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This page had a bit of coke spilled on the corner...

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Another envelope was tucked away inside the book. Outside on the front was her name, 'Lydia', written in a beautiful script, the 'L' particularly embellished. Inside was a poem, handwriting belonging to one Everett Ogden of Warwick.

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6-28

I think I'll get a real journal soon, but for now this will do. Some things are easier to say than to write, and some are easier to write than to say. I think getting thoughts on paper might help me with reading and writing too. I'm finally good enough I can keep a journal. Not that this has to be good or anything. No one will be reading this, except maybe me. I'm not sure. I've never even went back to listen to my recordings. Maybe I should do that sometime? To say my life has changed is an understatement at this point.

I hope Piper was interested in Sebastian, because the thoughts of him and Carley are just.. what's with someone his age wanting to date Carley?

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

But my motivation for it was all wrong too wasn't it? I wasn't looking out for Sebastian's interests, I was looking out for Carley's. Or maybe my own? I'm not even sure.

Part of me. No. Most of me. All of me. Just doesn't care.

I guess that says a lot about me.

-

Tonight was pretty wonderful. In the midst of everything else going on... Gods I'm just so glad I have him. He keeps me grounded. Keeps me from going crazy. Doesn't even always have to say anything to do it either. Funny the effect someone's presence can have on you isn't it?

This particular entry was written with a black pen rather than green.

7-1

Hate black ink.. lost my pen though.

Today was nonsense. Total nonsense. I'm not even going to try to make sense of it.

The people of this city are crazy, and I'm even crazier for staying here... but the good, the genuinely good here- rare as it is -is worth it.

-

It shouldn't bother me, but someone called me abominable today. I suppose I'm too sensitive for my own good, and I wouldn't have liked to be called anything negative. Who would? But something about- that word really strikes at my core.

That's what they called me there. In Veian. An abomination. I still remember the times I'd be out and people I didn't know, people I had never met would call me that. Throw things at me, yelling, screaming, spitting at me... It was awful.

And now I have to deal with people calling me that here..?

I hope no one here really thinks of me in that way.

7-4

Tonight was great. Uriko had a small event with fireworks and games and me and Grem went. The fireworks were beautiful. The colors and shapes- they were so unlike the fireworks I saw at New Years. I want to see more but I guess I'll have to wait a few more months before I can.

Uriko gave us all glow sticks and sparklers. The glow sticks are really pretty, but I can't figure out how they glow. I don't sense any sort of special magic in them, so maybe it's not magic? Like the fireworks. The sparklers are pretty great too. Grem ended up showing me all sorts of neat tricks you can do with them, like making streams of light. I tried but can't do it nearly as well as he can.

One of the games set up was some kind of contest I guess. You had to use a gun that shoots water to fill up a balloon and pop it before anyone else does. Me, Grem and Stephen tried it, and I think I could have done better, but I think my gun was broken. I did manage to spray Jewell without her noticing though! http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t6/VirescentElf/RPMisc/face.gif Grem ended up winning. He's really good at that sort of thing. Got me this big, adorable stuffed kitty I wanted. Looks kind of like Mellon except- bigger. It was really sweet of him.

I love him. Not for that, but for everything. Never giving up, never walking away, not even when I gave up, or when I walked away. Reminding me that I'm not alone when I start to feel it- for everything.

Someday, I'll find some fancy words to really express it, or the right gift to buy to show it. For now, I can only hope he already knows.

The handwriting in this entry is slightly messier than the norm.


7-12

It's been almost a week since-

I.. barely remember any of it, honestly. Bits and pieces come back to me, sometimes just hitting out of nowhere. I remember leaving the Stitch, I remember Erin laying there, I remember getting drained, cut- not much beyond that. Vague flashes of that awful warehouse- the noises. Don't remember how I got this bruise on my face, though I can guess. Then I woke up here. Was out for a while apparently. Slept a bit the past few days. Not so much now with the memories coming back and the dreams I'm having now.

Won't be dancing- or running for a while. Not with my knee the way it is. Healers managed to help some though, so the damage is temporary. I can walk a little on it, but not much at this point. Should be well enough to go out for a little bit in another couple days I guess. Not sure I'm going to. Fahl's still here. (A barely legible sentence, as if written quickly or in anger)

No way to get back, but no way to take me away either- not with the stone gone. I'm not happy at all that Fahl is here, but given the choices? I think Grem made the right one. It was either do that, let him go to do this again, or kill him. Other two just weren't options. Gods I just pray he stays away from me, from all of us.

-

I've always thought people shouldn't be forced into a position or situation simply because of birth. I've always thought that I had no obligation to anyone in Veian simply because of who my parents- who my mother was. Never thought I owed any of them anything. Even if I did- what could I have done? What could I do now? Who would I even do it for? Human? Elf? And for what- there's little difference aside from ear shape or- Gods, it's just stupid. And so many blame me.

Is it so wrong for me to refuse to give up what I have now for people who hate me so? What I have now, I never had there. Gods.. how dare Fahl come and try to take it from me, take them from me- I'm not the selfish one.

I. Am. Not! (There's a small tear in the page here)

-

Couldn't sleep. Big suprise.

I miss everyone. It hasn't been that long, but it feels like it has? Part of me wants to go see them, but I can't with my knee the way it is now. I'd make things right with everyone if I could- probably why no one has come to visit, isn't it? Pushed them away, put them through this- but I thought Erin would have come at least. I hope she's not angry at me for what happened. I'd like to think it's not my fault. I'd like to think she doesn't blame me..

Grem's stayed close, taking care of me- gods he saved me. I don't know what I'd do if not for him. Though, I guess I do know don't I? Still with Fahl- somewhere. He's been great as always, and I'm writing in this book, barely talking to him. I want to but.. I think I've been enough of a burden.

-

Is it so strange I still feel terrified?

7-18

Gods, I don't think today could have gone worse, even if I tried.

Months ago. That warehouse. It was Travanix's. Gods. And he was in the inn today, looking at me and Jewell- didn't like that. And later I said- gods. Apparently my not liking slavers an being short had him accusing me of being the one who-ugh. Granted it was me, but he has no proof. I played dumb, continued to play dumb. Maybe he bought it? He threatened me too. I'm not terribly worried though. Just gotta be vigilant. Can't hesitate if he makes a move. I can't.

Past is hitting again, but this time it's my own fault. My own stupidity. Gods, to have to pay now? To have to put people I know through things again?

I'm such an idiot.

Going to have Grem teach me how to use a gun now. I was hesitant about it at first, but that's not even everything that happened.

Later, some idiot was trying to bait me into a fight. A really violent, vile man. Same one that slaughtered the man who attacked Chryrie that one night. I'm not going to fall for such weak bait and empty threats though. Not make more problems. But gods, the inn tonight? People pulling weapons and pistols and threatening each other.

Don't feel so bad about learning to use a gun myself now. Especially with my magic still a little off since being drained. Should get better soon. Hopefully.

Gods, and I'm so sorry to make things worse. I am.

Nights like this.. I think things would be better if I just locked myself up somewhere and never left. Guess there's a reason they did that with me back at home.

I really do just make everything worse and get in trouble.

7-22

Busy day today. I anticipate being busy for a while longer too. It helps.

I realize I hate being at the mercy of mind readers, but telepathic ability hasn't a thing to do with magic so there's nothing I can do about that right now... maybe if I could find out more about it? I know people with the ability, so sometime I'll have to talk to them to see if there's a way to counter it. Not that they're the ones I worry about.

Others using magic on me. Even if the intention is good, it makes me uncomfortable. There is something I can do about this however. I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea, all considered, but- It shouldn't be a problem with this spell, and it was common practice in Veian. So long as I don't tamper with certain spells or mediums, it should be fine.

-

I checked the date on his tombstone. It's hard to believe it's almost been a year.

Later I'll pick up something nice from the florist. Seems the right thing to do on the date it happened. Anniversaries are supposed to be an important thing after all..


7-23

Erin's going to kill me when she gets back and realizes just how much time off I keep giving Carley and Ivy. Maybe it's my fault business is so bad at this point?

But things worked out with that woman and I'll be able to pick up the amulets in a couple days. One was pricey enough, but two- I had to dig up a considerable amount for that. But I couldn't exactly get one made for myself and not Grem. If it works the way I think it will, it will give me peace of mind if he has one too. I hate it had to be silver though, but I have an idea to take care of that.

I got my first gun lesson today. I only got to fire it off a couple times, since Grem wanted me to know the parts and how it worked more than anything. Which is good, since I wasn't even sure how to hold the thing. And it's good to know how to use it without accidently shooting myself or someone else.

-

Carley drives me nuts.


7-24

I've terrible aim with the gun. I'm surprised Grem didn't laugh. He makes using it look much easier than it actually is.

Saw Storm today for the first time in.. ages. It was great, but things aren't going so well for her. She and Ewan are no longer today. I wish there was something I could do for her, but there's not much to be done for a broken heart. She'll just need some time, and I can't give her that.

I told her about the place Mr. Miller showed me, and she seemed interested. Perhaps she'll want it. We even have plans to go look later.

I know I said I wasn't going out today, but I think I may, since she mentioned she'd be at the inn.

I really did miss her. She's one of so few that I really connect with.

7-30

Full moon tonight, so I'm staying at my room at the inn. I probably shouldn't have stayed out as late as I did, considering I have a full day tomorrow, but I'm used to operating with little sleep. Then again- I have been sleeping better lately. I see less and less of him when I close my eyes. That's a good thing.

I went to the inn tonight, and oddly enough it didn't erupt into any sort of disaster. Considering it's Monday, everyone was probably at the outback getting drunk and beating the crap out of each other.

I saw Panther, decided to speak with him, get details of his deal with Anubis for myself rather than go by what I heard. I'm of opinion he did what he did for a reason. I might not understand it, but for now, I'll trust it, and I'll trust him to do what he thinks is the right thing, since these things aren't always black and white. Slavers are tricky to deal with anyways- arrogant- Gods I don't want to get into this.

Sid doesn't blame me for Esme. I'm grateful for that, but there's still a part of myself that blames me. What ifs keep coming to mind. I shouldn't think on it too much. I can't live in guilt. Or rather, I can't live in more guilt.

I talked quite a bit with Glenn. I kept trying to offer him ideas and kept telling him about possible jobs. Maybe I'm overcompensating with him where I failed with Esme and others? I don't know, but hopefully something will pan out for him. I get the feeling he's not particularly happy with his current situation.

I'm excited about tomorrow, spending the day with Storm. It's been too long since we have. I really do hope she takes the place. The things Glenn said- and- I guess now I see Grem was right. So many in this city need a home, and I certainly don't. It seems like Grem is always right. Vexing and comforting all the same. It's weird.

I won't be able to see him early like I usually do, but I'll leave him breakfast. Hopefully won't burn that. After lunch with Storm I'll drop by his room though. I thought of maybe going to try to find Erin, but she didn't even come to work today. I guess she needs space. Or is mad at me. I'm not sure.

I hate this. I keep thinking- what's really changed? Have we not always been friends? I consider that the base of all my close relationships. We called each other sister, but beneath that, there was friendship wasn't there? Grem is my boyfriend, but beneath that, we're friends. That's what's important. The title is changed, but my feelings have not.

Perhaps I'm just over thinking this. I probably am. I tend to do that.

I did with the letter from Katarina when I got it. It bothered me, but I guess I'm okay with it now. I'm more accepting of it. Before, maybe I was trying to force things. Force things to work, force things to fit together that wouldn't. I think I still feel a little bitter, but that can't be helped.

I just hate there's no longer a 'someday' to have hope for. I'm accepting it though. I have to.

-

I have mixed feelings about Saturday. I feel so confused about it, and haven't really let myself think too much on it. Not until now. I considered not going, but that doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I don't feel it's one of those things I can speak freely to Grem about either. It just wouldn't be fair would it? He's already had to deal from plenty from me anyways. And anyone else.. I just don't feel I can open up about it. Not this. So it goes here, in this book.

I hate that I couldn't save you.
I hate that any chance at life you had was taken away because of me.
I hate that you loved me. That love killed you. I'm sorry I couldn't love you back.
I hate that you loved her. It killed you too.
I hate that I never even got to see your face.
I hate that I can't remember the song you used to play for me anymore.
I hate that I can't seem to forgive myself for all of this.
I hate not knowing if you can forgive me.

And I need to let go of it all. This hate, the pain. Everything in my past. I can remember it, but I can't keep clinging to it as I always have been. You included.

You, my sister, my mother, my father, my cousin, my home. I can cling to everything good and positive about those things, and I will. But guilt, the ghosts, the pain. No. More. I won't be a slave of it anymore.

So even without your forgiveness, I will walk away. And I will live in the present, and enjoy what I have now.

The person I remember you as would want me to.

8-7

Lately, I haven't been okay.

Too much was coming at me from too many sides I suppose, and I just didn't know how to handle things. Especially not alone. Harold's words made sense, sure, but- the way he went about it- I guess it doesn't matter much anymore.

I can't believe how much better I really do feel now though. Talking to Grem, even if I didn't tell him everything really has made a difference. I just feel- better. And- even if there are some I've lost, recently or not, I have him.

So I'm okay now. If I just keep that in mind, I know I'll be fine.

-

Even went out for a little bit tonight. It was actually pretty nice, just being around friends, talking, conversing, actually feeling and being okay and happy without it being a big act. Things were pretty peaceful too.

Even saw Wyh. She's doing really good, really happy with James. She told me they've been together over a year now. I guess I hadn't realized I had never been with anyone for that long. Even now- about nine months I guess? Next month. Ten months. Then it'll be the longest relationship I've been in. Not that I've had many. Maybe that's why I mess up? Things are relatively new to me.

Not as new to me as they are to Carley though. It's painful in a way to watch her. But she's learning, and I'm stepping back. She can't be babied, and people can't keep humoring her the way they do. Sometimes you have to make mistakes in order to learn, hopefully th-

The sounds of footsteps probably shouldn't have me grinning so much.

8-20

I can't understand why someone who has so many people who care about them and so willing to go out of their way for them would be so reckless and destructive. Like it doesn't matter. Like they don't matter.

Is a drink so worth it? The risk? Of loss of life, or freedom, or harm or-

-

And Mason. I really hope he's not up to anything- It bothers me that he suddenly has all that money though. I just have this sinking feeling I can't shake.

-

Been meaning to go through my old tapes. Think I'll do it now.

9-7

Gods, I nearly got Baker killed tonight- he was just trying to help and that awful- gods I-

That man isn't going to stop either. He's just, gods. What a mess.

This is a big mess I didn't need now. None of us did, and I had to go and- what am I supposed to do now?

10-18

It shouldn't be possible to feel so alone when surrounded by people, yet I do lately. Part of that is my fault, I know. I suppose it's the easier of two choices. Easier than before. I guess I should be happy about the upcoming trip, but it's just going to be a lie isn't it? Then things will be like - this, again, won't it?

I don't like the way things are now. I just couldn't handle the way things were then. I hate how nothing can just be simple. Just work out.

10-26

Jenli was wonderful, but it still feels good to be back here. Like I'm home. It's not perfect here, but that's what it's become to me- home. I guess it feels strange to write that, or feel that way, considering the place that really is my home isn't? Then again home isn't really where you're born is it? We all make or find our own homes.

The trip itself was really nice. Fun. I got to spend some time with Erin which was great, but I wonder how long that's going to last now that we're back here. Even Carley, I feel more distant from than usual. But I spent some time with her too. Crazy as she is I still adore her. I should probably try to make more time for her, though that may be a little hard.

It's almost November, and it's gonna get really busy when we work on the expansion for the store. But maybe it won't be so bad, since we should be getting a bit of help on that. Knocking out the wall and repainting is probably going to be the hard part. That, and it'll take a little time to get the new shelves. I should probably talk to Glenn about that soon. There's a room in the flower shop he could use as a work room, once it's November.

-

I picked up some tea from a shaman in Jenli. Jian recommended it, said nothing but good things about this man. It's supposed to help people sleep, even eliminate nightmares. Well, dreams in general, but I can deal with that. If the nightmares go away, I'll be happy. So I'm really hoping this stuff works.

Seeing as how late it is I should probably go make a cup now and try it out. I probably won't know for another week or so if it's really working or not.

11-3

Tonight- I don't even know what happened tonight.

Earlier, I had a run in with the Nexus, I guess, and walked out of a restroom in The Arena. I never go to this place, because I'm not a fan of the duels, not really. Well, not the way most treat them. But I saw Erin and Cor dueling and thought it might be fun to duel Erin. She takes the sword duels pretty seriously, and she's actually really good at them. I didn't realize she was, but it was nice to see firsthand. But it was nice to, I dunno, do something she liked, to be a part of- 'her world' I guess? I ended up winning the duel though and I don't think she was too happy about that. Something about it messing up her rank. So I just felt like I screwed that up.

Later at the tea shop I know I screwed things up with Glenn. He was already upset and I make it worse then I got upset and I dunno- it was just bad. It's weird I suppose, because I've never really met anyone I've seen so much of myself in..? I don't know how to explain it, or how to react to it. Sometimes he's impossible, really, but it's frustrating to realize that I do it too. That's how I am. Just- impossible.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. I'm actually really looking forward to it.