Erin couldn't kneel anymore.
But couldn't was no longer an option.
Her knees were blackened from the force of hitting them to the floor over and over with useless resistance. She thought she had read somewhere that resisting oppression was always worth it. It meant you kept your dignity.
She was starting to doubt that.
By now all she had left were hopes and dreams and thoughts of past. There was something to be said for the British, their spirits were not easily broken, though their hearts may be.
It had dawned on her sometime in the past weeks how much she loved her life. One of those moments you have where the great realization of gratitude over takes you like a tsunami.
She was greatful for everything.
And there was determination to get it back. Part of her Erin knew that it was a waiting game. Lydia or Daniel or Storm or Jordan or Charlie or any multitude of people would figure out the game before she had truely lost. She just had to wait.
But it was hard without paper. With so much to write. With so much in her little mind.
She paced the room that was partially hers, if anything could really be hers anymore. Erin had gotten so used to being naked, that she didn't even notice it anymore. It had completely lost its sexuality and was just a state of being. A way to prove she was not about to slit a throat.
She had a new respect for Salome.
Leaning her forhead on the wall, she pressed her palms to the stone. And finally, with the thoughts buzzing through her head in a way that she was sure was not sustainable, she began to run her finger on the wall as if she were writing. Little words that would never be recorded or remembered....
A letter to nowhere, to no one... Have I truely lost my mind? I'm not sure anymore... I guess this is just the culmination of everything I had been waiting for. It wasnt' as bad as I imagined. I've been allowed to keep my bodily sanctity, mostly. Though to be touched no way but in anger as often as I am...
I have so much time to think. And it's almost what I needed. There are things I need to put in order when I return home. And it is a when. Of that, I am certain. My recklessness has put so many people at risk, and worrying...
I don't want anyone else to get hurt over this. But it is so hard not to stand up with them when i see them. Being in the inn was the most trying moment of my life so far... I had to be obedient, but also show them that I'm not gone. There's still Erin in here... I dont' know if I succeeded. I knew if Cassie pulled me from the room, though, I could die. She could die. Someday I'll explain it to her. When I get home.
I hope Jordan hasn't come looking for me yet. I never had hoped that he would still be gone, but now it would be best. Though, the day I regain my freedom... perhaps he'll be there. Alive and well, in one piece and with open arms. I vaugly remember how he smells and it helps me through. Memories of times when I was safe and protected. At least for the moment.
I feel guilty for the way I had been acting before this. More flirtatious, more single, i guess. Maybe part of me thought it was time to forget because it's been so long. June. Ages. In Rhydin lives are made and broken in that time. Wouldnt' he have at least written?
I stopped writing before I was taken. I couldnt' stand to see the letters pile up and him not take them. Just a reminder of how long it's really been.
When I'm out of this... I'm going to do something wonderful for Lydia. Maybe I'll give her my share of the Stitch. I can't think of anything more valuable to me than that. But the pain I must have put her through because of running my mouth that one night, months and months ago...
I feel like when I leave here, I will become a hermit. Lock myself away from everyone. I dont' want them to know, to think they know what's happened to me. I'm forever tainted with the weakness of it. Again.
I can't give in to the weakness everyone expects from me...
The writing had tired her. A finger was not a pen, and the knowledge of words that could never be read shortened her resolve. With a sigh, then, Erin slid along the wall to sit back against it and closed her eyes.
It was best to rest now, anyway, before things were needed of her.
But couldn't was no longer an option.
Her knees were blackened from the force of hitting them to the floor over and over with useless resistance. She thought she had read somewhere that resisting oppression was always worth it. It meant you kept your dignity.
She was starting to doubt that.
By now all she had left were hopes and dreams and thoughts of past. There was something to be said for the British, their spirits were not easily broken, though their hearts may be.
It had dawned on her sometime in the past weeks how much she loved her life. One of those moments you have where the great realization of gratitude over takes you like a tsunami.
She was greatful for everything.
And there was determination to get it back. Part of her Erin knew that it was a waiting game. Lydia or Daniel or Storm or Jordan or Charlie or any multitude of people would figure out the game before she had truely lost. She just had to wait.
But it was hard without paper. With so much to write. With so much in her little mind.
She paced the room that was partially hers, if anything could really be hers anymore. Erin had gotten so used to being naked, that she didn't even notice it anymore. It had completely lost its sexuality and was just a state of being. A way to prove she was not about to slit a throat.
She had a new respect for Salome.
Leaning her forhead on the wall, she pressed her palms to the stone. And finally, with the thoughts buzzing through her head in a way that she was sure was not sustainable, she began to run her finger on the wall as if she were writing. Little words that would never be recorded or remembered....
A letter to nowhere, to no one... Have I truely lost my mind? I'm not sure anymore... I guess this is just the culmination of everything I had been waiting for. It wasnt' as bad as I imagined. I've been allowed to keep my bodily sanctity, mostly. Though to be touched no way but in anger as often as I am...
I have so much time to think. And it's almost what I needed. There are things I need to put in order when I return home. And it is a when. Of that, I am certain. My recklessness has put so many people at risk, and worrying...
I don't want anyone else to get hurt over this. But it is so hard not to stand up with them when i see them. Being in the inn was the most trying moment of my life so far... I had to be obedient, but also show them that I'm not gone. There's still Erin in here... I dont' know if I succeeded. I knew if Cassie pulled me from the room, though, I could die. She could die. Someday I'll explain it to her. When I get home.
I hope Jordan hasn't come looking for me yet. I never had hoped that he would still be gone, but now it would be best. Though, the day I regain my freedom... perhaps he'll be there. Alive and well, in one piece and with open arms. I vaugly remember how he smells and it helps me through. Memories of times when I was safe and protected. At least for the moment.
I feel guilty for the way I had been acting before this. More flirtatious, more single, i guess. Maybe part of me thought it was time to forget because it's been so long. June. Ages. In Rhydin lives are made and broken in that time. Wouldnt' he have at least written?
I stopped writing before I was taken. I couldnt' stand to see the letters pile up and him not take them. Just a reminder of how long it's really been.
When I'm out of this... I'm going to do something wonderful for Lydia. Maybe I'll give her my share of the Stitch. I can't think of anything more valuable to me than that. But the pain I must have put her through because of running my mouth that one night, months and months ago...
I feel like when I leave here, I will become a hermit. Lock myself away from everyone. I dont' want them to know, to think they know what's happened to me. I'm forever tainted with the weakness of it. Again.
I can't give in to the weakness everyone expects from me...
The writing had tired her. A finger was not a pen, and the knowledge of words that could never be read shortened her resolve. With a sigh, then, Erin slid along the wall to sit back against it and closed her eyes.
It was best to rest now, anyway, before things were needed of her.