Topic: One Year Later...

Lydia Loran

Date: 2007-08-04 00:39 EST
Usually on Saturdays at this hour, Lydia would be sleeping in, but not this Saturday. Not too long after daylight struck she was up and about. She had things to tend to. Loose ends to tie up, so to speak.

A couple things were picked up at the florist's neighboring The Stitch. Two silk floral arrangements to be exact. They were pricey, sure, but the ribbons and silks used to create them were magicked, made to last for years and years through the weather. And since the green haired elf really and truly intended for this to be her last visit to the cemetery, it seemed appropriate to pick up arrangements that would last.

After leaving the florist's it was straight to said cemetery with her. First stop? Maria's stone. That was where the smaller of the two arrangements was placed, though smaller didn't make it any less beautiful. The flowers that made it up ranged from soft, pale lilacs to rich violets, making it seem every hue of the purple spectrum were visible. One last thing added to the arrangement to top it off was the purple ribbon tied to her bag's strap. The one she had received from Jack. It just seemed appropriate somehow to offer it here rather than hold on to it. She didn't know why.

Lydia lingered at Maria's stone a few moments, possibly because the next part would be the harder part. The second stone. Gwydion's stone. She hadn't been there in such a long time. She really wasn't the type to face her demons. She was the type to turn around and run from them as fast as she could. But? There was no avoiding this. It wouldn't be right, wouldn't feel right to finally face it.

Slow, almost heavy steps carried her through the cemetery. Her gaze wandered idly as she walked, resting on various stones, taking in the names absently, and lingering on floral arrangements, old and new, silk and real, that people had left behind for people. New arrangements tended to bring a frown to her face, as those were placed by people in pain, who missed a loved and departed one. She could certain relate to that.

Finally though, one stone had all her attention. His stone.

There were no flowers or adornments for it, which made Lydia frown a bit. She felt neglectful, but the truth of the matter was that she really had been neglectful. It had been *months* since she had come to visit seriously, and not long ago there was a brief visit simply to check dates marked on the stone. That was it though. But it was enough to add another small inkling of guilt to her already too weighed down heart.

The second floral arrangement was held close as she approached the stone. It was a little more subdued than Maria's arrangement, since too many flowers and frills didn't seem to be the right thing to put on a man's grave. The colors that made it up were yellow, orange, and the occasional fleck of crimson, giving an almost bright, sunny feeling to the arrangement. Not that the backdrop of it would be matching it.

She took care in setting it down not to obscure the carved words within the cold stone, and after arrangement was set down and secured, she sighed faintly, letting pale blues drift over the date.

August 4th.

It had been exactly one year. Exactly one year since he was killed. It still seemed rather surreal at times.

Bag was shrugged from her shoulder and allowed to drop haphazardly to the ground as she leaned back, taking a seat before the stone and newly set arrangement. She was quite likely to get a grass stain on her dress but honestly, that was the last thing on her mind. Leaning forward she let her gaze travel over the words on the stone, lips mouthing them silently but no voice given to them.

Loved and missed. Stronger than most people could ever wish to be. A man who despite what life had set against him, did what needed to be done, with no regard for his own well being. May his music and love continue from the ever after as he showers us with each from above. Courageous & True to his own heart until the very end.

Godspeed.

Lydia Loran

Date: 2007-08-04 00:57 EST
A lump in her throat swallowed back, Lydia looked pointedly away from the stone, and beyond the gently sloping hill they were on towards a pond not too far away. "This is a nice place Brian put you." She spoke quietly, whispering almost. "It was a nice thing he put on your stone too. I'm... sorry I wasn't there to give any input to it." A blade of grass was torn from the ground and absently toyed with as her gaze fixated on that, rather than stone. "Not that I'm really good with words, and.. there'd be too much to say I think. Not enough space there to put it either."

She still wasn't looking at that stone. Nope. The blade of grass was rather interesting. Yup. "I know I haven't been coming here to see you anymore. Don't exactly have a good excuse for that either... I just.. pushed you out of my mind. Easy enough to do I guess." Frowning then, her voice dropped lower. "Out of sight, out of mind." Grass blade was relinquished to fall on the ground then as she shook her head. "Though that's not always the case either is it? Lately.. you and her both have just.." Another shake of her head, she rubbed at a temple. "Funny how things can just hit you out of nowhere isn't it?"

Lydia fell silent for a little while, gaze on the ground mostly, occasionally darting up to the stone. "Still remember the last time I actually came here to talk with you. Gods.. it was a pretty long time ago." Regret seeped through her tone for a moment. "Katarina... it's when she wanted me dead." She paused, frowning at the mention of her cousin. "I thought now, maybe we had a chance, but she sent me a letter not long ago. Offered all sorts of excuses and... essentially she wants nothing more to do with me. 'Too much history'. 'We're too different'. I really thought we were beyond that." Some hair was pushed from her face as she sighed. "She wasn't too happy when you were killed." A whisper. "I know you had your disagreements, but she never wanted this for you."

"Just like despite differences, she never really wanted me dead. Not now. Not then. I believed it then though. Thought that after losing... you and.. and..." She trailed off, shaking her head as gaze lowered. "Thought I was alone then. I remember that's why I came here actually. Was feeling pretty lost at the time, unsure of what to do... I asked what I should do.. for a sign, for anything." Voice picked up in volume, just a little, as she straightened, looking towards the stone as if regarding another person almost. "You know.. the best thing happened to me that very same day? I really didn't think it would either.. a person like Grem seeing anything good in me. Seeing something no one else does.." An errant tear was wiped away as she shook her head. "I haven't even gotten the chance to tell you about him, or.. anyone."

A deep breath taken in, she smiled faintly, almost ruefully. "You wouldn't like him, though you never did like much of anyone did you? I never understood why.. you were so good to me yet the way you treated others at times.. and I knew you were a good person so.." She trailed off, shaking her head, wiping at another tear. "He's great though. Really good to me... best thing to happen to me really. Saved me from Fahl. I think he was the only person who really cared... the only one who did anything about it."

"I wonder.. where you're at right now? So many people debate on what lies after death. I wonder if you've met whoever.. is responsible for.. I dunno. God I guess? Or gods.. or goddess... doesn't really matter I suppose. I just wonder about those things sometimes, whether anyone had a hand in what my life is now. In putting certain people in my life... because I really do owe them so much.. everything really.." Pausing a few moments, she let her gaze travel far away, towards the pond once more. "I have other friends too. Storm.. she's a good one. Very sensible. Smart. Beautiful." Pause. "You'd really like her. She's good to me too... and Carley is.. this mess. But a good mess. Mille.. Mason.. Eddie.. they're great too. All in their own ways."

Pale blues back on the stone, she took a deep breath, held it for a few moments, and slowly exhaled. "Erin. She's... I don't know actually." A faint frown touched the corners of her lips. "I called her sister for such a long time. I replaced Maria with her... thinking maybe it'd make it better, but it didn't. It really didn't. I'm not even sure we're friends anymore. But sometimes when I look back, I wonder if we ever were. Hindsight is so clear.. I wish I always had this sort of clarity. To know better ahead of time, to not do something so foolish. Now things are this mess that may never get fixed." A pause to think for a moment. "I think I may be okay with this though. I'm just not okay feeling like a bad guy in it. Like I'm the only one to ever do wrong. And I feel that way so much.. with everything I do and everyone.. I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who did it. Who messed it up. Who's responsible for so many deaths. I turned my back and people are dead. I wasn't there to stop Maria from..." She trailed off, vision blurred from tears that hadn't fallen just yet. "Who makes me the bad guy...? Do I? Or do you all truly see me that way? I don't.. I don't think you do. You never did.. You were always so... I dunno. Maria.. Erin.. those are other stories entirely. I can't blame Maria though. I killed her.. in cold blood. With no mercy. I think on that and wonder how I deserve anything good. People shouldn't be able to just kill someone like that and move on like nothing happened, and yet it happens here all the time. But.. I'm not like the others.. right? So I shouldn't be... I shouldn't..."

A few tears started falling as she trailed off. Silence followed as she wiped at them.

Lydia Loran

Date: 2007-08-04 01:50 EST
Lydia was quiet for quite a few minutes, unsure what to say, not even entirely sure of everything she just said. She made an effort to wipe at her cheeks once more, taking in a deep breath, finally ready to speak once more.

"You know.. I really did have some things planned that I wanted to say to you. I can't seem to recall any of it now though. I ran the words through my mind again and again for the past two weeks. It all sounded so perfect up there too, and I know it was the right thing to say but.. it's just not coming now. Gods I really do wish I was better with words than this. And not just now.. any time. I always manage to say the wrong thing or just.. nothing at all. But there's little point in me saying what I'm really thinking most times." A bit of a frown to that, though she shook her head. "I wrote some things down, though I doubt they're any more eloquent than my words. It's easier that way sometimes. Using a pen rather than my voice. Especially if it's for my eyes only."

A smile touched the corners of her lips at that, but only for a brief moment. She continued talking, even as she dug through her bag. "I'm still amazed at sight you know, I think I'll always be... the things you would tell me about it, that anyone would tell me.. it just doesn't compare to the actual thing. To actually seeing things for myself." Shaking her head lightly, that dulling green and messy book was pulled out and opened up so she could leaf through the pages. "Everything isn't even like people told me. The way colors were described.. I don't see the same things in them others told me they saw."

Lydia fell silent then, as she located the page she had been looking for, and frowned at the words written there. "I wrote this for you really... in this book. I don't really know why now that I think on it. It was just a few days ago but..." She trailed off, sighing faintly as she looked the words over more closely, this time to read.

"I hate that I couldn't save you." Well, that was certainly a given wasn't it? "I hate that any chance at life you had was taken away because of me. I hate that you loved me. That love killed you. I'm sorry I couldn't love you back... I hate that you loved her. It killed you too. I hate that I never even got to see your face. I hate that I can't remember the song you used to play for me anymore. I hate that I can't seem to forgive myself for all of this." A pause then, before the next words came out. As a whisper. "I hate not knowing if you can forgive me." She frowned, looking from book to stone. "As much as I can speculate it... or wish for it... or put it in my head that you do? I'll never know for certain if you have. And if you do, I don't even know what good that'll do me. It's not like the words 'I forgive you' suddenly brings you and everyone else back to life does it? They won't make me feel any better.. not really. And then... even if you don't forgive me.. I don't even know what that would mean. Or what I would do... would it change anything...?"

Brows crinkled a bit as her gaze lowered, back to the book. Swallowing, she continued. "And I need to let go of it all. This hate, the pain. Everything in my past. I can remember it, but I can't keep clinging to it as I always have been." Pause. "You included."

"You, my sister, my mother, my father, my cousin, my home. I can cling to everything good and positive about those things, and I will. But guilt, the ghosts, the pain. No. More. I won't be a slave of it anymore." Lydia's voice faltered a bit as she spoke those words, there wasn't much weight behind them, as if she didn't really believe them. "So even without your forgiveness, I will walk away. And I will live in the present, and enjoy what I have now."

The green haired elf grew quiet at that, considering those words for a long moment before the last sentence was read. "The person I remember you as would want me to."

Book closed, she slid it back to her bag, then frowned lightly at the stone. "I just wonder if memory really does serve correct... because.. it had been so long since we saw each other, or spoke.. years. And then it was so brief and I have no way of knowing whether..." She shook her head. "It all seems so easy. Sounds so easy to write it like that, read it like that, but it's not. I do desire forgiveness, and as much as I want to move on, gods, everything just keeps coming back to me, regardless if I want it to or not." She paused, shaking her head as she slowly moved to her feet. "And... it really does affect the present.. and I hate that.. I suffer now for the past, and not just me... those I know. Grem.. he does, because of the way I just.. and I don't want him too, but.. I'm not going to do with him what I did with you all those years ago, because that was selfish, and hurtful, and.. I just won't. Maybe that could be considered selfish as well... But now, I don't really know what it is I'm supposed to do."

She was frustrated now, harshly wiping at some tears falling down her face again. "Gods, and it's not fair for me to come here and expect you to just..." She trailed off, staring down at the stone. "I just don't know what to do sometimes.. all the time.. but this? This I can't do."

Feet shuffled faintly, she took a deep breath. "This is the last time. This is the last time I'm coming here. I can't do it anymore. I said before I had to let go.. and I don't know how possible it really is.. but I've got to try, right? And me coming here.. again and again.. talking to you, talking to Maria... I just can't keep doing it. I may never know whether you forgive me, but.. I suppose that's the consequence I have to suffer.. after everything I've done..?"

Silence fell again, this time so she could compose herself. Tears kept falling, and she kept fighting them. A losing battle at first, but she managed to win eventually. Hair was smoothed out, grass and dirt was wiped from her dress, and she hoped her face didn't look some red puffy mess. That was always such a giveaway.

"So... this is goodbye. Not just to you. Not just to Maria. To... everything? I'm.. going to try my best to let go. It might not happen immediately, but.. hopefully.. one day..." Lips twisted faintly as she canted her head to the stone. "If there's any way at all for you to do the same.. let go of me.. I ask that you do it. If you really do harbor anger and hatred to me, you shouldn't. Not for my sake but for yours... because wherever it is you're at, you shouldn't let your second chance be ruined because of me."

A step backwards was taken away from the stone. Lydia regarded it a few moments longer, even opened her mouth to speak up once more, but she stopped herself. Lips pressed together, she shook her head at herself, and turned, walking away from the stone, and out of the cemetery.

Hopefully, for the last time.