Took a pregnancy test today. Not pregnant. Means I'm just crazy, I guess.

Spoke to Miles. He insists that I need to make my own happiness and talk to Grem. I'm not sure about that. Need to get ready for the party tonight. Figure out where to hide a weapon.. just in case.

I think he likes her and not me.

I can't shake this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I can't be jealous or mad towards *her*. But I am...

Why on Earth did I come back here?

I'm insane. Asked Lydia to be my sister, which I want... but, I have a feeling it may have been a bad idea.

Also asked Grem on a date, which I then recanted, turned bright red, was healed and left the inn. Only response was "what?" which was a good response becuase I may have set a new record for speach today.

I am staying in my room for awhile. A long while. I can't make an ass out of myself there. Or get almost killed. Or want to kill someone....

The jealousy, the evilness.. I can feel it down there, I remember what it feels like, and I don't want to be that person again. I already see myself sayint the right things at the right moments and smirking at the perfect responses... and planning ahead.

God... if you cut me open, I'll bleed black. No one could like someone like me. Specially next to someone who is so good she'll bleed white... or I guess green.

Any hope I had of a happy existance is done. Another betrayal...

I went to the inn to get some things... stuff we didn't carry the first time. I was only going to be a moment, but I had a cup of tea with Wyh and then I saw Cricket.

She was my best friend. We have the house together. And she had been missing for a month, almost. So, I called her over... and she was on the couch....making out with Gideon.

She didn't lie. I give her that. And I didnt' get mad. I couldnt' muster the anger. I just died. I felt it happen. I felt all the push left in me drain out. How could she do that to me? I know I said I didn't care... but for someone I love... someone I care about...

Brian is so scared I'm going to get myself killed. What he doesn't know is that it already happened.

I'm crying. Took me awhile to get off the alley floor.. to get home.. now still crying. I hope Lydia can't hear me. I dont' want to worry her... or tell her any of this. All these little rejections...

The party was some of the most fun I've ever had.

In my life.

I really do love my friends. I can feel it well up when I look at every one.

I told Lydia. Everything, almost... everything I needed to say. I had to tell someone. Get it out of me. She seemed okay. We're going to be okay.

If it happens. If they happen. I'm okay with it. I love them both too much to not want them happy. My best friends... the flutter, the electricity for the one will fade... he said I was pretty today.

I'm full of fear and hatred and love and pain... I went for a walk. I ended up at Gideon's door. He took me in for the night, held me while I cried. I don't know why I went there. I had no where else to go. It's not love, it's... something else. Addiction, I think. No one else is there to hold me while I loose it. No one else can offer the physical comfort... the distraction from thoughts.


I am so terrified right now. Terrified and confused.

Hurried writing. It stopped without a period or completed sentence. The ink a little smudged from her closing it too quickly.



Dark thoughts today.

One week before the anniversary of my second.... has it really been a year?

Spoke with Miles. I'm scared of being alone forever. Not scared, really.. sad. Always wanted a family. Last chance of that long gone. I have to fight through this. Can't spend a month in bed. Just can't. Lydia would know. She'd ask.

Sometimes I feel like God was punishing me for entering into that sham of a marriage. That he put a curse on.. He took away any chance I ever had of being a part of a family because I mocked the sacrament.

I can't continue down this path. Can't end up like I had been. It would be different here.. no one would take me to the... I don't even know if there is a...

What happens when I lose it?

Feels better to be attacked and killed than to have to admit to anyone what is coming. Could anyone respect me... if I... Dark, dark thoughts. So many of them lately.

Is the redheaded woman a sign? And who from? A temptation or a deliv--

Endless comfort in the form of a pirate.

Yesterday I would have said this was one of the worst things I could do; today I'm sure it's the only thing that could help me. He really is one of my best friends.... He made it all seem right.. that it wasn't about me, that there is nothing wrong or bad about me. He made that pretty clear, actually. I am perfectly happy to keep this up until there is a reason to stop it.

I need to talk to Lydia. I need to set things right... Tell her I understand... the puzzle pieces.

Bastian left me a letter today. Think I was wrong about him. I think with time we could be good friends. If there is more later.. down the road.. I'm not sure. But right now, I could use the friendship. Outside of the drama.

Things are looking up. Way up.

Spoke to Lydia and Grem. Everything is going to be okay.

Told Sebastian about Miles. He didn't seem happy... but I think it's going to be okay. I think we're going to be a we soon enough. He wants to do things right.. I like that idea. I've never tried it. It's so...sweet. He kissed my cheek. That gave me such a jolt. Like being struck by lightening.

He wants to help me. Help me be better and sane... I want it to work. I want to be the person.. his piece.

How fast things change! Where has this all come from? This time last week I was so jealous... so upset.. I swear, someone was looking down on me and gave me Bastian as a gift.

His girlfriend is back though. I hope she doesn't ruin it all.. I'm so scared she'll make hm love her again. Make him forget me.

Now, to cut the Miles habit. That will be hard. Never enjoyed sex before. Not like this.

Oh, the world is so weird.

I need to watch for Renna. She was...strange today.

Woke up this morning in Bastian's arms. Snuck off to get some coffee, comb my hair and write here. I'm going to go back. I want to be there when he wakes up.

Yes, this is moving like mollasses, but it's the only thing that gives me hope right now.

Lydia *saw* something about me... in her head. It was horrible. I don't want to die.. or be kidnapped. Screaming.. god. Please, let her be wrong. Please.

I have a fear, though, that it has nothing to do with what will happen to me now, but my soul. That Lydia in all her purity is telling me I'm going to hell.

No more dark thoughts, back downstairs. Nothing is bad there. It's too wonderful to be dark.. even in the slightest.

I moved into the mannor today.

Today started out terrible. Renna was going to.. uhg, I cant' even say it. But Alex and this girl Lain walked in. I didn't know who they were at first, but I was so happy to see them. Bastian came not long after that. He is such a comfort, a rock. I am so happy to have him.

Lydia was there, and she saw Alex. I didn't know it was him, or that they had been together... well, I knew she had someone, but not the pieces. I was so mad. SO mad that she was upset.. on the verge of crazy. I have never felt anger like that. I'm not sure if it's Renna that has brought it out in me... I think perhaps it is. I'm scared that she will get me like that around her. And that's what she wants. I cut my palms with my own nails.

I hurt Basitan, too. Marks on his hand where I was grabbing. It sent me into a tailspin. That I could hurt him. I don't want to die. I know that now. I made him promise not to let me. It wasn't fair. Not at all. It puts so much of a burdon on him... I'm just so angry at myself, and so sad that this is all going to be over soon. I cried until I passed out.

He fixed it all though. Because that is what he does.. what he is so good at. Took me to the docks. They were beautiful and lit up. He kissed me there, among all the people. Held me, and doted on me. Not in that childlike way that Gid always did, no.. like he adored me and wanted to share his life with me, at least for now. He's my boyfriend now. What a weird concept. Boyfriend. I've never had one before. Gosh.. there is nothing that could keep this happiness down. Not even the idea that I could be dead tomorrow. Bastian is my boyfriend! I could sing it off mountain tops...

It's so weird. A week ago, even, I was still pining for Grem. Thought he was my puzzle piece.. I was sleeping with Miles! To know now that it was wrong, that I didn't fit there, it actually makes me feel better. Less like I messed up, less like Lydia hurt me. This was perfect timing. And that is so rare. We took a picture tonight: me, Lydia and Grem. We were smiling and together. Things look so up.

I just need to survive. If I live till the end of the week, the month, the year, my life will be wonderful. I wanted to run today, to go away and have no one know where. Bastian offered to come. But he's right. I can't run forever. I need to stay here.

He knows the clocks. He's seen them. Would I be too childish to say I think I found a soulmate? I think so.. it's so early. But... I should sleep. Yes. Only good dreams.

Tomorrow is the one year anniverary of my miscarriage. Of my infertility. But I'm going to be okay. I know now that I have to be okay.

The writing is not her usual spidery script, but a messy block print. There are tear stains on the page, running the ink.



I've never felt so alone.

Who can love me now?

Never walk alone at night.

Lydia came to see me. I told her. She didn't really react. Has me worried. I asked her to stay and she said she would. It should be nice to have her around. Someone to talk to and be silly with if I can. The house is empty and lonely. Bastian is such a comfort, but I think I need to give him space before he gets sick of me.... I don't want this to change us. To end us.

Went to the inn for the first time. Sat in the corner. Made it an hour before i needed to go. Took a new way home. Snuck out and came back at night. Talked to Cassie. I had a good time....

People who know.. they keep treating me like I'm going to break. Like I'm not able to do things alone. I know that I'm not okay. It's obvious... but... Bastian won't touch me. At all. And, I need him to be there, to hold me sometimes.. without asking. I said I thought I loved him. I remember saying it. And he said he did too... I believe he meant it. The letter.. that he wrote in here. It breaks my heart to read it. He's been too wonderful and I hate that he makes me mad sometimes. It's not his fault. He can't know what I want if I don't tell him, and I'm so afraid to tell him. This will pass soon, and we'll be okay again. I just replay things in my head when I worry.. like our night at the docks when he kissed me. Or, when I brought him lunch there... and we were in the alley. That closeness. It'll come back someday. The two of us. Gosh... just when my life was getting good.. was working out... I can't think about this anymore.

Grem apologized. It kills me.. He has nothing to be sorry for. No one does. if anyone does it's me. And I know that they keep saying it's not my fault... but I can't get that morning out of my head. When I hurt her. I shouldn't have started this. I started it. I'm rash and stupid and angry. I won't be that way anymore. I feel it, more than ever, but I can't give in. Not only does it hurt me... it hurts everyone around me. Everyone I love. They've saved me. Each one in their own way. Grem for finding me; Bastian for taking care of me; Lydia for being so strong when I need her. God... something else I cant' talk about anymore.

I looked around for someone who could erase my memory. I'm thinking about it. If I could erase this, I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. It's weak, I know. But, can anyone blame me? I just.. I want to be able to touch and love and be normal. And not have people asking me what's wrong, and if I'm okay.. and the nightmares will end, and the crying.. all of it gone. They could forget if I was okay, right? Everyone... Then it would all stop. I mean, there would be sleeping and eating and having fun... It's a good idea, I think... maybe....

I need to sleep.

Today sucked.

Bastian and I had just made up when Skyler shows up and tells everyone that I was raped. I have no idea how he even knew. It killed Jewell. It killed Bastian.

He broke his hand. Wouldn't go to a healer. We fought. I'm so afraid he'll reject me for fitting in, that I sent him away. I think I broke up with him... god, I love him. I feel it in me, it burns. Like heartburn, but different. Makes me cry.

Can't stop crying. Ruined the only good thing that ever happened to me. I have so much to tell him. I just keep reading his letter to me over and over and over... he loves me. I did this to him and he loves me. He'll never love me again. I was so happy.

Fuck you, Renna. Fuck you, Skyler.

I need to get out. I need to write to him. I need to pour this all from me to him. He needs to know. I love him.

I love him.

No hesitation anymore. God, what have I done?

I got married.

It was just at the courthouse.. but.

I'm so happy.

It's a secret, though. Shhh, don't tell anyone.

So in love right now. Brimming with it. I want to scream and jump for joy. I want to introduce him as my husband.. I want to..

How did this happen? When did the tide turn for me?

Lydia's party.

What made Cassie come to it? She barely knew us then... but how glad I am that she did.. and brought him. And he chose me. Even when he found out what trouble I am.

I'm someone's wife. And I like it.

We're telling at Christmas. So far yet so close.

No, no, that was all wrong.

No.

Watching him sleep... god, I love him. It's so different than what I feel for anyone else. I need to start over.

I want to be married to him. In the open. I want...

I need to tell him everything. I need to come clean. I need for him to see me. Really see me. Not call me wifey and love and baby.. not endear me. But see the terrible horrible person I am and not care.

That is asking so much. Too much.

If he can... if he can, I will spend forever loving him. I will give him everything I have. I will stop holding back and forgetting and hiding and letting him think of me as perfect.

If he can accept me, I will stop being this messed up ball of destruction. If he can accept me, I'll accept myself.

Please, Sebastian, wake up.. please...

I have never wanted to kill anyone as much as Gideon Davidoff tonight. I was good. But... to come out of the shadows like that, kissing me, holding me. Erin I just thoughting me. Oh, no. Just a month ago I was begging for this to happen. Now I'd be happier if I never saw his stupid face again. He just wants me now because he can't. Always one for forbidden. Danger. I hate being used.

Told Bastian. Sigh. He got mad, not at me... but, this won't go well. I want to keep him out of the inn, but I have no control over him.

I also told Bastian about my fight with Truly. He seemed kinda.... sad, really. I think he'll talk to her. Try and keep us apart. She knows we're engaged. Which is funny, becuase we're actually married. But, whatever, she'll deal. I won't be called a whore in public though. Oh, no, I won't.

Things are happy. Things are comfortable and warm. Sitting by the fire, watching snow fall. Slow kisses and happy nights. As close to normalcy as I think I can ever get.

Truly and Gideon will have to deal with it. And that's that.

1) Stay close to friends, be laughing, happy. Do not look frightened ever.

2) Get self some holy water and blessed silver bullets. Perhaps dagger?

3) Start carrying Bible.

This should work.

Alain talked to me last night. Really talked to me. I saw inside of him for the first time.

He's scared and lonely. He's... I don't know, a product of what happened at his home? I want to hold him. Tell him it'll be okay. But what do I know? And who am I to do that? The need to save him is something I can't give in to.

I can't save him.

I'm too bogged down and he's not mine to save. He's.... I don't know. This is dangerous. I can feel it. It's not about sex for us. Perhaps that makes it more dangerous? He asks about me, though. And will listen to me and answer what I ask. And ask. And care.

I want to tell him things I haven't told anyone. I know that he wouldn't judge me. It's hard for him to, given his line of work. Given that I'm involved in it.

This week away will do good. Give me some perspective.

Strangest thing... just woke up in the bathtub. How the... really best not to think about it.

Bastian and I had a really good talk today. I havent' felt this good in.. years. Truly. Opening up does help. Imagine that.

Though, the bathtub thing... little disconcerting. Nexus is cruel. Cruel and unusual.

We left today. Things seem better between us. He seems better. I need this trip to work. I need it to help us. I need things to go well and to go back home with a new start. If this trip doesn't work, I'm giving up.

What a terrible thing for me to say. Scratch that.

We packed all weekend. Skipped Brian and Jen's party. I would have liked to go, but... just only so much you can do in a day. They're watching Snowball. And I'll take them out when we get back.

I'm happy to see Lane and Jon. Meet his parents. My parents, well... we'll see what happens when we get there.

Wish me luck.

There are no words for today.

The guard. How unnecessary. Richard said it wasn't him. He would have gone about things much more quietly. Someone else went to the police, and the paper. Some girl, as far as he can tell.

I have an idea who that was.

Today would have been the best day of my life if it didn't turn into the worst. He was so amazing. Cute and silly. Lovable and kind. The Sebastian I had been dying for. He was there! He was rough housing and giggling and letting me point out things on the tourist cruise like he had never seen them. He picked me up and I pulled him around. We ran.

He proposed.

It's stupid, we're already married, but... after he said that we shouldn't be married. Made it clear that he thought it was a mistake... I dont' know, I guess I've been a bit touchy about it. He was right. But I just wanted him to say that he was so in love with me, that it didn't matter. And he did. He said such wonderful things. That I complete him, that I am part of him, that he will always love me... things I really needed to hear. Fears that I needed smoothed over.

His eyes. they're my favorite part of him. The way they look at me, what they say.. their depth. They were so full. So brimming over. It didn't matter anymore. Any of it. The fighting, the stupid arguments, the pain we were inflicting on each other... He loved me. Loves me. And right there, in my favorite spot in the entire universe, he got down on one knee and he told me.

And then I got brought back here.

I know I wasn't supposed to come back. I know I was supposed to be more careful. But... I thought I had been. That it was impossible to really recognize who I was with all the makeup and clothes I was wearing. Or once you were in Rhydin to really care enough to follow me out. I really messed things up.

I'm never leaving here. I know that. It's impossible. I can't fake my death twice and there's no way for this not to be a mess in the press. It already is. So many pictures of Sebastian on one knee and my face... they're playing it off as amnesia. It's easy for me to smile blankly and answer reporters as if I have no idea who i am. Mostly because I'm not that person anymore, anyway.

I hate the clothes. And the way meals are served. The way I have to sit. Who I share my bed with. I won't let him touch me. And he doesn't talk to me. It's the cold war in this house. Eventually he'll have to say something. We'll have to say something. I think this disgusts him as much as me. But we're bound by honor. And duty.

Those words. They'll kill me.

I saw him. It killed me inside. He has so much hope. So much love. I want to strangle him. He insists on staying. On not giving up. I'm not sure if it's the best thing or the worst. I know this isn't going to be easy. Or go well. Or quickly.

But if I could see him once everyday... maybe it'll work. Maybe.

Lydia. That I'm worried about. I hope he tells her calmly. Lies maybe... says I'm just staying a little longer. I don't want her to know. To be upset. And I want to see her. I know it's hard if not impossible for her to just walk around here. But... I could really use my sister right now. this whole situations.. Gods. Another day, another day.

Make it to the end of the week. End of the month. End of the year. Something will change eventually, right? At least I have Sebastian.

Anna had me over.

Lane was there.

It was so great to see them. Both of them. I can't begin to thank Anna for what she has done. It's a complete turn around. I missed her. And she cares about me. I'm so full of life all of a sudden. I have a friend here! Lane was an endless comfort. I cried. And the two of them made me tea and listened to me, and talked to me... I want to do this everyday. But I know I have to be careful. At least I can see Anna.

Lane and Anna know each other from school. Somehow... maybe Jon realized, maybe Anna mentioned something about me at lunch, but they came up with the plan that I can get messages to Sebastian through Lane. No one in the press would suspect Anna, and by the time anyone figures out who Lane is and then who her fiance is... we can come up with a new plan.

I'm going to see him. Five days from now. It's so long... but the only good plan we could come up with was the theater. Can five days go by any slower than I feel they are?

Back in Rhydin. Few days now.

How, you may ask? Well, I thought about it long and hard and had an idea... the internet. So, I wrote a letter. A rather inspiring letter, if I do say so myself. I explained my condition(amnesia is sure a handy euphemism for hatred of Earth...) and how I felt.

I asked the British people to let me go.

And they did.

No disappointment, no letdowns. They felt benevolent. They felt in control. They flooded message boards, TV stations, newspapers with pleas to let me marry Sebastian. Imagine that? Pleas for people to leave Richard and myself alone. They sent him flowers and condolences. They sent me books about starting over after a mind altering accident. They loved us.

It wasn't that same vulture peck that had been happening before. They didn't want to catch us in a lie, because for once we were honest.

I saw Richard smile. Once. While reading letters. When I told him I was leaving, he just nodded at me. Held me a moment. We both cried, then, for what we went through, what we did to ourselves, what we had lost... He said so much to me that last night. I feel inappropriate writing it down. Even here. He said he loved me, and I love him, just not in the way husband and wife should love each other. Bitterness seemingly gone. I'll always be his little firefly. We'll stay friends. I know that. I'm not sure how Sebastian will feel about it... but, we're both heeling after this, and we need each other.

I'm still doing a bit of back and forth. I have things to take care of, appearances to make, and divorce papers to work on. I'm not taking anything. I made a lot of money on my last job with Alain and... well... I don't want to cause Richard anymore hurt than I have. I just want the things that were mine, and perhaps a few confidentiality agreements signed by himself and his family about me, and that's it. The paperwork seems to be going really amicably. It'll be nice to be divorced.

When I stay in London, I stay with Anna. She thinks I'm really brave. I can see how she looks at me, part disbelief and part horror. I'm glad we're friends, but we'll never understand each other. I can see that now.

I'm going to have to meet Sebastian's family. I'm going to have to explain away all the pain and suffering I caused them...

To be honest, I feel a little miserable. I feel a little out of place. Lost, don't know who I am, what I'm doing... don't know where I'm going. No one to turn to, really. Sebastian has been off in his own weird world. Did something crazy, and I'm so mad at him. For changing himself, for feeling the need to, for being so dumb... minutes after I risk everything for him he goes and risks his life for some macho posturing? I hate it. I.... god, it makes me a bit angry just to look at him lately. His timing is awful. I know I'm moody, and that it's a bit irrational, but... why would someone terrified of magic do that to himself? His blood... I almost don't want him to touch me.. that he may contaminate me. I love my fragility. My humanity. Even if it does make me vulnerable. It's part of what I am. Who I am. And what if we can never have children now? I mean, I know I'm... but... there was always hope. Now maybe it'll be some strange mutant baby thing.

I need normalcy. I know I said I'd never be normal, but... I think that's what I want now. I want calmness and normalcy. I want a few days of sewing and laughing and silliness. I remember life when it was like that. The never Have I Ever game. Dancing on the bar. Truth or Dare. Before Lydia and Grem, before me and Sebastian, before Katarina, before Renna. I miss that more than anything. Just floating through life as if it were nothing but a game. Something to be soaked up and enjoyed.

i want to sit down and tell someone about how I feel right now. How... inadequate. Like I did the wrong thing. Like I let everyone down. Sebastian wouldn't understand really, becuase, well, he saw it more as a prison for me. More as someone keeping us apart and not as my own personal failings. If I were enough of a woman to....

I just can't write anymore. I'm going in circles. I'll try this again later.

Snowflake Ball. Went well. Kinda...

Illy is with Gideon. She looks really good, though. He does know how to dress women.. I should know. Seems uncomfortable. But happyish.

Sebastian can't stand that she's with him. Can't talk to her. I feel bad for him, he's really torn up about it.

Don't know what to do to help him....

Somehow ended up trashed last night. Tried to walk home, didn't work. Ended up back at the inn and Mr. Howe was there. Remind me never to talk to somewhat suspitious characters when drunk? Okay, thanks. I agreed to meet him to talk about some business...

...have to think about this carefully before I go. Have a clear head. Lawyers are tricky, and he is no exception to that rule. No, perhaps even worse than the rest. Promising me things.... I'll meet with him, but before I make any decisions, I'll tell Sebastian. There, that wasn't so hard. A good decision on my part.

This making god decision thing... I could be good at it.

This hangover needs a lot of water. and coffee. And perhaps some eggs. Oh, and to send Kitty a thank you card for getting me home.

So many good things happening lately. We got the place. We started work. Everyone is getting along.

All overshadowed.

Today at lunch.. a great lunch with Lydia, and Sebastian and Cassie and Elena...

I found out that Skyler died.

Don't know what to say yet.

Not sure what to do, either. I want to help my friend so much... but, I'm not sure what is help and what will only hurt her.

Please, God, tell me what the right thing to do is. Tell me the best way to comfort her. To deal with this.

Death. Always on the mind in this place, but... I never thought...

God, Jewell...

Things have been just so right lately. Working out.

On Friday I hung out with Cassie and Katarina. I got drunk, which I hadn't done in a long time, but it was fun. Really fun. No boys, no thought of boys, just silliness and questions and a little bit of seriousness dropped in.

Kat gave me the stone. I locked it up in my drawer, the one that no one but me has the key for. I figure it's safest there until I can learn how to actually destroy it. Grem one threw one into the water but something about that seems dangerous. I'll think about it.

I'm getting ready for the Valentines lunch I planned. I did it in hopes of making things just a little happier for people. Everything has been so blah lately, really. With Jewell and all... I figured a little togetherness was what we needed. Outside of the Inn at least. I hope people come and that it's not a disaster. I really need it to go well.

Hung out with Tina today. We got the linens. Worked out pretty great. I love her and her parents don't mind her spending all this time with me. They had her so late in life....

Saturday was spent with Bastian. I wish he would branch out a little more, meet people, etc, but I can understand why he wouldn't. Though, I really think he believes that I wasn't being serious when I said I didn't mind if he came to my lunch. I really just want him to do what makes him happy. Work has been such a stress to him lately, he really needs any relaxation he can get. I wish I could just make him feel better about all the work stuff, but all I really can do is just make home as inviting as possible. I started cooking. That's working, I think. I made a meal just like our first date....

Gosh, I love him. And I know that I'm being ridiculous with the whole Illy thing. I'm just... I'm trying to ruin it. My life. I can feel it inside of me. Jealousy. Doubt. Such ridiculous feelings. Things that almost made me lose Lydia... when she got together with Grem. Things I need to learn to control. I need to learn to control myself.

I should go bak to sleep. Don't know why I can't sleep again.... Should look into pills or something. Though in Rhydin.... Bah, I'm just stalling.

Yesterday! Oh gosh? so, I got up early as I promised to do and put on my best painting clothes. Overalls, a teashirt, sneakers and a bandanna for my hair. After saying goodbye to Sebastian(who I think had gotten home from work not much before my leaving, actually), I hurried off to the store. I promised Tina she could help paint, and honestly thought it would be fun to have her along, so I stopped by Rita?s and picked her up. Once we got there, I realized that perhaps I was a little too excited? it was barely nine am. I let Tina wander as I decided to clean up the basement, and Oh. My. God.

The boxes down there that Lydia found the night she fell through the floor? filled with S&M stuff. I mean, magazines, outfits, toys, you name it?. Tina was with me when I opened the first box and I just about died. I had to hurry her up the stairs so I could laugh for awhile before restacking them neatly. And closed.

Then Lydia and her friends Carley and Eddie came, and not long after Storm. It was? mayhem. So many of us, and so much paint. Did you know that sniffing paint can make you high? I didn?t? until I did it!!! Storm fell from the roof and Tina found herself with a stack of porn. It was? well.. I can?t even say I?m glad it?s over, because I?m not. I?m just glad it happened. Because I think it was one of the better days of my life. Like Lydia?s party. Just?wow.

Rita came and got Tina on her way home from work and I decided that I would stop by the Inn on my way home from the store. I came in and was having a drink, talking to a nice young fellow that works down by where I live when Tara showed up. Lovely girl, really, but totally bat shit crazy. No other word for it. None. She wanted to play dentist. And I was the patient. Uhg.

While she was looking for her scalpel, Icer and Kitty helped me hide in the cabinet under the bar. I was all cowered in there, trying not to make a noise, but it was so hard with the commotion that is sure to follow Tara going on outside. Evonna slipped me some tea and generally helped to keep me from being found out. Sebastian was there, I think, I heard his voice, but then he was gone again. I crawled across the inn floor(which is disgusting! Let me tell you!) and hid in my room upstairs until she left. At least I got to take a shower and a nap?

When I came back down, I saw Storm and was about to have a conversation with her when this rather attractive woman Natalia started talking to me. Strange indeed. How offensive, though! She got me a large plate of food and told me that real women need to look like women. I was? I mean.. sure, I?m thin. I know I?m thin. But it?s just because I keep busy and I?m just naturally this way. I?m not sickly, I mean, I?m almost 100 pounds, and that?s not bad for my height! I know I don?t? have breasts. Trust me. Me and about 200 tissue boxes are very aware that there is nothing in my shirt. I?ve tried everything. I don?t think a plate of food is really going to help that?. Though, I must admit the food was good. She was a bit unsettling, nonetheless, but Cassie kept her occupied. They went up together, kinda, and I thought I saw Natalia?s fingers up Cassie?s skirt, but honestly, I was trying not to look. Because, well, to be honest, as much as I love my cousin I don?t need to ?see- her have sex or sexual contact or.. well, you get the idea.

After that Everett came in and I introduced him to Storm. We were having a lovely conversation. I was starting to love him even more, a full blossom in my heart like when I read Pride and Prejudice. A burst of whatever it was?. And then there was this Giant Crab. His name was Geophrey something or other. He seemed nice enough, nothing to be terrified of, though Everett was horrified. I felt for him, because I remember the first time I met Sut. That wasn?t at all pleasant for me. So I held his arm and tried to explain to him it was all okay. Storm, too, was being gentle and patient and I thought for a moment there he was going to be okay and we could talk without his feeling embarrassed. We both understood? but then, Elly?. Oh, Elly.. she brought out that Pumpkin head! And I am terrified of the beast. It ?stares- at me. Really stares. Looks into my soul and hurts me! I am sure it wants to kill me, and somehow it always ends up getting exploded all over me! It was terrible. I was so scared and upset and Everett ended up having to hold ?me- to keep me from falling down. I was crying and sniffling and blowing my nose on his shirt sleeve. It was utterly horrible. I am a lady not a child.. but those pumpkins! I think I shall never be able to eat a pumpkin pie.. with all the times I?ve had pumpkin goo that was one kinda living shot into my mouth?. UHG. UHG.

Everett kissed me on the forehead before he left. It was so?fatherly. Brotherly? something like that. I always say Alain is like my brother, but we both know that?s not true. That he really wants to have sex with me, and I have to force him to behave(which is giving myself more credit than I deserve, I know). But Everett, I think, really could be like a brother. A big brother. One who reads and writes and can have long conversations into the night. And who won?t want to sleep with me, which has been a rarity as of late, I think, even Natalia seems to want to get me into bed, talking about seeing me naked? and, honestly, I?m not that huge on sex. Don?t get me wrong, I like what I get and I get what I need, but I?m not craving it from everyone in Rhydin. I mean, really, I have integrity and am a stand up woman and, well? I like being married and knowing what to expect and.. that?s for another day. I?m just trying to say that I feel safe around Everett. That he reminds me of Sebastian without all the complications of love and marriage and everyday life. That I think I could grow to be very good friends with him and not have to worry about it becoming all mucked up by some sort of strange sexual tension. I like that. I will defy Rhydin and have a male friend.

Okay, I have to get ready? I have my hair to do, and the table to set and? well, it?s party time!

I don't know the difference between good and bad anymore. Or happy and sad, really.

Spent all day with Lydia knitting. In the quiet. It was nice, what I needed. Just to sit. She's there to keep my head on, but not over-attentive.

I've been sitting in the dark. Turning the lights on in the house is something painful. Something seen. The dark has been like a giant blanket, wrapping me up, holding me. I just want to rest my head against it and fall asleep forever.

I'm not sure how many hours now, I've been here on the window sill. Not sure when Sebastian will get home. I guess I should turn lights on, start dinner, do the things that real people do. He worries, but I'm not sure he realizes all he has to worry about.

The darkness eats at me, and there is so much I need to say but no words to say it. So much I need to do, but I don't know how. I am boring and uninteresting, a shell and a woman. There is nothing for me to say to anyone that could explain myself.

I just want to be able to fade away.

I can't feel anymore; I am as numb as if I were dipped in Novocain. No love, no pain, no want. The sadness and the darkness has eaten me up and left whatever it thought I still needed. This is how my first marriage fell apart. This is how I destroy my life.

I want to punch things and kick things and remind myself that there still is a physical pain that I can feel. I know that hurting myself will only bring me back to where I started, but the urge is so overwhelming. So I walk. And walk. I leave the house despite the house and push my feet against the pavement until it hurts and burns and aches. I wander looking for something without a name...

This entire thing is going to get me killed. Or left...

I couldn't deal with Sebastian leaving me right now, but also, I know that he is untrained and unfamiliar with the insanity that is or will take me over. I thought coming here would get rid of all this... I wasn't planning on this place being like a war zone, though. I'm scared. That is the only feeling left.

I think... there's someone climbing over the wall out there. Huh.. oh, it's Jordan. Weird.

I had a dream of Everett.

He was saving me from myself... I had walked out to sea, and was waiting to drown. Like in that book my Kate Chopin. And he was there, and took me by the arms and brought me back to land again. He held me for awhile, and told me it would be alright. Told me everything was fine. Everett Ogden of Warwick is my savior, though I am not sure from what... I do know that I love him more than any friend I have acquired so quickly, save Lydia, and that scares me. Such a silly, disheveled boy.... Safe from the stupid lust and taking-- stealing that most other try.

I have been so terrible, I need the saving. I quarreled with Gideon. He baited me, brought me in slowly. Each word a breadcrumb on a path to my own destruction. And finally, finally, I relented. I challenged him. I said stupid words... but I wanted him to hit me. I wanted him to lay his hands on me. To hurt me. Actually hurt me. It hurt enough, the words. To have him find a weak spot and dig and dig until he makes my doubt my very being. Make me apologize for leaving him, for being a person that he makes me. It sickens me, honestly.

And how does he hurt? What does he do to strike me back? He kisses me. The pain in it. It burns like fire and brings up anger like a wave. I wanted to kill him, rip him apart; I tried to get him with a knee--I missed. I hit him, over and over and over... and cause him to almost throw me against the inn to keep me from actually hurting him. I split his lip... It bled. I caused him to bleed.

The words, after that, were so...strange. Calmer and nicer and true. We hurt each other and the ones we love because there is no other way for us to be. We cannot be friends, we cannot be lovers, only volatile enemies that beat each other at their own game. I hate it. I hate him. But I can't write him off as not existing. He keeps a fire burning, an anger, that will be there nonetheless-- it's just a healthy outlet. I felt alive when it was over.

I lied about the bruises on me back. Said I went to the duels. Said I fell. I am a bad person, a bad wife. But... why bother Sebastian with my own stupidity? That I dared his enemy to kill me? That he bothers me still? No, no.. it's better I not tell anyone who did not see with their own eyes. Cassandra, Illiana, Everett. They are all that need to know.

And the tone and question of Everett's voice when he found me.... I know I love him. The way he wants to get to know Sebastian. Asking me all about him, so that the two may be friends. He adores me and I love Sebastian and therefore he has to know him. Knows he must like him. God, I wish he's right. I wish the two of them can be the best of friends and together with Lydia and Cassandra be the family I never had. How much I need that stability to keep me form doing stupid, stupid things. It takes a mob to save me. Four good souls surrounding my corrupted one.

Why can't I leave things well enough alone?

Things are getting worse in my head.

Last night....

Wish I could remember more. Have to get to work...

I found out that Sebastian was in the inn the other day. Was drunk and stripped on the bar. I'm really upset... not because he was drunk and dancing-- whatever. But because he always refuses to go out with me, tells me that he just isn't social.. when I ask him to talk to my friends or at least try, he always makes up some excuse about not wanting to be there, or only coming to find me. He will never ever drink with me, says he's not a drinker. Yet when he's out with those friends of his, or apparently alone in the inn with some people, he'll drink. He'll have fun.

What is wrong with me? Why doesn't he want to do those things with me? Anything with me? I don't understand.... I just want him to love me and want to be with me, and share in my life. Apparently that's asking too much.

I talked to Lydia yesterday. Said a lot of things. Things I'm scared of, things eating at me. It was good to get it all out. She told me a few things I need to remember. She will always love me no matter what. No matter what I do... and sometimes I worry here... she will love me and support me. This gives me the courage to talk to Sebastian, I think.

When I got back to the inn after the Nexus got me, Alain and Cassie were there. They wanted me to hang out with them, and that was allright, I guess. They piss me off in that way that happy couples piss off people who have problems themselves. I don't know...

They talked me into playing strip poker. It was fun, kinda. Shirt came off, nothing else, really. I am terrible at poker. Terrible. Lydia and I walked home together, though, and that was exactly what I needed.

I think that things may get better if I just keep talking. It's not as bad anymore... I'm going to be allright. He'll love me if he loves me and he wont' if he won't and there's nothing I can do about it. It's freeing to think of it that way.

The hurt set in. No more shock and relief... just pain.

I have been stupid and selfish and terrible to him. I pushed him away with my pain. I wrapped myself in it like a blanket and let it be my only lover. The pain of the lost baby, the pain of the rape, the pain of the uncertain world... I used it as an armor and deflected every attempt to love me.

To help me.

I can fix this. Not us, maybe that can never be fixed. The hope in my heart is a secret thing. A guarded thing. A dream. Fitful sleep in our bed, holding on to his shirt. Replaying words. I dreamed he took me back again. I dreamed that I cried for hours and told him everything, every sin, every pain, every thought. And he just told me he loved me. He just kept me safe. But then I realized it wasn't a dream, it was a memory.

And I was too stupid to see it at the time.

I left him a letter. I hope he reads it and understands. I hope all the anger and hurt and resentment I created in him just-- goes away. That without me he gets to be happy. What I would give to see him happy...

I thought I couldn't feel anymore. I thought I was dead inside-- how wrong I was. This pain, this hurt-- it's more than the anger. I've never felt anything like it. When Storm died, it was numbness; when I was attacked, numbness. Everything has always just shut me down... but this, this has drove the knife in and twisted, slowly. This has taught me how much love can sting. Can hurt.

What must I have done to him? To make him do this to us both...

He did nothing but love me, and I did nothing but question. I didn't trust him. I deserve this.

I made a promise to him. He hasn't seen it, or heard it-- but he doesn't have to. I'm going to make myself a good woman. A sane woman. I'm going to become what he needed all along. Even if I never see him again, I will be the wife of Sebastian deVernon in my heart. I will remember my manners. I will be proper again, and refined again, intellegent. I will not drink, and quit smoking, I will not cry or pity myself or revel in my own pain.

I will turn every thing I ever did into good. I will set this right.

I have to. There's nothing else to be done. I have no hope of getting him back this way. Now. The only chance I ever have is to fix myself. The only chance I'll ever have is to prove I believe in his love. Our love. If it's still there. If it can be there...

Can it die this quick? Do you think the second he said the word divorce he stopped loving me? That I questioned it right out of him. By challenging it, I killed it. Please, God, let that not be true. Let all of it not be true.

Please, let him love me.

He can leave, and never come back. He can marry and have kids and a wonderful life... but don't let him stop loving me. Don't let his heart stop leaping when he hears my name, or his breath catch when he thinks he sees me on the street. Don't let that die. It never will for me, and I don't want to be alone. We can be planets apart, but if we love each other, neither of us is ever alone.

Don't let me be alone.

i want the chance that he'll touch my face. I want the chance that we'll go on a date again. Something silly and ridiculous. I'd dress up for him. I want the chance to start over. So please, please, let him love me.

I forgave God. he forgave me, i think. I need his strength, and he is ever forgiving. He'll never turn away. He's the only person I can't push away forever. The only thing I can't ruin. He's all I have left in this; other than Lydia.

I believe that I can do this. I believe that someday it will be right. We'll both be happy. And while I pray it will be together. I dream of walking down the aisle with him again... of wearing the dress I had planned, of seeing him in that suit, with the loosened tie and the bare feet... on the sand, at the beach--

Oh god. I don't think I can ever love the sea again. It will hold him in it. It is the color of his eyes, blue and gray at all once. Never ending. Nothing can ever be wrong if I'm looking in his eyes... but they're not for me anymore. Neither is the sea.

I've lost the only thing I ever really cherished. I've lost the only thing I ever understood.

Please, God. Bring him back to me. Make me strong and loving and understanding and able to accept his love, his faults, him. Make him able to forgive me. Make him come home. Please, please... I want him to come home... I'm sorry I never really considered it ours, I'm sorry I never overcame my fears, I'm sorry I was cold and mean, I'm sorry I couldn't stop flirting, I'm sorry I was never there for him, I'm sorry. Make it better. Make it right. Let me be forgiven... I can't... I have to... I don't...

I'm so lost.

Let him come home one more time. Let us spend one more night together in each other's arms before he leaves. I just want to remember it forever. i didn't pay enough attention. i didn't remember enough... I can't remember so much... I can't see it. Oh god, what if I forget his voice, what if I forget his touch.. I can't forget it. I can't. I have to remember.... please, just once more. Just one goodbye. Let him come home. Please, God, please... I...

I need to stop writing. I can't do this anymore tonight.

He's gone.

I haven't been this... I feel like I'm being burned alive it hurts so much. Keep finding myself crying.

Tonight the house will be empty. Cold. Not sure I can take that....

I lied to Lydia. I just... I didn't want... I don't know, if I told her what started this, she'd worry. And probably believe that it was over, and I need no one else to think that. I can't even think that.

Work time.

Ran into the Ghost again. Came right for me. We talked about nothing, but it seemed like something. He's homeless, so I let him stay in the Manor. I'm at the cabin now.. by the sea. Closer to him, closer to my soul... it lives in the ocean.

I'm staying here tonight, though. At the manor. Had to take him here and show him what was and wasn't okay. Locked our bedroom. Locked the basement. Everything else I need a housesitter for anyway. He makes sure the pipes don't freeze or the gas doesn't leak, and i give him a place to stay.

He seemed surprised, almost, that my hand was warm. So I let him hold it. It's too soon after the seperation to even think about anything like this. To think about what the next step is towards or away from. I'm not feeling that at all. I'm just feeling a connection. Like we can be friends that know each other's thoughts without knowing. Something. It's weird, I can't explain it. I just feel good that he's in the next room...

Storm is going to move in with me. if the sisters and Ewan let her leave. I am going to make my cute puppydog face for Ewan. i could use the company and having Storm around all the time would mean we get to talk. I'm not scared that she'll get me hurt. She's smart. And to have he around would be a privillage. Just think, Lydia her and I could have slumberparties!

I miss him. He's been gone three days. I keep trying to forget him... so I can move on. so i can live better. Took my engagement ring off, but kept the wedding band. Love the wedding band. Not taking it off until the D word has been signed. I have hope that this will work out. It's a weak hope, but it's there.

Has to be there.

I need to drink less.

Shit.

Chi kissed me. And I said no. And he kept pushing... what he said was true, I believed it. And had it been longer, I would have melted right into him, but it hasn't. I'm hurting.

I'm hurting.

I'd been lying to myself, to everyone, convincing myself I'm okay. But I'm not okay. I'm not. Everett found me, after the nexus took Chi, in the hallway, drunk as could be and unable to open the door.

I cried. I finally cried. I let it out. And he told me it was okay. That I could be miserable. I needed to be miserable. He was miserable.

I told him I loved him. I do. And he loves me, though he thinks me mad. He is the closest thing to an older brother I've ever had. He tells it like it is. He can bring me back. Everett Ogden of Warwick... wandering down the hall at just the right time... if I make it through this, if I am still here when Sebastian gets back, if I am still lovable, it will be all credit to Everett.

I count the days like they're years. I wait and I wait for word. I'm self destructing, and I know I need to bring myself back together. I think of Harold, and I can't be shocked. Death is the only thing to be sure of. I won't sucumb to this. I won't be that woman.

Everett stayed all night. I was so glad not to be alone. And he was just there for me. I'm... .I'm so lucky to have my sister and Everett. I'm so lucky that there are people who care no matter what. I have hope. That Sebastian will come home, and that even if he doesn't, I'll walk away from all of this whole.

Maybe I shouldn't try to be SO fine. Just... how I feel. And it will all work out. I have faith it will all work out.

I had a fight with Lydia, but I think everything is going to be okay.

Haven't seen Chi since he left me in his room. A thank you would have been nice, but I guess he thought he didnt need the help anyway. I'm torn over what to do if I see him again. You know, what I should do, and what I want to. Knowing something is wrong doesn't make it any less appealing. And I can just remember the tone in his voice and the sly teasing about letting myself go. Being the girl that doesn't do the right thing. Argh. I don't know how he got under my skin. Men so rarely do.

Storm moved in. I'm so happy to have her. There are noises in the house that aren't me, and water running and sheets rustling. It is good to talk to her and just be. We're both good at that, letting each other exist despite the fact we're not only cut from two seperate cloths, but like... two different universes.

It's time to sleep now. Early for me, but I'm tired. Walked all over town today. Ran into Gideon, we made up. He talked to me about a million things and I liked it. I liked his candor and that he seems to care for me. He hates Sebastian. But that's not new. I don't know, I'll think on what he said. He has rarely steered me wrong with his advice.

Also met a Scrceress. Lacerta. Interesting woman with interesting stories. I need to learn to talk a bit less about my problems to any person on the street...

Okay, tired. Need to rest. I think I will stop by Everett's for lunch tomorrow.

Oh good lord.

Since Sebastian has left everyday has been a rebirth and a redefinition. Some good, some bad.

Today... today I'm not so sure.

I can still taste him and it makes my insides flutter. Shit.

He said he likes me just the way I am. So offhandedly... as if I could really think anything else. I don't want to like him. I don't want this to be anything more than I thought at first, but...

He doesn't want to change me or fix me or save me. The first person in my life. Ever. Who has said that. Even Lydia, who loves me no matter what, has problems just accepting me. Just being. I know it won't last long. That he'll eventually get annoyed or upset... but he said it!

Ran into him in the Hall. He was in there reading when I went to go read. The talk we had was nice. The perfect balance of serious and silly.

He asked me to his room, and I went. I think this is Pandora's box. There is no more rethinking, reevaluating. It's just the way things are.

I came home tonight. He didn't seem mad or cross, though perhaps dissapointed. I wanted to be here for Storm and at least show that I can be responsible. I think I'll stay here most of tomorrow. Walk in the water, think. I want to be able to put pieces together in my head...

If this even has a shot at working out... if I even want it to, I'm going to have to get Lydia to accept him. Storm to accept him. Cassie... it's hard to think about how this was a bad decision and people may hold it against him for years. It's my problem though. He didn't push any harder than I gave him reason for.

Part of me, a large part, wishes I had met Malachi months from now when everything in my life was settled. Once Sebastian was back and we could really talk things over. Once I was really ready to be dating. Once.... it's too late now. Now I have this mess and at some point I'll have to mop it up.

I just want to enjoy it until it all gets shot to shite. I don't think anyone will ever say those words to me again.

Jordan's back! He just... appeared from the ceiling. I'm so excited to see him, I could hug him to death. I tried to. It's just... yay! He's such a good friend, and a fun guy and... Jordan's back!

Cassie and Gid got in a really weird fight. Something is up with her. I need to try and figure it out, she's just....off. Crying like that? I don't know. I want her to be okay, but I know from myself sometimes that's too much to ask and we can only wait.

I blew off Storm and Lydia. I'm... gosh, terrible. I need to learn to balance life a bit more before I lose all my friends to him. It's new and exciting and fast moving and amazing, but I'm not counting my eggs before they hatch. Not this time.

He said it had gone from nothing to something. Something scares me, but I won't say it. Something means rules and feelings and working. I don't want to do that. I can't do that. I just need to go along and let it do its thing and whatever happens...

I wrote to Sebastian. He wrote me such a confession, and it tore my heart not to tell him what had happened to me. Who I have become.

I don't think it matters that I'm treading through a morally bankrupt part of my life. I'm happy. I haven't been able to really feel that in a long time. I'm happy and silly and enjoying my life.

That was all I could offer last night, in his arms. No promises of love or compassion, or... just a simple "I'm happy." But, honestly, for me, that means so much more.

She left.

Just left.

I don't know if...

Did she quit?

I can't think anymore. I need...

I hope he isn't mad.

Shit.

Sort of made up with Lydia. Sort of made up with Everett. Still feel terrible. Still feel like a bad sister....

Sebastian is back. I saw him... it made me so angry... so frustrated.. so childish. I should have said something to him, anything... this week. This week we'll talk. I have a lot to say, I'm just afraid he won't want to listen. I wouldn't want to...

I hooked up with Alain last week. Told Chi. We havent' spoke since. I'm not sure if things are-- I don't know if I even want them to be.

Ran into Jordan. We talked. A lot. I had this dream that makes me think... I need to be more careful around the man, that's all.

I need an answer. Just one. what am I doing? what should i do? I want an easy answer... Alain, Jordan, Sebastian, Chi. When did I go from Erin cute little girl to Erin sex kitten? And when can I go back?

Cassie seems sick. We're here together. She's asleep. I haven't told her about Alain. I won't. He assured me she wouldn't be hurt, but I think I know better. I need to cut that off completely. It is not a place I belong and friends or no, I have a bigger responsibility to Cassie, anyway.

And I told Chi i wouldn't... I need to see him. I am going to find him tomorrow.

I hope.

Please, God, this Easter weekend-- tell me how to fix all this?

Things are unsure, but perhaps getting better. My shift was uneventful, Chi was there. Things seemed strained, they seemed off-- I didn't want them to be. When we're together I just want to revel in him. He makes me feel younger than I've felt. We're both missed out on our childhoods and somehow its safe to go there together. To be totally open to each other.

We both wear reading glasses.

We're going to spend today together. In bed, cooking... he's going to take me to the grocery store. I'm rarely ever there, and the whole thing is exciting. I love the market. All the foods and colors... I never got to go when I was younger. It wasn't really something someone of my upbringing did, you know?

I hope he can teach me to cook. He makes me feel normal. Like I can be who it is I've always wanted to be. I just wish I could forget everyone and everything else and give myself to him. Lay it all down. I think we'd both be better off if it weren't a limbo between "just fun" and serious.

I had a dream about Sebastian. Something normal... I think we were on a picnic at the beach and just talking. It was light and he was telling me about some philosopher or another. I don't know. Who am I? Am I that person or this one?

I need to find myself. I need to channel all these incarnations back together into one Erin. One Erin that can control herself, her life, her world. I guess that's why I started my training. With Nekilor(I think that's how that's spelt...). He showed me something I didn't even know was real. He taught me how to turn my brain off-- even if it was just for a moment. Part of me knows that there has to be something wrong with this, but I can't see what it would be. Not yet. If it teaches me peace, discipline-- if it centers me, can it really be evil? Is there even evil anymore?

I think I may go to Koy's to get an outfit for my date with Jordan. The need to look amazing, even when "slumming" is overwhelming. I just need to understand all these feelings and all these-- I don't want to make a decision, but something tells me that if I don't, I'm just going to break everyone's heart.

I've been thinking of leaving for awhile.

I don't know where I'd go.

Finally talked to my mother. Really talked. She loves me and I love her. It's such a relief to know. I cried for a long time and we discussed everything. The baby, Richard, my leaving, her kicking me out, the last time I was home, Sebastian...

She told me not to go back to him if I wasn't sure. She told me that love is a lot of work and sometimes it doesn't matter-- just doesn't gel. She told me that it was too early, too fast, too impulsive, and that as nice as Sebastian was, he wasn't the type of guy she envisioned me with.

But, she also told me to forget Chi, and Jordan. To forget it all and start anew completely alone. I don't know if I can do that... Not that I can't be alone, but giving up all the feelings and closeness... it takes so long for me to open up to anyone.

I do think, though, that I'm going to cut it back. Dating. No more playing house with Chi. Just-- pick me up, take me out, bring me home. And eventually, someday, I'll just fall into place.

Not drinking has been hard, not smoking has been harder-- but this figuring out my life thing? Impossible. I have 2 more days to get it all straightened in my head, and then I'm going home. Well, maybe I'll go home.

I'm actually relaxed and enjoying it here. i sit in the garden and read. I take in some sun. Talk with my mom, follow William around the house... it's like being a kid again, if I ever was one. I just miss Lydia. Well, and everyone else, sure... but especially Lydia. And the shop.

Tomorrow I'll go shopping for souvenirs.

I guess I haven't felt a need to write because life has been good. A hiccup here and there, but...

Jordan's been great. Really great. The other night, well, I guess it was last week, he gave me a card and a flower... I miss him whenever he's not around. I finally told Lydia, talked to her about it, and it sounded like she thought I should chance it. The broken heart. The more dreams I have the more I know it's not a chance, but a reality. He makes me happy and sane and stable. He always has. If anyone could pull me back from the brink, it's him. I just don't know who will pull me back when it's him that sends me there.

Cassie and Alain are taking me out for my birthday. Lydia gave me a dress, and I think I'll wear it. I'm excited for a birthday for the first time in years and years. I think it'll go so well. Cassie and Alain tomorrow, Everett and Lydia next week. He calls her Lyddie, I call him Evvie and I see us as a happy family of three just stumbling through life in the dark. I wish there were more times we were all together. I wish Grem and Lydia and me and Jordan and Everett could all sit around a large table and eat together. That's what I want for my birthday. Family. Friends. A life I can't seem to make work.

Until now, at least.

I would write more... about Hope(my new cat) about hope, but if I put it down, maybe I'll jinx it. I just wanted to write something. Remind myself.

Erinalle Dunbridge was here. She was happy. She had hope.

There. It doesn't matter anymore. Anubis, the end of this thing with Jordan, anything... Now bring it on, life, but you can never take now away from me.

The next time Erin reached for her journal, she found a most curious thing. Tucked inside the front cover, hanging far enough out to be noticeable and obvious, was a single scrap of paper.

Miss you. It sucks here. Call me if you can.

-Jordan

I've found it very hard to write for myself lately... The letters to Jordan have taken the place of you, journal, and I realize now, perhaps, that was not a good idea. To you I can say anything, admit anything-- you never judge or get angry.

And there are things to judge.

Things were going so well that they had to slowly fall apart. Bit by bit the perfect world I created for myself disintegrated. It all started when Jordan left. It's not his fault, not at all, but without him around everything seems a little bit bleaker. I miss him all the time, it's a draining feeling on my heart. I hear things and I can do nothing but think of him-- hear certain music, see people dancing, playing chess, walking with their arms around each other...

He came to see me. It was one of the best moments... when he appeared. He doesn't look good and I worry about him. Not only that he can die at any moment, but that he's tired, worn down, lonely-- it makes everything a little more dangerous. We cuddled. I never wanted those moments to end. I'm never safer than when I'm in his arms. And I don't know if anyone has ever loved him like I do.

It takes everything out of me not to cry when he has to go. When he says he's lonely. When I look into his eyes and things look so so difficult. But I don't. I have to be strong. For him. Sometimes my letters are desperate, are lonely, are scared...

And now even more so. Someone is after Lydia. He's from her past and was posing as Ivy's boyfriend before it came out that he really wanted to take her back to Veinan(or however you spell that). I told Jordan, and I'll tell you, journal, I can't lose her. Not to anyone. We would both be so miserable if she were to be taken back... her because it is her worst nightmare and me because, well, I need her. I couldn't bear to lose them both... Jordan and Lydia. It would kill me if the world were to do that. That and I don't want to see all this pain rained down on the people I love anymore.

I don't know what to do to make her feel better, less scared, less upset, less alone. There is nothing worse than the past, and yet nothing to do to get rid of it. I am useless and it makes me angry and frustrated. I want to rain out at the world and demand it give everything back.

I almost died earlier in the week. I'm going forward with my training, and Nelikor taught me how to take life to save my own... by causing a rattle snake to bite me. I don't think, in all the times I've been beaten and captured, I've ever been closer to death. It was scary and partially liberating. I know that I will do anything to survive, though...

I'm not sure, anymore, that this is a good thing I'm doing-- but I know it is necessary. The power, I need it. I need it to make sure I can help Lydia, I need it to make sure I can protect us both. I need it to make sure I can clean up the aftermath if I fail. I need it to keep life in the proper order... and that is part of the task I have been charged with.

I need it so I am part of something greater than myself. I need it to be great.

I am going to try and sleep now.

All alone.

Lydia is going through something she can't talk to me about. She doesn't want us to be sisters anymore, just friends, and I'm not sure I can take the rejection. She says it's not about me, and I'm sure that's true at least in part, but it's another abandonment. Another person who can't stay close. I was so happy to have at least some family, but i did, at least in part, what I always do and alienated her. I feel like my heart has been torn out and I'm not sure what to do. Lydia was family to me, she was more than any man, any other relationship, and the ending of it kills me inside. Everything is dull and numb and there is little I can do to ease it.

Part of me just wants to drink until I can't think anymore. Can't feel anymore. That may be for the best. But I know somewhere in my head that once I open that can of worms, I won't be able to close it.

Part of me feels betrayed and part of me feels worthless. I'm not sure if I'm angry or depressed. I know that perhaps she did this for the wrong reasons, or that she needs to find herself, but I feel like the way she told me... we were in public, I couldn't even react... it was... after everything... I don't want to be angry, i don't want to feel rejected, but I'm both. I don't think I want to see her for awhile. Maybe a long while.

Haven't seen or heard from Jordan in two months almost. I fear the worst, hope the best, and find it tearing me up inside. I'm so scared he's dead. It's like I can only trust two people in the world. The people I love the most are either missing or done with me.

I know I can be selfish, but lately I feel like I try my hardest to be giving and open and there, and it all just blows up in my face.

Karma, I guess.

I think I'll throw myself into my studies. I think I'll spend time working on myself. I need to become completely self reliant. I can't trust anyone to stick around. I can't trust anyone at all.

Miles appeared today. He was just... there. God, i miss him. He was one of the only level headed people that could ever just.. talk sense into me. He could look at me, and see into my soul and say what I needed to hear. I often think Lydia could have done that if she weren't so afraid to... I don't know what she was afraid of. But you could see that she had something to say, and she never said it. Anyway, it was good to hug him and kiss him, and just melt into him a little. Be part of that section of my life again. I was so carefree and loving and open. What happened to me?

I've built a wall around myself, and I want to use it to keep everyone out. I loved her so much, and I feel like what she said was just... it was just a slap in the face for me. And I know that it was coming, that it was all my fault. I failed her over and over. I was useless. I let her get kidnapped, I drank, I cheated on Sebastian, I couldn't fight back or keep her safe. All I was ever good for was grief. that's all I have ever been good for. And every time it happened-- every single thing i did wrong, every dissapointment-- another brick in the wall. What's left of me? Am i just a sarcastic shell of what once was a loving person? For God's sake, i was so afraid I'd let Lydia down, or that I was responsible for her death, that I refused to acknowledge the problem was even happening. And I didn't even visit her when she was saved. I just... I can't let myself feel, but if I do that, there's no going back. If I do that, I'm not sure I can hold on to my sanity anymore.

I don't want to make up with her because then she can hurt me again. I don't want to go back to the Stitch, I don't want to see her, I don't want to remember. I'm embarrassed, I'm alone. It's Anna all over again. I am no friend. Every time I see her, i feel guilt eat me from the inside out. And anytime someone brings her up to me, I want to scream that she's not my sister anymore. I have no sisters. But I can't bring myself to say it. Any of it.

I want to be there for people, but no one opens up. Is it no one opens up, or no one trust me? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

I stayed at Storm's the other night. I wanted so badly to tell her everything, but even there I held back. I don't want to unload things on people. Not now. I don't want to worry or... i don't know what I'm hiding from. I just want there to be someone I can cry to or with. Someone who will care and understand and be able to hear me... someone I haven't let down over and over again. Someone I won't be so afraid of.

Still no word from Jordan. God, I miss him. Sometimes I wake up at night and I can smell him, and feel his warmth in the bed next to me. I reach out, and there's nothing there. And I cry. I hate admitting that i cry... But inside all I can think about is his being dead. Broken and alone somewhere. Left behind because that's all that can be done in the situations he's in. With no one to hold his hand, and no one to make sure he gets put to rest. Please don't let it be true. Please let him be okay. He's just busy, it's just dangerous... They're dreams. Nothing more than dreams. Bad dreams, but dreams nonetheless.

He's coming home.

There are so many dangers that are threatening to settle in. To eat me up. Anubis, Renna... my own mind.

I'm sinking into a depression I haven't seen in a long time. Since right before Sebastian and I broke up. My thoughts turn dark, and I have to ignore them. I think that soon I'm going to lock myself up in here, or drink myself stupid.

I need to talk to Charlie. She's a friend that can understand. She knows what I feel and isn't scared to look it in the eye.

Wedding on Sunday. I need to put on a happy face and go. I would ask Lydia to be my date, but that's not even possible anymore. I really am all alone. Sure there are people that care. People that know me, that talk to me. But there is no one that understands me. No one that really knows what there is in my heart and in my life.

Maybe I never even let Lydia in that far. Or asked her to let me in that far. And that's why the bond broke in the end. Because there's only so much you can love someone you don't know. I think the whole time I've been so afraid of myself that there's nothing I can do but push other people away.

I told Harry today about my infertility. And I played it off as if I were fine. The last soft nerve in me hardened. I think it's totally up, my wall. I think my protections are forever in place. I'm not sure if anyone will bring them down again. If even Jordan, when and if he returns, can make me whole again. A woman that can feel.

Here I am. The last thing tethering me to morals and responsibility is gone. Ruined. Dashed. There are many paths to choose here, and only time will tell which i will take. Drinking, necromancy, death... they all seem possibilities. Perhaps I should just give in to whatever fate befalls me... If Anubis takes me, or Renna kills me, maybe I shouldn't fight back. I'm so tired of fighting, and so bad at it. Those that would miss me would get over me quickly. Only one person has ever said he needed me, and for all I know he's dead.

If something were ever to happen to me, and someone were to be reading this diary... know this:

I will always think of Lydia Loran as my sister. And I will always love her.

I loved perhaps too easily and too often, but it was the only thing that ever made me feel alive. I was reckless with it like I was reckless with everything in my life. I squandered it many times, but it gave me meaning.

Jordan Knox put breath in my lungs when I thought I had drown. He held me to life, and made me believe in myself and everything around me. The best moment of my life was on a rooftop with him.

Erinalle Victoria Whitiker, then Dunbridge, then the Grand Duchess, then de Vernon had many names, had many loves, made many mistakes, but she always had hope for something better. Always.

Even if she were wrong.