Topic: E-I-E-I-OMG, or Missie Gets a Chicken (18+)

FioHelston

Date: 2009-06-07 21:05 EST
E-I-E-I-OMG, or Missie Gets a Chicken
A Play in One Act

Characters
ALI AL-AMAT: Forty-something, Egyptian, has a limp
DANTE: A brindled blue greyhound, male
MISSIE: Apparent age nineteen, child persona of Ali?s mentally ill lover, Fionna, Chimera, mental age five
RAVER #1: Late teens, male, human
RAVER #2: Late teens, male, human
ASSORTED CHICKENS

The Setting
A three-bedroom penthouse apartment in a run-down section of Rhydin City known as WestEnd. Clean, modern decor at odds with the urban warzone of the area is beautiful, but sterile.

Time
Late spring. The Present. Approximately 4 A.M.


ACT I ? SCENE 1

(It is still dark. The apartment is cozy, drowsy and warm. The scent of clean sheets, lavender soap and sex linger in the rarified air of the bedroom, and somewhere, across town, Perp Miz chimes out an uncertain hour. Four? Five? The larger moon, Trebor, is a pale sliver of himself, and Arabrab is too low on the horizon to be certain of the time. A door creaks. Bare feet pad silently down the hall. And suddenly the sleepy peace of the house is broken by a piercing and delighted shriek.)

MISSIE
(MISSIE enters from stage right. Runs into the living room, naked)

DOGGIE!!!

(Barking and much clamor ensue in the living room. From offstage, a shout and a crash, as if someone has woken suddenly and fallen from bed.)

ALI
(offstage)
(Curses in Arabic)

MISSIE
(Laughs delightedly)

DANTE
(Barks)

(MISSIE chases DANTE around the room and over furniture. It sounds like the apartment is being torn apart by Saracens as they chase each other, their feet thunderous on the wood floor. DANTE suddenly sprouts gauzy, glowing butterfly wings and leaps from couch to chair to table to floor.)

MISSIE
(Jumps on the couch and tries to catch at his feet.)

Ooooooh! Purty! But doggies aren't supposed to have WINGS!

DANTE
(Stands up onto his hind legs and boxes playfully at her, then snaps out another bark and clears the coffee table with his bound.)

MISSIE
(Hops onto the coffee table)

Shush, doggie! Shush! You're gonna wake up Ali! Come down off the ceiling an' play with me!

ALI
(Offstage, sounding groggy)

What?

MISSIE
(Stretches toward dog, almost reaching a paw)

Come ? Here!

DANTE
(Matrixes off the far corner of the room, wall-window-ceiling and ricochets downward toward the floor. The glowing wings flicker out like a switch thrown just before he hits the floor.)

ALI
(ALI enters from stage right, naked, rubbing his face)

What the devil is going on in here?

MISSIE
(Stands in place and grins before flinging herself off the table and at him for a huge full-bodied hug)

Hi, Ali! I LOVE the flying doggie! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

(Accompanied by a hail-storm of soft kisses)

ALI
(Half-frozen with shock, his mouth open)

Uh.

ALI
(Snaps out of it)

His name is Dante, Missie. And he doesn't fly. I?m glad you like him.

ALI
(Mutters aside)

Pants. Pants NOW.

MISSIE
(Laughs as she touches her nose to his and presses her hands to his cheeks)

Silly, Ali! Of course he can't fly now. He put his wings away when you came out.

MISSIE
(A pause and a whisper)

I think your woohoo scared him.

ALI
(His eyes squeeze shut in something akin to pain)

MISSIE
(MISSIE releases ALI and crouches down to pet DANTE, who batters them both relentlessly with the whip of his tail)

And you have pretty wings, don't you, Dante?

ALI
(Flees, stage right)

Your chickens are here. Put some clothes on first!

(Sound of a door slamming offstage)

MISSIE
(Excited)

Chickens!

DANTE
(Barks enthusiastically)

MISSIE and DANTE
(Run to exit, stage left)

ALI
(Muffled shout, from other room)

Clothes first!

(The door to the deck slams as it is opened)

MISSIE
(Shouts from outside)

I LOVE YOU, CHICKENS!

ALI
(From offstage, groans loudly and curses in Arabic)

End ACT I, Scene 1

FioHelston

Date: 2009-06-11 19:09 EST
ACT I, SCENE 2

(It is still dark on the rooftop garden. A few hanging lanterns, powered by a combination of magecraft and tech, have sprung to life with the motion of MISSIE?s arrival outdoors. The area has been terra-scaped, the dirt covered in springy mosses and grass. Potted plants and flowers complement the manmade koi pond with its little fountain and garden bench. A wired-in area in one corner holds the chicken run and coop.

The coop itself has been painted a deep blue, with swirls of pale blue stars decorating it. A large iridescent black rooster is crowing to wake the dead. An Australorp chicken is herding Silkie chicks around the enclosure, adding to the general mayhem. The perimeter of the rooftop is ringed with pampas grass, potted shrubs and benches.

From nearby comes the beat of the Rave, and somewhere out on the street, a couple of late partiers were walking home.)

MISSIE and DANTE
(MISSIE, still naked, enters from stage right, with DANTE leaping and barking on her heels.)

Chickens! Oooh, they?re co CUTE! Cluck-cluck, chickens! Hi!

DANTE
(Sprouts iridescent wings and begins flying around the chicken run, which has been wisely roofed with chicken wire and latticing. He barks.)

MISSIE
(Jumps up on one of the perimeter benches, trying to catch him)

Dante! You come down! Ali says you can?t fly!

DANTE
(Barks and flits out of reach)

RAVER #1
(From offstage)

Dude! That chick is so hot!

RAVER #2
(From offstage)

Whoa? is that a flying dog?

RAVER #1
(From offstage)

Freak. Yer still tripping. Look at the chick, man!

MISSIE
(Leaning over the edge and waving enthusiastically at them)

Hi! What your names? I?m Missie. I gots chickens!

RAVER #1
(From offstage)

Yeah. And you got you some righteous ta-tas!

MISSIE
(Beams and straightens, looking down at herself and then back to the pair on the street)

Thank you! I like your ta-tas, too! Do you wanna see my chickens?

DANTE
(Lands. The wings disappear and he goes to drink out of the koi pond)

ALI
(Enters from stage right, muttering in Arabic. He is barefoot and bare-chested, wearing drawstring trousers. He is carrying a man?s terry bathrobe in one hand.)

MISSIE
(Jumps from the bench to the deck and starts back toward the chickens, then sees Ali and smiles)

They like me!

ALI
(He catches her and wraps the bathrobe around her, muttering)

No more fan dances with the pampas grass, you!

MISSIE
(Excited and fidgety)

Why?

ALI
(Fumbling to try and stuff her arm into one of the sleeves, appears to search desperately for an answer)

Do you remember ? that time you asked me whether I had any fandangos?

MISSIE
(Turning to look at the chickens and escaping the sleeve)

Uh-huh! Sinjin said you had six! But you said he was a big fat liar.

ALI
(Pulling her arm back around and getting the sleeve on it, tries for the other arm)

Well, I didn?t have any then, but I have one now. And it's all mine, and you're wearing it, and I don't especially like for other people to see it. You can't--you can't go 'round without clothes where people can see you.

MISSIE

Can I see it?

ALI
(Grunting with the effort)

Arms through the holes.

MISSIE
(Distracted enough for him to get the other arm, she looks curiously at the robe)

ALI
(Making another grab for her arm)

No, no, not the robe. It's on you.

MISSIE

Where?

ALI
(Gets the robe into place around her and ties the belt off with a little more force than required)

MISSIE
(Gives him a ?Hey! Ow!? sort of blink as the tying of the robe jerks her on the balls of her feet)

ALI
(Answers grimly)

Trust me, you're wearing it.

DANTE
(Wanders over and sits next to MISSIE)

RAVER #1 and RAVER #2
(Offstage; calling up like alley cats)

Hey, babe, come on down! Show us yer chickens! (Etcetera)

ALI
(Smacks a kiss onto her forehead with a military sort of precision, then steps away, muttering to himself as he heads towards the edge of the roof)

What am I doing? There are--aren't there books I?m supposed to read, first?

MISSIE and DANTE
(Exchange looks)

MISSIE
(Shrugs)

I dunno what it is either, doggie.

RAVER #1 and RAVER #2
(Offstage; still hooting and calling for her to come down)

ALI
(Reaches the edge of the parapet, leans out and pours an MGM snarl down the side of the building at them)

DANTE
(Barks)

CHICKENS
(Crowing, cackling, running)

RAVER #1 and RAVER #2
(Offstage; they shout and the sound of their feet hitting the pavement echoes up)

MISSIE
(Claps her hands excitedly)

Oh! They are so purty!

ALI
(Snarls again, for emphasis)

MISSIE
(Coos to the birds, cracks a yawn)

What should we name them?

DANTE
(Tilts his head)

MISSIE
(Yawns broadly, whispering in conversation with the dog)

Fishies? Uh-huh.

ALI
(Returning)

I saw that. Come back to bed.

MISSIE
(Frowns)

But the chickens --

ALI
(Hands on his hips)

You can worry about naming them in the morning.

ALI
(Muttering to himself)

After I spank Grace for letting you out.

MISSIE

Huh?

ALI

Nothing. Come on.

MISSIE
(Sighs, rises, takes his index finger in her hand)

Okay... But I couldn't find Becca....

ALI
(Startled)

What? Rebekah? Surely not ? Wait. Who?

MISSIE
(Patiently insistent)

Becca.

ALI
(Swipes his middle finger back and forth across her knuckles as he deliberates)

Love, I don't know who Becca is.

MISSIE
(Tensely hopeful)

Maybe we left her at Skiddle's house? Maybe?

ALI
(Urging her up and on by her grip on his finger)

I don't know. Let's go inside and look there, first.

ALI, MISSIE and DANTE
(Exit stage right, closing the door behind them. After a moment, the garden lanterns twinkle out. The chickens settle down. Somewhere in the distance, the Rave continues to beat.)

End ACT I, Scene 2

FioHelston

Date: 2009-06-11 20:31 EST
ACT I, SCENE 3

(The utility room, kitchen and dining nook of the apartment. It is a large kitchen, bright and clean, but as sterile as the rest of the place. The utility room is small, with dark walls, cabinets, the water heater and HVAC, a big sink and the laundry equipment. Two open boxes of clothes sit against one wall. Between the kitchen and the dining nook is the door leading out to the deck.)

MISSIE, ALI and DANTE
(Enter through the door.)

ALI
(Leads them in)

You gave me fifty heart attacks. No more screaming at the top of your lungs in the middle of the night unless it's an emergency. Ali is too old and busted.

MISSIE
(Intently)

M'sorry. It was so exciting.

ALI
(Swinging her hand)

I understand. We were happy to find him.

DANTE
(Teases the hem of the robe up, tickles the back of her knee with a cold wet nose)

MISSIE
(Jumps, skitters forward and giggles, looking backwards)

He's looking for your fandango.

DANTE
(Barks)

MISSIE
(Giggles)

ALI
(Mutters)

I certainly hope not.

ALI
(Louder)

Where have you looked so far?

MISSIE

I was just going to the front room when Dante surprised me an' started flying.

ALI
(Ducks into the utility room)
"Running," love.

MISSIE
(Rolls her eyes and shares a look with the dog)

No one ever listens to me.

ALI
(Flips the light on)

Could she be in here, maybe?

MISSIE
(Wrinkles her nose, and stalls in the doorway)

That room smells.

ALI
(Frowns and looks at the clothes)

It?s the things I brought from the Studio. Do you think she?s in here?

MISSIE
(Firmly)

Nuh-uh.

ALI
(Steps out and turns off the light)

MISSIE

Where?s F.U.? Maybe she?s telling him stories?

ALI
(Confused)

I ? what? Look, there are some of your things in the spare bedroom. The very last one down the hallway.

MISSIE
(Races offstage, stage left)

I?ll look!

MISSIE
(Offstage)

Becca? You in here?

DANTE
(Plods off to his bed in the living room and lays down)

ALI
(Leans a shoulder against the wall, stage right, waiting; crosses his arms. The light glitters off the golden torc on his neck.)

MISSIE
(Enters from stage left, carrying a doll. The doll's porcelain head is smudged in a couple of places from being handled and kissed so much, the hands and feet dangle from loose limbs of the soft-cloth body. The doll?s dress is scrunched up her back as Missie hugs her to her chest and comes toward him. On the doll's back, in black marker, is a name in wavery block letters: FLEA. She whispers to the doll.)

I was so worried, Becca. Don?t hide like that.

ALI
(Compassion and pity flicker on his face; he watches the reunion before speaking)

Do you remember her?

MISSIE
(Looks up from the doll)

Who?

ALI

Flea.

MISSIE
(Tilts her head, quiet)

Nuh-uh. That was Before time.

ALI
(Murmurs to self)

It happened sometime after the funeral, then.

ALI
(Sighs, murmurs)

I need to talk to Grace. Soon.

MISSIE
(Kissing the doll)

ALI
(Softly, a fatherly tone)

I love you. You know that, right?

MISSIE
(Nods with her cheek pressed against the doll's head)

I love you, too, Ali.

ALI
(Pushes off from wall, guides her back toward the bedroom, stage left)

Are you ready to go back to bed?

MISSIE
(Nods, kisses the doll then holds it up to him)

Uh-huh.

ALI
(Hesitates, then kisses the doll before shepherding her offstage)

All right. Let's go, pet.

ALI
(Flips out the lights on the way. Outside, the rooster crows. In the corner of the living room where DANTE is sleeping, a pair of iridescent fairy wings light up briefly, then go dark.)

END ACT I, Scene 3

FIN