. I miss him desperately. I just fear he won't forgive me for leaving like that. It was cruel to make it seem I was running from him, when it's not him, it's just- it's everything.

But aside from that, generally, things are getting better. Easier I guess? Or maybe I'm just getting used to it to where it's all becoming more bearable. The Stitch reopened, and we seem to be pretty popular. Especially Erin's new tea shop. Business is great, I guess- All day I just expected Mrs. MacDoogal to walk in. If she were alive I know she would have. She was wonderful, such a big supporter and, gods, I dunno. I miss her being around. I shouldn't think about this I suppose. Her being alive. Mason... I'm sure he'd have been there as well, even if he'd also complaining about there being too many women.

Tonight was nice. Glenn came to The Stitch and asked me to meet him at Teas and Tomes. Rather than say no, I actually agreed. We just talked- about everything, about nothing. It was nice to talk again, to smile again and mean it. He's- I don't know. He understands? He's just- Gods, I don't know. It's just nice to have someone I feel as if I can relate to. That understands the same things I've gone through. He's a really good friend to me and he doesn't get angry at me easily or chastise or judge. It's hard to tell other people certain things or speak candidly to them because they don't really understand, or they just look at me like.. I dunno.

I suppose I should try to sleep now. Tomorrow may be a hard day, but I hope not. Gods I hope everything works out.

Lydia Loran

Date: 2007-12-19 01:26 EST
12-18

Today was pretty awful. I went to Grem's after work, to check on him and I guess, to try and fix things? But I suppose that's stupid of me to think I can, at least that easily, or at all at this point. I dunno. I just don't know what to do to make it better. He seemed pretty distant, didn't talk to me much, and I wasn't sure he even wanted me around so I didn't stay that long. Maybe I should have? I should have... I should have talked to him more. Explained myself. I just- didn't. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, or what he wanted. Or even where we're at right now.

I told him he could come here any time he wanted. Maybe he will? Gods, I hope he does. I just want to fix this mess. I miss him... why didn't I just tell him that? He didn't tell me that either, but, I guess it's selfish to think that way. I left, not the other way around. I'll just give it some time, see if he comes by. Maybe tomorrow, right? If not- I- I dunno. I'll give it a few days. Maybe this weekend I'll go to see him again. Right now I should rest for tomorrow. Things are still pretty busy at The Stitch. That's good at least.

Lydia Loran

Date: 2007-12-29 01:15 EST
12-28

I've been in Cadentia a few days now- while not as warm as it was when I visited before, the weather is certainly nicer here than the city. It's nice enough I can take walks without worrying about snow or anything like that, so I walk a lot at night. Forcythia won't really let me be alone very much though. She comes on a lot of them with me, won't let me stay out too long. Gods, it's a little irritating, being.. mothered like this, but I guess I sort of appreciate it? When I'm alone, I'm left with my thoughts and emotions, and sometimes I feel like they're going to overwhelm me completely. Especially now.. but those moments are rare. She reminds me of Carley in a way, but then again she seems almost completely different- I wonder how she's doing now, or if I should try writing her again.

I've been staying at Forcythia's place, one of her guest rooms. I've caught a couple glimpses of Katarina, but I haven't spoken with her. She lives here too, but since I've come she stopped staying here. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by that. I'm not angry though- she did tell me she wanted nothing more to do with me, and I'm not going to press it.

I'm going to write Glenn and Erin tomorrow, tell them where I am so they don't worry as much and so they can write back, assuming they want to. I'm worried as to what they'd say, but I do hope they write...

I should rest now I suppose. Forcythia's rather insistent we go out tomorrow to some special bazaar being set up. I'm not entirely enthusiastic about it, but what else is there for me to do? It's good to try to not think of him..

Lydia Loran

Date: 2007-12-30 04:27 EST
12-29

Today was strange, but in a good way I guess. Very busy. Gave me little time to think and dwell.

The bazaar Forcythia took me to was nice, mostly artisans selling things. A few even did demonstrations of their work to draw in crowds, so it was a little more crowded than I would have liked, but I picked up a couple things. Nothing of terrible importance. After all of that, she had plans to meet up with some friends of hers- apparently she rarely gets to see them since they don't pass by Cadentia too often, so I was going to come back here, but she dragged me off to meet them as well.

They're.. gryphon knights- at least that's what they called themselves. They're from really far away from here too- far far west, beyond the desert, and even farther than that still. I had only vaguely heard of gryphons before, but never seen one, much less up close. They're beautiful creatures, and these were quite tame. I know horses set me on edge, but gryphons don't bother me a bit. There was one actually, that I took a particular liking to. Aeriel. I suppose her name is now a bit sad and ironic- she suffered some injuries recently and can't really take to flight anymore, and doesn't have the strength to carry full grown men. They actually can't get her back home, but aren't sure what to do about her..

We all went to this bar, and I mostly talked with Forcythia and Shire- he's the captain of these gryphon knights I suppose? He told me all about the lands surrounding the desert, they sound beautiful. There are even these forests where people actually live in the trees, building houses and planks and bridges in them. It's hard for me to imagine it. Maybe one day I'll see them, but that day isn't any time soon. Katarina was there at the bar too, but we didn't really talk. She was polite though. I guess that's something.

I sent out letters today- not sure how much longer I'm going to stay here though. Perhaps another week? I just feel so restless, the same as before. I was thinking about a few things, and I think.. when I return to Rhydin I'm going to find Hector, talk to him about a few things. There are entirely too many loose ends right now, and I need to do something about the ones I can do something about. The others.. well, I guess I'm stuck with those as they are.

Lydia Loran

Date: 2008-01-08 01:41 EST
(The words in this entry are particularly sloppy, almost illegible at parts)

1-7

Even after the beating I took I can't sleep. Doesn't help my nose won't stop bleeding.. I haven't been hit like that in a long time, but I'm okay with it, it got my mind off things even if only for a little bit - just don't think I'm working tomorrow. I need to rest up and heal for later. Shouldn't take too long, the blows hurt, but it was nothing serious.

Erin worries too much. Carley won't talk to me. I think Glenn's angry or upset with me but wouldn't really go into it. Mille's also not thrilled. Work is piled up and growing faster than I can handle it. Nothing in my life is right at the moment. I'm managing poorly and not entirely sure how I'm even doing that.

I should try to sleep again..

Lydia Loran

Date: 2008-03-14 04:23 EST
3-13

It's been a really long time since I've taken the time to write things down. I guess for a while I didn't want to write them down. There was nothing good to write down. Why would a person want to write and remember things like that and nothing but? I suppose I'm not making much sense. It's so late right now and I'm tired and I can't sleep. I should probably follow G's advice and just lay down until I sleep but I feel too restless to just do that, even when tired.

I don't really know where to begin in everything that's changed. I read my past few entries and it's like reading the thoughts and words of an entirely different person, but not really. I still feel a little sad reading and remembering all that, but it doesn't tear at me like it used to. But life - my life - isn't the same at all as it was just a couple months ago.

I can sleep. I don't have those horrid nightmares nearly as often. I eat better. I'm stronger. I laugh now. I laugh. Gods I can't remember the last time I have so much, or even if I ever did. At home it was discouraged, and here? When have I ever had anything to laugh about? I don't know why it was so hard, and now it's not. Now I laugh. I feel happy. I feel at ease. I feel silly. I feel like I've not acted my age lately. I feel like a young, silly girl with feelings like this. Is it normal at my age to feel butterflies in my stomach? That strange sensation in my chest like my heart skips a beat? Because of eye contact. A touch. A word. A joke.

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Even that makes me laugh. Laughter and inside jokes. It's strange and new to me. This silly group. CG. Bane says I'm the leader. I know it's all in good fun and silly and not at all serious, but this jacket he got me - I can't help but smile every time I put it on. The gesture really means a lot to me and I hope he knows that. And the fact he wants me to meet his son. I'm a bit nervous about that, truthfully. I never know how to act around children. And what if Silas hates me?

Apparently he's been feeling sick though. I wish I could do something. Bane's been worrying. I can tell. It's natural though and it wouldn't be fair at all to expect otherwise. I remember how father got whenever I got sick. Being a parent can't be easy.

I had an interesting conversation with Jake tonight. About love and marriage. I still don't see the point. I don't see Erin saying 'yes' so willingly either, but if it ever comes to that I guess I'll see. Maybe there's something I'm just not understanding. Even Kitty is marrying Tass. Kitty, who I never believed would ever get married. I'd be interested to know what brought on the change of heart...

Love isn't any less because of a lack of marriage. I will always believe that. I don't believe it's something to walk away from and give up on either. It's sad others do so easily. It's sad how you can love someone and in such a short amount of time those two people are strangers to one another- acting as if the other ever existed. Though I suppose that's good in this case. If I were to say something I don't think it would be all that kind. Still - I can't help but feel a bit of a.. pang, when I see him. It'll pass in time though. Then he'll be the stranger to me I so obviously am to him.

There are better things to think about now though. More important things.

I also wonder if G is right, in that there should be paychecks for CG? If only I could convince him to pay them... we could afford our recliners then.

Lydia Loran

Date: 2008-06-07 03:33 EST
6-6

I haven't been writing in here much. Things were going really good for a while and there wasn't any need to write it all down. I just wanted to live it and experience it instead. Now it just feels like things are falling apart- or at least have the potential to do so.

Jay hurt Poppy. I don't know why, and he doesn't know why. Then Soerl changed- turned to a werewolf. I had no idea.. He bit me and scratched Jay and now there's a chance on the next full moon we'll change. Just a chance though, so I'm trying to hold out some hope. I've been eating so much Wolfsbane lately, I'm close to making myself sick on the stuff. But if there's a chance it can help to keep me from changing to a werewolf I don't mind.

The idea of changing terrifies me. It's not as if I'm not familiar with it or werewolves at all. It's not as if I think werewolves are bad people. If I did think that way Grem and I never would have been together. I even talked to him about all of this- he thinks I'll make it through everything alright. I'm not so sure.

I don't even think the change is what terrifies me the most. It's how people will see me if I do change. Like my friends. Will they see me different or treat me different? Or Bane.. I haven't even had a chance to talk to him about any of this yet. I almost don't want to, especially since I'm not talking to my friends about this. There's no need to unless I do change. I really don't want to lose him.

Gods, and there people out there that really think werewolves need to be exterminated.. they make a living of hunting them down and killing them. It's sort of ironic that they're so intent to kill a 'monster' they have no qualms with killing other people. Then they're the monster after all.

Everything's a mess for us all and there's not really anything I can do to try to fix it. I don't think any of us can. All we really have at this point is hope.