December 23rd, Morning
1919 Fendall Road


Lydia hadn't been able to sleep at all during the night. At some points she tried, but it never came, she just tossed and turned, or stared vacantly at the fire within the stove she slept in front of as her mind raced. Tears no longer came at this point; she just felt horribly numb to everything that had been happening, all the bad, which included the bad she brought upon herself. Namely the fact she was certain things were over between her and Grem. She was overwhelmed, and had lost the person who meant more to her than anything really, who acted as a live preserver when she needed him. But she pushed that preserver aside, and she sank...

Now she was left alone, surrounded by memories and little else. How could she go back to work and act as if nothing was wrong? How could she pretend that she wasn't scared of more disasters occurring? Or pretend she wasn't terrified to lose even more people close to her...? Rhydin City used to house so much hope for the green haired elf, now it held nothing but pain and fear and memories. She couldn't stay anymore.

Lydia had thought about it for a few hours, but eventually came to the conclusion she had to leave. Not permanently no, but she couldn't remain in the city and expect to move on or even function properly. Not with so much looming over her, or dwelling in her mind. Not all alone. However it wouldn't be right to simply disappear without word, but she knew she wouldn't be able to say goodbye and walk away. So she decided to pen a few letters. Notebook and pen dug from her bag, she opened to a clean sheet of paper.

She started slowly, writing letters that would be easiest first. To Mille. To Eddie. To Carley. To Ivy. They were a bit vague in what happened, and what she was doing, but they got the point across. Lydia wasn't sure how Mille would react, but Eddie was usually pretty understanding of such things. Carley? She was certain Carley would be livid with her, but she was certain Carley had that right at this point. Ivy? Gods, she wasn't at all sure how she'd take it. The next letters were a bit harder to write...

Glenn,

I wish I had half the strength and courage you did. You are one of the bravest people I know, and someday I hope to be more like you. You face your problems and fears, you overcome them, and you have no shame in leaning upon someone else for support to do so. I feel like we really understand each other, and I'm hoping you can understand and forgive me now for what I've done.

I'm probably no longer in the city as you read this. I've left, specifically for Cadentia, but please don't tell anyone that? It's a beautiful place, Cadentia, and it's more tolerable this time of year in terms of weather. It's certainly more peaceful too. I've been once before, I really liked it there. I suppose Jenli might have been a better choice, but there's no one I know in Jenli really. I guess I feel more secure in Cadentia, since I know some there. I guess I can't even run away from my problems or people properly.

I feel like everything in my life has fallen apart. I've lost Grem, I live in fear, and I just- I dunno... I've come to hate this place. Everything that can go wrong does. And I'm just, I'm tired of losing people. I'm tired of violence, and I'm tired of people getting hurt. I hate that I can't cope with it all, and I hate that I've pushed away people. Maybe I've ruined my own life, I don't know. But I just can't stay here anymore, not now. I don't know how long I'll be gone to be honest. Maybe it won't be long at all, I'm not sure. I hope we can write each other though? When I get settled, I'll write you again, give you an address. I suppose that's a bit presumptuous of me though. I guess by all rights you should be angry at me for leaving without saying anything to you first. I hope you won't be...

Please take care of yourself, and don't let Carley get into too much trouble, yeah?

Lydia

Grem,

I don't think I've ever written you a letter before. I suppose that's pretty odd considering I write to others when I have trouble saying something to them. I guess with you I felt words on paper would be too cheap? I regret that now though, that I haven't written you more. Written words would have been better than no words at all I suppose... I'm not really sure what to say to you. I didn't know what to say to you before in person, and the same applies here.

Out of everyone I've ever met, you're definitely the best person that I know. You've been there for me when I felt I had no one, and for over a year now you've been my best friend. I don't think I ever really expressed to you how much you mean to me, not in words or actions, and that's not right. I guess this is all coming entirely too late, and maybe it'd have been better if I hadn't bothered at all, but I already have to live with the fact I've pushed you away, I don't think I could live with myself to say nothing else, or offer no explanations, even if it is just written word - I certainly owe it to you.

I've really grown to hate it here, in Rhydin. Every time I turn around something terrible happens. I'm sure I don't have to go into the details of it all, as you see it too, and you've been there with me when it happened. You've always handled it all so much better than I have. If not for you, I'm not so sure I'd be here now. I do wish I could take these things better though, not be so affected. I look around and I see so many other people that aren't, and there's a part of me that wishes I could be more like that; the way I was raised to be. Stoic and logical, not ruled by my emotions, but I'm nothing like that at all. I guess it became too much, after the explosion specifically. I don't understand why I'm so affected by it, but I am. Sometimes I just get scared for no reason at all, especially in the city, in the market... ruled by the fear that it can happen again I guess. Sometimes I see it in my dreams, I relive it and I don't want to. I hate sleeping now, because any time I dream it's always something come back to haunt me. It's why I was excited about that tea, it worked for a while too, I'm not sure why it stopped. I just wanted the dreams to stop, but I don't know how to make them stop, so I just don't sleep.

And I guess, maybe, I thought I could run from it all. I've always ran from things. But I didn't run from my problems, I ran from you, and Erin, and everyone and everything that meant anything to me. I came to this house and locked myself away in it like it'd somehow protect me. But the things I ran from followed me, because it's in me, and I can't run from that. And now that I've run from what's important to me, I can't find it again. I've lost it. I'm never going to forgive myself for it either.

But I guess I don't really learn my lesson like I should. I just can't stay here anymore. Not right now. This house, it's just a house. It's beautiful, and I thought maybe I'd feel at home here, but I really don't. Without you, it's a house, and it means nothing to me. Cadentia is actually a bit warmer than it is here, so I thought I'd stay there, possibly with Forcythia again like last time I was there - I just ask that you not tell anyone. I just think it's best that way, for now at least. I'm not really sure how long I'll be gone, before coming back here. And when I do, I dunno, I guess I'll just have to start all over again and try not to repeat past mistakes.

I am so sorry for everything Grem, no words will ever be able to express how sorry. Sorry for pushing you away, for hurting you, for saying everything too late, for ruining what we had. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, and I hate what I've done. Hate myself for doing it. You deserved so much better than that. You, more than anyone, deserve to be happy, and I hope that you find the happiness that you desire and deserve.

Forever yours,

Lydia