I think I made an awful mistake.

It feels like a mistake.

I left Jordan. Or did I make him leave me? I don't even know... I feel so empty. I thought it was the right thing. I thought it was the only thing, but now all these solutions are in my head.

Is love that important? He cared, he took care of me, he held me, he was fun. I had so much fun.

When did it become the be all end all of life? Love.

And maybe he didn't love me in that crazy grand gestures way. That romantic candle lit dinners way. But he did in his own way. It just wasn't what people would think of when they think of love-- even him. He eased away pain, he was strong and silent and understanding. Forgiving.

He was everything a girl could want. Other than madly head over heals in love.

And I gave it all up for that one thing. I tossed it all away. He seemed so... I don't now, blase. Like he expected it. And maybe he did. I think he was sad. I almost hope he was. That he misses me. That he comes back and erases it all.

He just has to say three words.

Here I go again. Hoping. It's such a good trait and a bad one all the same. That I think it'll change. I can only hold on for so long. I need to let go.

I new this would happen. I knew it was coming.

It came down to making a choice... to letting it get worse and letting him break my heart, or to breaking it off myself. And the thought of going through this randomly.. of not knowing....

He wouldn't kiss me. And I so wanted that. I wanted to feel his lips on mine one last time. To taste him, and smell him, and feel him. It was something I wish I had paid more attention to. Every little thing about him.

He left me a shirt. It still smells like him. It pulls at my heart when I smell it. The pain my my chest that was once a gentle throb, an excited feeling... it's now pain. An ache. Loneliness.

Being without him was better when I new he might come back. Now I wonder if I'll ever see him again.

God knows i want to.

Even if I just kiss him. Just hold him. Just ask him to undo it all.

His arm was hurt... I never asked... I never asked so many things. Who was the girl in the picture? Is she why? Is it her fault we couldn't just be together? We worked. Things worked. It could have been so wonderful.

I can't open up. I can't give myself away. I needed his vulnerability to express my own. To tell him everything. About Chrissy, about Renna, about Sebastian and Anubis. About things with Lydia. Each stab that makes me whole. Instead of laying myself bare, I added him to the list. Another brick in the wall I've put up around myself.

We worked because we were two walled off people. Two islands. Ships passing in the night. Leaning on each other for as long as was possible. But I need to be let in as much as I need to open up. And so in the end we were doomed.

We'll always have Paris, so they say. And rooftops. Tangos and yellow tulips.

I'll wear a flower in my hair when I miss you. And maybe you'll know. Because I love you. Even if I never tell you again. If I take it to my grave. If I love another man, get married, get old, settle down-- you'll be there. You'll be the man that taught me to live. To let go. To play games when the pain gets too much.

And how can I possibly forget that? Seasons change, Jordan. It was just time for the leaves to fall.

Alone again. I've moved into Charlie's and I can see the sea from this window. It's calming. The sea has always been home for me. Warm and blue. It makes me want to wade out into it until I cant touch the bottom anymore and just let it eat me up.

Though, I dont' want to die. I guess I just want to be one with the water. So fluid, so happy-- Just floating...

She put me on the same hall as Zach. He's such a sweet kid. Cute and lively. I love having him around and being near him when I can. It reminds me of the life I almost had, but for the first time that's not sad. It's hopeful. I think maybe this is why I left Jordan in the end.

He'd never marry or have kids or settle down. And I'm not ready to give up the dream yet. Though, there's another dream that he's in that I'm also not entirely ready to give up yet...

I am lonely in the end. Terribly so. He wasn't around before, but at least he could be. Now I'm not even sure if I'll ever see him again. I thought maybe I did... see him. But it was my mind playing tricks. Wanting everyone to be him. I would do so much for him to just to appear and collect me in my arms for a few moments. I need the strength. I need the affection.

And here I am back to this again. Mistake or no? I think if I could take it back, I might. But there is no undoing history. There is no undoing life.

Darren stayed with me two nights. I was taking care of him. He was delirious the first night, and said things he didn't mean. It hurt, I think, to hear things I wanted to hear from Jordan for so long just come out of his mouth so easily. Specially when they weren't true. It was a cruel joke from heaven, if I really believed there was one. And I don't think I do anymore.

God would heal Jordan's heart so that we wouldn't have to hurt like this anymore. God would keep Lydia from being hurt any further. God would keep people from getting hurt and me from hurting them.

I need to calm myself. Calm my life. Saw the Teacher the other day. Think I'll go seek him out. After this crap with Darren I realize that I need a more stable outlook. Discipline. Purpose.

I haven't slept in a week, save last night. Everything is dizzy, everything is hard. I feel like I'm swimming through molasses.

But things will get easier. They are getting easier.

The trip was good. Relaxing. I'd say I had a spiritual experience, but I'm not sure what that means anymore... Lydia and I are getting along again. I hate to say it's because I stopped drinking, but I think it is. Since I stopped things are better, clearer, and I can operate in a way that I couldn't before. I think I may have to keep this up. At least for awhile.

I went on a leave of absence at the RDI. I think it's good to stay away from there while I'm "recovering" or whatever the hell they call this. I ranked again in the duels, and I want to focus on my body and on my mind.

Last night I went to that tea place I've been at(trying to see what works for them to replicate it in a bit different way, of course) and ran into Lydia, Glenn and Jake. It was probably the best night I've had in... gosh, close to a year, maybe? Things were silly and fun, and delicate in a way. Lydia and Glenn wandered off at just the right moment, and Jake and I had a discussion between ourselves. He asked what I was the most afraid of, and this time of year especially? It's myself.

I don't know why he cares about me, and I don't know how long it'll last, but I know that it's heartening. Strength giving. Specially coming off of the fiasco with Jordan and the just... heartbreak. It's nice to have someone that believes in me and cares about me and isn't demanding things, not really. I think if I told him to wait a decade, he would. Not that i would... but the idea that there's no pressure makes it easier for me to be comfortable. To say things I wouldn't tell anyone. LIke last night, when I told him about,.. my desperation before. From the old journal. The moments I wished I would die. I never gave voice to those things, but telling him it wasn't like I was condemning myself, just giving a bit of my own burden away. Sharing it. His answer was perfect, though it's probably not my right to put it here. It was what I needed.

He walked me back to Charlie's. She's going away soon, and I'm going to have to take care of Zach. It's a bad time of year for me to have a child in my care, but I couldn't say no to her. She needs me. I just need to be strong and not think about the baby that would be about half his age now. I think I'm going to ask Jake to help me on the day.

Have to get to work inviting people to a small gathering for Lydia. No frosting though, I promised. And also finishing up the more winter things for the shop.

Dare I say that I have my life under control?

Been awhile, I guess... I've been happy. It's shocking and weird and just.. right. I feel like I fit somewhere. Everything in my life fell into place somehow and I'm not lost or crazy or unsure. I mean, everything isn't perfect, I'm not perfect... I'm just not ruled by it.

The explosion at the shop was a lot to deal with. I almost died, I can accept that. It's happened before. But the fact that I almost lost Lydia and Carley and Ivy and Griffith and even Lola... it's just too much, really. I'm so frustrated with my relationships... Carley opens up, she talks and I feel like maybe we're closer, but Lydia. I don't know. I just don't know why she won't talk to me. It's frustrating, because I can see she's hurting. It's in her eyes and the way she holds herself, it's in what she says and her actions. She left Grem, and I don't fault her there, that wouldn't be fair. I know that sometimes things don't work out better than anyone... but she just stated it and wouldn't talk about it. She bought a house, and it seems wonderful, I think. But she doesn't seem to want me to see it. I wanted to, too. Mainly because I know what it's like to have something yours and really be proud of it. But I guess it's more of a way to hide. I feel like she's always hiding and blocking and walling. And maybe she resents me for not being there, but I can't be there when she won't let me. It's like pulling teeth and to ask and ask just irritates her. I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm ready to be a real friend, because she was one for me before, but I can't do it against her will.

I'm working on Christmas gifts. Lydia has been the hardest, really. I want to be able to put all that stuff I just wrote into a gift, but, you know-- how possible is that? I was thinking maybe one of those magic two way mirrors.. so that if you ever need someone, you just look into it and they're there, or get a call at least. But, I don't know if she would see it as a gesture or as an afront. I don't know.

Ivy and I are getting along mostly. She's a bit barred off. Hands off, I'd say? I think she's still unsure about Jake and worried I'm just going to hurt him. She sat me down last week and told me that she thought he was in love with me and if I broke his heart, she wasn't just going to let it go like every other mistake I've made. I owe so much to Ivy that I think I'm giving her the Manor. I dont' want to be there anymore, and she loves it... This is different, she said, about Jake. This is for keeps. She's right. It is.

That brings me to Jake. Jacob. I... I don't know what's inside of me yet. I'm comfortable, happy, full of warm fuzzies and blushes. When i was hurt he stayed with me and it was nice. It felt right. He'd wake me up when he left, just the movement on the bed, and we'd have a quiet talk, usually, just nonsense, but it was natural. I felt more like a partner and a wife even than I did when I was with Sebastian. It's... I'm happy. I don't know if I love him. I think maybe I could?

Really, I don't know what love is. i thought I loved Jordan, no, I knew I did. It was different though. It burned and ate at me. This just... this feels like being in a warm bath. Like having a big fluffy blanket that I can curl up under and make the cold day go away. It's not all consuming and shocking, it's just comfortable. Nice. Part of me wonders if you have to decide-- passion or that easy security.. and then part of me knows you don't. That this is what's hard to get, the passion is easy. It'll come. I don't know if he'd want to go further physically, but I think that just more of that, more needing each other in that way will bring the passion to the security and it'll just be complete and work.

I'm afraid he's getting sick. He works too hard and won't let me help him. Sometimes I wonder how i end up with people that are so closed off and are unable to share a burden with someone. I'm there to help, and he just seems shut down. He leaves at 5am and sometimes doesn't get back until 2am. I made him hire a helper for a couple of days, but he resists any money I want to give him. He says we need to contribute equally, but I think I was able to get around that by saying that he's working more hours. I'm not sure how true that is with the amount of mittens and scarves and hats I've been making, but I think it's true enough. I want him to let me be his partner. He said he wanted to share his entire life with me-- everything. I just hope someday that means the hardship he's carrying with him. The work. If we can tackle problems together and solve them and trust each other... well, that would be perfect. My life would be perfect.

I feel like an adult lately. The Stitch reopened today. It was good. Really good. The teashop looks amazing and I held a knitting class before I did my shift at the Outback. A few old women showed up, some younger ones too. We learned how to do a basic stitch and start a scarf. This is going to be fun. I like teaching. I tried to spend a lot of time over on that side of the store to make sure Lola was okay. She seemed great, I'm proud of how she's really put a lot of time and energy into this. The otherside went well, too. Even Lydia seemed to get into it, though her eyes weren't there, you could see. She was far off somewhere. But things went well, and the store was packed. I'm glad we got it together so quickly. Storm, and Rena were there. Baker, too, oddly enough... I don't know, don't ask me.

Koy is making me a dress for this charity dinner Jewell is having. Apparently I'm important in RhyDin or something. The dress is like nothing I've ever worn before. It's sophisticated and adult, it shows off my body the way it is without trying to make it look curvey and womanly, and I think it's going to be good. She said to own it. I went to the library and looked at some pictures from different places, different times, and there was this model on Earth called Twiggy... I can look like her. I can pull off her eyes, and we're about the same weightish. She's much taller than I am.

Well, I guess I should go to work. I think I'll stop by the WestEnd and bring Jake breakfast. I made muffins... and they didn't even burn. I don't want to tell them they're mine, though, he may not eat them.