"Oh, these are lovely."

Another walk through the Marketplace... Lydia didn't always go with the intent of buying something, especially now that money was an issue. Sometimes though, she just couldn't help herself, things would catch her eye and she had to check it out. One of the curses of sight perhaps...? She really must stop putting herself in temptation's way.

"Eh? Oh lass thank ye kindly. Mayhap be ye wantin' one? They be only a silver each."

There was a sad smile on her face as she set the blank, sapphire colored book back on the table with the others. There were so many books to choose from too, leathery, jewel encrusted, and even fuzzy... All of them would make a perfect diary too.

"That's a good price, but I'm afraid...I can't. I've always wanted a diary, but... well, now even with sight I can't read or write."

"Really lass? Well... if'n ye cannae read or write, perhaps there be a solution for ye."

"What would that be?"

"Follow me lass."

The vendor gestured for Lydia to follow him into his pavilion. Curiosity piqued, she followed. Once within, she looked around to see several boxes, lots of clothing hanging up, and generally? Lots of junk. The man led her to a small box in the back, taking a cautious glance around before he started to open it. His secrecy with the object within was like how one might react when dealing with things in the Black Market, not that Lydia would know such a thing.

"This be the solution to ye troubles lass!"

"Alright! So..um, what is it?"

"Ye dinnae know??"

"No."

"I suppose not every one would... this is called a recorder lass. It records ye voice."

It was an odd looking thing. A black box with buttons. And of course her eyes widened with suprise when he flipped it open and pulled out a smaller...rectangular shaped box? with two holes in it. There were several more of those in the box they came from too.

"This is a cassette, it's what the recorder uses to store ye words."

"Store my words?"

"Aye, it lets ye store ye words. Ye just press this button here, speak into this part, and when ye're done? Ye press this button here. If ye want ta play back what ye just recorded, ye just hit this button, it will rewind, and ye can play it back. It's a simple device really, once ye get used to it."

"Really..hmm, it is a clever thing. How much do you want for it?"

"Ten silvers. And that's a bargain lass! Do ye have any idea how much trouble it is for me to st..er..get one of these? That price includes the tapes too, I'm practically letting ye rip me off!"

Ten silvers? Maybe that wasn't a lot to some, but to Lydia? That was quite pricey, especially now when she had barely any money. Though a recorder...might be nice.

"Alright, I'll take it then!"

Financially? Back to square one!

I have a song stuck in my mind, but I know I'm not recalling it properly. It's a song Gwydion used to play for me on his lute all the time, it was short, but...wonderful. What I wouldn't give right now to hear it again... or even smell a gardenia. I can't find any in this realm! In Veian they were rare, but here they seem to be nonexistant... I am surrounded by roses now, and I hate it. They smell awful, the thorns hurt, and now that I see them? They're not nearly as beautiful as people claim.

...

Oh right, the song! Gwydion did show me how to play it.. I have no technical skills with the lute, or any instrument for that matter though. But if I just had a lute in my hands, if I could feel it again, maybe I can remember how to play it, even if it doesn't sound quite right. I just want to hear it again so I don't forget it... I never want to forget it. Lutes are expensive though, and I simply can't afford one right now.

Making money, being independent, it's a new thing to me. In Veian I was allowed to do nothing for myself, never had to worry about money, but I had no freedom. Here, it's different, but in such a good way! I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and no one treats me like an invalid or child anymore! Though sometimes, I do act rather childish...

I have a job now! My very first, but I work for good people. I'm a page at the Red Dragon Inn, that just means I run errands and deliver things. It's hardly glamorous, rather simple really, but I'm a simple person. I'll have to talk to Sid to work out a schedule, so I'm doing more work. I'd not feel right getting paid for nothing. It would be simpler if I could read or write... that's something I need to look into soon. I'd really love to learn! It would make certain situations less embarassing too...like when Kairee wanted me to get her some champagne, or that man Rory, who speaks in a foreign tongue at random intervals wanted some whiskey. I couldn't read the labels and was so close to panicking... lucky for me though! I think there's a friendly ghost working at the inn, maybe even haunting it. He, or even she, rattled the bottles I was looking for, and they also like to play around, I've seen bottle caps dance around on the bar before. I suspect the ghost.

Stranger things have happened...

Like forks being used as darts. That's strange. My friend Toby introduced me to darts and basketball, I'm not that great at either, but he says with practice I'll improve. According to him, anyone can learn to do anything. I wish I had that optimism... I did manage to make a fork stick in the board for a couple seconds, and according to him and Issy, that counts!

Things like that might seem silly to some people, but I think it's a wonderful distraction for when I need to keep my mind busy. When things get too quiet or boring, my thoughts wander...and I don't like to let them wander too far...


OOC Note: I hold no copyright to the song at all. It's just there for fun, to get an idea of what the song sounds like. It would be "Lute of Noah" from the Final Fantasy III DS OST. It is copyright of Square Enix..I guess.]

It's amazing how things change so suddenly...from going to something wonderful to something terrible, or even something terrible to something wonderful! I was feeling so awful before...but tonight my spirits are lifted.

I met this really nice girl today, Tabitha. I feel bad for her... somehow the Nexus forced her here from her home, and she doesn't really have a way to get back. Everything here is so foreign to her, she doesn't even have elves where she comes from! She's taking it pretty well though, all things considered. I'm sure she'll adjust... maybe even find her way back home eventually, if she wants to? For now though, I'll just enjoy the company of yet another new friend.

One can never have enough friends... I realize this now.

I also met a really nice lady at the Marketplace today! Her name is Mille, and she's such a sweet lady, with the prettiest white hair I've ever seen. She laughed when I said that... said that when people get older and their hair turns grey or white it's not considered 'attractive', but I think that's just silly. Mille is just as beautiful as any young person is, if not more so. Instead of doing my usual rounds at the Marketplace, I just sat and talked with her for hours and hours... it was fun, and she's so talented! She sews the most beautiful blankets and quilts and makes quite a bit of money selling them! She was kind enough to sit down with me and teach me the basics of sewing, gave me some supplies, and even some free fabric to work with. I'm no expert like her, but I think I'm doing okay! Maybe my work will even be good enough to sell? Any little bit of money will help... so it's good to think of creative ways to make it.

I think if I get enough money and can find a good deal on one.. I'll get a lute. There's only one song I can play, but it's the only song I care to hear right now.

I don't care to linger on sad memories, but the happy ones bring a smile to my face, even if the other person in my memory is..gone now. I like to keep mementos and memories of people I care about that aren't with me anymore, maybe not always with me as a constant reminder... the shell necklace that I got from..well.. I can't wear it anymore. I keep it stored some place very safe, I will always keep it...but I don't think I'll ever be able to wear it again.

I can't dwell in the past, and I can't seem to control my future... so it's the present I concentrate on. If I just force myself to focus on the current moment, I think I can handle just about anything...

But when it's quiet, and when I'm alone, I seem to slip away from the present.

I like where I live now, but the lonliness gets to me. Sure I prefer living in a remote location, rather than within the city...but... it doesn't mean I like being alone.

..It's why I'm always going to the Red Dragon, even it if means enduring these long walks!

I decided to go to the kegger.

There were so many people there like I thought there would be, but it was so fun! I was nervous of course, but a nice man named Antonio offered to slide with me on this... slide thing they had set up. I didn't know there were things like that out there, but it was really fun to do. Once was enough though since it had water on it, and I didn't want to get too wet.

Wyheree made it snow over me, and temptation was too much to resist! ..So I threw a snowball at Jewell. I thought she was angry about it at first, but when I told her it was me, she just laughed about it. I can't wait for it to snow now... snow ball fights, making Snow Lords and Ladies and forts...it just sounds too fun! And by then, I imagine my aim will be much better, with the dart and fork practice after all! I intend to live up to the name of 'Fork Ninja'!

I saw Hawk again, but this time was different... I think he's won the battle he was fighting. I'm glad too. I really hope things are better for him from here on out, and that he doesn't slip back to what he was.

Oh! And I'm so excited! I was so happy, not only do I have Mille helping me learn to read and write, but a nice man Sid introduced me to named Tass offered to help! He's nice..but I think he can read my mind? That makes me a little nervous, but I've heard of some being able to do that, and they don't always mean to, so it seems a silly thing to worry about. I'll just have to watch my thoughts more carefully around him! He told me to drop by his library, and I intend to do just that as soon as I can! Hmm..and Sid made sure to show me how to check the log book so I can see what deliveries need to be made at the inn, I feel better now that I can actually work when no one is around, like I'm more independent! Of course, if no one is around and that horrible naked dwarf attacks me again...ugh.

But not only do I have Mille and Tass, Toby also offered to help me. I'm just blown away by everyone's generosity... it gives me so much hope. After the kegger, I still had a lot of fun, talking to Toby, listening to him play the piano..which he is so good at! He sang too, just like a bard! I've never had any interest in learning to play an instrument, nor do I have any skills at such a thing, except the one song Gwydion taught me on the lute...even that's lacking.. but I sure love to listen to music and songs from others.

I realized something... if my smiles before were really a charade? They're not anymore... I can smile, and even laugh now... and it's genuine. Not only that?

...I don't feel guilty anymore when I do.

Today? Gods...today...

I tried to keep it together, I try so hard, but... I can't always do it!

I saw her, I saw Katarina. I knew it was her when I saw the scar on her lip, even blind I would still ask about what people looked like, so I knew her when I saw her..the scar, the hair...

Katarina said the most awful things to me. I was so happy to see her too, I thought we could put all the bitterness and unpleasantness behind us finally. She's the only family I have left and I know I've said that didn't matter to me before but after I... after Maria? I just wanted things to be okay between me and Katarina finally.. I wasn't even sure if she was alive or not! I thought she might be dead since I haven't seen her for so long and I'm so happy she's not but...

Why do I do this? She shouldn't bother me...none of what she said is true but it hurts that... gods I don't know.

I just want to be normal here. I want a normal life. I don't want to cry all the time about everything that happens to me. I'm so tired of being such a child. I'm so sick of questioning everything about myself or seeking validation in others.

I get so envious of those around me sometimes. They seem so happy, genuinely happy and it looks so effortless to them. I try so hard for that but I just..

..I can't.

I'm not the type of person who hates easily, in fact I'm quite the opposite... but something about that horrible Renna woman, I just.. I think I hate her!

Today she and Brian were going at it and she was being her usual repulsive self and then I.. I got the feeling they were both hiding something from me. It made me so mad... she makes me so mad... the topic discussed... I nearly lost it I think. Lucky for me though, Erin came over and proved to be a reassuring distraction. I'm really happy for that, and the fact I didn't lose control of my powers since I'd hate to hurt anyone else. I really owe her one...

Sometimes I think I should come clean and tell Jewell about the time in the alley... that it was me who burned her. No.. I *know* I should, she's my friend and friends are honest with one another. I guess I'm just afraid she and everyone else will hate me. I don't know what I'd do without my friends, they're the ones who helped me most when I was afraid I was going to lose myself completely.

Oh, and when I thought today couldn't get any worse? It did.

Toby told me he was going away for a while, possibly for a long time. I don't know the details, just that it has to do with cargo and him flying around space or whatever the stars are called... I can't help but feel really really sad you know? He's one of the nicest, patient, most encouraging people I know and I consider him one of my very best friends. He inspires me not to be so...you know, to try things, not be so scared of living life. I really hope he's not gone for long... but I know better than to get my hopes up.

Jewell made a joke too... I overreacted of course. I'm such a child sometimes, I really need to learn to lighten up! Especially since she was just teasing me. I can't expect people to stop treating me like a child if I keep acting like one.

I haven't been myself... not since hearing what Brian said.

I can't recall all the details of that night, but I don't think I lost control or hurt anyone... that's something to be thankful for. I scraped my knee pretty good though, not that it matters.

Hmm, it doesn't matter what Brian told me. It doesn't change the fact of what happened, nor does it change my feelings about, well.. gods. It hurts of course, and my resentment of Renna has only grown stronger... There's a part of me that would like to lash out at her but I refuse to do such a thing. I'll not give in to the temptation and become... that half of myself.

I think people are reaching out to me, but I'm pushing them away.

What's wrong with me...?

Oh my gosh.. I'm so silly! I worry too much!

I told Jewell, and you know what happened? We ended up laughing about it. She wasn't angry or upset with me at all! I feel so, so relieved! No more guilt, no more burdens. I'm actually feeling really good right now.. really happy.

...

It was a great night, free pasta, free pineapple from Ty, Jewell's not angry with me, no one hates me, and I got my friends, a steady job.. I mean, what else can I ask for? Some even trust me, like Hawk? He dislocated his shoulder, and trusted me enough to help setting it back into place, ..despite the fact I've never done such a thing before and have no knowledge about it... I was happy to help but I admit, it was just a little..icky?

Oh and I realize that while I love my home, it's not really suitable for inviting friends over. I'm not used to doing things like that, but I really wish I could! Like normal people do? They invite friends over, eat, have fun... I imagine no one would want to come here.

Perhaps someday though, I can make this place good enough for company.

I've been so busy lately, so tired... I thought pepsi would make me explode, I was chased by lusty dwarves.. I just don't know where to start!

..Skyler. I saw him one night and he seemed so..sad. Lost. He asked me if I had seen Jewell around that night, but I hadn't and I told him that. He seemed to get even sadder after that... said that he missed her even when she left the room. He left to go drink alone, and I probably should have, I dunno, kept him company? But I thought if he went to a more secluded area, that just meant he preferred to be alone?

Deja vu. I hate it. I met this nice man named John, but I keep getting this terrible sense of deja vu around him. Honestly, he just really reminds me of someone I know... to the point where I could almost swear they were... no, that's silly.

I think Hawk's done with Renna, and I'm glad for that. Now he can finally move on given a little time to heal. He's already thinking about the near future as well. Just last night he mentioned to me there was someone he might like to..approach. I was terribly rude and asked who and embarassed him, and just... I felt so terrible. He didn't want to say so I didn't press of course. It's none of my business! Oh, and it was Hawk that brought it to my attention that the pepsi might make me explode if I moved too much, but he drank a bottle and jumped around to test it out. Turns out all it does is give you gas! More worry for nothing I suppose.

And I don't want to see a dwarf, or even hear that word for quite some time now. There was this big fiasco at the inn that involved me getting into some Dwarven Aphrodisiac, and I thought I was going to get fired.. but no, now Kairee thinks I... do things with multiple dwarves..rope..and.. I wonder which would have been worse, getting fired, or this.

Oh well. At least the week wasn't boring! I'm looking forward to a little bit of peace and quiet now though.

Despite the occasional chaos...

I'm happy.

I'm confused right now.

Today started out so wonderful, why couldn't it just stay that way?

I can't even stay at the inn anymore, Katarina is there... Grem arranged for me and Erin to stay in some apartment in WestEnd. I wanna know why she's doing this. I want Grem and Erin out of it. But then I also want them by my side... I couldn't handle things alone. I'd just give up.

Erin would hate me if she knew what was going on inside me right now. She should. I hate me for this. But I can't help feeling it either... I don't know what to do with it... I'm confused...

Nothing.

I can't do anything about it. I won't. What's to do? I'm so.. pathetic. I always make such a fool of myself when he...

...

Gods listen to me... *this* is what plagues me now? Katarina's.. and they're involved and...

I'm so selfish.

I didn't realize everyone cared so much. So many people put a lot of effort into my birthday party. So many showed. So many gave me a lot of wonderful presents... I was just... I was touched.

Overwhelmed. But in a good way.

He got me a gardenia. Gods he got me a gardenia... I think I can salvage it too...make it grow. I just can't believe he found one...

Erin knows.

If it was so obvious that she could figure it out... gods.

Doesn't matter.

Right?

Yeah...

There's a big event going on at the Hall, but I didn't go. I just needed a day to be alone, collect my thoughts, and bum around in my pajamas.

I also practiced some darts and played around in the kitchen, trying to figure out how to cook and what I could cook...

...maybe some nice sandwiches would work? But that's terrible... I dunno. I'm being silly.

I should go back in the kitchen and look around some more... I hope Erin pointed out the right room.

Today was different.

Very different. But not neccessarily in a bad way, yeah?

There's this strange woman with the same symbol Renna has, she's creepy... gotta talk to Renna about it. She owes me, whether she realizes it or not... For Hawk's sake, I would like to be on somewhat civil terms with Renna.

I felt really overwhelmed suddenly... went to the Memorial Center to Gwydion's grave. Talked with him a bit... some might think that odd...but it's comforting sometimes... to me at least... I asked what I should do, I asked for a sign...

Silly and juvenile I know.. to expect a sign or something to make things better.

But..gods.

I just.. I.. I went back to the inn, and peeked in. I just waved at him when I saw him.. he came out, we sat in silence for a little bit, we talked some, and it was just so... so comfortable. We were going to go back inside.. but he just put his arms around me and I couldn't bring myself to stop it. I didn't want to.. Nothing really happened. No. That's not a true statement. Something happened, even if I haven't figured out what it is yet... this isn't all in my head, right?

Then I remembered Erin.

After it all...

She can't hate me.

She can't.

It's odd, a part of me feels so confident that everything is going to work out and be okay, but another part is absolutely terrified.

I hate when I feel this way. I want that terrified feeling to go away. I want this guilt to go away. I want Erin to never hate me.

Maybe I just want too much. Expect too much.

No.

It's going to be fine.

It is.

I got caught.

Breakfast was nice though, I can't remember the last time silence was this comfortable...

Katarina's back in Veian. Things have been settled. My life is mine finally.

I hope things work out for her.

I think things here are finally getting on track...
...and Kiss Day wasn't so bad.

I think the fear is fading.

I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I hate Renna, part of me wants her dead. Part of me wants to kill her.

But the other part won't let me.

She's going after Erin. I don't know what to do... I wish I wasn't so weak.

...

First date. It was nice.. I keep lying though. He probably knows it too...

That's not fair, and it's not going to work if I keep it up.

But if I tell him everything.. will it.. gods...

I don't know what to do.. I can't keep this up. Keeping everything inside like this is just.. killing me. But I can't.. I can't burden people. They have enough... I need to be strong for them but.. I can't. I wish I could. I can't.

I'm home again. It doesn't feel right, being so far away from them... I feel... alone. Lonely. I wish.. I wish I wasn't so...

...

Things were supposed to be working out... What happened???

Gods help me...

I wanted to hurt them. All of them. I wanted to burn them...

I wanted them.. I...

Am I so weak for holding back? I just... I don't want to become... her.

I feel it sometimes, and I press it back... how long can I keep it up?

Why are things like this now... why are they...

..why...

...

Perfect.

...

Just... perfect.

Not sleeping any time soon if I can help it...

Grem seems more tired than usual, distracted almost. I'm worried about him. And.. he said if I went out to help with things at WestEnd.. he'd worry about me.. I dunno.. I just..

It felt nice... I.. yeah.

...

If I don't see Erin tonight, I'm going to head to her house tomorrow. We should talk and catch up on things. I miss her, and I miss living with her. I should bring some things, try to set up the room she has for me at her home. Then I can stay there sometimes... it'll be nice.

Thought I broke this thing, but Grem fixed it.. or.. really, just told me it needed batteries. Never heard of those before, can't really find them at the marketplace either... I think I need to find another place to shop, especially for this.. 'technology' stuff.

...

Last night was great. Better than great.

I hate having to work right now... it'll give me some time to think though.

..maybe I shouldn't think though?

Just...

I'm starting to worry.. I think something might be wrong with me?

Things I've never been able to do before... I can do... I feel my.. I dunno, it's all changing.. So fast. So much. It even hurts at times...

I hope it stops.. I hope.. I hope I'm just sick.. something simple.

I'm outside his door waiting now...

A lot has been happening recently. Some good, some bad. I can't think straight right now though...

I probably shouldn't worry like this, but I can't help it. I'm just.. realizing a few things, thinking too much I guess..

I feel like I should do...something, anything. I have the means, others don't... but I just...

Gods I'm feeling so confused right now.

I.. I don't understand this at all. I don't understand her.

If you want someone out of your life, if you want them to leave you alone... then you rid yourself of them, right? You don't keep going back to them, and.. plead and.. and.. gods he kissed her! She let him! She let him! I just don't understand what Erin is thinking.. and she's supposed to be married to Sebastian and.. it's not even just him, I've seen the way she acts around Miles. If she loves Sebastian why is she doing this? It's like...

Before... I had felt so guilty about my feelings for Grem, because she had feelings for him too. But even then... she was kissing Thalon, kissing Gideon, kissing Miles... is she just doing that all over again? Why?

So many terrible things keep happening... and when things finally seem right, it's almost like... sabotage? I... WHY?

Ugh...

What could have very well been a terrible and awful day ended so...wonderfully.

Sebastian and Erin have worked things out I think, and they're silly, acting as if I had something to do with it... I know if I hadn't said anything Sebastian would have still approached Erin...right? I'm glad for them, that Sebastian hasn't given up on her.

Then again, when he sees what she's done with her hair, and apparently because of me... gods.

I heard this "Chinese Food" was very good, and Erin told me about this place that sounds great... I'm going to go there first thing in the morning and pick some up to take to Grem's. I really missed him today.. it's silly I know, it's only one day but... still... I miss him when he's not around.

I need to remember to tell him he shouldn't smoke around Natty anymore... what else could I do though? Tell her the truth?

...

I wonder if he used to be as unhappy as she made it sound...

Jewell once told me that he has a tendency to clam up.

I think she's right, because yesterday he seemed... upset? But he wouldn't talk about it too much. I didn't really know what to do or say either, especially not really knowing what was wrong.

It...bothers me. Even moreso than when Natty... gods.

It's not like I have room to talk though, I do the same thing. I won't tell him what's wrong, or if anything's even wrong and... I just don't tell him everything.

...

I met this woman named Storm. She was really nice, and had this beautiful fabric that came from her home. Some place called the Air Realm... I liked talking with her, and she seems to know a lot about magic. While I have it, I've just.. never known much about it. She said she sensed the element of fire in him, and while I know I can use magic involving fire I never really thought... well, I don't know what I thought. Even where I come from, the way my magic works isn't exactly normal... not even Mother's was like this.. and the visions..

Storm said she could do some tests, let me more about my magic and what's going on with me, because .. honestly? The more I think about it the more I get scared. But I think... I think it's passing, or.. settling or.. whatever it's supposed to.. gods, I don't know.

I just want to be *normal*. The way he makes me feel... like I'm normal and not... not what others have called me...

.. that's what I want to be.

I feel a lot better now.

I hurt him...

I didn't mean it, but.. I hurt him. I don't intend to do that again...

I think things will be okay now... tomorrow, we have that to look forward to. I'm.. I'm going to try to make it really special.

...

Gods I hope I don't set his kitchen on fire.

Tonight, things with Grem felt... it felt right again?

Some things happened, and I've lost a lot of respect, if not all, for Sebastian... I need to drop by later and check on Erin.

After that though, it was nice, peaceful, quiet.. just me and Grem. Gods I've missed that so much. When the world, when everything just fades away and it's just us.

...

When I see Storm, she should have the results of my tests...

If there's a God out there listening to me now...? Don't let me go back to what I was, don't take this away from me... don't let me be...

...please?

...

Gotta stop worrying about this...

Wandered through the marketplace.. but since I haven't found anything there, I decided to go to that Stars End place...

Gods.

I got lost for hours.. got in a few arguments.. and I think I made a hobbit cry, but I still haven't found anything...

This shouldn't be that hard...

She's back.

...

I.. I don't know.

She told me that Veian was...

...

If I had done something.. differently...? Maybe...?

This doesn't.. it doesn't feel right. As much as I try, it doesn't.

It's like.. having a reminder. A constant reminder... things I don't want to think about keep coming to me. It's not her fault, it isn't...

But part of me wishes she...

Gods I'm terrible.

I have a chance at life now.. here.. she deserves the same. I hate that this feels.. wrong somehow. I remember when we first came here... it was so much easier, I could.. I could make more of an effort then, no problem. But now.. what's different? I know what she tried to do yeah.. but... I mean... I don't hold that against her, not really. ..Do I?

...So what's different?

...

Maybe with time... I dunno.

I'm so ridiculous.

Well.. no, I still feel like before I... no. It's all okay now, really.

Rather than worry about the actions of others, I need to keep in mind what's important.

I trust Grem.

...

She's a little odd, but I like her. Her intentions aren't, and never were bad... and that's what matters.

I really, really need to get this under control.

I don't know how, but.. I'm going to have to try. Maybe I'll talk to Storm about this... By itself, I know it's not dangerous, it's just.. magical growth I guess... I'm not entirely sure. But I don't even remember how I got to Grem's room... The only thing I remember is... I think maybe I had an odd dream? Something about a tomato plant being rege- ah.. governor of Rhydin? But when I woke up, the plant was right there...?

This has never happened before. It just worries me that it could happen again... around the wrong people. But I'm really not *too* worried about it. I feel much better now anyways. I guess if I get that one... odd feeling again, I know it's coming...

Gods this is so.. aggravating.

...

Erin's gone.

I'm worried, of course. When am I not? It's all I ever do sometimes.. worry worry worry.. that's aggravating too. Probably not to just me either...

It's only going to be what.. a week? But I miss her so much. Already. Where she's at is probably so much safer than here too, and part of me is so glad for that, but another part wants her back here, with me. It's.. selfish, I know, but I can't help feeling this way.

When... Maria was around, so many years ago... we did have some good times together, but I wonder, did she hate me then? Was it all a charade then? Was that just.. another lie in my life? ..With Erin, I don't have to wonder that, because I know she cares about me, and wouldn't.. gods, I don't know.

It's just a week. I can handle that.

...

Like tonight. I can handle *one* night every now and then... but still, I miss him.

I hate feeling like this.

Makes me feel so...

Recorder was picked up, and a finger trailed along the buttons before pressing that one with the red 'o'. A few moments of silence before she lifted it close to her face to speak.


Today was...

...

Sebastian was here and he...

...

...Erin.


Wasn't long before metal and plastic clattered and broke as the recorder met an untimely demise as it was smashed against the floor.

Some guys attacked me and Erin... probably trying to mug us... don't know...

We're okay though... throat hurts... she's scraped up...

...so tired.

I talked to Grem today. Didn't hold back quite like I normally do...

The thing is, I've never really felt like this before, scared.. when it involves...someone else...like this. I dunno. But he said something that really made sense to me. That anything that's worth it is going to be scary...

So I guess this fear I feel is...good? In a way maybe? ...just.. can't let act so ridiculous about it I guess.

Today was wonderful.

She loved the place. We got it. We're doing this.

Skyler's dead.

I don't know any details, just that... he is.

I need to do something for Jewell, let her know I'm there for her.. just don't know what.

...

Nothing about this is right. Nothing.

He's probably at the apartment right now. ..I'm home. I should go back now but.. what's the phrase...

I needed a breather.

There's a lot going on.. and it's not bad, really. It's just.. a lot. Getting this place for the business ready, the research involved in that, the materials for it... working on new dresses and designs for when it's up... always at the market picking something up... helping Sebastian with Erin's dress... I just, I find getting a spare moment for myself a little hard lately. There are other things I need to do, want to do... but I don't have the time for it now. I barely have time enough for all of.. this.

...

Grem talked to Natty. It seemed to go well... if she listened.

Sometimes I don't really know what to think of her... Before, at New Years... she was really nice to me, but tonight? I was right there and it was like before... like I didn't exist. It kinda hurt, or maybe.. maybe it's that she still just, the way she is around him... Gods.

I think she likes him. But that's something I'm not going to worry about. Grem trusts me. I trust *him*. Even if she weren't trustworthy...

...I'm tired of feeling this way.

...

Should practice a little more before I head back. Haven't told them, they don't need to know... can't control everything. Can't control all my feelings.

But this I'm going to control.

I'm not entirely sure why I went out.

I definately didn't expect things to go the way they did... met the oddest man...

...

I'm still worried. But it shouldn't be much longer...

I've just.. I went and I made a big mess of everything. Erin's probably mad at me... I know she didn't mean anything either.. I just.. I made such a big deal of...

I'm so ridiculous.. so stupid.. I probably deserve to be treated like...

...

I'll go see her tomorrow...

Right now things are just... perfect.

Gods, when we all worked on the shop, it was great. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun... Just me and my friends, a mess, no stress, no inn... We should all do it more often. Well, maybe without the mess. Or at least with something other than paint... I didn't think I'd ever get that stuff out of my hair!

Could do without the handcuffs too...

But we did make a lot of progress! It won't be long at all before me and Erin can finally set everything up for the business. I'm still nervous about it, but not as much as before... if Grem has faith in me, I feel like I can do this.

...

Tonight was just... I really do love this 'Valentine's Day'.

I made Grem some falafels. Well, I tried... He's mentioned them, seems to really like them, though I'm not sure if mine came out right at all. It's not like I have anything to compare them with. They were too spicy I think... but he ate them, didn't get sick.. that's something, yeah?

Oh, and he got me these lovely flowers! I've seen none like them before... They're so beautiful... I've always loved flowers. So much.. even before I could see them. The reason I want spring to come is so I can see them. A lot of them. In winter everything seems so.. dead. But.. this is like an early spring.. almost.

He got me some chocolates too, in this pretty little heart shaped box... but I've already eaten most of them, and I didn't even offer to share. I'm terrible sometimes.

He's too good to me. But.. I love it. I love him. I love this.

If everything could just stay this way... always.

I don't want to leave right now. I don't want to be around people.

But gods, I hate being alone like this. ...still.. I'll just have to.. get over it I guess. Erin's grieving too.. I can't just go and bother her whenever I want, and I can't ask Grem to just put his life on hold because.. what.. I'm sad?

A lot of people are sad.. I'll just.. I'll be fine.

Maybe I should try to keep busy, like Erin said.. I could.. do some work, or try to look at that.. book again. Maybe a bath .. something, anything.

I just need to.. stop thinking.

I have hope now.

Yesterday was rather wonderful.

I had been kind of.. neglectful of many of my friends since Storm... so I planned to go to Mille's, have dinner with her and everyone else.. Mason, Carley, Eddie... to catch up and all. That alone would have been great, but Grem came with me too! He seemed to get along pretty well with them, and I know they liked him. Don't think I could have asked for things to have gone better than they did.

Hopefully we can all get together like that more often... I love it when things are just.. normal.

I think the store is ready to be opened. I'm still a little nervous about it, Grem says it'll be fine... I hope Erin can handle this too, I think she's been overworking herself lately. Told me she had dinner with Alain too. I wonder if Sebastian knows.. no. No, it's nothing like that. I know Erin.. she wouldn't do something like.. that. She told me things were better with him anyways.. though I haven't seen him around at all lately..

I feel kinda bad... earlier I lied to her. Told her I was leaving because I was tired, didn't get much rest last night, but really, I slept fine. I just... I love her, and I like Cassie, but.. I feel out of place around them sometimes, around.. I mean.. it's not them, it's really not. It's me.. I just.. I don't really fit in I guess. Things that interest most normal people don't interest me and.. Erin seems different when it's just us, compared to how she is around other people... It just.. I didn't feel up to it tonight I guess.

...

Grem's trying to quit smoking. He doesn't really need to.. but I do hope he succeeds. He told me that scents are getting to be a bit much for him though... I hope that doesn't last long. Made me think of when I first got sight, it was so overwhelming mentally and physically... hopefully whatever he's going through isn't like that.

...for now though? The cinnamon kisses are really nice.

Tonight was just.. strange. Ended well enough though.

Storm's staying at the Scathachian Sanctuary. I know she'll be safe there.. so thankful I have her back.

Erin just...

...I don't know what to do about her.

...

It's kinda like before. Not so sure I can handle feeling like this again...

Just need to focus elsewhere. The positives. Grem, my friends, the store...

Tonight was a mess.

Gideon is a.. gods.. I don't know what to think of that.. really though, what he is isn't of concern to me, it's who.. and who he is.. still the same man that bothered Erin a while ago.. though did it ever stop? I don't even know, I don't think she tells me everything that goes on, which is fine, I don't tell her everything but still.. I worry. And now I'm going to worry more. I just don't understand why he won't leave her alone. I was scared something was going to happen at the inn tonight but.. it didn't.

Next time though... hopefully there won't be a next time.

Erin knows what Grem is too. She didn't seem terribly affected by it, though she might have still been in shock after finding out what Gideon was. I remember when I found out.. I didn't even really know what a werewolf was.

Certainly not a monster.. that I know. At least he isn't.

I'm always nervous when friends meet other friends, or he meets my friends or vice versa... there's always that fear that they won't get along or will hate each other. I don't expect everyone I know to always get along with each other, or even like each other. But a certain amount of civility.. luckily I haven't had much problem there. Grem met Everett tonight, and they seemed to get along. The fact that Grem makes effort with my friends means a lot.. I don't think I know many of his though. I wonder if.. no.. that's ridiculous.

Erin seems to like Everett. A lot. I've seen the way she dotes on him.. the way she looks at him. I wonder if I'm just reading more into it than what's really there. Or maybe I'm not.

...

I.. I've been thinking a lot lately. About my sister. I don't really know why either. I see certain things, and I'm reminded of her. Or.. sometimes I'll see a girl that matches her description and think of her.. and really they probably look nothing at all like her. But I don't know that for sure.. I see the color purple and.. I think of her. I remember how much she loves.. loved that color. Her clothing, her eyes, her jewelry, her room, even her crown... some shade of purple. I really wish I could have seen...

I remember once, years ago, when things were still good between us. Because I believe they were.. they had to be. I don't know exactly what went wrong but.. anyways, I found a peddler selling stones. I couldn't see the stones, but I felt them, kept asking what colors they were.. and he had a purple stone, really smooth, almost perfectly round. I thought Maria would like it, so I bought it for her... and considering her position, she could have any gem or jewel she wanted. The.. 'finest' things I guess. But.. she took the stone and went to a jeweler and had a necklace made of it. For a long time she wore it.. she loved it. Hugged me, thanked me... told me how much she.. loved me. Moments like that were rare I admit... but they did happen back then. I wonder when she stopped wearing the necklace. I wonder if it's when she started to hate me..

Things.. would have been easier if I hated her. Even now. If I held everything she did against her. I have every right to. I should.. She killed father.. she killed Gwydion.. she tried to kill me. Yet I don't.. I don't hate her at all. I miss her. I.. sometimes.. Sometimes I hate myself for killing her. I start thinking maybe if I didn't.. maybe we could have worked things out, that maybe she'd be here today and she'd.. I know it's ridiculous, because it.. it wouldn't have worked out that way. There was no hope for her, she was.. mad. Crazy.. no longer in her right mind. It had to be one of us...

I don't even know where she's buried. Or if she's buried... After the 'accident'... I don't remember much, nothing really. My next memory was so hazy, and somehow I ended up back in a room at the inn. I don't know if someone found her body and.. I should try to find out. I don't really know how, but I should try.. If she's buried somewhere or has a grave.. I wanna know where.

Gods.. I'm really rambling tonight aren't I..?

...

The store. It opens tomorrow.. that's what I should concentrate on. Tomorrow is going to be a great day. I know it.

I think Erin and Sebastian are over.

She lied though, didn't mention his request for a divorce, I had to read that in that.. gossip.. gang.. whatever it's called. I can't really get mad about that though, I do the same thing don't I? All the time.. lie, withhold information. Never tell her anything, never tell Grem anything. It's vexing.

I wonder if they feel the same when I do that...?

I hope not.. not a good feeling. To feel.. to be on the outside like that, closed off.. like.. I dunno.

I worry for her.. I'm not entirely sure what to do for her.

She's not smoking. I think she's trying to change, trying to be better. For *him*.

It kinda.. it makes me angry. That she would do that, change herself for someone else. Trying to better yourself is one thing, as long as it's not *just* for someone else, as long as.. I dunno. I want her to be happy, but I don't want her to be a different Erin than the one I know. I wish she'd.. be like... I dunno.

I wish everything would be the way it was before. Simple... what changed?

...

I can't help but feel lonely now.. my own fault though. Again. I'm the one who's.. walled.

I planned to go to her grave again tomorrow, but I don't really wanna go alone...

Today was... actually really nice.

Store was a bit busy though, and I've gotten a lot of commissions to handle. Too many really.. Grem said the change of seasons would be the busiest times but I hope it doesn't get any busier than this.

It's hard to handle things at the store without Erin's help too. She went to the spa today. Again. Which.. I understand. Sometimes people just need to relax, especially when things are hard, but I don't know how much longer I can handle things on my own. Carley helps, yeah, but she's not as.. business oriented as Erin, and neither am I so.. it's tough sometimes. And it can't be good for business to just close shop whenever we want. The store hasn't been open for two weeks and yet.. I dunno. I haven't said anything to her, I probably won't.. I'm sure it'll get better.

Storm dropped by and we had lunch. I felt bad leaving Carley but she insisted I go too. It was nice though, catching up with Storm. She's one of my best friends and.. I feel so lucky she's back. That she didn't.. I dunno.. this place.. I hear people 'come back' a lot. I hear that death isn't as permanent here. If that's true though.. why hasn't.. gods, I dunno.. ridiculous thoughts.

...

Not really looking forward to tomorrow night. I'm trying not to think of it but.. it's hard. I wish Mason wouldn't come, but he's involved and gods, so stubborn.

At least he's got his place set up.. just in case. They probably won't have.. anything. I should pick up some supplies.. food.. clothing and.. really should have thought this through better.

Had lun- *brunch* with Erin today. She seems better, I guess. I still worry, but I try not to show it that much around her. She told me that she hired a friend of hers to house sit her manor. I don't know them either, don't recall her ever mentioning him.. I just.. I.. I dunno. Don't understand why she didn't just have Ivy or even George look in from time to time.

I just.. don't understand her.

Dance lesson today was fun though, but that's not a surprise. I didn't make a fool of myself this time as much as last time either. I think next week I'll try to dress up a little more, buy a new dress to alter, do my hair.. something.

...

The people staying with Mason, a couple had homes, were able to get back to them, one was taken from somewhere really far from here though. Just need to get some money and things together so she can get back now.

...

Got my first letter from Katarina today. She's doing good, which is.. good. I need to write her back.

I had a nice talk with Kairee today. Of all people...

Somehow ended up agreeing to plan a party... Spring Fling. I'm not sure how that happened, but maybe it'll be fun? An excuse to get lots of flowers at least.

Yesterday was terrible. I wouldn't have expected less though.

...

Today was great. Spent some time with Erin at the inn, and I think I have another musician willing to help out with Spring Fling. I'll have to order flowers for that soon...

Cassie thought I was pregnant... that's just... yeah. I always thought the rumor about the water was silly, so I see no harm in drinking it. And even if it was true, I still can't get pregnant. It's.. silly really, almost funny. I guess.. the reminder made me a little sad, but.. not really. I mean, I know better.

Dance lesson. Perfect as usual. Except my dancing.. not so perfect. It's better though! Erin told me about tango too.. it's like.. that dance I did with Miles at Halloween. I'd really like to learn it now, actually do a good job with it.

I think I just reached the point that... I couldn't deal with things anymore. I couldn't deal with Erin, I couldn't deal with Erin's problems, I couldn't deal with not belonging, I couldn't deal with.. I.. I couldn't deal with feeling so forced into.. gods, I don't even know. I just couldn't handle it anymore. At this point, I don't even know what to expect from her, how she's going to.. act or.. it's like she's not the same, she keeps acting different around everyone and...

..for now I'm done with it. Just for a few days at least. I went out earlier today to make some arrangements with Carley to make sure the store would be taken care of without me there.. but then I came back here. Didn't go out either, since I just don't want to risk running into her.

I'm not angry.. it's nothing like that. I'm just.. I feel I need some time, some distance.. I hope it's not selfish to want this.. and actually do this, but even if I hadn't what good would I be to her? To anyone? So few things are.. right lately. Just.. nothing feels right.. well, maybe a few things.. very few, but at least I have that. If I didn't...

I do feel somewhat relieved already.. almost like a bur- no.. no... not.. not like that I mean..

Gods I don't know.

I.. I've made such a mess of things.. everything..

Can't fix things.. can't take things back.. can't make it right.

Gods, there's always something...

Me and Grem are okay now though.. By all rights though he should still.. I dunno, be angry with me. People drive me crazy with worry sometimes, and for me to do that, I mean.. I shouldn't put him through things like that. And I shouldn't put my friends through unnecessary worry either.

Raye said I should stop thinking of everyone else, start thinking of myself a little more. I guess that makes sense.. it's about balancing it I guess. I can't think of myself too much, but I can't neglect myself either.

Then again she believes one life is worth many... The more I think on that, I just, I can't agree with it. For someone to say that the life of a.. I dunno, bad person is worth the life of many good.. it's like implying that someone has a right to judge what is bad, and what is good, and things in life just aren't that simple. So often it doesn't even come down to good and.. and bad.. or.. evil or whatever does it? No one really has that right to judge someone do they? I can't condone it.. can't condone one life for many.. I wish.. I wish I could change how things went down when.. gods, I really didn't want him to die.. if the wound wasn't so bad maybe I could have.. could have done something to help? I.. probably not.. always so useless in situations like that.

I can't understand the actions of others sometimes.. the way Raye and that man acted with the robber.. he had a gun and they just.. it's almost like they didn't even.. maybe I just worry and panic too much.

Hadn't seen Everett for a while.. until tonight. He was with Gideon.. gods of all people. Can't do anything about that though, just like I can't do anything about Erin. I could tell Everett what Gideon is, but what if that put him in danger? I can't risk that... he's an adult, he'll make his own choices. I just hope this choice doesn't cause irreparable damage to him...

...

Not everything is bad though.. the puppy I took in is doing so much better now. I think he just needed some food and water more than anything... Named him Hershey. He's really cute, but gods what a mess.. nothing like Mellon. Then again my room is too small for him and.. I can't keep him either. He'll get big and be too much to handle. I can find him a good home though. Someone's bound to want him, he's a wonderful little puppy.. if I could keep him myself I would but.. I just can't.

...

... haven't talked to Mason in a while. Other day Mille asked me if I knew why he was avoiding people. Another mess...

I know Carley wanted to talk to me tomorrow.. about something important. I just hope it's nothing bad. Not sure I can handle more bad news.

...

Can't really sleep.. close my eyes and it's.. guns, and fire, and.. and.. feel so silly not being able to sleep by myself. Think I'll go sew up that shirt.. add a button.. try to fix it.

.. It hurts to realize you're not nearly as important to someone as you once were. To feel cast aside. A little distance is one thing, this is another entirely.

Things were different before.. so much different.. I fear things will never be like that again.

I fear part of me doesn't want it to be like that again... just for this to happen again. ..Which it would.

This is just.. this.. I hate this.

And I'm done trying to be.. friendly to.. as many as.. gods..

This just.. it..

...

...

..Amthy was wonderful though.. confusing but she's very sweet. Very nice.. I'll have to find a nice fabric to make a dress for her for Spring Fling.

Hopefully this trip will help.

...

Just hope I'm not so easily replaced by everyone else I know when I'm gone.

There is no ghost. I don't think I *really* believed there was.. but I didn't know how to explain some of the things that would happen at the inn.

Turns out? It was Toby.

All considered? I guess I shouldn't be terribly surprised.

I hadn't talked to him in a while... saw him today. The things he said.. gods, I... I wish I had known things sooner. I wish I could have helped him before he felt so.. so desperate? I guess we're all capable of reaching that point of desperation.. there's something that can drive us all to do things we normally wouldn't.

I should visit him soon.. yeah.. I will.

...

..what is happening to everyone?

I talked with Sebastian. It went well enough I suppose... I told him that.. I suspected Chi wasn't the only one. I feel kinda bad for doing that, but I don't feel it's right for him to believe in false hope either.. but.. he'll do what he does. Hopefully whatever it is, will be what's best for everyone.

..hope I didn't make a scene at the bar though, should probably apologize to Cor. Don't know what got into me...

...

Just.. what good could possibly come of one sided love?

I visited Toby at his cabin today. He seemed.. well enough. Not like he usually is, but.. all considered.. I think he'll be okay. Just needs time.

I think I'll go back soon.. bring Hershey.. maybe he'll help cheer him up. Helped me before when I needed it..

...

I hadn't been sleeping, so I finally slept tonight. Early too, for me at least... didn't sleep long though. I was having dreams about.. well.. her, of all people.

I guess it's actually not that surprising.

...wish I could take it back.

I don't know what gives anyone the idea that they have a right to play with lives and souls... to bring someone back when they've.. no.. no one has that right.

It's not the same as healing.

But there's not much I can do is there? There never has been much I could do. Not for her...

...

Gods I hope history doesn't repeat itself...

I'm taking Mellon in tomorrow to get.. fixed.

It should be okay. I was worried but Grem said there was no reason to be. I guess this is a common thing so.. it'll go just fine.

I think I should just finally accept things as they are...

I had the most.. awful nightmare tonight. I think I've been having it, but it's never been this clear. It wasn't entirely clear this time though.. everything was so... hazy. But it was clear enough.. real enough.. gods..

I don't know why I dreamt it.. just a silly dream, right? Well, maybe not silly but.. I think I do this to myself sometimes without even realizing it.. when things go right I start thinking it's too good to be true.. start feeling guilty for it.. That's probably what it is. All it is.

I can't think about it. Can't concentrate on it.

I can't exactly fall back asleep though..

...

Thinking about the past year.. I mean.. when I really think about it? It seems surreal. I never thought things could ever change, let alone change so quickly.. things happen here, in Rhydin.. I never thought could happen.. things exist I never thought could exist.. even the people? Well.. some of them at least.. I never thought people so good, so compassionate and selfless could exist.. there's plenty of bad here too, but I guess.. the good makes all the difference. Even if it's just a little.. it's so much more than Veian ever had.

Well.. Veian did have some good, it was just so much harder to find.. and the little I did find or have, I lost it. When I start to think about it.. I start pushing it away, out of my mind.. try to forget it.. but I don't want to forget it anymore. It hurts to remember, but to just forget it, pretend it never happened... pretend they never existed... I can't do that. I think that's why I feel so terrible at times... but by forgetting the bad I forget the good as well.

Gwydion... other than Father? He was the first one... only one there that accepted me. He didn't see elf. He didn't see human. He saw *me*. More than anything... he was my friend... I guess... maybe at the time I didn't know how to be a friend in return, I didn't know a lot of things then. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I only caused more grief with my actions.

Father. I miss him most of all.. not a day goes by I don't think of him. If there is any good to me it's because of him. For nearly twenty years, he was the only one who.. who I *really* had. It was never ups and downs with him... he loved me unconditionally. It's been storming a lot here lately, and I think of him when it does. The times when I was younger, the thunder scared me so much, even moreso than it does now. At the Sacrosanct I was alone and it.. it was just horrible there. But when I was in father's castle he would always make a point to find me, and he would never leave my side. Those were the only times I didn't fear the thunder...

Mother even... she wasn't entirely heartless or cold.. she couldn't be. After.. after father died I shut down to everything. I couldn't eat or sleep or.. or anything. I couldn't even cry at first. I just laid in bed for days.. there were a few moments where I even considered.. ending things. At the time I thought I had nothing. How can anyone be expected to live and carry on when they have nothing? To be strong.. for who? For what? Yourself? I guess I was just never the type to carry my own strength.. I had to draw it from others. I had never felt so lost in my life... and then mother came to see me. I thought she would yell at me, hit me, tell me I shouldn't show emotion, tell me I should move on, that I had a duty.. a legacy to carry on... things she had always said and done before.. but this time? She took me in her arms and just held me.. rocked me for hours as I cried. I realized then... I'd be okay. Because there *was* a part of her that loved me. Even if she didn't show it, it's only because she was raised a certain way. If not for father I would have become the same as her... it's just circumstance that saved me.

Maria... I think by all rights, I should hate her. It would probably make things easier.. I could move on. But I don't hate her. For a while.. I did, or maybe I thought I did. I concentrated on the bad things that had happened.. I could only remember the pain she caused... which gods.. it was so much.. She was responsible for all their deaths.. murdered father.. ordered mother's execution.. killed Gwydion with her own hands.. assisted in starting the genocide.. the war.. Gods, I guess it would be easy to hate someone like that.. I think I.. I must have, to kill her.. But she wasn't always like that, always evil. Perhaps not the best of people, no, but she did have her moments. I .. I believe a part of her at least, did love me, and I loved her. .. still love her. Maybe it's delusion on my part.. I can say these things because she's gone.. because I killed her.. maybe it's how I cope with that. Because by taking her life, there is no chance she can ever change, no chance of repair, no chance at.. at a happy life.. I took that from her. Even what she took from me.. did I really have that right? To take those things from her? I don't think I did... but it's a decision one can't just take back. When you kill someone.. you kill them. There is no fixing it or undoing it. I guess.. I guess there wasn't a chance of her ever... coming back though. Whatever it was that changed her, whatever corrupted her... it had a really strong hold on her. I wish I could have seen it coming, been there for her.. stopped it from taking it over her. Before it did though... we had some good times. I.. wear the shirts I do because of her. Back then I was so skinny... so frail and... I couldn't see it, but I could feel it, and I remember feeling so self conscious. I remember she got me a few blouses.. and told me I had beautiful neck and shoulders. That it made her jealous.. I thought it was ridiculous though.. I had heard what people said about her.. But.. I dunno... She was there for me after I killed for the first time as well... told me it was okay.. I had every right to defend myself..

...

It's not the same and it never will be.

Katarina and I are on really good terms. We write and send letters to one another.. the last time I visited her things felt.. the felt as close to right as it ever has with her. I guess since losing the rest of my family, it's.. especially important to me that I work things out with her...

I no longer need escort or guardian to go anywhere.. I can just go anywhere as I please. At any time, to any place... though I supposed I should be more mindful doing such things. It's not exactly fair to Grem to be running around wherever without notice all the time.

I'm... not as dependent on others. I actually work now. I earn my own money. I don't have as much as I did at the Sacrosanct, but there is something to be said for earning your own... five silvers from a blouse means more to me than twenty gold simply handed to me.

Still don't really have *my* own place. Maybe someday I'll get something bigger, just to replace my room at the inn. I don't think I'd stay there much though... if at all... I rather like it here in this apartment. I like seeing him before I sleep, and I like seeing him when I wake up.. I guess.. it's not really the apartment then..

About seven months now.. I sometimes wonder what he sees in me. I'm not exactly what someone could call beautiful... I'm not terribly interesting... I'm this.. I'm... I'm not terribly intelligent. I'm.. gods.. I dunno. I can be such a mess sometimes... I get scared of thunder, I let.. I let *stupid* dreams affect me more than they should, I make mistakes and.. and.. he's there. Still there.. I spill something on myself and he doesn't laugh.. I cook something and.. I mean.. I'm not a good cook.. but he'll eat it. I... carry this.. ridiculous attachment to a flower and he finds it when no one else could.. I.. tell things to a machine that I should tell him.. I'm terribly foolish sometimes... most times I think...

Erin I.. I sometimes don't know what's going on with us, but.. she's still so important to me, sister, friend.. whatever it is she is to me... does it even matter? No matter the title we put on it.. it'll be what it is.. Things are good for the moment though.. We'll work it out. She's just a mess like me. I'm just better at hiding it from people I think.. Certain people still see it though.. At least I think they do, even when I try to hide it. I wonder sometimes if I should try hiding things so much..?

...Never, ever thought life could be like this. Compared to the alternative I could have had... I wonder if it's such a ridiculous thought that.. that someone brought Grem and Erin into my life? I guess not.. considering everything I've seen here, anything is possible. I guess the 'hows' or 'whys' of it doesn't matter.. it's just the way it is now... and I'm thankful for it. Thankful for them.

...

Gods it's late.. I'm exhaused, but I think I can sleep again now. Bed is pretty inviting right now.. just hope I don't wake him up again.

I don't understand why Erin and Carley had to get my cousin involved in all of... this.

I suspect they did more than just.. going to a club to dance and drink as well. I can't imagine what it is they'd do though.. but I don't think it's good.

I feel so in the dark about all of this. If I don't know what to do, how can they..?

And what can I do now to fix this..?

I haven't been using these tapes for a while now.. guess in a way it's easier to write things down. Not sure why, it just worked out that way. I hadn't listened to them either, so I'm not sure what brought on the urge tonight.

Not only is my life different, but I'm different. In some ways it's good, in some ways.. I do wonder. I'm still the same in many ways though. Even then, the past had a grip on me. Is it something I'm really always going to struggle with? Maybe I'll just have to press hard all that much harder.. and remember that at least now? I'm not alone. Then I thought I was at times. In a way it was awful to listen to these tapes, it was just like reliving some awful memories. Like.. when Katarina was here with the intent to kill me. Certainly found out I wasn't alone though. Not alone at all.

And you know... I still haven't found a place around here that sells gardenias. Even then, before when we were just friends, he must have gone through a lot of trouble. For flowers. For me. Because that's what I wanted.. though I asked because I didn't think he'd be able to find them. Didn't want anyone going to trouble for presents. Figured he'd just give up... So many have drifted in and out of my life. So many I thought so highly then? Right now I either.. just.. don't know what to think of them or.. perhaps I don't think well of them at all. Things then.. people then.. I thought I'd have now? Gone. Yet he's still here. The one constant in my life that's not given up or grown tired of me or moved on to.. something else.

I'm beyond thankful for that. For this. For him.

I've lost a lot.. gained a lot.. I.. don't know. Don't really feel a need to continue on with these tapes. At least for now. I guess maybe.. it's like, if I put them up, I'm putting away a part of my life, to move on with a different part. A new part. I feel I have gained some perspective though. All this time, sometimes, some things just won't change. Ever. No matter how much I want it to. Sometimes things get bad.. terrible.. feel like.. I lose hope, but it always gets better. It always will.

Yesterday, today... even if those moments are bad, there's always tomorrow to look forward to, right?

*click*