It was Sunday, January second, in RhyDin City. I should have come off the night watch, but because of the celebrations the day before, we were short and pulling a double. My partner?s Draknar Smith, out of the 42nd. My name?s Friday. I know what you?re thinking. I?ve heard the snickers. But it really is. Friday Maundy. My parents had a hell of a sense of humor, didn?t they?
We were on our way back to the station when we got a call to check out an apparent abduction on the High Bridge. That?s the one in the middle, for those of you who never bothered to learn the names. East Bridge, High Bridge, West Bridge ? sometimes called the Troll Bridge. I?ve heard it described as a three-fingered hand spanning the mighty RhyDin River. Right. We were working the middle finger. It was half past noon. And it was snowing, and colder than a witch?s ? middle finger.
It was fantastic.
When we got there, we found about a dozen people clustered around the Mermaid statue on the northern end of the bridge, making enough noise for a troop of mourners, and all of them trying to talk at once to the responding patrolman, a new kid named Rogers from the 5th who looked scared as hell. Who could blame him?
?Excuse me!? I said, trying to draw their attention while Smith did what Smith did best and loaded his trank gun. He used to work animal control, so he really knows what he?s doing with a dart. ?Excuse me! Let?s have some order here. If you were a witness, raise your hand ? or hand-equivalent.?
Seven appendages shot up. ?The rest of you beat it,? I said, and Smith waved the trank around like he might just use it. The smart ones ran.
?Great,? I muttered. Five left. Two of the witnesses must have been smarter than they looked. I waved the ones who stayed over. ?Gather round. ?
?You know, you don?t look like coppers,? a wizened little woman gave me the stink-eye.
?No??
?No,? she said.
?What do we look like to you??
?Salesmen.?
?Salesmen??
?Door-to-door salesmen.?
?Right. You can go.?
?But I was a witness! I saw everything!?
?Do I look like a cop or a salesman??
?A salesman!?
?Right. You didn?t see anything. Get outta here before my partner shoots you.? Smith aimed the barrel of the trank at her arse. He really knows what he?s doing. When she didn?t move, he tagged her with a shot that sounded like the sweet, sweet poof of the Daisy BB gun I had as a kid.
One down, four to go.
I looked at the others. ?Any of you see a salesman??
Witness number two ran for the far end of the bridge. Smith dropped him at two hundred yards. It was pretty freaking impressive, let me tell you.
There was a uniform chorus of no-sirs from the remaining three.
?All right. So which one of you wants to tell me what happened?? I stared them all down while Smith reloaded. Rogers had disappeared.
?There was a l-l-l-lady w-w-walking on the bridge,? a mousy-looking guy with glasses piped up. He was shivering hard enough to make my teeth chatter. ?A b-b-black car came up and a m-m-m-man grabbed her and drove off.?
?What?s your name??
?J-j-jenkins, sir. Harold-J-j-j-jenkins.?
?All right, Harold J-j-j-jenkins. And where were you when you saw this??
?Over there,? he pointed to the opposite bank.
?I have an apartment next d-d-d-door to the bakery there. The balcony with the Hogswatch lights.?
?Hogswatch??
?Yessir. The p-p-pink ones, sir. For the hogs.?
?Right.?
?They lead the Hogfather?s sleigh through the sky.?
?Right.?
?And deliver presents.?
?Smith,? I said.
Harold J-j-j-jenkins fell at the flippered base of the statue. He was smiling, at least. Probably dreaming about flying pigs.
?You!? I decided it was time to turn up the heat. My feet were freezing. ?What?s your name??
The woman I pointed to squeaked, but Smith persuaded her not to run.
?Mathilda Veeyayhoe?
Spell that.?
?V-i-e-j-o,? she said.
?Right.?
?What??
?There?s no ?H?,?
?I know.?
?Well then you know your name can?t be Vee-yay-HOE.?
I didn?t even have to prompt Smith for that one.
One left to go. I didn?t have high hopes for him. He looked like panhandler, a shill, a bum. And he was smiling. Go figure.
?My name?s Burt,? he said.
?I didn?t ask you.?
?So yeh can?t shoot me.? The man had big brass ones.
?Just tell me what you saw.? I wanted to go home. Snow was starting to sneak in at the back of my collar.
?I were at th? end of th? bridge when th? lady hobbledy-hoppeded past. She were a cripple, wit? a cane, savvy??
?Right.?
?No. ?twere th? left she were favorin?. But she were right pretty thing, wi? long brown hair an? these greenish eyes. ?
?How close to her did you get?? This sounded fishy.
??Bout as close ?s you an?me. A?int no one notice folk like me.?
?Right.? He had a point. I almost forgot he was there until he started yakking again.
?Left. Anyway, she got almos? halfway ?cross when this shiny black car sliiiiides on up to her, savvy? An? this tall feller ? well, not too tall. Sort of shortish-tall. In a coat. He gets outta th? car and all o? a sudden she explodes inter this black monster wi?fur, an? claws. An? this short guy, well, tallish-short ? he takes th? cane from?er an beats ?er with it. An? then she jumps on ?im. But some other guys scurry outta th? car. An? one o? em shoots ?er wi? sumfin?. An? they load her inter th? car and drive off.?
He finally took a breath.
?Right,? I said.
?Yer gonna shoot me now, entcha??
?Smith,? I sighed and turned away, pinching the bridge of my nose.
Sometimes, I really hate this town.
We were on our way back to the station when we got a call to check out an apparent abduction on the High Bridge. That?s the one in the middle, for those of you who never bothered to learn the names. East Bridge, High Bridge, West Bridge ? sometimes called the Troll Bridge. I?ve heard it described as a three-fingered hand spanning the mighty RhyDin River. Right. We were working the middle finger. It was half past noon. And it was snowing, and colder than a witch?s ? middle finger.
It was fantastic.
When we got there, we found about a dozen people clustered around the Mermaid statue on the northern end of the bridge, making enough noise for a troop of mourners, and all of them trying to talk at once to the responding patrolman, a new kid named Rogers from the 5th who looked scared as hell. Who could blame him?
?Excuse me!? I said, trying to draw their attention while Smith did what Smith did best and loaded his trank gun. He used to work animal control, so he really knows what he?s doing with a dart. ?Excuse me! Let?s have some order here. If you were a witness, raise your hand ? or hand-equivalent.?
Seven appendages shot up. ?The rest of you beat it,? I said, and Smith waved the trank around like he might just use it. The smart ones ran.
?Great,? I muttered. Five left. Two of the witnesses must have been smarter than they looked. I waved the ones who stayed over. ?Gather round. ?
?You know, you don?t look like coppers,? a wizened little woman gave me the stink-eye.
?No??
?No,? she said.
?What do we look like to you??
?Salesmen.?
?Salesmen??
?Door-to-door salesmen.?
?Right. You can go.?
?But I was a witness! I saw everything!?
?Do I look like a cop or a salesman??
?A salesman!?
?Right. You didn?t see anything. Get outta here before my partner shoots you.? Smith aimed the barrel of the trank at her arse. He really knows what he?s doing. When she didn?t move, he tagged her with a shot that sounded like the sweet, sweet poof of the Daisy BB gun I had as a kid.
One down, four to go.
I looked at the others. ?Any of you see a salesman??
Witness number two ran for the far end of the bridge. Smith dropped him at two hundred yards. It was pretty freaking impressive, let me tell you.
There was a uniform chorus of no-sirs from the remaining three.
?All right. So which one of you wants to tell me what happened?? I stared them all down while Smith reloaded. Rogers had disappeared.
?There was a l-l-l-lady w-w-walking on the bridge,? a mousy-looking guy with glasses piped up. He was shivering hard enough to make my teeth chatter. ?A b-b-black car came up and a m-m-m-man grabbed her and drove off.?
?What?s your name??
?J-j-jenkins, sir. Harold-J-j-j-jenkins.?
?All right, Harold J-j-j-jenkins. And where were you when you saw this??
?Over there,? he pointed to the opposite bank.
?I have an apartment next d-d-d-door to the bakery there. The balcony with the Hogswatch lights.?
?Hogswatch??
?Yessir. The p-p-pink ones, sir. For the hogs.?
?Right.?
?They lead the Hogfather?s sleigh through the sky.?
?Right.?
?And deliver presents.?
?Smith,? I said.
Harold J-j-j-jenkins fell at the flippered base of the statue. He was smiling, at least. Probably dreaming about flying pigs.
?You!? I decided it was time to turn up the heat. My feet were freezing. ?What?s your name??
The woman I pointed to squeaked, but Smith persuaded her not to run.
?Mathilda Veeyayhoe?
Spell that.?
?V-i-e-j-o,? she said.
?Right.?
?What??
?There?s no ?H?,?
?I know.?
?Well then you know your name can?t be Vee-yay-HOE.?
I didn?t even have to prompt Smith for that one.
One left to go. I didn?t have high hopes for him. He looked like panhandler, a shill, a bum. And he was smiling. Go figure.
?My name?s Burt,? he said.
?I didn?t ask you.?
?So yeh can?t shoot me.? The man had big brass ones.
?Just tell me what you saw.? I wanted to go home. Snow was starting to sneak in at the back of my collar.
?I were at th? end of th? bridge when th? lady hobbledy-hoppeded past. She were a cripple, wit? a cane, savvy??
?Right.?
?No. ?twere th? left she were favorin?. But she were right pretty thing, wi? long brown hair an? these greenish eyes. ?
?How close to her did you get?? This sounded fishy.
??Bout as close ?s you an?me. A?int no one notice folk like me.?
?Right.? He had a point. I almost forgot he was there until he started yakking again.
?Left. Anyway, she got almos? halfway ?cross when this shiny black car sliiiiides on up to her, savvy? An? this tall feller ? well, not too tall. Sort of shortish-tall. In a coat. He gets outta th? car and all o? a sudden she explodes inter this black monster wi?fur, an? claws. An? this short guy, well, tallish-short ? he takes th? cane from?er an beats ?er with it. An? then she jumps on ?im. But some other guys scurry outta th? car. An? one o? em shoots ?er wi? sumfin?. An? they load her inter th? car and drive off.?
He finally took a breath.
?Right,? I said.
?Yer gonna shoot me now, entcha??
?Smith,? I sighed and turned away, pinching the bridge of my nose.
Sometimes, I really hate this town.